If you placed your hand on my heart, would you be able to understand?
If I tangled my fingers in yours, would you know?
If I looked in your eyes and wept, would you cry with me?
Second day in a row. We come here a couple times weekly. I think the librarians are thinking we have no life.
Brought Emma here for the Friday movie. During the summer time, the library shows a kid-friendly movie in one of their meeting rooms on a large projection screen. Today it was Tuck Everlasting. First time either of us saw it, and it was good.
Also had to get some more books. I picked up two from the new section on our way out last night. Read The Truth about Celia last night before bed. This book is quirky if one can use that word about a tale of a child gone missing. The story itself is sad but how the author wove this tale was just odd. A couple of shorter, seemingly irrelevant stories interjected the main plot. AND the author had a number of different styles in the book. He wrote from EVERYONE's point of view at one moment or another. I liked it primarily because the story didn't end happily ever after. The main character who is the father of the missing Celia and from whom the story is written (the book is written as a book within a book) is disconnected because of Celia's disapperance. It leaves you feeling splintered as one would feel if you lost a child.
I read The Grave of God's Daughter this morning. My god, I love this book. The author has an eloquent voice that is intelligent and expressive. The main character is a young girl who lives with her family in the poorest part of town. She uncovers secrets namely the depth of the love of her mother all in the course of trying to buy back her mother's prized possession, The Black Madonna painting. Amazing storyteller and touching story.
So....today I'm going to pick up about five or so books for the weekend. Already have a Langston Hughes' book.
If I'm not back before the end of the weekend, have a fabulous one. Thinking of all of you.
I've been reviewed by The Weblog Review, and I'm blushing from the compliments. I have to say that it strokes my ego when people leave comments that they like Light and Darkness. It's just another voice that encourages me to continue writing.
Thank you, Yetzirah and The Weblog Review. And thank you to everyone that reads. I do do this for myself, but I'm not going to lie and say that I don't mind people noticing....and laying it on thick isn't a bad idea either. *wink*
I don't care what anyone says. Being without online service and easy access to my blog does NOT get any easier with time. DTs! DTs!
Read a couple of books over the weekend. The Body Spoken is marvelous. The woman's story pulls you in like a rip current. You feel compelled to discover the mysterious Hemy as much as the man on the train does. Moonlight on the Avenue of Faith had me until the very end. I was disappointed in the author's final fate of Roxanna.
I know. I don't go into detail about any of the books I've read but this isn't a book report.
I started writing a story. I don't know how long it's going to be but I like the premise of it. It will probably be like the other writing projects I started....abadoned. I've a million and one story ideas. I have the characters already living their lives inside my head but I can't get them living and breathing on paper. I run full-speed into these tremendous walls within me and stop.
Been having some desparate moments lately. VERY desparate moments. I wish I had someone to just sit up late with me and talk me through them. Feeling cut-off from others. No internet. No phone. No body.
Ever had a desparate moment? A can't-breathe-don't-know-where-to-turn-to desparate moment? What did you do to get beyond it?
I had a dream the other night that my father died. Same night I dreamt that I cut all Em's hair off while she screamed and fought me. Next night I had a dream that I had intercourse with two unknown men live on the internet with friends standing in a roped off section of the room watching. Strange, yes?!
Got an email from my friend Brian. He's been travelling the world for the last six months and has finally returned to the States. Lot of things I want to say about him but haven't worked through the thoughts myself yet.
Looking in the mirror lately, I've discovered that I look old. Now I'm not one for that superficial nonsense of getting plastic surgery to stay young looking. ANNNND...I've been told time and time again that I look younger than I am. But I think I feel this way because of the lack of activity in my life. I feel like time is slipping quickly past and I'm doing nothing. Makes me feel old. I think the inactivity makes me feel dead. I need a shot of Vitamin B...at least emotionally.
Happy Birthday, Ali. I hope the day is absolutely marvelous. I wish that I could help you celebrate.
I have to say that I am thankful that Murray started his site. So many good things have come from it...so many great people in my life because of him. And our friendship is one thing that I treasure. It's been nearly a year since our introduction and it has already been a rollercoaster, together and separately. But I'm glad for it because we are friends. I believe you are a friend I will carry on into my golden years.
So, I lift my glass to you and wish you years and years of new friendships and adventures so that when we are old and gray and our boobs sag to our ankles; we'll have a lifetime to talk about.
Happy Birthday, my friend.
I tell you...just when I begin to feel guilty for the relationship between my mother and myself, she reminds me why I'm angry at her and should have no remorse for separating from the drama.
Mrs. Devine visited my house last night. It was a cosmic thing because I had been thinking of her quite a bit the last few days and how I should suck it up and go and see her. Well, she got the vibe and stopped by herself. I will not go over the entire visit because there is no need. Just take my word for it and believe me when I say that she pissed me off. I will however give you one sentence that resonates through my body.
She said to Emma, "You think I'm so mean that you want to kill me."
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why. Why I am such a bitch towards my mother. Why I am reluctant to let her in Emma and my lives. Why I am screwed up in the head.
My mother is psychotic.
|How to make a Naomi|
1 part friendliness
1 part brilliance
3 parts empathy
Stir together in a glass tumbler with a salted rim. Add a little curiosity if desired!
Ok. I'm disgusted how time changes as we get older. When I was child a thirty minute program seemed to last longer than its half hour feel. A six hour car ride between Indianapolis and Sheboygan felt like an unbearable two-week trek through a barren wasteland. And a year between birthdays was an infinity of pain.
But now? Forget it. I can't believe a week has passed between Fridays. AND IT'S NEARLY MID-JUNE!!! How the hell has that happened?!
Birthdays are coming up like Emmaline's. Her birthday is only two months away. Her ninth birthday to be exact. Fuck! It's too fast.
Time is definitely not an accurate measure of a person's life.
I sat on my bed facing my mirror this morning. The sad thoughts overwhelmed my brain again. In my genetics I spied my mother tightening her lips. I saw the man who helped conceive me in the furrow of my brows. I saw bitterness and pain and an ageless stream of regret and forgotten hope. And I wanted to run even more than I already have.
I've always despised looking in a mirror. When I was younger, it was Bloody Mary and the unknown I feared. Then I started hating the reflection even more. I have this body-shaking phobia that the mirror will reflect what I truly am: a demon with selfish desires and ugly needs.
I try the exercise of complimenting myself whilst looking in the mirror but I look away quickly before my sinister reflection can come to life and laugh at me. I fear her lips will curl up before I hear my deep laugh resonating from the smooth surface. I squirm at the menacing thoughts of her eyes, my eyes, blinking in disbelief at my stiff compliments before squinting and focusing on me in mocked surprise. I envision my cold doppelganger's mouth cursing me. Her ridicule and harrassment biting my already damaged self-esteem like a bullwhip slicing into the porcelain skin of a sickly child. So, I walk away before the demon awakes. If I hold my icy glare, I punch myself with torturing words of hate to appease the wicked witch. Like a magic spell I hiss and growl at my gemini to keep her enslaved within the world of glass before she can destroy me any further.
Watched a couple of things yesterday that brought a smile to my face. It was the first night of Last Comic Standing on NBC. I'm a sucker for comedy. That kept my interest for two hours at which time I flipped to PBS and caught Cosmopolitan on [i]ndependent Lens. Absolutely loved this film. Being privy to the Indian culture added so much more texture to this film for me. Amazingly this short film was only an hour long but I didn't feel like anything was missing. Such a great film!
Started a book last night and finished it this morning. The Language of Good-bye. I'm still surprised that this book moved me so much. I cried several times. The language of this book is beautiful. I've had the book on my shelf for months having picked it up at a discount book store. My favorite character by far was Sungae (pronounced Soon-gee).
Finished another book yesterday: My Life Among the Serial Killers. For the most part, the book was interesting. The author is pretentious and conceited. Her writing style changes abruptly when she adds anecdotes of her life; and I find it made the whole book trite. I would have enjoyed the book more if I didn't have to read about her personal life and issues. Blah!
Oh! I found the CD I borrowed from the library. It was in my backpack. Not where I expected to find it. I don't recall putting it there. And I finally listened to it today. It sucked!
Oooooo, I'm a bitch today.
When we got home from the library yesterday, we found a note regarding the bicycle taped to our carport door from our neighbor, Ms. Betty. We had spoken to her on Friday during our search for Em's bike. We thought perhaps this note indicated that she had seen the person who had stolen the bike.
Were we ever so wrong! Ms. Betty had spoken to the Willies (they are the Willies because her name is Willie Mae and his is Willy D) who live directly across the street from us about the bicycle. Mr. Willy found and purchased a bicycle very similar to Emma's at a yard sale. Em is more than excited and I'm so thankful for such a fantastic group of neighbors. Em is back in the saddle, so to speak thanks to them.
I had seen a small blurb on one of the newshows about people trying to get to know their neighbors again. I have to agree that during these last couple of decades we have gotten away from getting friendly with the people who live in our neighborhoods. I've been lucky that Emma and I have lived in some great places and haven't had to go without that connection.
Before moving to Pensacola, we lived in the student family housing at the university I attended. A part time job at the community building turned into the Assistant Apartment Manager, and I got to know everyone. Emma was part of a community of parents and children. I miss that community.
Living in the neighborhood that we do is a blessing also. I don't know everyone but the houses that surround my small white one is full of people who think of us.
Going back to that blurb...once a week during the warmer months, I believe that's how often, someone would host the neighborhood. He/she would make some simple beverage like lemonade or iced tea. Other neighbors would come over and would sit outside. It wouldn't have to be a formal invitation. Just sit outside with drink and perhaps disposable cups and serve anyone interested in a bit of refreshment. Introductions would be made and from there, conversations. Someone would host it the following week. Just a simple way to bring the neighborhood out and to build relationships.
I think we should try this especially if you don't know ANY of your neighbors. Doesn't seem to hard to manage, does it? Even if you just sit outside with lemonade and noone arrives, it wouldn't be too bad. A nice night out. But if you see someone out, you have to call to them over to have a drink. Don't be fearful. Don't be shy. You never know what wonderful people you would meet. They may just be the people to change your life in a positive way. They may be the people who bring a smile to you or your child's face.
I'd quote REM but don't wanna.
I'm trying to find a new religion to invest in. I feel very alone not communing with others about God or the creator or whatever the hell you want to use. I don't think there is a proper name for the deity.
Sooo, what religion am I?
Do I really subscribe to being a Christian? I'm not sure. When I was a child, I learned about Christ but I didn't pray to him or even really pay any true spiritual attention to him. I took all my cares and worries and prayers to the source, God. To this day, I spend more time talking to the top dog. I want to learn more about Jesus in a anthropological/archeological/historical manner. Learn more about him as a figure in history compared to a religious way. Not to lessen his meaning but to see him as a person. I'd like to see his role and its impact on men and how it changed religions....nothing about his miraculous incarnation. I want to see him strictly as a man of our history.
My beliefs. What religion do they resemble more? I believe in God's duality. I don't think that evil and good are separate forces. I believe that NOTHING exists on its own separate from God. God is truely omnipotent, omnipresent, and omniscient. If this is my belief; then what men has defined as the devil, Satan, evil can NOT rule side by side with God. It cannot have the same amount of power or influence and be separate from God. If so, then Christianity is not a monotheistic religion. It's polytheistic. I believe in only one God. The evil can only exist with God's permission. Correct? Only way I can see this being possible is having God control the good and the bad. If using the Bible as reference, Job supports this. The devil had to have permission from God to test Job. God allowed the ills that fell upon Job's house.
God's duality leads to questions like is the Trinity true? If God's good side is split into three personas, then wouldn't it be safe to assume that the evil side would have more than one incarnation? If not more than one, then God should at least be defined other than being the Trinity....there's the ever presence of bad.
This isn't saying that I condone wickedness or evil or ill-treatment of one another. I believe there is a balance. Many Asian religions incorporate this belief of balance. And it's not a matter of one side winning over the other. Any situation, trial, tribulation can be seen as a joyful blessing of God or temptation of the devil. Isn't it both? Isn't it then a testament of how man overcomes it all? A test of how he balances the nature of it all? Does he succumb to the negative energies or rise above them and survive?
Man's goal is to overcome the sinful nature of himself. I define sin as anything that separates us from God. We try to overcome the test of emotional, mental, and physical adversities to become one with this mysterious power we know as Creator. God is perfect and infinite...perfect and infinite balance, knowledge, and being...and our movements through life are to attain that perfect connection with him/her nd withing ourselves.
Another belief....ALL RELIGIONS ARE FALSE. Anything man-made is full of fallacies. I don't care if something was divinely inspired. The innerworkings of man will always...always....interpret the messages for his own benefit. All religions' roots are from a previous religion. They start the same way. Followers believe in all the tenets of a religion except for that one thing. Perhaps it was whether or not you can eat pork, wash your hair, worship idols, believe in divorce, etc...Someone disagreed with one or two things and developed a new sect, religion, denomination. So...religions are inherently false and created for the benefit of man's ease and pleasure....sort of makes you question why I want to find a religion, yes?
I believe that throughout the ages there have been men and women who have come close to that delicate relationship between God and us. We have/had prophets who achieved more wisdom and spiritual strength. I think these people span all the world religions which leads me back to wondering what role Christ plays in our lives?
Thousands of questions race about my head. I know I truely won't find one religion that ultimately describes my personal spirituality. I hate that I'm starting at square one with finding my religious place in the world. I'm not trying to start a whole new belief system. I think I'm just looking for a spiritual leader that could help guide me. Perhaps a guru that can help me synchronize all the thoughts and voices within me so that I can focus on building my own relationship with God. I need someone worldly and wise that listens to her/his own quiet whisperings and doesn't want me to worship at any man's religious altar. A teacher that raises questions and perhaps answers others. I need to be someone's Grasshopper.
Yesterday was a day of bittersweetness. Saw a couple of movies..more on that in a moment.
My darling Pie had her bicycle stolen. I'm absolutely livid about the whole matter. Em and I had made a run to the store to get snacks for the movie. When we returned (according to Emma), the bicycle was still on the carport. Em said she had to actually go around it to get to the house. I don't recall if it was or not. You know how we get at times. We take things for granted and pay no mind to everyday objects. About an hour later, Em wanted to go for a bike ride. THAT'S when we noticed the disappearance of her bike.
STUPID ASS PERSON STOLE THE BIKE WHEN WE WERE IN THE HOUSE!!!!
Pisses me off! Em has been cursing in her own little 8 year old way. Nothing profane like her role model of a mother. Just bad curses and karma for the poor sod. She'll spit out her venomous remarks and then make an apology for wishing ill. I tell her it's ok to get it out.
Don't worry. I'm not letting her get away with thinking the worse for someone. We talked about all the possible reasons someone would steal her bicycle. Perhaps a child in worse economic condition than us and that has no toys or fun, wanted something to bring happiness to his/her life. Perhaps a child who unknowingly wants attention to parents who give him/her none....and so on.
I'm trying to help her make peace with the whole thing. Amazingly her scenarios of what happened are more optimistic and hilarious than mine. Everything from the storm the other night rolling it down the street where an unknowing passerby picks up the abandoned bicycle to a child just having a joyride and will bring it back.
I'm angry. I'll get her another bike eventually but it will be some time from now. The meaning behind that bicycle is a looooong story and I just don't want to get into it. I'm just pissed.
Reluctantly moving on.....after we discovered the bike was missing, we drove around a bit to look for it. I know. No luck. We headed to the movies after our search.
Was early to say the least. Harry Potter was good. Some things about the movie I'm quite disappointed in. For the fans of the book, this one had more holes in the story than the previous two. If you don't know the tale, then the movie is fine. I liked the artistic, slightly macabre look of the film. Looked darker and that was a plus. Still. Holes.
Now here is where I was bad....With a couple of slick moves, Em and I snuck into another theater and saw The Day After Tomorrow. My child was jazzed that we did it.
Question to all of you: Is all stealing bad? Do you forgive one incident of thievery if it were for a good cause or against thieves themselves compared to judging a thief who steals a bicycle from a child? What sins should be forgiven even if they are sins the same? Do you forgive Jean Valjean in Les Miserables for stealing from a bakery to feed his nephews/nieces who are starving? Is it as bad the Enron folks who stole millions from their investors and employees?
By the way....I loved every minute spent watching that stolen movie.