apocryphal

I am depressed today. Haven't had one like this in months. Had been flying high. Eh.

Want to just run away. My eyes ache from crying. My soul hurts. I feel raw. I am in need of my feathers being smoothed again. Want to be covered and protected by hugs and kisses. Want to sleep. Want to forget who I am and what mistakes I make.

Wish I could be a better me. God, how I wish I could feel like I deserve the wondrous loves I've been given instead of waiting in fear of their retreats....or worse yet, mine.

sigh...How do you escape yourself without changing who you are? How do you become someone else without losing what makes you, you? How do you fall in love with the person that someone else is in love with?

It's hard to lay the arms down when you're not sure who the foes are. You think they're outside of yourself but at some point in your life, you've become the enemy. You pick up sharp instruments and stab yourself. A jab here. A poke there.  A slice across the skin once or twice when noone is looking. You lie to yourself that it's defense against those others....those people outside of yourself who have repeatedly hurt you. Who have anonymously hurt you. Who will hurt you.

But one person knows all this shit. One person manages to know you better than you know yourself. You! You, who claims to know people inside out....and you're pretty damn accurate. You, who can fake and manipulate your way out of any situation. Create diversions of pure gold. Master of slight of hand. And yet, this one person knows it all. Someone you've always wanted. Someone to reach within you and say, "Fuck that! I'm not letting you get away with that shit!" Someone who loves you for all that you are worth and will fight any fucking person that intends you harm....including you. You're left speechless time and time again because you've nowhere to go that your someone can't go too. You want to fight. You want to try all your tricks. You want to put up your walls. You want to do what you've always done.  But you can't because you're suddenly accountable to someone who is fighting for you.

Shit.

I feel like I've cried for forty days. Don't want to do anything. No work. No mothering. No talking to anyone else.

I need my hair stroked.