Light and Darkness

The Women's Room

Emma is a Goofball.

I was trying to escape my child in the bathroom after watching a movie. I just wanted a few brief moments of peace in the restrooms. Well, she wouldn't take no for an answer.

My Coke is Flat.

I was called to one of our side concession stands, also known as the satellites to take care of a customer service matter. Evidently, our soda was flat and the woman wanted a refund. She had refused a refill from another fountain or of an entirely different soda. I was handed the large cup. Imagine my surprise when all that was left of that bad boy was melted ice and a few sips of beverage.

Yes, she got her refund. Sometimes, it's just easier to be done with them.

A Newborn and A Facelift

It seems Mr. Wells from PlanetThoughtful has been busy over there in Oz. He has redesigned PlanetThoughtful (and it looks marvelous, by the way) as well as created a new site. The Urban Legends Blog is a reincarnation of his old site, ULRC. So, show some linky love and scoot on over to his spaces. Go now. The internet gods demand it.

Sharing the Linky Love

Threadbared.com - such a funny site. Trust me. Just click and go. Won't even give you details.

Found them through Susie Bright. A good read!
 

Static Poop

I need an emotional enema. Seriously. Before the toxic sludge of my psyche compacts into an 'ohmigod, what the hell did I eat to be so freakin constipated but I'll poop this sucker out if it's the last thing I do and they find dead me dead on the toilet of an aneuryism trying to do so' crapper.

I need to release into words. Or draw. Or something of the creative sort. I am going to explode from the inactivity of my soul. I am static. My life, sadly, is static. I have Static Poop.

When I got off work tonight, I took a nap and I can recall only a couple bits of a dream. Carrie and I were travelling abroad. I know only that and feeling deliciously satisfied.

I need to add more to my "Before I die, I want to..." book. I have muzzled the dreaming/scheming part of me. Absolutely, fucking terrified to ask for what I want. I think that's why I'm so miserably unhappy.

...

Random thought time. I'm going to poop some of this out before I start cramping.

So often, I wish I belonged to a religious group. I can't identify with organized religion anymore. Humankind has pissed me off beyond wanting to ever join a religious affiliation again. I am angrier at God when I have to adhere to a religion. I am angrier at man even more so that we have restricted our Ultimate to words, rules, and slick Sunday morning captions. But I can't help wanting to find a definitive approach to worship. Why? I think I rely less on that communication as I did in the past, and as a result, I feel I've killed God entirely by not acknowledging the One in daily chat. I just can not subscribe to a God created by men and I fear that is what God has become. If you don't believe me, look at who is out there performing their acts in the NAME OF GOD.

I seriously think something is wrong with my sexual organs but I'm too scared to go to the doctor. I don't think I can handle hearing what he has to say. I know I'm being melodramatic but afraid of the outcome. I'm bleeding yet again, though not heavy. And I just stopped bleeding less than ten days ago. That's four times....FOUR....since the end of November/beginning of December. This week. I promise myself. Doctor's office this week.

Fat. I am so fucking fat. I hate my body. The thoughts that have popped into my head regarding my body are disturbing. And I will keep them to myself. Now that I've spent the last month or so unable to breath properly because of an infection, let's see if I can get my ugly ass to the gym finally and work off this enormous monstrosity of human flesh. FAT FUCK!

I want a full-time, regular female sex partner. But feel so uncomfortable about myself right now (actually, all the time) that I can't conceive of letting anyone see me naked....EVER AGAIN.

Would like to meet the half-siblings my natural father produced after me. I wonder what they are like.

Thinking about where Delana shot herself in order to strike that fatal blow. And why did she do it at work?

"Just Sit Back and Enjoy the Ride"

I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me! I have an inkling that it's just the horrific way that I view the world in relation to me and how I consider myself the trash juice that sits and stinks up the can beneath the bag....but still, what's wrong with me?

Why can't I just accept what I have in life and be happy? I have more than I can imagine and yet I insist on trying to force more into what's not. More meaning behind words. More tragedy behind moments. More drama. More histrionics. And in the process of putting more weight behind what I shouldn't, I'm minimizing what is downright heavy with trueness.

I am so fucked up. I am truely incapable of a relationship of any kind. Friendships, Mother-child, romantic....the lot.

I just want to stop jumping ahead and enjoy the now before I screw up and push away. I want to be happy. And yet, I feel that I am nothing and have nothing to give. Where I stand, I feel, there are so many better people capable of giving what I give. And that is so sad.

I am unhappy with myself. I am unhappy with what I am not and what I am. I am angry at myself for wanting more than I have and wanting more of myself. I am greedy. And I feel like both the child throwing a tantrum to get what she wants and the parent reprimanding her.

God, I want to be better. I want to be beautiful. I want to be talented. I want to be constantly uplifting. I want to be dedicated. I want to be more.

Better be GOLD!

The visit to the emergency room left me tired and unsatisfied and completely justified in my cynical view of the medical world. FIVE hours of waiting. Actually, no. Wait. I waited for four hours and fifteen minutes and received forty-five minutes of care. I had a chest x-ray to determine whether it was pneumonia. I had an EKG because I have a heart murmur that seems to be doing me no harm other than occupying the minds of any physician who lays his/her stethoscope against my chest. I had moments of consultation. And in the end, I left after having swallowed two tablets of Zithromax and still unable to breathe properly.

Acute bronchitis.

So,  yesterday I tried to fill my prescription for the remaining dosages of Zithromax. If you know anything about the drug, you know it's a potent antiobiotic that you need to take little of. You would also know that it is expensive. Well....the damn ER doc prescribed this to me and I couldn't get it filled. BECAUSE it requires prior authorization in order to be paid by Medicaid.

I did NOT want to go to my physician to do the whole thing over. I had already missed two days because of the infection, so I opted to pay for the prescription out of pocket. Luckily, there is a generic form of the drug. Unluckily, it cost me thirty dollars...Wouldn't consider that a bad price, right? How about for only two tablets? A dose for Monday. A dose for Tuesday. Fifteen dollars a pop.

Can I tell you that I was disappointed that I didn't suddenly turn into a superstar when I swallowed the first pill?

And I still feel like crap. I wasn't given anything for the actual breathing problem in my chest. My lungs still feel closed in, and I weeze like a broken party horn. At least, I'm not running a fever any longer and the chills, aches, and pains have subsided.

Stunned

I was looking for information on Delaina's death, which seems to have missed the news agents in Memphis as of yet, and I found LifeGem. I can see how this may make some people feel comforted, and it is a different alternative to having a huge stone urn sitting on your sidetables with your loved one's ashes. Then again, there are few things about this that just makes me feel a little unnerved....ok, more than a few.

Delaina

Found out last night from my father that close friend of my brother killed herself. Delaina lived only a couple of houses right of my father's own. We've known her since my pop retired from the Marine Corps and we moved back to Millington. Shawn took her to her prom, strictly as friends.

Noone can believe this has happened. She never seemed the type to suffer from depression. She always got over things quickly. Never dwelled too heart-heavy on sad issues. Hurt over break-ups but always found another girlfriend soon after the last one left or she left her. Delaina was tough. Tough in spirit. Tough in heart. Tough. We've seen her get through things.

Evidently, she was depressed over the break-up with her girlfriend and shot herself. Shawn and others don't think she would do this to herself.

...

Don't know what else to say.

The Mother of All Days

My January 21st is finally ending here at 2:53 am on January 22. Details tomorrow when I've actually awaken from what I can only hope will be a peaceful sleep after this freakish day. Highlights? A fire at work and a visit to the emergency room for me....no, the two are not connected.

I am know going to bed after having spent five hours in the ER. What a piss ass day!

Cult of the Foot

Some of you probably already know about my goofy fascination with Spontaneous Human Combustion. Well, in talking with friend Tom recently, I thought it would be fun to make some usable products with my little cult that I created years and years ago (and if you believe I am really a cult leader, you are more than welcomed to give me all your assets, shave all the hair off your body to purify yourself, and eat cabbage soup at precisely 5:42 p.m. every day) based on my little weirdness. Hey, if you really want to buy some of this stuff, I'm not going to stop you. I'm getting a thing or two myself.

Cult of the Foot

...

(listen to your goddess: you must buy! BUY! BUY! It will make you powerful and rich. It will make you the most eligible [insert gender here] in your neighborhood)

Thick Like Pea Soup

Remember the Scooby Doo episode where the gang was crossing a river in a boat and Shaggy or Scoobs cuts the fog with a knife in the shape of a doughnut? Had a chat with Carrie a couple of days ago about a recent foggy day she was having. Reminded me that I had this shot saved. Been meaning to post it to The ViviCam.

Human Torture with Some Masago

Just came from the movies. Hostel.....um, ok. Have you seen this yet? Torture for sport. No real plot. Just lots of blood, pain, and watching through clenched teeth and eyes. Did Eli Roth really try to write a message into this thing? Yeah, I get we're supposed to be sickened by man's inhumanity against man (did you know that's what was trying to be said?) but honestly, there have been films that have portrayed far better than Hostel. It was basically a gore flick. No fear. No surprises. Blood and guts and death. That's it. Even the sexy scenes left you deflated. Yes, cringing will occur watching it. Who really would sit there as a woman's blowtorch burned eye is being cut off and the cooked gelatinous fluid that once held her pretty Asian occular ball comes seeping out. Yep. Wanna waste some money (again..thanking all that is holy that I get to watch movies for free), then by all means go see it.

Went bookstore shopping yesterday and picked up Neil Gaiman's American Gods as well as Arthur Golden's Memoirs of a Geisha (I have mentioned that I loved that book, right?!). Wanted Memoirs for my own shelf. Will be starting Gaiman's sometime tonight. Was told it is goooood.

Ate some sushi today. YUM!!! My God, the Japanese know what they are doing with that culinary delight. Orgasmic! I swear I will marry a man simply for keeping me happy with sushi. Yes, I'm a whore.

Just catching up on my blog reading and found this at Jez's journal. I'm a little stunned that it can be accurate. And a little shock that I could be blatantly summarized so correctly. Eh.

Naomi took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Preoccupied with things of an intensely exciting n..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

So, I took it again. And these results are more disturbing. A little Orwellian for me. Feels like someone has been listening to my conversations and spying on me for the description to be so right on.

 

Naomi took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Longs for sensitive and sympathetic understanding ..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

Well, I guess I'm just a cold, stubborn, sex fiend that is needy and always looking for validation in places other than myself; and when I don't get it, I withdraw.

...

hmph

...

If it's going to be that way about it, I'm going to my room and turning up the stereo. I don't have to listen to that crap..

Emptying the Noggin

Conducted interviews at work. Calling all my new hires when I work next, which is Tuesday evening. I love telling people they have been hired. There is that excitement and glee behind their words and in their breaths. I didn't think I would enjoy interviews because they can get a bit monotonous but I am enjoying it thoroughly. I am one of the trio of managers that trains hires and trains the new staff.

Moving on....I seriously think I need to see my gyno. Yes, more vagina talk today. How many damn periods is a woman suppose to have in less than sixty days? That is a rhetorical question.

Serious note: What the hell is wrong with NOLA's mayor? Is there a reason for spouting out segregated talk like that? Yes, I understand race became an issue with the hurricane relief but "New Orleans being chocolate at the end of the day." Now all the backtracking he's doing with follow-up statements. Admit your frustration, guy. People will understand and empathize with you. However, forget about all the people in your city that you are representing and leading that suffered also....doesn't sit well. Eh, just stunned at what he said.

Em starts Girl Scout cookie sales this week. This is her first year in Scouts and she seems to be having a good time with it all. And can I say that she is going to rock this sale....helps that her mom works with a company that employs many, many teenagers that like to eat.

Speaking of eating....Em decided to become a vegetarian for the new year. She has been very diligent since day one, New Year's Day. And in support I have bought vegetarian friendly products. Can I say that meatless hotdogs suck ass! Fucking hell!! YUCK! Ok. If you eat them and ACTUALLY enjoy them, good on ya! But bloody hell, ECK! Neither of us enjoyed them. And they became a waste of money. They will be biodegrading in my backyard. BLEH! The portabello hamburger patties weren't so bad. Em didn't enjoy them but I found them tolerably tasty. Tofu, we can do because we eat it periodically anyways. Hell, giving up meat isn't as difficult in our household as it may seem. Meat is expensive and we eat quite a bit of meatless dishes out of financial necessity. BUT those damn hotdogs were absolutely disgusting. PAH!

Know I'm droning on, right? Think I'm trying to get back into the habit of journalling regularly. I haven't written much in my hard journal in so long. Feel quite stagnant about it all.

Eh....guess I'm done blurting out nothing.

I Knew Goddess was My Middle Name

The Sexy Amorous Minx Administering Naughty Touches And Hot Affection inspired me to decode my own names.

Had to do the middle name also. I think I could find a consensus on this one.

New Toys

Friday I went shopping for a new "friend." I had to replace my already worn new one....Ok, if you don't understand air quotes or the subtle reference....I went shopping for a new vibrator. (BTW, this is where I state in my entry that this is going to reference things not so mundane and boring)

I don't care if you are in a relationship or going it alone. EVERY woman needs to have a toy or two. And if you have never gone shopping for one in a store, there are ways of obtaining them without showing your face in the light of day. You can always go to a friend's   Passion Party or order from an online source directly.

I've done all three and I love the sex stores the best but my most recent visit probably was the most revealing about my recent sexual activities.

Brandi from the store (Isn't it always some name like that? Sounding like the owner came straight from a porn shoot.): Can I help you find something?

Me: I'm looking for a new toy.

Brandi: Oh. They're all back here (gestures to the back of the store). What are you looking for?

Me: Well, I've had two different ones that had this (points to the vibrator with both a shaft and a clitoral stimulator). I really liked those but the sheath tore. At least my last one that was only months old did. My first one lasted me several years. I'm looking for something else now. Probably something without the stimulator. (And then I said the thing that would sum up things for me and note the bold-faced type) Something more durable.

...

DURABLE?

...

Good God!

...

Brandi: (picking up a standard vibrator and without skipping a beat) This right here is harder.

Me: Yeah, I want something with different sleeves. Variety. At [other store's name] they had a kit that had several sleeves plus a standard vibrator and a bullet. It was a snow or arctic theme.

...

Ok, I never understood the whole theme thing in adult toys. I mean really....are we, women that silly that we need a dildo shaped as the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz in order to climax? Am I the only one who hasn't gotten into the clitoral stimulator shaped like a dolphin? My fave vibrator had a stimulator shaped like a beaver (funny) and it's shaft was designed to look like an American Indian. WHY? I mean of all the things to get offended by...naming a sports team after Native Americans would be less of a derogatory thing than having a pleasure toy that enters a woman's vagina carved to look like Pochahontas.

...

Brandi: Oh, I don't think we have anything like that. Now this (picking up a kit) has a few different sleeves but is made of a harder material.

Me: (already excited by the looks of the attachment) Ooooo, I like this one.

Brandi: (picking up another) This one has different sleeves also but is made of that material that feels like real skin. Go ahead. Touch it.

Me: Hmmm. That feels nice but I like this one (points to first one)

Brandi: (opening up the package of the hard one) This one is made by [company's name] which is an excellent company. Their stuff lasts a long time.

Me: (notices the 2 C batteries in the package) I like this one. (eyes gloss over thinking about how this one takes C batteries whilst my other ones went through AAs like there was no tomorrow)

Brandi: I had a customer come in the other day that bought this one. She came back and said "Thanks for the recommendation."

Me: I'll take it. (walking behind Brandi towards the register) Are these Ben Wa balls?

Good Eats

Eggplant Parmesan by Michael Angelo's

I could eat these things every friggin day. LOVE THEM!!! Yum!

Putting Off "The Visit"

For days (probably more than a week or so, actually) I've put off seeing my mom. I don't know why. We haven't been fighting or any such lovey doviness. I just don't know why I'm not motivated in seeing her. I think it's the matter of her phone calls and messages I have received from her in the these last few days of absence.

My brother is in Tennessee helping care for my father. He has been for months. And since his migration there, mom has been more like Ma Bell than before. But again, it's her manner of asking to see me. She'll call up to see how I'm doing and suddenly I'm drafted into doing chores for her. I don't mind helping her or doing something for her....ok, lately I mind....but it's under the guise of seeing what's going on.

I know. She's lonely and our relationship is one of eggshells and such. Perhaps this is her way to tell me she misses me. AND I have been very unkind by not showing up for said chores. I'm awful. I'm going. I'm going to get in the shower, wash myself into a glorious state of being, and visit the woman.

You know....we have the weirdest and sometimes most violent passive-aggressive relationship. sigh....No wonder I can't just enjoy love. Eck!

When is It Time to Call It Quits?

How much should two people put into a relationship before deciding it is over? If one person says they are done, does the other have a choice? Should he/she rally forth and keep fighting? How much do you do before you take toll of what the relationship has done to you and move on? Is the effort to try a waste of time if one is uncomfortable with the trying bit? Are we too much self-involved to just swallow some of the selfishness and realize that it's not all about 'me' or is that causing too much needless suffering? Is this why relationships don't last any longer and divorce is on the rise? Are two people capable of really dedicating themselves wholly to each other, which means all the pain, baggage, crippling hang-ups, etc? Have we been fed too many story book endings that brainwash us on the unrealistic ideals of relationships and true loves? Are we meant to be monogamous or have humans truely evolved into the disposal society so much so that we trade partners for more efficient, user friendly ones?

Are any of us really ready for any relationship of any kind?

Crazy is as Crazy does

I love my Angus' voice. It wakes me from a reverie of blue sadness almost instantly. I don't know if this is what songwriters croon about in love songs but it makes sense to me. There is a comfort and cradling understanding in his tone...even his angry ones. I can't live without them.

Wanna know a secret? When I'm feeling lonely for him...during those moments I'm separated from him...I play the messages he leaves me on my machine. I know. I know. It's crazy. It's very Glenn Close-like but I feel so much lighter. Hearing him say my name or call me the pet names that he uses, centers me. Is it healthy to care about a person this much? How much, you ask? Enough to anticipate having him in my life for decades upon decades?

It's scary. I've been acting so counter-intuitively. I've become so dependent on learned behavior. NEGATIVE learned behavior that it itches to go against what I want, which is to just stop the fighting and just enjoy the relationship.

sigh.....I'm chicken shit, and not the kind that has already dried and you can flick off the clapboards with a stick. I'm talking about the runny, green oozy kind that was just had. The kind you accidentally put your hand into whilst trying to climb over the fence posts to get to the other side of the farm sort of chicken poop. Yeah! That's me, icky chicken doo-doo girl.

So, how do I just go with the flow and try to trust my instincts? The good ones? Damn, if love and relationships aren't hard. Am I the only one that doesn't know how to deal with them correctly?! Is there a manual that you all bought at the store or something that I missed seeing the advertisement for in the Sunday paper? Was I given the out-of-date one that you find at a flea market, marked up and missing page 23, where it explains IT ALL?! I just don't know what I'm doing.

I know this: a) I love the guy. b) He is the shit! c) I'll do my damnedest not to foul this up. d) I hate making lists like this...not me at all.

Advice. Please. Those that know me....tell me! Before I muck up.

Wanted: Muse

Eck! Itching to write something or be creative in some way. I need a jumpstart. Help!

Before the Clock

Been waking up before alarms for days now. Way too early for no good reason. Probably the lack of medication stabilizing the insomnia as well as the moods.

Nightmares about my relationship in every freakin dream. Makes me anxious when I wake. Eh! Doesn't make any encounter with me easy to traverse.

You know I insult myself entirely too often...no surprise, I know. But I'm trying to logically get through undoing that. How do you realize that if you are graciously in the presence of people you love and held in regard by those spectacular people, that you must have something about you too?! Why the hell would the best stick around in your life if there wasn't some glow to who you are? Right? Am I right?! Trying to remember that. Trying to rationalize the good self image I need to have.

sigh....

I am so tired. May go back to bed for a little bit after taking Em to school. Am supposed to head to mom's shop to help her and do my laundry there (still haven't explained the whole fire department thing). Just not in the mood. Would rather stay home, clean a bit. Go watch Syriana or Munich. THEN perhaps stop by her shop and help her.

But right now, I just want to lay in bed cuddled in arms and told repeatedly that I am loved.

Not too much to ask.

Enveloped

Almost There

Spiraling Down

Fear

Taking Hold

Shame

Feeling IT

Welcoming

Depression's Face

Quiet...at first

The Beginning

Sometime in December or November, I photographed myself during a depressive episode. I was in bed as I usually find myself during my bleak moments, with ViviCam in hand. The following eleven are just slivers of that moment.

Depression is ugly for me. I don't like what I look like as is but when I am depressed....I am at my worse. I wasn't sure if I should share these because frankly, I cringe looking at my face. But here I am in all my full sepia-colored glory.

Don't know if I am showing anything of value to anyone else...but revealing my depressive side is not a light-hearted thing for me.

The Series

I added The ViviCam as a link in the Vagabond Group on my sidebar, and also just finished uploading new photos to the album. They are not a pretty sight, being photos from a recent bout of depression. I had debated posting them but since the depression has returned, I imagine they are timely.

I stopped taking my medication, purposely days ago. Many reasons why. I haven't seem to care about aspects of my life. I was functioning too much. I don't know how to explain that other than I missed parts of me that defined me. I just started reading again because I care to and want to and need to. I want to write again instead of feeling like I have no time or need. I've become mediocre in bits of my personality that depresses me.

I've also wanted to harm myself in the worse possible way: severing my relationship with the most important man in my life. Felt like I couldn't do that without being crazy to the fullest. Hence, no drugs. I don't know why that sounds logical. It doesn't. But I was feeling like I couldn't end what would potentially end anyways without the good ol' depressive "I HATE MYSELF" stage.

sigh....I am crazy.

Yes, I'm going back on the meds. I am making life miserable for those around me. I can't bear to lose my future. I've worked too hard. I just am not sure if there is a place I can be that I have all of me with no compromise and still be good for those important in my life.

Would I be this difficult to deal with if it were some physical disability to my body, love? I am sorry for what I put you through.

So, anyways.....series of photos are here.

Nope. Still Nothing.

Changed my mind about posting. Was going to review how the last couple of days have been including my little incident with the fire department, but I'm just not in the mood still.

Joyous 2006 to You and Yours!

May this new year bring you the joy you deserve, the patience to endure the rough spots, the laughter to celebrate the good and ease the not so good, the tears to cleanse and begin again, and the wisdom to know that you are a magnificent creature that can start anew at any time. Remember: you've come this far. You've earned that name of yours in this world. And it is never to late...you're never too old....you're never too anything to add dimension to who you are.

Happy New Year, Everyone!

Peace. Love. Contentment.