The last couple days have been rough for me. I've been...angry. Other emotions whirling about in Hurricane Naomi but let's just address anger right now.
I don't know why I allow myself to get suckered into things that aren't good for me.
I am sick of people who are stupid. Idiots. I am especially sickened by women who play the Nell to men's Dudley Do-Right. You know what?! STOP IT! You are giving all us women bad names. And you Dudley Do-Rights....STOP IT TOO!! Bloody hell. Do you really see all of us like that? Unconsciously you must. And when the atypical woman falls somewhere in your peripheral vision, you get crazy on us. What the hell?! You don't give any of us a fighting chance. I just get tired of it. A woman with a healthy dose of independence is seen as some loud mouth opinionated bitch. AND when she has a faltering moment, you run like a coward. FUCK YOU! And these women with the batting eyelashes, shy responses, and apologetic teasing flits about them are the winners?! Have them. Honestly. But please don't breed.
I am tired of drivers that really want me to get the fuck out of my car and beat them senseless with a state driver's licence manual. Please! Just stay home because I'm losing my patience. You nearly ran over the pedestrians in the Big Lot parking lot because you couldn't stand sitting behind me who was waiting for them to cross. You cut me off at school while I was waiting for the van in front of me picking up their children to move and in the process held up the rest of us and could have taken a few kids out. Didn't that nut in the SUV teach you anything, you fucking morons?!
I swear. I'm sick of imbeciles. Today I have no patience for anyone whose IQ falls at the national norm.
I am so angry at my brain. In the same organ that calculates mathematical computations, records a personal history, memorizes and uses facts in a superb manner...in this same organ that uses chemical reactions to do all this...chemical reactions are fucking up the doors to my emotional life. The same synapses that spark imagination and logic are firing emotional bullets into daily life.
I'm mean and really...I'm enjoying it. I'm laughing at the thought of making people cry. What vein am I going to nick? Who has pissed me off lately? The Piper, perhaps.
I've been home for the most part for the last two days. I went to hell today...Wal-Mart. I liked it at one time. Remember that period in history when NO ONE but the insomniacs went to Wal-Mart in the middle of the night? That was a glorious time. One could take their time in the store. Had a craving for a massive dose of chocolate with the nagging need to buy superglue and car freshners at three a.m.? Wal-Mart was the place.
Then the busy people of the world caught wind of late hours and took over the store.
I fixed that by going when the blue haireds went. I loved it. First thing in the morning when only the senior citizens were out and about. Everyone else was in school or at work.
NOT ANYMORE. Nope. The "others" took over that time period too.
Now I just hate Wal-Mart. The drivers. The family outings. BLOODY FUCKING HELL! If you haven't learned by now, people: the aisles are for everyone's use. I don't need a fucking Wizard of Oz moment right there in the canned goods section. Don't bogart the lanes, folks. You know what I mean. Linking arms, singing about some magical place over the rainbow, and looking for the wizard. Noone has painted a yellow brick road on the floor. And the wizard is dead...his name is on everything including the dog food but that doesn't mean he's around greeting you at the door and putting a yellow smiley face on your kid's shirt....he micromanaged that job before he kicked the bucket and gave it to other people.
ok. ok. ok.
For the safety of the world, I'm getting back on the psychotropic drugs. I have yet another visit to the wonderful world of insane people tomorrow. Hopefully I will be leaving the hospital with a couple of beautiful prescriptions in my hand for some heavy drugs. If I don't get my favorite one back, they may try me on an anti-psychotic. OH YEAH!!!
I need something....bad. I sat in the turning lane beating on my steering wheel and horn and screaming and cursing after a second person in less than five minutes cut me off. I'm about to punch walls. For the sake of your health and our friendship, don't try checking on me. I'm mean and my little tricks to curb my behavior are at the breaking point. I'm not nice.
The dreams have been violent and frightening. Rapists, murderers, and child molesters. Memories haven't been too good either. I've been sitting in traffic with the most monstrous memories that I can't place. They have been leaving me with tears. Horrible memories of sexual violence and shit and I don't know where they are coming from.
I am not doing well today and honestly I just want to be violent to my body.