Light and Darkness

Down The Toilet

The water bill is paid. I'm ashamed of how the money was acquired so I won't speak of it. I'll let all of you let your minds wander. It will make for interesting conversation. Care to make an elaborate guess? We'll use the best one for my answer....But in the end, we can now use the facilities in our home.

My sister and nephews are visiting this weekend. I am both looking forward to it and dreading it with all my self.

I have seriously been thinking of what I'm going to do in the next month...not that all the other thoughts in my head about the fate of my future haven't been serious. Mainly the thoughts have been about moving. Selling the contents of my home, packing up my child, and moving to some new location and starting over. Just picking a place on the global map and heading there.

I don't want to move at the moment. I would like for Emmaline to finish elementary school at her current one. I also don't want to move because I feel like I failed here. I want a relocation to occur because of a GOOD change in our lives. I'm experiencing this "running with tail between the legs" sensation. Eh!

Want to know something weird? THIS IS THE WEIRDEST THOUGHT ROLLING AROUND IN MY HEAD CURRENTLY. I am a registered voter. I have voted in elections since I was first registered at eighteen. But this year I'm afraid to go to the polls. It's laughable. It has nothing to do with the candidates or such. It's embarrassing why.

Thought: Convenient friends. Can't stand them. Don't you wish that we could do a Hester Pryne on them? Sew some scarlet letter into their clothes declaring them unfit as a friend? Hell, brand their foreheads. Warn the others. Liars too....brand their tongues...ooo, and self-righteous, ostentatious bigots. Put a big ol' SOB on their close minded third eye. Ok, I'm getting a bit puritanically barbaric. I'll stop.

Flowing through another topic....I've been in the mood to steal. Believe it or not, I get that way. I don't. I wouldn't. BUT I sure as hell want to. It's an itch that is screaming.

...

We have just been given the town crier note that the library's computer lab is closing in five minutes. Gotta go.

Thought

Ever feel like a leper?

Over by Portishead

I can’t hold this day
Anymore
Understand me
Anymore

To tread this fantasy, openly
What have I done

Ooh this uncertainty, is taking me over

I can’t mould this stage
Anymore
Recognise me
Anymore

To tread this fantasy, openly
What have I done

Ooh this uncertainty, is taking me over
Is taking me over

To tread this fantasy, openly
What have I done

Ooh this uncertainty, is taking me over
Is taking me over
Is taking me over

Summary

I think I've mentioned that I laugh at the most inappropriate times....at times. Today is a day so very much inappropriate.

My water got turned off today. No water. None to drink. None to do dishes. None for laundry. AND most definitely, none for flushing the toilet.

....ooooo, the added concern is that I have a thirty day time limit to get my ass together or Mrs. Devine is selling the house. There is quite a bit more to the conversation than her coming over and stating the above but that's the sum of it.

Horrible thing is that I find all this EXTREMELY funny. I'm just laughing my ass off.

Geez, I am just not doing too good with this life of mine. Eck!

Elsewhere in the Naomisphere...my daughter's birthday is fast approaching. My child will be nine years old on August 7th. If you have a moment or two, she would absolutely adore a comment on her blog or to her email (emmalineags@yahoo.com) for her birthday. She's feeling a little low about things considering our current situation. So, a hello on her birthday would be fabulous.

This morning was a Fred day. About five this morning, I was thrown into a memory about Fred. The air smelled off him. The sounds called out in a very Fred like way. The light of the sun rising was painfully similar.

When he and I first started "dating", we kept odd hours. He had just started working at FedEx...overnight shift. He would call me before heading off to work to let me know he would stop by on his way home. Quite a few late night/early morning dates.

Today I remembered that I miss him.....c'est la vie.

Actually I miss quite a few people.
I miss dinners, Wonders exhibits, and goofy accents with Carrie.
I miss long letters with poems and song lyrics from Hristos.
I miss daily IMing with Ali.
I miss story hour and long good-byes with Brian.
I miss the sound of 'hello' and 'hmmm' with Murray.
I miss playing catch with India.
I miss practical jokes when we should have been working with Jennifer and Kara.
I miss . . .

Eck!!! I am an idiot.

blah...blah...blah...

I had quite an eloquent post for today stirring in my lobes on the drive here. Now, this is all mush. I think I'm just going to end.

Incidentally, does any one want to buy a used life? There's a few miles on it but there's been quite a bit of wisdom accumulated by it. In other circumstances, there would be an enormous price tag on it but at the moment the going price is the cost of reconnection of the water and sewage at an insane abode.

Hope you are all doing well.

Beware of False Prophets

Ok. I admit that I watch a few things that are rather strange. I LOVE shopping television.

Informercials and shopping conglomerates like QVC and HSN are the best form of entertainment. My brother agrees. We can go hours on the stuff. I mean...they make it look so affordable with their payment plans and price reductions. AND the product will surely change my world. LOVE THEM!!!

I also watch the Christian channels namely the televangelists. There are two stations here in Pcola without having to purchase cable. There is the Trinity Broadcast Network (TBN) and the Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN).

Not all the ministers on these are bad. Without sarcasm, I truly like Bishop TD Jakes to whom I first heard of living in the homeless shelter. He's a charismatic man that genuinely seems down to earth and empathetic. I have a certain fondness for Paula White.

But everyone else...forget it. I haven't seen anyone else that I like.

I think what really drives me to watch most of these people is the desire to get angry at someone. I am amazed at the amount of money that these people acquire for their interpretation of God's being. And I get so enraged that these people want to save me but in order for me to hear those divine messages I have to pay $20 or so for a VHS copy or tape of their sermons.

NONE of the televangelists are free from charging money for God's word.

And sitting on gold gilded sets. And laying of hands. And prophecies. And strict right wing conservacy. And the judging of others' lives.

The hypocrisy of it all slays me.

How many of them would give up their gold and silver to truly serve God? Give away all their comforts to get their hands dirty and work with the untouchables of society? Be like St. Francis of Assisi?

Betcha none.

In the bag....

Ali is asking What's In UR Back Pocket?

Hon, remember....you asked me.

Because I carry too many things, I generally don't carry around a purse. I carry around a backpack. Good indication that I need to lighten my load. AND...you actually caught me on a good day. I cleaned out the bag just today, removing items that I really don't need at the moment (in all honesty, I cleaned it out so I can bring more things home from the library. Yes, I know I need help).

black portfolio with two yellow legal pads for scribblings, printed copies of some of my poetry, and such
folder with resume disk, several copies of resume, work history, and other employment related items like applications
black organizer/day planner with all my phone numbers
my leather journal with postcards, pictures, and other important bits stuffed within
five pens including my silver pen holder
watercolor pencils
color oil pastels
pouch of color pencils
pouch of black charcoals
pouch of miscellaneous art supplies
Game boy Advance with Sapphire Pokemon game (currently holding for the kid)
blank diskette in a plastic holder
napkin with twelve wisteria seeds
small black wallet (like a man's billfold) containing driver's license, a worthless bank card, four medical cards, bank id card, voter's registration card, two library cards, AAA card, EBT card, Sam's card, Booksamillion card, Barnes and Nobles card, and Walden books card
small bottle of Lubriderm
small bottle of Clinique moisturizing lotion

...and this is after cleaning.

Whatcha' carryin?

Tirade

I AM ABSOLUTELY FUCKIN PISSED OFF!

There are peckerheads about that need a punch to the fucking nose!

How?! I mean how the hell are you suppose to get your thoughts across when you have people that are acting contrary to what helps a dialogue occur?!

GOD-FUCKING-DAMNIT

Poetry in motion

I've decided to enter a couple of poetry contests. Nothing too soon though because there are entrance fees for the contests. I've been reading some pieces that are published, and...hold on a sec. This is going to kill you...I have to toot my own horn. I'm always rather proud of my poetry even the craptastic ones. But reading some of the modern sludge out there that has been published? Wow! I'm actually excited that my pieces aren't bad.

I can't believe I actually believe in myself in such a huge way for such a little thing.

So...anyways. I'm going to try. There is one contest with a deadline of January first so I've got plenty of time to get my ass in gear to get a job and put money aside for fees.

Am I overstepping my limitations here?

Today has somewhat jump-started me again. I get mini jumps (that sounds a bit perverted, doesn't it?!) every so often. But I feel happy today.

Talked to a friend today. Heather, who I met through Steph today is taking courses in massage therapy. She is months away from finishing. YAY! for Heather. As an assignment she has to do thirty massages on thirty different people. I was going to volunteer weeks ago but never got in touch with her. Saw her today and will be having a full body massage next week. YIPPEE!!!!!

We had a great chat on different aspects of mysticism and such. Man, I love talking to people. I've always enjoyed talking to Heather. Such a great person.

Hmmmm? Checking out a few foreign language films today. Other than Amelie I haven't watched a foreign film in ages. I love them. Those and indies and artsy fartsy type films. Food for the soul.

I've got a surge of energy reeling through me. It's been building for days. Thinking through shit that's covering my synapses. It's time for a change. I've got to lance this emotional blackhole that has become my second skin.

People, you don't know how seriously close I am to just dying. Not stating that I'm going to off my self. But I believe that the emotional trappings of our life can kill us. Our bodies give out when the soul is being smothered by unhappiness, tragedy, and all that rot. I'm almost there. It's scary.

Annnnnyways......how are you?

Preguntas

Know when you get hooked into someone's life and you have this need to know more? Perhaps feel like you're just on the edge of knowing them, and you think that perhaps you would have an electric conversation that lasts well into the night if only given the chance? Feel separated by distance, time, and other demands from someone who you know would be an awesome person in your close circle of friends? Want to just get some of those questions in...that are bugging you?

Anything you ever wanted to ask me?

Naomi's list gets longer.

Actually I replace names. I take some off that completely annoy the hell out of me and replace it with others. And there are some on the list that have been there for a while but I just haven't gotten around to publicly drooling on them yet.

I was reminded of one such beautiful men. Colin Firth. My freakin' god! Ok, I admit. I have a thing for men from abroad. Carrie will attest to my complete idiocy in college for men of the Greco-Italian, Meditarranean persuasion. But I've always swooned over a nice Brit sounding gent.

ANYWAYS....Colin Firth. Watched Bridget Jones' Diary last night (again this morning just so I can look at him) and was reminded why I just think he is fabulous.

Good God! Can I have something like him?

...I'd settle for any of the other guys on my list.

In The Mailbox

Days like today that I wish I had a friend that is an attorney.

I believe it's been three years ago last month that I registered with Florida's Child Support Enforcement Agency. I knew it would really be a wild, exhausting and unprofitable ride trying to make Jon financially responsible for Emmaline. And if I had the choice, I would go through a private attorney for this case.

Having no money restricts one as we all know so it was Florida's CSE that would have to help me with the case. It in turn would have to take the case to California. It should be no surprise then that it has taken three years to get anywhere with this.

We checked the mail leaving for the library today. A thick envelope with Department of Revenue in the upper left corner caught my eye. First, I thought I was in some serious financial trouble. Then I saw the second line which took my breath away. It was from CSE. Inside I found a copy of a three page court document from California dated February 1, 2004.

Understand that I don't have a law degree. I'm rather intelligent and can read. So...unless I misunderstand all the words I can pronounce, Jon is ordered to pay an amount of $223.00 each month. I don't quite understand everything. The money doesn't come directly to me though for Emma. He's ordered to pay it to the California courts.

This was February. And as evidence, I have just received it.

I am not a fan of our social systems. I think they are needed but need serious reform. Too many people including me are out there struggling to survive on very little income. BUT our social systems suck. Too many programs being killed. Too little funding. And too much beaucratic bullshitting red tape.

Even if Jon is paying, which I seriously doubt, I don't think I'll see any of it. When I first registered with CSE, the representative explained that any monies paid by Jon would go directly to Florida's CSE program if I am receiving any financial benefits from the state. Even if the amount that he paid exceeded any welfare amount that I received, I would not get the money. For the record, I've received no cash benefits from this state. I've only received food stamp help. And I was also told that this case really isn't my case but the state's case against Jon. I am only made aware of anything if I call and ask CSE for information.

To me there is too much room for things to occur.

Again, I don't think Jon is paying. And I wish I could afford an attorney to help me with this for direct access to any funds Emmaline is legally allowed from her irresponsible, self-absorbed progenitor. In all honesty, I wish I could just do without him.

Mentally clouded

I haven't taken my medication in months. I actually don't remember how long it has been. The use of my antidepressant seems so pointless without a mood stabilizer. AND I can't see my psychiatrist without paying my balance.

I really need my meds.

My mother stopped by yesterday. She has been making these impromptu visits every couple of weeks. I don't like them. It takes a couple of days to recover from her short time in my driveway.

Sometimes...some times...I think I'm in love.

Then I smack myself in the head and I know better.

I think I seriously need to be hospitalized. But there is no way to do it.

The nightmares have been excruciating the last few nights. I've been waking myself with my horrific sobbing only to fall asleep directly in the same dream scene.

Ok....I'm one to say that I don't need someone to save me. But I've been lying. I do. I do. I need someone to save me.

Letting the beast out

I'm trying to rejuvinate my more social side. Do not take this as saying I'm going out. No money for that and this is a slow process for me. Going to try and write friends more and keep in touch with them about life. Emails and that such.

Also...been thinking. This is absolutely strange and probably very indulgent but I've thought about having some sort of advice column. Don't know how to go about and get that started. Probably another blog here under my typepad account. Just to get it up and going. Get my writing skills accustomed to that genre. And to get samples. Then maybe print of sorts. Or solicit my stuff to some media outlet. Watcha' think? Seriously, I'd like some input. Is it an idiotic idea? I don't want to be like Dear Abby or Abigail (god, I hated those women) but something with my own flair.

Thoughts?

Guesses?

Anyone guess where this was used as the theme song?

If what doesn't kill us is making us stronger,
Were gonna last longer,
Than the greatest wall in China,
Or that rabbit with the drum

If there's one thing that I learned,
While waiting for my turn,
Is that in each life some rain falls,
But you also get some sun,

And we'll make out better than ok,
Hear what I say?
Yeah, any day

by John Popper of Blues Traveler

Still makes me cry

Borrowed a few movies from the library last night. One was Edward Scissorhands because my pie hadn't seen it yet. I love introducing new things to Emmaline. I think people forget that there are things in this world that we take for granted every day that are absolutely new for our children. Something old and mundane can strike a child in such a way that one would think that the child just witnessed the creation of the earth.

Now, I love Edward Scissorhands. Always have. But it's one of the saddest, most horrible movies. There is no happily ever after. Beautiful film. I love it. But really think about what the movie is about: superficial people who jump on the proverbial bandwagon because of the "it" factor only to discard it when it doesn't cater to their superflous, malign lifestyle. Edward ends up where he started, hidden in the mansion. Only he's lonelier because he met people, loved people, and lost people. And under the premise of protecting him from the world and to save him from changing into the grotesque masses below him.

He's alone. He still has scissors for hands. The girl he loves didn't have the courage to defy the lemmings. What did he get?

I like the movie because I loved the main character. I want to embrace him every time and make his life better. BUT IT PISSES ME OFF!!! I cry every friggin time at the outcome.

One Month

Em's birthday is next month. One month from tomorrow. I wish I could give her a grand birthday party. As it is, she'll probably only get something from my sister.

This is why I think I'm the crappiest mother in the world and why I am SO FRIGGIN CONSUMED with money. I think I'd be ok if it were just me. No money would be do-able. But Emmaline? Poor thing. As is I don't know what I'm going to do about school clothes. Birthday? Totally screwed.

Ack! Freakin unemployed shit of a mother.

Fuck!

Three cheers for Pepsi

I am NOT...let me repeat in bold letters NOT...marketing Pepsi here. I mention it by its name here for the only purpose of expressing happiness for today's events and I think it's moronic to try and hide a brand's name just because you're posting it in a blog. Do you really talk that way?! In the real world among friends and arch nemesisessss or nemesi or whatever the hell you call your enemies, do you make anagrams of brands, spell them backwards, replace them with rhyming words so that you avoid saying it, or include an asterick or two. "Three cheers for Ispep!" "I just love P-E-*-S-*!"

Anyways...the local discount movie theater is running a special. Silver Screen, where movies are generally one to three dollars depending on the time of day, has free movie Tuesday this summer. Three Pepsi brand caps gets you one free admission. So, Em and I hit the cinema today to catch a flick. Running all summer long. Smuggled (shh! don't tell management) drinks and candy in.

Heading there next week....wanna come?!

Don't make any sudden movements!

I pull away from people. There. You know now.

I have a plethora of fears and anxieties that accompany me everyday. Top of my list is this abyssmal fear of rejection. Of relying on others. Trusting the web of support they provide. Relaxing in the arms and words and love of people outside of me (note: Naomi does not have multiples...except for on Wednesdays and mid-Saturday mornings...oh, and on the fifth of odd numbered months).

To love anyone takes this trust I don't have in me or at least am not aware I have. And it's the most painful thing in the world. To love others so completely. To enjoy them as these beautiful beings and then to want them to reciprocate. They say they love me. They say they support me. Many of you have told me.

And I don't think you are lying. Consciously I don't think you are. Logically I don't think you are. In my soul, I don't believe you.

I fear the pain of losing you. I fear that you will walk away or hurt me physically or emotionally if you knew the blackness in my mind. The lack of courage in my limbs. The absence of perservance and motivation and optimism in my heart. I think that you will see into me and suddenly hate me.

Let me rethink that....I don't think it's that I don't believe you. I think it's that you will suddenly change your mind. You will love me until....

Until it gets too hard.
Until I make you mad.
Until I say the wrong thing.
Until my emotions become overwhelming.
Until the mistakes come.
Until I need you too much.
Until you realize that you have to save yourself from me.
Until you know that there is nothing you can do but you need to go because you need to breathe.

I don't know how to trust. I'm miserably unhappy and lonely because of it. Even though the friendships I have are close. I'm not false in them. I still am fearful of everyone I have in my life. I don't ask for help. And I need it. I need help even just getting my house clean or getting out of bed before 2:30 p.m. It's suffocating.

Here

Emotions are getting the better of me and the inaccessibility to any of the support people is killing me. Usually when things get this far, I try and reach out. I stop myself from covering my soul in the muck and just swallowing in the dark murky waters that can drown me. But now...it's getting dangerous again.

On the positive side of life, CPS closed its case a couple of weeks ago. I received a letter that there are no indicators that I'm neglecting or abusing my child.

I'm just a big ol' bowl of irony, aren't I?