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Fernando Pessoa

  • "Because I'm the size of what I see and not the size of my stature."

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31 August 2004


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I have a theory. It's just a theory. I think God doesn't really care. I think things happen because they happen. No rhyme or reason. I believe there is a higher being but I don't think he sits "up" there and dictates our life. I don't think he causes illness. There's too much science to negate that theory.


Well I'll take those fingers and say don't judge! I am optimistic...I do believe in God..not fantaically (sp?) but I do understand the anger and the fucken pain. If I wasnt optimistic I would have put a fucken shot gun my mouth a long time ago and blown the back of my brains out, but there is always something stopping me from doing that. What ever it is it's there. Nae!! SCREAM!! FUCK GOD!!! You have every right.....the anger that is in your soul and all our souls is so Fucken strong.....The pain the hatred....but damit!!!! If I didnt believe in something more than just bills, hateful people, fucken jobs that are full of ass kissing pansys, people who only think of them selves....If I didnt meet great individuals as urself...I think I would have killed myself a long time ago.

I hate people...but there are those handful of folks that make me change my mind and I guess life isnt too bad. Yeah I dont have enough money to pay my student loan might default...Take take take..take...take...and than their are those who give and that to me surprises me when I meet individuals like that.

than u die and thats when I will miss the special people in my life like you.

Love Ya Chicky!!!


Where's God?

You got me on that one. I think he has had me on "mute" or "ignore" for years now.

Faith? What's that and where can I find some? Perhaps a Blue Light Special at the local KMart?

I stand beside you middle fingers raised to those who think you can just will yourself to change your life. How many of them have ever battled a mental illness or anything even more difficult than a bad hair day?

I can't come to Pensecola. But I can offer a listening ear, a shoulder to lean on, gentle encouragement, hearty f*** you's to anyone you wish to send them to.

Strong? Who's strong? We all just do the best we can to get through each day with what is left of our sanity intact. If one more person telle me how strong I am- I'm going to rip them a new asshole with a chainsaw. Wanna borrow it when I am done?

I wish I knew what to say.. I'm rambling.. I know.. I just want you to know that over here in Utah, there's someone who cares.

Be gentle with yourself Naomi...


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