Deserving

I wish I were of all the goodness from the people in my life. I am so bloody conditioned to focus on the blahness of my life that I piss on the beauty of those willing to stick with me. I know I've told a few of you that I unintentionally but purposefully push at you. Trying to get as far away as I can from what you offer. Fear. Frustration.

Angrily, my mother told me a couple of years ago, when I first moved to Pensacola, that I didn't need friends or anyone else....I had her she said. That's all I needed. It's something she ingrained in me. And unfortunately I'm stuck on an island far more sinister than Dr. Moreau, isolated from people that do care about me.

"Leave," you say. You shout.

I don't know how.

I've been reading Life of Pi. The main character discusses something quite poignant near the beginning. He talks about the humaneness of zoos and the character of animals. He states that animals are afraid of the unknown. The cages on display aren't seen as something wicked to them. They grow accustomed to the dimensions of their homes and the predictability of their lives. If cages are left open or if an animal manages to escape, Pi says, the captives return to their homes and the familiarity of their pens.

I'm afraid to love you. I do. There is no doubt that I do. And I cringe at the thought of losing your love or your favor. I love you but am afraid. It's a terror that comes in the form of dreams at night. It's a phobia that builds intensity when I'm alone. And I react. I'm deathly afraid of being alone without you.

Your fingerprints are on my heart but I'm afraid you'll find a reason to not love me anymore. What would I do to finally make you take it all back? It's an unknown. And I'm scared to risk it.

So...I push away. I push away before I can cause you harm which would ultimately lead you away from me. It just seems the easiest way to deal with things. I am undeserving of what you give me. I've been mean to your attempts to reach out and love me. And I am sorry.

Comments

[Sami]

Girl, come on. That's the bullshit you learned from your mother (and I learned from my grandmother and sometimes my dad). Real friends don't need payback. Real friends and people who care about you don't keep score. We just want to help each other. You've helped me out in the past, in the way you respond to things I say online, words of encouragement or messages that provided me with much needed strength. I want to help you in that way, and others, too. But as you said here, you're pushing people away.

There is no price for anything between you and me. There never will be. Friendship is about give and take, yes, but not in a tangible sense. Friends take turns helping out each other when one needs it. Right now it's your turn. It's not a matter of owing though.

What are you planning to do now? Are you staying in FL or are you considering moving? Is your sister's place an option? Or do you think you can handle staying where you are? I want to know what's going on in your life and how I can fit in to help. Talk it out with me. Maybe I can help you come up with a plan of action.

*hugs*

[Naomi]

Sami,

I really don't think anyone can help me. You know the saying. I WANT the help but feel quite undeserving of it. ALso feel like a failure that I ask for help and then get the help. SO many people have helped me and I feel like I owe them. Not out of a sense of obligation but because I want to give to others so very much and I have no means to do it, financially or emotionally. And honestly...I do feel that if I don't give back, it will piss the people off that helped me in the first place.

I learned that nothing comes without a price.

[Sami]

Nae, I want to write here, but I don't know what to say. I'm a little afraid of saying anything, for that matter, for fear it is the wrong thing. I still hold you very close to my heart, but I don't know how to help you or even if I'm supposed to help you. I'm still here though.
*hugs*