I have atheist-envy

My essence is my spirituality. I am a faith driven person. I live my life-moment to moment-in some spiritual relationship with God. God the male, the female, the deity. I know God as the creator. My omnipotent, omniscient creator. No definition true. All definitions limited.

But being human, I've put limitations on God. I want Him to save me. My religion has told me that if I do A and B then C will happen. He'll bless me with happiness. He'll help me through the pain. If I have undying, unwaivering devotion, then God true to form will hold me in His heavenly arms.

What a crock of shit!

I've done A. I've done B. I've done the whole fucking alphabet. But God is not here healing my heart and soul. But the piously devout will tell you it's my fault. I'll tell you it's my fault. I've not done enough. I don't believe with my whole self. I'm not saved.

The atheist is done. He's chosen not to believe. A true atheist has retired the whole subject. With all his depth he says God does not exist.

I wish I could have that definitive answer. My unconscious self believes in God. Nothing will wash away what God imprinted on my soul. And I'm unsettled. It would be easier to not believe in God. I wish I could. Erase religion and doctrine and my depth still says God exists.

And if (s)he(it) exists, what the hell am I doing wrong that I have no relief? No help? No salvation?

Damn religion for handicapping me and limiting my God

And damn the atheist. I wish I were you.