Light and Darkness

Ivan part II

Ok...I was a bit over zealous with the time checks. When you have no electricity and no sleep, you become a little too mindful of how slowly life creeps along. Quirky thing is...despite keeping track of the time, I still am at a lost of the date. I have to continuously count from the seventeenth or look at a calendar. Ivan has interrupted my internal Gregorian calendar. I am so happy that I'll be able to start at day one soon...woo hoo, October!

September 16, 12:50 am
Tried napping a little. Am tired but quite awake now. Checked out the house and found water streaming in Em’s room from the ceiling vent. I don’t know if this means part of the roof is gone or if there is shoddy work up there.

Ivan has made landfall. The wind rips across the house. So loud. Never know if it’s a tornado or just the hurricane wind. The kitchen vent rattles so horribly.

12:58 am
We now have no water. I hope Mom and Shawn are faring better. I think nearly all of Pensacola is without services. I know Mom’s roof is newer than mine. I worry about her shop. That’s her livelihood.

The cats had been hiding in the den but are now staying here in the living room with us. They know it’s not safe.

Em is finally sleeping soundly. She had started sleeping a couple of hours ago but woke up. I need her to rest.

I however am afraid of getting real sleep. I’m afraid a tree will fall on the house or that a tornado will hit and I won’t be able to react properly.

This isn’t going to stop until well after the morning hours come.

I thought I was ok with what I had in batteries. I should have checked them. I should have just bought more D-size.

1:30 am
It is so blooming hot! I should move us into another part of the house. There are really no interior rooms. Every room faces the outside. Perhaps the hallway? Or let Em sleep in the closet? I’m afraid to move out of here because I know the roof is weak in the back part of the house.

Damn!

I looked outside (back door) and I could see almost nothing. Pitch black outside. I saw some branches on the ground. Don’t know the extent of the damage.

News reports that the core of the storm still hasn’t made landfall.

Damn!

Ms. Margie, on my right, has some damage. I think her carport is gone. I hear the wind blowing roughly over there.

We heard glass break hours ago. I think it’s from my neighbor on the left…or it’s my car.

Four dead from tornados east of Panama City. Two dead in Panama City earlier from tornados.

So so hot. I cant’ wait until this is over…for a number of reasons but it will be nice to open the doors.

I wish I had a phone to keep us from feeling so isolated. I’d call everyone I know so I could get through this.

Supposedly, 7 am is the end of this. Supposedly. It’s 1:40 am right now.

Water is coming in the front door. I don’t know if it’s the rain or if the street is flooding.

I think we definitely will have major damage to work on.

…

Can I just admit that I do want to cry? A few times I’ve held back. I do not want to scare Em or myself. Trying to calm myself down. Bit difficult with all this noise.

1:50 am
Evidently the east and northeast of a hurricane’s center is the most susceptible. Ivan is hitting Mobile which means Pensacola is getting smashed. The base here-NAS Pcola-has measured winds in excess of 90mph.

I am really scared. I never imagined especially the last few days that I’d be this frightened. Supposedly only five more hours. We have to get through the center and then through the back end of Ivan’s eye.

Florida is having a rough season…

Sounds like more water coming in. I need to check…maybe later.

God, I hope Mom and Shawn are okay. I think Allison is staying with them as well as Mom’s old beau, George. Don is supposed to be staying at the shop. He had to evacuate his condo at Perdido Key. I hope he decided to go to Eight Mile. The news has reported serious shit near that area.

I can’t wait to get out of this house. I wonder what damage has been done to this area.

I know the house is on a stone/concrete foundation but I can feel the house rock. This house is over fifty years old…about that…It’s not the foundation that I’m worried about. It’s the major renovations done since the first construction.

…

The sounds are getting worse. The wind is severe. It wants to kill. Praying my little house will protect us. Good house! Good house!

So freaking hot!

JJ is sleeping by Em. The poor thing would have never survived if he had stayed outside. I think he is scared as well.

2:07 am
Tornado watch. I am so afraid that we will not survive a tornado if one touches down here. We have the huge tree in the backyard and the G’s tree across the street. If I put us in the closet, that faces outside.

Living room’s windows are on the south and west sides. Laundry room has no windows BUT the south wall is shared by the den, which is not brick. The exterior wall is north and faces the big tree. I can feel the house move though. I need to prepare.

2:25 am
We’ve moved into my bedroom. Em is sleeping in the closet with JJ. The cats are somewhere else…den or living room. It’s quieter in here.

It is so hot. I have a headache. Am tired. I think I’m going to try and sleep.

2:35 am
Reports say the peak of the storm isn’t scheduled until 7 or 8 am. Damn! Full report scheduled for 4 am.

I need sleep.

7:50 am
I’ve been awake for approximately twenty minutes. I fell asleep some time after 3 am.

I walked about a bit outside. Cried. The neighborhood is obviously torn apart. So far it looks like everyone’s home has been spared. I haven’t walked down every street.

Trees are down. Not just down but uprooted. Sheds are in odd places.

Ms. Margie’s new carport is decimated. Ms. Betty’s tree in her front yard is down. My fence has been destroyed.

Couple of my smaller trees are broken. My huge tree has lost limbs.

I have a migraine developing. Not feeling good at all. Eh…

The wind is still blowing hard.

People are dead here in Pensacola.

10:00 am
Knock on the door.

10:26 am
We were going to go to the store to call Mom and Shawn but they showed up here along with Allison.

10:47 am
We walked around the neighborhood earlier. All the houses we’ve seen were barely missed. Huge trees fallen just near roofs.

I heard on the radio earlier (when I first woke up) that pieces of the Bay Bridge are gone. A truck was found on the bridge. The cab is in the ocean and the remaining part tottering on the end. No news on what has happened to the driver. I fear death.

11:18 am
Spoke to Jenn. When Mom and Shawn were here, they left Mom’s phone. Took several tries but finally got through.

On our walk, I found the down power line at the start of our neighborhood.

Pensacola got most of the damage. Ninety-five percent of Gulf Power customers are without services.

12:15 pm
…I left a message for Ali to post a note that we are alive…

Escambia County has a 24-hour curfew.

We drove down a couple of streets. I was trying to find a pay phone in service.… Anyway, so much damage. Trees are broken everywhere and are places they shouldn’t be. Signs are destroyed for businesses like Wendy’s. A motel across Hwy 29 has damage to the roof with people staying there.

More and more realization that we were in a hurricane. Estimates of three weeks before power is restored. I pray water is restored before that.

Migraine still sitting in my head. Not feeling as nauseous as when I first woke up.

The wind is not as ferocious. Like a breeze compared to earlier this morning.

1:45 pm
Over 137,000 people in Escambia are without power. No one except emergency personnel is allowed into Pensacola. 24-hour curfew still in effect.

2:37 pm
Sitting outside. I couldn’t stand sitting in the dark for any time longer. It was making me ill. Too hot. Too dark.

3:30 pm
Pensacola is hurting bad today. News reports that parts of West Pensacola were hit with water. Storm surge caused eight foot water rising on streets a mile away from the beach.

Again, I am just amazed at how close we were to being smashed by the trees in this neighborhood.

…

Trying to let sun soak into our skins before plunging back into darkness. Hot, nasty, smothering darkness.

5:46 pm
We walked to the little store at our corner. Surprised to find them open. The owners had come by to see what was damaged and someone came by and asked if they are open. They had been selling beer, soda, snacks, and other little luxury items. Awfully good of them to do that for the community.

Looters are already out and about. The Fairgrounds are a ready station for the National Guard. A reason to not leave our property.

Hurricane Jeanne is dwelling out there and is scheduled to hit the States next week.

It’s beautiful out here. Some gray clouds are hanging around but I see blue skies and there is a lovely breeze.

All of the hospitals here have suffered damage. Historic buildings have been destroyed.

Still no word on when ice and water will be delivered to Pensacola. …

6:02 pm
Meteorologist David Glen said Ivan moved 20 miles east surprisingly saved Mobile from worse damage. Everyone had anticipated Ivan’s path into Mobile Bay, but the slight change caused excessive damage in Pensacola, Escambia County, and Baldwin County.

6:15 pm
The major roads into Pensacola have suffered damage. I feel like the town is isolated.

…

September 17, 7:37 am
Em is sick. She woke up around 6 am vomiting and running to the toilet with diarrhea.

9:32 am
My windows are opened! Neighbors got the boards down.

…

10:37 am
Em is feeling better. Had given her some Pepto. She’s sitting up reading a book.

I’m waiting for an announcement for water and ice. There will be a mad rush for it. There are estimates that water will not be turned back on for at least a week.

10:56 am
News radio says that estimates of power reactivation range from three weeks to two months. FEMA is bringing food, water, and ice to Pensacola today. Announcements of stations will be made.

People are out and about cleaning their yards. Not much to do here.

I am going to throw away all the chicken I cooked. I’m afraid it’s not good and this is why Em is sick.

11:01 am
Stores are beginning to open. Non-perishable food items. No gas. No ice. No water. No generators.

Can’t get in touch with Mom and Shawn.

4:27 pm
Drove to Eight Mile Creek. Lots of trees and power lines down. Though the phone rang on the cell, there is no service at her house.

FEMA set up a distribution center at Brent and Palafox. The line was extremely long. The traffic at the intersection, crazy crowded. All four stops congested with people trying to get to the center. I heard one man to my left screaming at the National Guard, “What about us?! We’ve been waiting ten minutes!”

Army National Guard is all over town directing traffic and putting order to things.

The PJC campus distribution center ran out of ice and water.

There are cherry pickers, trucks with heavy machinery, and other maintenance vehicles on the road. I can see Palafox from our living room window and there was a convoy of them that had passed.

If Mom can get gas, she’s going to Memphis tomorrow. I want to go but am unsure of what to do with JJ.

Nearly a million people without service along the coast as a result of Ivan.

Oh! Forgot to mention, Mom’s shop has water.

5:38 pm
The G’s are back…returned about thirty minutes ago. I don’t have to worry about JJ any longer. If we leave for Memphis, we can go. The cats will be fine. …

September 18
We went back to Mom’s house for dinner last night with every intention of going home afterwards. We spent the night because of the curfew.

I stayed up to 4 am with Shawn and Allison. It was fucking fantastic to sit up and talk with people.

We are going to Memphis. Had meant to leave this morning but was unable to because of flat tire, a missing cell phone, and a delayed Shawn.

Shawn had waited at Home Depot to buy a large generator for several hours. Two cars in front of him, and the size he wanted went out of stock. Issues with people cutting in lines. He came back in an awful mood.

…

September 19
We’re finally on our way to Memphis. …

Gas is one of the most precious commodities around Pensacola. Lines that last hours. People running out before their turns at the pump. Slowly gas stations - More and more stations are opening.

Mom’s shop has electricity now. The area near Pine Forest and Wilde Lake is slowly getting turned back on. Haven’t been home since yesterday morning.

There are now eleven confirmed dead in Escambia County. They are still doing search, rescue, and recovery on the Barrier Islands (Perdido Key, Orange Beach, Pensacola Beach, etc).

Life in Pensacola is moving on.

…

September 23
We came home from Memphis. We left after Jenn on Tuesday, about 9:30 pm. Had to stop a few times because Mom was sleepy. Got in about 6:30 am.

Came home to both lights and water. Hooray!

…

(still a bit more)

Ivan part I

I'm going to post as much as I can before I have to leave the library. These will mostly be snippets from my journal about the storm. I will be leaving things out because...well, frankly...it's still my journal and there were some things that have to remain private.

September 14
It is actually the fifteenth but as always I follow my rule: "If I haven't gone to bed on the day I woke up, it's not tomorrow."

We are waiting for the arrival of Hurricane Ivan. Scheduled to hit late Wednesday or early Thursday. A category 4 storm which began its trek toward the Gulf Coast as a category 5.

It hit Grenada last week causing damage to ninety percent of all buildings on the island. It swept by Cuba on Monday...I think. The hurricane warning stretches from west of New Orleans to Apalachicola, Florida.

The house is boarded up. Shawn and his friend, Dave covered the windows this afternoon. They've been working since 3 a.m., starting on Mom's shop. Unless they picked up more jobs, they boarded eight homes. Five hundred dollars worth of plywood!

Em and I drove downtown as well as bits of town elsewhere. I wish I had a digital camera to capture the city. Boards going up on everything from large businesses (car dealerships) to the small shotgun houses.

Lines around the corner for people needing plywood, propane, and food. Signs displaying what's in stock and what's not. "NO Generators"

Porches empty. Businesses closed. Parking lots void of people and machines. Traffic building.

There is a rush about town. Jenn and Pa want us to head north to Memphis but all of us are waiting it out here. Besides, traffic is so congested on the interstate that they had to reverse traffic flow in Mobile. I-65 is going north on all lanes-no southbound traffic permitted.

Mandatory evacuation for all the beach areas from the Mississippi Gulf Coast to the east part of the Panhandle.

Em is out of school until further notice. She's a bit freaked but has calmed down since Monday afternoon. I think she's more worried but is giving good face. I'm a bit of a tough love maniac.

...

September 15
It's 1:40 pm and Ivan is getting closer. Tornado warning have been issued for Escambia County. Ivan is supposed to hit around midnight. It has been raining for a few hours now. The rain is a medium strength..even lighter. The wind is picking up.

People are still evacuating a number of cities. New Orleans fears flooding. Mobile is going to get hit as well as Pensacola. Areas to the east such as Ft. Walton Beach and Destin are emptying.

The emergency shelters are filling to capacity. The government officials are recommending that people evacuate to areas as north as Memphis.

My biggest concern is the lack of power and water. Also...tornados. I worry about the winds.

Mandatory curfews will be in effect tonight until the morning. The Pensacola Bay Bridge has been closed. If people didn't get out of the Gulf Breeze, it's too late to leave now.

Traffic is still moving along interstate and highway roads. Miles of slow traffic moving out of the areas. We're not going anywhere. I don't want to be caught on the roads with tornadic conditions.

They are showing footage at Pensacola Beach. The waves are covering the pier there. I'm getting more anxious as the day progresses. It's the wonder of what exactly is going to hit us. Anything from extreme devastation to the rain we're encountering now. What will we see?

I know I'm crazy but I'm going to sneak a peek at the outside world tonight.

...

Reports that gas stations are/have removed the pumps already. Cities have shut down power and water to parts of them, namely those along the beach.

Ivan:Size of Frances but impact of Charley

Power outages are already beginning in Mobile. As for Pensacola - don't know. I wish I could pick up the local station.

Nervous. Anxious. Excited.

3:45 pm
The rain is increasing as is the wind. We can hear it from within the house.

Ivan is approximately 125 miles south of Mobile. We have between eight and ten hours before the roughest part of the hurricane hits.

Buouys are recording fifty foot seas.

The news forecast is already being affected here in the house.

5:19 pm
Power outages here in Pensacola and Escambia County.

I looked outside and still more rain and wind. Winds are reported at over 30mph and gusts at approximately 45mph. NOA (National Oceanic Association) and meteorologists are reporting pressure drops and changes are going to happen quickly. Experts say sustained 39mph winds are tropical storm winds

8:00 pm
Lights are gone. Now a matter of time before the fridge loses cold. I'm debating whether or not to remove the items from it. Want to leave everything in there until the last of the cold is gone.

The air is kicking up more. Reason for the absence of power. Winds are causing most of the noise we are hearing.

8:15 pm
The Pensacola Civic Center has been serving as an emergency shelter. It filled to capacity hours ago and power went out there. THAT has to be a scary place with all the dark...Lights are back on there.

Curfews are in effect. Pensacola/Escambia County is until 8 am tomorrow.

Em is not as scared as before. I think I'm more frightened than before. Again, the unexpected. The Unknown.

We are in the living room. Not sure if it's the best room int he house but it's the easiest to move around in. Have the candles lit in here which adds heat to the boarded up house.

The G's left for family in upper Alabama. They left their dog, JJ in the backyard. I couldn't stand the thought of him fighting the storm outside. I told them that we'd bring him in if it got bad. He's been here since this morning. The cats particularly Veruca are pissed.

9:00 pm
29,000 Escambia residents are without power.

9:10 pm
Just checked outisde. There is faint moonlight behind clouds in the south. I can also see the red light on a tower in the distance. The wind is getting wickedly scary.

There is a recommendation to boil water for a minute before drinking. NO ELECTRICITY!! Also said we can add bleach (can't recall how much) to water and let it sit...need to write down how much next time I hear it.

Em is playing Game Boy Advance. Sophie is heading beneath furniture in the den. Veruca is hiding (8 drops bleach per gallon) in a bedroom. JJ is running about and laying down with us here in the living room.

9:50 pm
56,000 residents are without power in West Florida.

Only a couple of hours before Ivan's ETA.

10:40 pm
Tried to check outside. The wind is extreme. It tried to blow the door in. It took my weight to push against it. The roof is making a racket that has Em and me jumping at each sound.

Kitchen chairs are wedged under the knobs. The wind is scaring me. Very worried about tornados. There are no sirens. The tornados are touching down and then dissapating very quickly.

(more to come)

Bumper stickers and T-shirts

Emmaline and I are doing exceptionally well. Ivan scared the little remaining common sense out of me but we are doing well. We stayed in Pensacola for the storm but are now in Millington, TN. School has been postponed until who knows when and Emma was violently ill on Friday. I didn't want to stay in a town where the lack of modern plumbing was testing it's limits with an already moody woman and a child struck down with an unkind stomach virus.

I journalled during the storm and when I have patience and opportunity, I will transcribe some of what I wrote.

Anyways...we are alive. My brother's girlfriend and I are thinking of getting bumper stickers and T-shirts printed. "I survived Ivan the Terrible."

And thank you, Ali for posting for me. I apologize that I couldn't call each of you and tell you how we were....I knew Ali was familiar with my Typepad AND I had her phone number. Two birds, one stone, you know.

Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers. Thank you.

Hurricane Msg.

This is Ali from CaffeEclectic.com guest posting today for Nae.

YAY!!! They are ok, surviving yet another hurricane, this is number three. Talk about “they come in threes”, hopefully no more will come and this will be the end of these crazy storm cycles.

This season has really started off very harshly for Floridians and the islands to the right of Florida. Causing damage and lost of lives in its wake. I just pray that everyone who was in its way are doing well. HUGS to everyone that had to experience these Hurricanes.

Once Pensicola gets service back up Nae will be back to post again. She wanted me to relay that to everyone that they are doing well and that she will be back to Muse another day. YAY! Thank God you are both doing well. Hugs and Kisses!

Cosmic Dancer by Johanna's House of Glamour

Lyrics by Marc Bolan

I was dancing when I was twelve
I was dancing when I was ... aaah
I danced myself right out the womb
Is it strange to dance so soon ?
I danced myself right out of the womb

I was dancing when I was eight
Is it strange to dance so late ?
I danced myself into the tomb
Is it strange to dance so soon ?
I danced myself into the tomb

Is it wrong to understand
The fear that dwells inside a man
What's it like to be a loon ?
I liken it to a balloon

I danced myself out of the womb
Is it strange to dance so soon ?
I danced myself into the tomb
But then again, once more ...
I danced myself out of the womb
Is it strange to dance so soon ?
I danced myself out of the womb

Gluttony

I've a part-time job. Three days a week doing something I absolutely detest. BUT I'm a glutton for punishment. I need the money for gas to get my child back and forth for school. I don't know what minimum wage is anymore since I haven't made that in a very very long time, but I think my hourly rate is below that. Under the table, folks.

I'm not looking forward to it. It's an in-the-meantime job.

Illegal to Love Me

I've been having dreams about certain men in my life. One my friend, B. I was excited to see him. Have been in love with the guy since adolescence. I remember embracing him. He, however wasn't too glad to see me. Evidently there was some ordinance making it illegal to love me. I could feel his anger towards me for interrupting his life. And he was actually repulsed to see me and have him near his family.

A Pair to Share

Just wanted to post a few watercolor pencil paintings. Enjoy

"We've got more tests to run."

My dad is getting worse. My brother, Shawn ran up to Tennessee for the Labor Day weekend and said our pop looks really bad. And he's not saying anything.

Shawn said he's not doing well at all. He's on light duty at the post office and can't survive fifteen minutes doing anything physical. Pop has gained so much weight probably as a result of taking Prednisone. For what? We don't know. He's seeing the doctors every week to conduct more tests...I hate that. When doctors say they don't know what's wrong. "More tests." And the man is taking a pharmacy of medications. Either my father knows what's going on and won't tell us or the doctors are pissing me off with their incompetent crap. (I know. I know. Medicine isn't a perfect science. The human body is still a mystery. Yada yada yada.)

I'm frightened that he is this ill. A man that was scary to me as a child with his Smoky the Bear Drill Instructor hat and Marine Corps cammies yelling at the top of his lungs at a battalion of men is now reduced to near immobility by something severly affecting him. I'm worried that he is dying.

I don't have the money to go and see him. I need to get a job quick so that I can afford to take Em up there next month during her fall break. I really am afraid that something is going to happen.

Despite the issues between us, I don't want him to leave my life. I'd rather have him safe in his home with his wife not speaking to me for the next three or four decades than not have any chance of seeing him again.

Please, God...I'm sorry for being so angry at him. I'm sorry for wrapping myself so tightly in my blame game. Please. Please. Please. Please let him get better. There are so many things left to fix. Please. If it would help for me to get down on my knees, I will. I do. Please.

Suicide

Would you want someone to leave you a note explaining why? Tell you things in the heart and on the mind? Or would you rather they be silent?...as the grave so to speak

Take a hint from Ma Bell. Reach out and touch someone.

If you have the means, make amends with someone you miss. Right now.

Dreams

Woke up quite upset in the middle of the night by a nightmare. I don't remember most of it.

Snipers hiding in various places at a very public and busy city intersection. Shooting at the public. Trying to hide so I'm not shot also. Feeling intense hatred from the killers. Invasion of my space, my safety. People dying.

I woke up feeling unsafe in my house. On the verge of tears. Panicked. I wanted to hide in a closet or someplace small and dark. Afraid to go back to sleep.

Deserving

I wish I were of all the goodness from the people in my life. I am so bloody conditioned to focus on the blahness of my life that I piss on the beauty of those willing to stick with me. I know I've told a few of you that I unintentionally but purposefully push at you. Trying to get as far away as I can from what you offer. Fear. Frustration.

Angrily, my mother told me a couple of years ago, when I first moved to Pensacola, that I didn't need friends or anyone else....I had her she said. That's all I needed. It's something she ingrained in me. And unfortunately I'm stuck on an island far more sinister than Dr. Moreau, isolated from people that do care about me.

"Leave," you say. You shout.

I don't know how.

I've been reading Life of Pi. The main character discusses something quite poignant near the beginning. He talks about the humaneness of zoos and the character of animals. He states that animals are afraid of the unknown. The cages on display aren't seen as something wicked to them. They grow accustomed to the dimensions of their homes and the predictability of their lives. If cages are left open or if an animal manages to escape, Pi says, the captives return to their homes and the familiarity of their pens.

I'm afraid to love you. I do. There is no doubt that I do. And I cringe at the thought of losing your love or your favor. I love you but am afraid. It's a terror that comes in the form of dreams at night. It's a phobia that builds intensity when I'm alone. And I react. I'm deathly afraid of being alone without you.

Your fingerprints are on my heart but I'm afraid you'll find a reason to not love me anymore. What would I do to finally make you take it all back? It's an unknown. And I'm scared to risk it.

So...I push away. I push away before I can cause you harm which would ultimately lead you away from me. It just seems the easiest way to deal with things. I am undeserving of what you give me. I've been mean to your attempts to reach out and love me. And I am sorry.

Retreating

The hardest thing about being mentally and emotionally diseased is maintaining friendships. Not tooting my own horn but just stating as matter of fact...I'm of the gregarious sort. Unfortunately that makes it difficult when I want to be alone.

I'm at the point in my illness when I want everyone to leave me alone. Few days ago I wanted everyone. Had I a phone, I would have already made well over a thousand dollars in phone calls. (That's another problem I have...I go through my entire address book and call everyone, no matter the country or time.) My need of people was a fleeting thing.

Right now, I want to be left alone. I'm in a sorry state and I am afraid of what I'll say and do to others in my life. I've just learned it's easier to leave everyone to their affairs and retreat into my own misery. I know it's a confusing thing for those who really care about me. I'm sorry. I really am. I don't know how else to explain what I need from any of you. And honestly, I don't think any of you can give it to me.

Please know that I love you. And I'm sorry for what I put you through. If I come out of this, I'll be back. And if you'll have me, I will be overjoyed. I know it's not easy being my friend. And I don't blame you for getting on with your lives without me.