Mea culpa

Sigh...Ok. I need to purge.

I am absolutely horrible to myself. I've never been as cruel to my worst enemy than I am to myself on an average day. I think if any of you were to be a ghost following me about in my daily life, you would be horrified at what I do.

I've managed to take away most of my soul's joy. I think as some twisted form of punishment. I don't think I'm trying to learn a life's lesson though. I think this demonic Marquis de Sade has taken control of my judgement.

The ugly profanities I use as mantras inside my head.The self interrupting starts to great projects and ideas that lead to nothingness.

I spend more time in retrospection than I should. Why do I do it? God, so many reasons why. Voices from my childhood haunt me still, criticizing my decisions and actions and even the breath the flows from my body.

How do I stop? Lobotomy? If I could cut out the damaged portion of my brain and still be vibrant, I would do it. Have my friends lather me with compliments every moment of the day? Please?! But that's unrealistic. I don't want any of you to validate me.

I want my soul to soar because of me. I want my lungs to be filled with love for myself. I want my joy to return. I want to stop punishing myself.