Light and Darkness

Without Words

If you placed your hand on my heart, would you be able to understand?

If I tangled my fingers in yours, would you know?

If I looked in your eyes and wept, would you cry with me?

Move into the library?

Second day in a row. We come here a couple times weekly. I think the librarians are thinking we have no life.

Wait.

We don't.

Brought Emma here for the Friday movie. During the summer time, the library shows a kid-friendly movie in one of their meeting rooms on a large projection screen. Today it was Tuck Everlasting. First time either of us saw it, and it was good.

Also had to get some more books. I picked up two from the new section on our way out last night. Read The Truth about Celia last night before bed. This book is quirky if one can use that word about a tale of a child gone missing. The story itself is sad but how the author wove this tale was just odd. A couple of shorter, seemingly irrelevant stories interjected the main plot. AND the author had a number of different styles in the book. He wrote from EVERYONE's point of view at one moment or another. I liked it primarily because the story didn't end happily ever after. The main character who is the father of the missing Celia and from whom the story is written (the book is written as a book within a book) is disconnected because of Celia's disapperance. It leaves you feeling splintered as one would feel if you lost a child.

I read The Grave of God's Daughter this morning. My god, I love this book. The author has an eloquent voice that is intelligent and expressive. The main character is a young girl who lives with her family in the poorest part of town. She uncovers secrets namely the depth of the love of her mother all in the course of trying to buy back her mother's prized possession, The Black Madonna painting. Amazing storyteller and touching story.

So....today I'm going to pick up about five or so books for the weekend. Already have a Langston Hughes' book.

If I'm not back before the end of the weekend, have a fabulous one. Thinking of all of you.

The reviews are in.

I've been reviewed by The Weblog Review, and I'm blushing from the compliments. I have to say that it strokes my ego when people leave comments that they like Light and Darkness. It's just another voice that encourages me to continue writing.

Thank you, Yetzirah and The Weblog Review. And thank you to everyone that reads. I do do this for myself, but I'm not going to lie and say that I don't mind people noticing....and laying it on thick isn't a bad idea either. *wink*

a small confession

i cringe when i have to log-off from the library computer.
i feel like a child that has to let go of her mother's skirt hem.
i sense this loss of vocal freedom.

the rambles of a mad woman

I don't care what anyone says. Being without online service and easy access to my blog does NOT get any easier with time. DTs! DTs!

Ack!

Read a couple of books over the weekend. The Body Spoken is marvelous. The woman's story pulls you in like a rip current. You feel compelled to discover the mysterious Hemy as much as the man on the train does. Moonlight on the Avenue of Faith had me until the very end. I was disappointed in the author's final fate of Roxanna.

I know. I don't go into detail about any of the books I've read but this isn't a book report.

I started writing a story. I don't know how long it's going to be but I like the premise of it. It will probably be like the other writing projects I started....abadoned. I've a million and one story ideas. I have the characters already living their lives inside my head but I can't get them living and breathing on paper. I run full-speed into these tremendous walls within me and stop.

eh...

Been having some desparate moments lately. VERY desparate moments. I wish I had someone to just sit up late with me and talk me through them. Feeling cut-off from others. No internet. No phone. No body.

Ever had a desparate moment? A can't-breathe-don't-know-where-to-turn-to desparate moment? What did you do to get beyond it?

I had a dream the other night that my father died. Same night I dreamt that I cut all Em's hair off while she screamed and fought me. Next night I had a dream that I had intercourse with two unknown men live on the internet with friends standing in a roped off section of the room watching. Strange, yes?!

Got an email from my friend Brian. He's been travelling the world for the last six months and has finally returned to the States. Lot of things I want to say about him but haven't worked through the thoughts myself yet.

hmmmm....

Looking in the mirror lately, I've discovered that I look old. Now I'm not one for that superficial nonsense of getting plastic surgery to stay young looking. ANNNND...I've been told time and time again that I look younger than I am. But I think I feel this way because of the lack of activity in my life. I feel like time is slipping quickly past and I'm doing nothing. Makes me feel old. I think the inactivity makes me feel dead. I need a shot of Vitamin B...at least emotionally.

God.

The Wild Woman's Day

Happy Birthday, Ali. I hope the day is absolutely marvelous. I wish that I could help you celebrate.

I have to say that I am thankful that Murray started his site. So many good things have come from it...so many great people in my life because of him. And our friendship is one thing that I treasure. It's been nearly a year since our introduction and it has already been a rollercoaster, together and separately. But I'm glad for it because we are friends. I believe you are a friend I will carry on into my golden years.

So, I lift my glass to you and wish you years and years of new friendships and adventures so that when we are old and gray and our boobs sag to our ankles; we'll have a lifetime to talk about.

Happy Birthday, my friend.

JUSTIFIED!!!

I tell you...just when I begin to feel guilty for the relationship between my mother and myself, she reminds me why I'm angry at her and should have no remorse for separating from the drama.

Mrs. Devine visited my house last night. It was a cosmic thing because I had been thinking of her quite a bit the last few days and how I should suck it up and go and see her. Well, she got the vibe and stopped by herself. I will not go over the entire visit because there is no need. Just take my word for it and believe me when I say that she pissed me off. I will however give you one sentence that resonates through my body.

She said to Emma, "You think I'm so mean that you want to kill me."

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why. Why I am such a bitch towards my mother. Why I am reluctant to let her in Emma and my lives. Why I am screwed up in the head.

My mother is psychotic.

Not shaken but stirred

How to make a Naomi

Ingredients: 1 part friendliness 1 part brilliance 3 parts empathy

Method: Stir together in a glass tumbler with a salted rim. Add a little curiosity if desired!

Username:

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

Thanks, Alicia

Ok. I'm disgusted how time changes as we get older. When I was child a thirty minute program seemed to last longer than its half hour feel. A six hour car ride between Indianapolis and Sheboygan felt like an unbearable two-week trek through a barren wasteland. And a year between birthdays was an infinity of pain.

But now? Forget it. I can't believe a week has passed between Fridays. AND IT'S NEARLY MID-JUNE!!! How the hell has that happened?!

Birthdays are coming up like Emmaline's. Her birthday is only two months away. Her ninth birthday to be exact. Fuck! It's too fast.

Time is definitely not an accurate measure of a person's life.

I sat on my bed facing my mirror this morning. The sad thoughts overwhelmed my brain again. In my genetics I spied my mother tightening her lips. I saw the man who helped conceive me in the furrow of my brows. I saw bitterness and pain and an ageless stream of regret and forgotten hope. And I wanted to run even more than I already have.

I've always despised looking in a mirror. When I was younger, it was Bloody Mary and the unknown I feared. Then I started hating the reflection even more. I have this body-shaking phobia that the mirror will reflect what I truly am: a demon with selfish desires and ugly needs.

I try the exercise of complimenting myself whilst looking in the mirror but I look away quickly before my sinister reflection can come to life and laugh at me. I fear her lips will curl up before I hear my deep laugh resonating from the smooth surface. I squirm at the menacing thoughts of her eyes, my eyes, blinking in disbelief at my stiff compliments before squinting and focusing on me in mocked surprise. I envision my cold doppelganger's mouth cursing me. Her ridicule and harrassment biting my already damaged self-esteem like a bullwhip slicing into the porcelain skin of a sickly child. So, I walk away before the demon awakes. If I hold my icy glare, I punch myself with torturing words of hate to appease the wicked witch. Like a magic spell I hiss and growl at my gemini to keep her enslaved within the world of glass before she can destroy me any further.

Watched a couple of things yesterday that brought a smile to my face. It was the first night of Last Comic Standing on NBC. I'm a sucker for comedy. That kept my interest for two hours at which time I flipped to PBS and caught Cosmopolitan on [i]ndependent Lens. Absolutely loved this film. Being privy to the Indian culture added so much more texture to this film for me. Amazingly this short film was only an hour long but I didn't feel like anything was missing. Such a great film!

Started a book last night and finished it this morning. The Language of Good-bye. I'm still surprised that this book moved me so much. I cried several times. The language of this book is beautiful. I've had the book on my shelf for months having picked it up at a discount book store. My favorite character by far was Sungae (pronounced Soon-gee).

Finished another book yesterday: My Life Among the Serial Killers. For the most part, the book was interesting. The author is pretentious and conceited. Her writing style changes abruptly when she adds anecdotes of her life; and I find it made the whole book trite. I would have enjoyed the book more if I didn't have to read about her personal life and issues. Blah!

Oh! I found the CD I borrowed from the library. It was in my backpack. Not where I expected to find it. I don't recall putting it there. And I finally listened to it today. It sucked!

Oooooo, I'm a bitch today.

I feel uglier than usual today.

When we got home from the library yesterday, we found a note regarding the bicycle taped to our carport door from our neighbor, Ms. Betty. We had spoken to her on Friday during our search for Em's bike. We thought perhaps this note indicated that she had seen the person who had stolen the bike.

Were we ever so wrong! Ms. Betty had spoken to the Willies (they are the Willies because her name is Willie Mae and his is Willy D) who live directly across the street from us about the bicycle. Mr. Willy found and purchased a bicycle very similar to Emma's at a yard sale. Em is more than excited and I'm so thankful for such a fantastic group of neighbors. Em is back in the saddle, so to speak thanks to them.

I had seen a small blurb on one of the newshows about people trying to get to know their neighbors again. I have to agree that during these last couple of decades we have gotten away from getting friendly with the people who live in our neighborhoods. I've been lucky that Emma and I have lived in some great places and haven't had to go without that connection.

Before moving to Pensacola, we lived in the student family housing at the university I attended. A part time job at the community building turned into the Assistant Apartment Manager, and I got to know everyone. Emma was part of a community of parents and children. I miss that community.

Living in the neighborhood that we do is a blessing also. I don't know everyone but the houses that surround my small white one is full of people who think of us.

Going back to that blurb...once a week during the warmer months, I believe that's how often, someone would host the neighborhood. He/she would make some simple beverage like lemonade or iced tea. Other neighbors would come over and would sit outside. It wouldn't have to be a formal invitation. Just sit outside with drink and perhaps disposable cups and serve anyone interested in a bit of refreshment. Introductions would be made and from there, conversations. Someone would host it the following week. Just a simple way to bring the neighborhood out and to build relationships.

I think we should try this especially if you don't know ANY of your neighbors. Doesn't seem to hard to manage, does it? Even if you just sit outside with lemonade and noone arrives, it wouldn't be too bad. A nice night out. But if you see someone out, you have to call to them over to have a drink. Don't be fearful. Don't be shy. You never know what wonderful people you would meet. They may just be the people to change your life in a positive way. They may be the people who bring a smile to you or your child's face.

I'd quote REM but don't wanna.

I'm trying to find a new religion to invest in. I feel very alone not communing with others about God or the creator or whatever the hell you want to use. I don't think there is a proper name for the deity.

Sooo, what religion am I?

Do I really subscribe to being a Christian? I'm not sure. When I was a child, I learned about Christ but I didn't pray to him or even really pay any true spiritual attention to him. I took all my cares and worries and prayers to the source, God. To this day, I spend more time talking to the top dog. I want to learn more about Jesus in a anthropological/archeological/historical manner. Learn more about him as a figure in history compared to a religious way. Not to lessen his meaning but to see him as a person. I'd like to see his role and its impact on men and how it changed religions....nothing about his miraculous incarnation. I want to see him strictly as a man of our history.

My beliefs. What religion do they resemble more? I believe in God's duality. I don't think that evil and good are separate forces. I believe that NOTHING exists on its own separate from God. God is truely omnipotent, omnipresent, and omniscient. If this is my belief; then what men has defined as the devil, Satan, evil can NOT rule side by side with God. It cannot have the same amount of power or influence and be separate from God. If so, then Christianity is not a monotheistic religion. It's polytheistic. I believe in only one God. The evil can only exist with God's permission. Correct? Only way I can see this being possible is having God control the good and the bad. If using the Bible as reference, Job supports this. The devil had to have permission from God to test Job. God allowed the ills that fell upon Job's house.

God's duality leads to questions like is the Trinity true? If God's good side is split into three personas, then wouldn't it be safe to assume that the evil side would have more than one incarnation? If not more than one, then God should at least be defined other than being the Trinity....there's the ever presence of bad.

This isn't saying that I condone wickedness or evil or ill-treatment of one another. I believe there is a balance. Many Asian religions incorporate this belief of balance. And it's not a matter of one side winning over the other. Any situation, trial, tribulation can be seen as a joyful blessing of God or temptation of the devil. Isn't it both? Isn't it then a testament of how man overcomes it all? A test of how he balances the nature of it all? Does he succumb to the negative energies or rise above them and survive?

Man's goal is to overcome the sinful nature of himself. I define sin as anything that separates us from God. We try to overcome the test of emotional, mental, and physical adversities to become one with this mysterious power we know as Creator. God is perfect and infinite...perfect and infinite balance, knowledge, and being...and our movements through life are to attain that perfect connection with him/her nd withing ourselves.

Another belief....ALL RELIGIONS ARE FALSE. Anything man-made is full of fallacies. I don't care if something was divinely inspired. The innerworkings of man will always...always....interpret the messages for his own benefit. All religions' roots are from a previous religion. They start the same way. Followers believe in all the tenets of a religion except for that one thing. Perhaps it was whether or not you can eat pork, wash your hair, worship idols, believe in divorce, etc...Someone disagreed with one or two things and developed a new sect, religion, denomination. So...religions are inherently false and created for the benefit of man's ease and pleasure....sort of makes you question why I want to find a religion, yes?

I believe that throughout the ages there have been men and women who have come close to that delicate relationship between God and us. We have/had prophets who achieved more wisdom and spiritual strength. I think these people span all the world religions which leads me back to wondering what role Christ plays in our lives?

Thousands of questions race about my head. I know I truely won't find one religion that ultimately describes my personal spirituality. I hate that I'm starting at square one with finding my religious place in the world. I'm not trying to start a whole new belief system. I think I'm just looking for a spiritual leader that could help guide me. Perhaps a guru that can help me synchronize all the thoughts and voices within me so that I can focus on building my own relationship with God. I need someone worldly and wise that listens to her/his own quiet whisperings and doesn't want me to worship at any man's religious altar. A teacher that raises questions and perhaps answers others. I need to be someone's Grasshopper.

Yesterday was a day of bittersweetness. Saw a couple of movies..more on that in a moment.

My darling Pie had her bicycle stolen. I'm absolutely livid about the whole matter. Em and I had made a run to the store to get snacks for the movie. When we returned (according to Emma), the bicycle was still on the carport. Em said she had to actually go around it to get to the house. I don't recall if it was or not. You know how we get at times. We take things for granted and pay no mind to everyday objects. About an hour later, Em wanted to go for a bike ride. THAT'S when we noticed the disappearance of her bike.

STUPID ASS PERSON STOLE THE BIKE WHEN WE WERE IN THE HOUSE!!!!

Pisses me off! Em has been cursing in her own little 8 year old way. Nothing profane like her role model of a mother. Just bad curses and karma for the poor sod. She'll spit out her venomous remarks and then make an apology for wishing ill. I tell her it's ok to get it out.

Don't worry. I'm not letting her get away with thinking the worse for someone. We talked about all the possible reasons someone would steal her bicycle. Perhaps a child in worse economic condition than us and that has no toys or fun, wanted something to bring happiness to his/her life. Perhaps a child who unknowingly wants attention to parents who give him/her none....and so on.

I'm trying to help her make peace with the whole thing. Amazingly her scenarios of what happened are more optimistic and hilarious than mine. Everything from the storm the other night rolling it down the street where an unknowing  passerby picks up the abandoned bicycle to a child just having a joyride and will bring it back.

I'm angry. I'll get her another bike eventually but it will be some time from now. The meaning behind that bicycle is a looooong story and I just don't want to get into it. I'm just pissed.

ACK!

Reluctantly moving on.....after we discovered the bike was missing, we drove around a bit to look for it. I know. No luck. We headed to the movies after our search.

Was early to say the least. Harry Potter was good. Some things about the movie I'm quite disappointed in. For the fans of the book, this one had more holes in the story than the previous two. If you don't know the tale, then the movie is fine. I liked the artistic, slightly macabre look of the film. Looked darker and that was a plus. Still. Holes.

Now here is where I was bad....With a couple of slick moves, Em and I snuck into another theater and saw The Day After Tomorrow. My child was jazzed that we did it.

Question to all of you: Is all stealing bad? Do you forgive one incident of thievery if it were for a good cause or against thieves themselves compared to judging a thief who steals a bicycle from a child? What sins should be forgiven even if they are sins the same? Do you forgive Jean Valjean in Les Miserables for stealing from a bakery to feed his nephews/nieces who are starving? Is it as bad the Enron folks who stole millions from their investors and employees?

By the way....I loved every minute spent watching that stolen movie.

Ok. I am absolutely pissing in my pants. My heart is all aflutter. I was checking my stats to see who has been here, and I find someone did a search for Don Wood (Colonial House guy that I'm drooling over as of late) using the local newpaper's online service. So I head to the paper's site and find out that Don Wood now has a site up and running.
Um? Yum!

I know. I'm a big ol' nerd. Annnnd? Are you really telling me something new?! By the way....I'm now a blurb in the Pensacola news because of my schoolgirl crush. Lord! Again, I'm a goof.

Tomorrow is Harry Potter day. Em is excited...and yes, I am too.

Been fighting off migraines this week. I've run out of Excedrine Migraine which had become my salvation. No more of it so I've been downing Motrin, Tylenol, and Lortabs. They've been keeping the pain to a dull pain in the forehead with a little queasiness in the gut. Eck!

Starving for ethnic food. Seriously need to gorge myself on the following: sushi and nigiri, yakisoba, miso soup, fajitas, guacomole, salsa and chips, refried beans, sopapilla, mixed chinese vegetables, dim sum, shao pao, diniguan, and a cornucopia of other ethinic delights.

Needing sex.

I've misplaced a CD I borrowed from the library. Not too happy about that. I know where I put it but it's not there.

Wanting to color my hair. Superflous want, I know. But it is something on my mind.

I've been thinking of doing something odd but don't want to talk about it because it's absolutely silly.

Want to get a piercing in that space below my bottom lip. I think that's one of the sexiest piercings. Actually, thinking of a lot of different piercings. Want another tattoo...at least one.

Hmmmm? What else? I miss my grandparents. I miss having a relationship with them.

These are just things on my mind. Ramblings. I'll stop at the few. If we delve into some of my other ramblings, I may just scare a few of you.

Missing folks.

Answer the following questions in the comment box:
1. Who are you?
2. Have we ever met?
3. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
4. Describe me in one word.
5. What reminds you of me?
6. If you could give me anything, what would it be?
7. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
8. Are you going to put this on your weblog and see what I say about you?
9. What do you love like a fat kid loves cake?
10. What makes you come back here?

from electric bugaloo

I am the Venus in a Surrealist's painting. Maybe Venus is too kind. Perhaps an ant.

I'm having doubts that I actually exist. Seems sort of like a metaphysical quest I'm going through, doesn't it? Or perhaps I'm just crazy. But it's not just a matter of mind feeling this through. My body doesn't feel like mine. I have these sensations that I'm not here. That I am a dream. That I will open my eyes and not exist. And it scares me. It's as if I'm losing a grip on my sense of reality.

I go through this often enough to know it's not a new concept. I don't know if it's part of my condition or what. I don't know if you spend days wiggin' out about your physical existence.

I've told a friend that I feel like I need to do something outlandish to prove to myself that I am alive. That I am corporeal. I told another friend that I have this urge to reinvent myself at this moment and that most of the roles I have in mind are illegal.

Perhaps I'm driftwood.

I can't explain the ghostly feel I have within me now other than to say that nothing feels real.

My arms and legs have been having epileptic fits during my sleep. I wake myself from their frantic movements. My legs have been running and kicking in my sleep. My arms flail about like they are conducting an orchestra. I don't know if these recent spastic challenges are dream induced. I haven't been sleeping well (nothing new) but the activity of my limbs have interrupted my restless sleeps. Perhaps I'm trying to prove I'm no Pinnochio to my unconscious.

I need an adrenalin rush. Endorphins. Something. I need my pleasure and pain receptors jolted. I need my heartbeat to pound through my body. I need to feel real.

Just because....I'd love to take a poll on gas prices around the states. It's averaging $1.96 here in Pensacola. Satisfy my curiousity if you don't mind. Leave me a comment.

Thanks to a casual friend I met through Steph at the cafe, Em and I got free tickets to see the newest Harry Potter movie on Friday. Let us say that we are very excited. Yes, we have all the books to date and the first two movies on VHS. Em at this moment is taking Harry Potter quizzes on the net.

We saw the first two movies the first day they opened so keeping up with tradition we are seeing The Prisoner of Azkaban on Friday at the first showing that the theatre that is less than a mile from our house. It's countdown week in our house.

So, good vibes to our friend for the great gift.

WOW!!! I love people. Such tremendous people in the world. Remember: don't underestimate the power of a simple gift. Something as small as a trinket from the dollar store or even a smile...or free movie passes...can literally mean the world to someone.

Let's see....It was Gay May here in Pcola this past weekend and I missed it again for the third year in a row of living here.. It's actually not called Gay May, just something I call it. Briefly....Memorial Weekend is a great weekend for the gay and lesbian community around the states. I don't know how well known it is but in the south it's quite popular. It brings in a large amount of money to the Pensacola area because we get a massive exodus here for the four day fest. Pensacola becomes THE homosexual Mecca. I think it's fabulous.

What is actually quite nauseating is the Pensacolans that grow a second head during the weekend. So many people here oppose the right for any homosexual person to come out of the closet BUT these same people don't mind selling their bottled waters for $6 a pop to the outed folk. Such hypocrits in this town. The bigoted, robbing citizens of this right-wing, conservative, gun-toting, confederate-loving community will be the first to stand up and tell you that if you hit the beaches during Gay May; then your children will fall victim to the gratuitious sickening debauchery of the orgiastic homosexuals....Uh. Yeah. Right. Like it's any safer to hit the beaches during spring break where under aged men and women are passed out from the keg they drank and you can smell the STDs they are carrying. GIVE ME A BREAK!!!! Public displays of affection are not confined to one community. AND why do people think that if you're gay, you're going about being a nympho in clear display of anything?! Homosexuals DO NOT corner the market on that. PUH-LEZ! And if you have such a conscious of exposing your "young-uns" to such "satanic acts", then don't charge the diva $25 for the cheeseburger and small fries. He could easily go to McD's and buy it for three bucks. Have an opinion and follow it through all the way to the close-minded end. Don't pick and choose when you are ok with it.

Sorry. Just had to get that off my chest. Why are people so hell bent on having an opinion on someone else's life?!

Moving on.....

We have hot water in the house again. Surprisingly....and I mean BIG SHOCK....Mrs. Devine paid my gas bill. It wasn't a cheap one either. Because of the hot water leak I had months ago that led to the major wall renovation in the spare bedroom, my gas bill shot up to $300. As the community around here now, Naomi has no money. NONE!!!! So the hot water was the first to go. No money. No bill paying. No gas. No hot water. My mother with no notice to me paid the bill.

I don't know what to do. At first I was very angry. Now I feel guilty. And of course, gratitude. I want to thank her but I don't want it to open any doors between her and me. Sounds cold of me, doesn't it?

You have to understand that my mother has used gifts in the past to control our relationship. She can't just give without reminding me of what a failure I am. She let it go for a while but the first time I do something that she doesn't like; she'll remind me that she had to save my ass...again. I don't doubt that anything she has given me or done for me was done out of concern and love. I don't doubt that she has good intentions in what she does. That has never been a question in my mind. BUT they become playing cards for her. Part of her arsenal. It's a sick game.

So....I don't know what to do. I want to say thank you but am absolutely terrified of what will happen if I make an effort to thank her.

AGGGH!

Hmmmm? What else?

Nothing. I haven't heard from CPS as of late. I wonder why. I'm not going to dwell on that because I like my avoidance way of handling that.

Have been up and down and all around with the moods. Less I say about that, the better.

Been having the erotic dreams. Quite erotic. Yummy.

Miss friends alot. So very much. Feel lost without my friends.

Lots of jobs I need to fax that resume to. I was worried about a call back number but Steph, today said I could use her cell number as a contact number. She is so great! That helps.

God, I can't wait until the day that I can give back to my friends even a smidge of what they have given me. I just adore you all. This last week has been better because of small things and great things my friends have done...thanks again, Alicia...

Oh, Sophie is NOT pregnant. THANK GOD FOR SMALL MIRACLES! I did not want to have to worry about kittens. Yay!

Hmmm? Not really much but I wanted to post a small update. I know I need to take advantage of my computer at home and write and save to disk more. I've a habit of off-the-cup writing.

I'm thinking of you. Hugs to you.

By the way...just have to mention a couple of things that I forgot after I posted this. WB Superstar: Funniest fucking show in a while. I admit that I am absolutely horrible laughing at these poor delusional people but they can't see me sitting in my living room so they'll never know. I know. I know. It's still not nice. To you, I say 'pfbbbt'.

Second, my daughter's feet are officially bigger than mine. My eight-soon to be nine in August-year-old daughter has bigger feet than me. Ladies and gentleman, I wear comfortably a 9 1/2 or 10. Again, my child's feet are bigger than mine. They are slightly wider and longer....but still. I need a job quickly. My Amazon princess needs new clothes and SHOES badly. My god.

Ok. That's all!

I am late with this because it's actually June 2 in Greece. BUT.......HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HRISTOS!!!!

I should have post dated this damn entry so that it would have been here for you when June 1 was still in your time zone. For that I apologize.

For one of my closest friend, I send you thoughts for fantastic years ahead. I am so proud to be your friend. I am so blessed to know you. I am happier with you in my life. I thank the fates that you and I found each other in this space and time.

You, my dear friend are a complement to my life. Thank you.

For the little Greek I know (very little), I am glad I learned the most important: Se agapo, Hristos. Se agapo.

Time and its fucking wings

Ok. I'm disgusted how time changes as we get older. When I was child a thirty minute program seemed to last longer than its half hour feel. A six hour car ride between Indianapolis and Sheboygan felt like an unbearable two-week trek through a barren wasteland. And a year between birthdays was an infinity of pain.

But now? Forget it. I can't believe a week has passed between Fridays. AND IT'S NEARLY MID-JUNE!!! How the hell has that happened?!

Birthdays are coming up like Emmaline's. Her birthday is only two months away. Her ninth birthday to be exact. Fuck! It's too fast.

Time is definitely not an accurate measure of a person's life.

Mirror, mirror on the wall.

I sat on my bed facing my mirror this morning. The sad thoughts overwhelmed my brain again. In my genetics I spied my mother tightening her lips. I saw the man who helped conceive me in the furrow of my brows. I saw bitterness and pain and an ageless stream of regret and forgotten hope. And I wanted to run even more than I already have.

I've always despised looking in a mirror. When I was younger, it was Bloody Mary and the unknown I feared. Then I started hating the reflection even more. I have this body-shaking phobia that the mirror will reflect what I truly am: a demon with selfish desires and ugly needs.

I try the exercise of complimenting myself whilst looking in the mirror but I look away quickly before my sinister reflection can come to life and laugh at me. I fear her lips will curl up before I hear my deep laugh resonating from the smooth surface. I squirm at the menacing thoughts of her eyes, my eyes, blinking in disbelief at my stiff compliments before squinting and focusing on me in mocked surprise. I envision my cold doppelganger's mouth cursing me. Her ridicule and harrassment biting my already damaged self-esteem like a bullwhip slicing into the porcelain skin of a sickly child. So, I walk away before the demon awakes. If I hold my icy glare, I punch myself with torturing words of hate to appease the wicked witch. Like a magic spell I hiss and growl at my gemini to keep her enslaved within the world of glass before she can destroy me any further.

For My Mind

Watched a couple of things yesterday that brought a smile to my face. It was the first night of Last Comic Standing on NBC. I'm a sucker for comedy. That kept my interest for two hours at which time I flipped to PBS and caught Cosmopolitan on [i]ndependent Lens. Absolutely loved this film. Being privy to the Indian culture added so much more texture to this film for me. Amazingly this short film was only an hour long but I didn't feel like anything was missing. Such a great film!

Started a book last night and finished it this morning. The Language of Good-bye. I'm still surprised that this book moved me so much. I cried several times. The language of this book is beautiful. I've had the book on my shelf for months having picked it up at a discount book store. My favorite character by far was Sungae (pronounced Soon-gee).

Finished another book yesterday: My Life Among the Serial Killers. For the most part, the book was interesting. The author is pretentious and conceited. Her writing style changes abruptly when she adds anecdotes of her life; and I find it made the whole book trite. I would have enjoyed the book more if I didn't have to read about her personal life and issues. Blah!

Oh! I found the CD I borrowed from the library. It was in my backpack. Not where I expected to find it. I don't recall putting it there. And I finally listened to it today. It sucked!

Oooooo, I'm a bitch today.

Doubled

I feel uglier than usual today.

Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood

When we got home from the library yesterday, we found a note regarding the bicycle taped to our carport door from our neighbor, Ms. Betty. We had spoken to her on Friday during our search for Em's bike. We thought perhaps this note indicated that she had seen the person who had stolen the bike.

Were we ever so wrong! Ms. Betty had spoken to the Willies (they are the Willies because her name is Willie Mae and his is Willy D) who live directly across the street from us about the bicycle. Mr. Willy found and purchased a bicycle very similar to Emma's at a yard sale. Em is more than excited and I'm so thankful for such a fantastic group of neighbors. Em is back in the saddle, so to speak thanks to them.

I had seen a small blurb on one of the newshows about people trying to get to know their neighbors again. I have to agree that during these last couple of decades we have gotten away from getting friendly with the people who live in our neighborhoods. I've been lucky that Emma and I have lived in some great places and haven't had to go without that connection.

Before moving to Pensacola, we lived in the student family housing at the university I attended. A part time job at the community building turned into the Assistant Apartment Manager, and I got to know everyone. Emma was part of a community of parents and children. I miss that community.

Living in the neighborhood that we do is a blessing also. I don't know everyone but the houses that surround my small white one is full of people who think of us.

Going back to that blurb...once a week during the warmer months, I believe that's how often, someone would host the neighborhood. He/she would make some simple beverage like lemonade or iced tea. Other neighbors would come over and would sit outside. It wouldn't have to be a formal invitation. Just sit outside with drink and perhaps disposable cups and serve anyone interested in a bit of refreshment. Introductions would be made and from there, conversations. Someone would host it the following week. Just a simple way to bring the neighborhood out and to build relationships.

I think we should try this especially if you don't know ANY of your neighbors. Doesn't seem to hard to manage, does it? Even if you just sit outside with lemonade and noone arrives, it wouldn't be too bad. A nice night out. But if you see someone out, you have to call to them over to have a drink. Don't be fearful. Don't be shy. You never know what wonderful people you would meet. They may just be the people to change your life in a positive way. They may be the people who bring a smile to you or your child's face.

Losing My Religion

I'd quote REM but don't wanna.

I'm trying to find a new religion to invest in. I feel very alone not communing with others about God or the creator or whatever the hell you want to use. I don't think there is a proper name for the deity.

Sooo, what religion am I?

Do I really subscribe to being a Christian? I'm not sure. When I was a child, I learned about Christ but I didn't pray to him or even really pay any true spiritual attention to him. I took all my cares and worries and prayers to the source, God. To this day, I spend more time talking to the top dog. I want to learn more about Jesus in a anthropological/archeological/historical manner. Learn more about him as a figure in history compared to a religious way. Not to lessen his meaning but to see him as a person. I'd like to see his role and its impact on men and how it changed religions....nothing about his miraculous incarnation. I want to see him strictly as a man of our history.

My beliefs. What religion do they resemble more? I believe in God's duality. I don't think that evil and good are separate forces. I believe that NOTHING exists on its own separate from God. God is truely omnipotent, omnipresent, and omniscient. If this is my belief; then what men has defined as the devil, Satan, evil can NOT rule side by side with God. It cannot have the same amount of power or influence and be separate from God. If so, then Christianity is not a monotheistic religion. It's polytheistic. I believe in only one God. The evil can only exist with God's permission. Correct? Only way I can see this being possible is having God control the good and the bad. If using the Bible as reference, Job supports this. The devil had to have permission from God to test Job. God allowed the ills that fell upon Job's house.

God's duality leads to questions like is the Trinity true? If God's good side is split into three personas, then wouldn't it be safe to assume that the evil side would have more than one incarnation? If not more than one, then God should at least be defined other than being the Trinity....there's the ever presence of bad.

This isn't saying that I condone wickedness or evil or ill-treatment of one another. I believe there is a balance. Many Asian religions incorporate this belief of balance. And it's not a matter of one side winning over the other. Any situation, trial, tribulation can be seen as a joyful blessing of God or temptation of the devil. Isn't it both? Isn't it then a testament of how man overcomes it all? A test of how he balances the nature of it all? Does he succumb to the negative energies or rise above them and survive?

Man's goal is to overcome the sinful nature of himself. I define sin as anything that separates us from God. We try to overcome the test of emotional, mental, and physical adversities to become one with this mysterious power we know as Creator. God is perfect and infinite...perfect and infinite balance, knowledge, and being...and our movements through life are to attain that perfect connection with him/her nd withing ourselves.

Another belief....ALL RELIGIONS ARE FALSE. Anything man-made is full of fallacies. I don't care if something was divinely inspired. The innerworkings of man will always...always....interpret the messages for his own benefit. All religions' roots are from a previous religion. They start the same way. Followers believe in all the tenets of a religion except for that one thing. Perhaps it was whether or not you can eat pork, wash your hair, worship idols, believe in divorce, etc...Someone disagreed with one or two things and developed a new sect, religion, denomination. So...religions are inherently false and created for the benefit of man's ease and pleasure....sort of makes you question why I want to find a religion, yes?

I believe that throughout the ages there have been men and women who have come close to that delicate relationship between God and us. We have/had prophets who achieved more wisdom and spiritual strength. I think these people span all the world religions which leads me back to wondering what role Christ plays in our lives?

Thousands of questions race about my head. I know I truely won't find one religion that ultimately describes my personal spirituality. I hate that I'm starting at square one with finding my religious place in the world. I'm not trying to start a whole new belief system. I think I'm just looking for a spiritual leader that could help guide me. Perhaps a guru that can help me synchronize all the thoughts and voices within me so that I can focus on building my own relationship with God. I need someone worldly and wise that listens to her/his own quiet whisperings and doesn't want me to worship at any man's religious altar. A teacher that raises questions and perhaps answers others. I need to be someone's Grasshopper.

Yesterday's mad recap

Yesterday was a day of bittersweetness. Saw a couple of movies..more on that in a moment.

My darling Pie had her bicycle stolen. I'm absolutely livid about the whole matter. Em and I had made a run to the store to get snacks for the movie. When we returned (according to Emma), the bicycle was still on the carport. Em said she had to actually go around it to get to the house. I don't recall if it was or not. You know how we get at times. We take things for granted and pay no mind to everyday objects. About an hour later, Em wanted to go for a bike ride. THAT'S when we noticed the disappearance of her bike.

STUPID ASS PERSON STOLE THE BIKE WHEN WE WERE IN THE HOUSE!!!!

Pisses me off! Em has been cursing in her own little 8 year old way. Nothing profane like her role model of a mother. Just bad curses and karma for the poor sod. She'll spit out her venomous remarks and then make an apology for wishing ill. I tell her it's ok to get it out.

Don't worry. I'm not letting her get away with thinking the worse for someone. We talked about all the possible reasons someone would steal her bicycle. Perhaps a child in worse economic condition than us and that has no toys or fun, wanted something to bring happiness to his/her life. Perhaps a child who unknowingly wants attention to parents who give him/her none....and so on.

I'm trying to help her make peace with the whole thing. Amazingly her scenarios of what happened are more optimistic and hilarious than mine. Everything from the storm the other night rolling it down the street where an unknowing  passerby picks up the abandoned bicycle to a child just having a joyride and will bring it back.

I'm angry. I'll get her another bike eventually but it will be some time from now. The meaning behind that bicycle is a looooong story and I just don't want to get into it. I'm just pissed.

ACK!

Reluctantly moving on.....after we discovered the bike was missing, we drove around a bit to look for it. I know. No luck. We headed to the movies after our search.

Was early to say the least. Harry Potter was good. Some things about the movie I'm quite disappointed in. For the fans of the book, this one had more holes in the story than the previous two. If you don't know the tale, then the movie is fine. I liked the artistic, slightly macabre look of the film. Looked darker and that was a plus. Still. Holes.

Now here is where I was bad....With a couple of slick moves, Em and I snuck into another theater and saw The Day After Tomorrow. My child was jazzed that we did it.

Question to all of you: Is all stealing bad? Do you forgive one incident of thievery if it were for a good cause or against thieves themselves compared to judging a thief who steals a bicycle from a child? What sins should be forgiven even if they are sins the same? Do you forgive Jean Valjean in Les Miserables for stealing from a bakery to feed his nephews/nieces who are starving? Is it as bad the Enron folks who stole millions from their investors and employees?

By the way....I loved every minute spent watching that stolen movie.

IT'S DON WOOD!

Ok. I am absolutely pissing in my pants. My heart is all aflutter. I was checking my stats to see who has been here, and I find someone did a search for Don Wood (Colonial House guy that I'm drooling over as of late) using the local newpaper's online service. So I head to the paper's site and find out that Don Wood now has a site up and running.
Um? Yum!

I know. I'm a big ol' nerd. Annnnd? Are you really telling me something new?! By the way....I'm now a blurb in the Pensacola news because of my schoolgirl crush. Lord! Again, I'm a goof.

Note

Tomorrow is Harry Potter day. Em is excited...and yes, I am too.

Been fighting off migraines this week. I've run out of Excedrine Migraine which had become my salvation. No more of it so I've been downing Motrin, Tylenol, and Lortabs. They've been keeping the pain to a dull pain in the forehead with a little queasiness in the gut. Eck!

Starving for ethnic food. Seriously need to gorge myself on the following: sushi and nigiri, yakisoba, miso soup, fajitas, guacomole, salsa and chips, refried beans, sopapilla, mixed chinese vegetables, dim sum, shao pao, diniguan, and a cornucopia of other ethinic delights.

Needing sex.

I've misplaced a CD I borrowed from the library. Not too happy about that. I know where I put it but it's not there.

Wanting to color my hair. Superflous want, I know. But it is something on my mind.

I've been thinking of doing something odd but don't want to talk about it because it's absolutely silly.

Want to get a piercing in that space below my bottom lip. I think that's one of the sexiest piercings. Actually, thinking of a lot of different piercings. Want another tattoo...at least one.

Hmmmm? What else? I miss my grandparents. I miss having a relationship with them.

These are just things on my mind. Ramblings. I'll stop at the few. If we delve into some of my other ramblings, I may just scare a few of you.

Missing folks.

Borrowed

Answer the following questions in the comment box:
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from electric bugaloo

Dali ain't got nuthin on me, baby!

I am the Venus in a Surrealist's painting. Maybe Venus is too kind. Perhaps an ant.

I'm having doubts that I actually exist. Seems sort of like a metaphysical quest I'm going through, doesn't it? Or perhaps I'm just crazy. But it's not just a matter of mind feeling this through. My body doesn't feel like mine. I have these sensations that I'm not here. That I am a dream. That I will open my eyes and not exist. And it scares me. It's as if I'm losing a grip on my sense of reality.

I go through this often enough to know it's not a new concept. I don't know if it's part of my condition or what. I don't know if you spend days wiggin' out about your physical existence.

I've told a friend that I feel like I need to do something outlandish to prove to myself that I am alive. That I am corporeal. I told another friend that I have this urge to reinvent myself at this moment and that most of the roles I have in mind are illegal.

Perhaps I'm driftwood.

I can't explain the ghostly feel I have within me now other than to say that nothing feels real.

My arms and legs have been having epileptic fits during my sleep. I wake myself from their frantic movements. My legs have been running and kicking in my sleep. My arms flail about like they are conducting an orchestra. I don't know if these recent spastic challenges are dream induced. I haven't been sleeping well (nothing new) but the activity of my limbs have interrupted my restless sleeps. Perhaps I'm trying to prove I'm no Pinnochio to my unconscious.

I need an adrenalin rush. Endorphins. Something. I need my pleasure and pain receptors jolted. I need my heartbeat to pound through my body. I need to feel real.

Per Gallon

Just because....I'd love to take a poll on gas prices around the states. It's averaging $1.96 here in Pensacola. Satisfy my curiousity if you don't mind. Leave me a comment.

a week's worth of going-ons

Thanks to a casual friend I met through Steph at the cafe, Em and I got free tickets to see the newest Harry Potter movie on Friday. Let us say that we are very excited. Yes, we have all the books to date and the first two movies on VHS. Em at this moment is taking Harry Potter quizzes on the net.

We saw the first two movies the first day they opened so keeping up with tradition we are seeing The Prisoner of Azkaban on Friday at the first showing that the theatre that is less than a mile from our house. It's countdown week in our house.

So, good vibes to our friend for the great gift.

WOW!!! I love people. Such tremendous people in the world. Remember: don't underestimate the power of a simple gift. Something as small as a trinket from the dollar store or even a smile...or free movie passes...can literally mean the world to someone.

Let's see....It was Gay May here in Pcola this past weekend and I missed it again for the third year in a row of living here.. It's actually not called Gay May, just something I call it. Briefly....Memorial Weekend is a great weekend for the gay and lesbian community around the states. I don't know how well known it is but in the south it's quite popular. It brings in a large amount of money to the Pensacola area because we get a massive exodus here for the four day fest. Pensacola becomes THE homosexual Mecca. I think it's fabulous.

What is actually quite nauseating is the Pensacolans that grow a second head during the weekend. So many people here oppose the right for any homosexual person to come out of the closet BUT these same people don't mind selling their bottled waters for $6 a pop to the outed folk. Such hypocrits in this town. The bigoted, robbing citizens of this right-wing, conservative, gun-toting, confederate-loving community will be the first to stand up and tell you that if you hit the beaches during Gay May; then your children will fall victim to the gratuitious sickening debauchery of the orgiastic homosexuals....Uh. Yeah. Right. Like it's any safer to hit the beaches during spring break where under aged men and women are passed out from the keg they drank and you can smell the STDs they are carrying. GIVE ME A BREAK!!!! Public displays of affection are not confined to one community. AND why do people think that if you're gay, you're going about being a nympho in clear display of anything?! Homosexuals DO NOT corner the market on that. PUH-LEZ! And if you have such a conscious of exposing your "young-uns" to such "satanic acts", then don't charge the diva $25 for the cheeseburger and small fries. He could easily go to McD's and buy it for three bucks. Have an opinion and follow it through all the way to the close-minded end. Don't pick and choose when you are ok with it.

Sorry. Just had to get that off my chest. Why are people so hell bent on having an opinion on someone else's life?!

Moving on.....

We have hot water in the house again. Surprisingly....and I mean BIG SHOCK....Mrs. Devine paid my gas bill. It wasn't a cheap one either. Because of the hot water leak I had months ago that led to the major wall renovation in the spare bedroom, my gas bill shot up to $300. As the community around here now, Naomi has no money. NONE!!!! So the hot water was the first to go. No money. No bill paying. No gas. No hot water. My mother with no notice to me paid the bill.

I don't know what to do. At first I was very angry. Now I feel guilty. And of course, gratitude. I want to thank her but I don't want it to open any doors between her and me. Sounds cold of me, doesn't it?

You have to understand that my mother has used gifts in the past to control our relationship. She can't just give without reminding me of what a failure I am. She let it go for a while but the first time I do something that she doesn't like; she'll remind me that she had to save my ass...again. I don't doubt that anything she has given me or done for me was done out of concern and love. I don't doubt that she has good intentions in what she does. That has never been a question in my mind. BUT they become playing cards for her. Part of her arsenal. It's a sick game.

So....I don't know what to do. I want to say thank you but am absolutely terrified of what will happen if I make an effort to thank her.

AGGGH!

Hmmmm? What else?

Nothing. I haven't heard from CPS as of late. I wonder why. I'm not going to dwell on that because I like my avoidance way of handling that.

Have been up and down and all around with the moods. Less I say about that, the better.

Been having the erotic dreams. Quite erotic. Yummy.

Miss friends alot. So very much. Feel lost without my friends.

Lots of jobs I need to fax that resume to. I was worried about a call back number but Steph, today said I could use her cell number as a contact number. She is so great! That helps.

God, I can't wait until the day that I can give back to my friends even a smidge of what they have given me. I just adore you all. This last week has been better because of small things and great things my friends have done...thanks again, Alicia...

Oh, Sophie is NOT pregnant. THANK GOD FOR SMALL MIRACLES! I did not want to have to worry about kittens. Yay!

Hmmm? Not really much but I wanted to post a small update. I know I need to take advantage of my computer at home and write and save to disk more. I've a habit of off-the-cup writing.

I'm thinking of you. Hugs to you.

By the way...just have to mention a couple of things that I forgot after I posted this. WB Superstar: Funniest fucking show in a while. I admit that I am absolutely horrible laughing at these poor delusional people but they can't see me sitting in my living room so they'll never know. I know. I know. It's still not nice. To you, I say 'pfbbbt'.

Second, my daughter's feet are officially bigger than mine. My eight-soon to be nine in August-year-old daughter has bigger feet than me. Ladies and gentleman, I wear comfortably a 9 1/2 or 10. Again, my child's feet are bigger than mine. They are slightly wider and longer....but still. I need a job quickly. My Amazon princess needs new clothes and SHOES badly. My god.

Ok. That's all!

Se agapo, Hristos

I am late with this because it's actually June 2 in Greece. BUT.......HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HRISTOS!!!!

I should have post dated this damn entry so that it would have been here for you when June 1 was still in your time zone. For that I apologize.

For one of my closest friend, I send you thoughts for fantastic years ahead. I am so proud to be your friend. I am so blessed to know you. I am happier with you in my life. I thank the fates that you and I found each other in this space and time.

You, my dear friend are a complement to my life. Thank you.

For the little Greek I know (very little), I am glad I learned the most important: Se agapo, Hristos. Se agapo.