I had been looking for the right tattoo for several years. I knew I wanted a spiritual symbol. I promised myself I would never put another person's name on my body. Relationships with people end and I didn't want "George" tattoed across my breast (by the way, there is no George) long after the fantastic trysts in bed had ended. I had thought about something Celtic, perhaps something circular, then something Japanese, and toyed with something written in Hebrew But I didn't find anything of value.
I came across a bookmark in Booksamillion. This beautiful symbol that looked Japanese and had this circular flow to it. Gye Nyame (jeh-N-yah-mee) -"except God" This African representation that nothing happens in life without the presence of God. There is nothing except God, omnipotent and omniscient. Always in one's life.
That's my view of my living. I've done everything with God involved. The affair with the married Fred. The traipsing to California and subsequent conception of Emma. My attempted suicide. My infatuation and love for certain people in my life. My volitile relationship with Mrs. Devine. My bipolar. Every major and minor event in my life has happened with God.
I think this is why I've been so anger filled especially at religions but namely at God. He has this power to fix my life. Yes, I know....it's not broken. I'm not broken. BUT I feel I am. Religion says pray and give and give more and pray until your knees are red. Prayers will be answered. When? I ask. In God's time. God gives what we need and not what we want.
I don't think I want much. I want to love myself. I want to give my daughter a foundation so strong that when she's out in the world, she'll have the spine to stand up for herself and others. I want to be productive for my fellow man...on a consistent basis. I want to feel part of the world outside me.
And besides...I hate giving up that control to some unseen force that powerful empires have fought over. That people use as faulty logic for hating other cultures, homosexuality, no birth control. I hate that I'm supposed to just sit idly by and wait for the God that is shared by me and hate-mongers to change my life. I don't like that. So, I try to do for myself and in the process I sometimes give God the cold shoulder.
Despite my anger towards God, I keep talking to this omnipotent, omniscient power. I don't believe He's going to condemn me because I doubt and get angry and yell as well as love and have faith. I marked my body because I do believe in this God that is constantly here in my life. Selfishly though, I wish that He would just let it go my way sometimes.