10 Days

My 31st birthday is fast approaching. Next Sunday to be precise. Every anniversary of my birth forces me to examine my life. I really don't know how to look at getting older. I usually give some one the smart ass remark, "The further away from 16 the better off I am." There is much truth to the statement.

I haven't accomplished much as far as career or money. Far from it. I'm in a job that makes me miserably unhappy and financially, well...I'm broke. I haven't finished college and I'm single. If I examine my life any deeper for my faults, well, we will have an entry like the previous ones.

I'm definitely not where I want to be in life. And I see time quickly come and go. It frightens me that I may run out of it. But honestly, the further away from 16 the better off I am.

Two months before my 16th birthday, I found myself in a mental hospital. I was put there involuntarily because my family was a threat to me as I was to them, so I was told. And I was a very very depressed teenager. I spent my 16th birthday there and was released after Thanksgiving. Things went along until the following September when I tried to kill myself. That cost me a trip to the hospital again. That or my life...I'd say the hospital was the better of the two.

So..I've made strides. I have my dark days as you can tell from my posts. I'm not "actively suicidal" which means that I won't kill myself but my demons of thinking about death are very much real. I scare myself tremendously with how dark the thoughts get but I won't nor can I.

I have a child. She is already missing one parent in her life. And my drastic actions would only break my daughter into several fragile pieces that would never be a healthy, strong person.

So, I fight. And I will celebrate my 31st on 11.09. I still have so much more in my life to work on. I pray for strength. I pray for help. I pray for compassion. And I live.