"Just Sit Back and Enjoy the Ride"

I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me! I have an inkling that it's just the horrific way that I view the world in relation to me and how I consider myself the trash juice that sits and stinks up the can beneath the bag....but still, what's wrong with me?

Why can't I just accept what I have in life and be happy? I have more than I can imagine and yet I insist on trying to force more into what's not. More meaning behind words. More tragedy behind moments. More drama. More histrionics. And in the process of putting more weight behind what I shouldn't, I'm minimizing what is downright heavy with trueness.

I am so fucked up. I am truely incapable of a relationship of any kind. Friendships, Mother-child, romantic....the lot.

I just want to stop jumping ahead and enjoy the now before I screw up and push away. I want to be happy. And yet, I feel that I am nothing and have nothing to give. Where I stand, I feel, there are so many better people capable of giving what I give. And that is so sad.

I am unhappy with myself. I am unhappy with what I am not and what I am. I am angry at myself for wanting more than I have and wanting more of myself. I am greedy. And I feel like both the child throwing a tantrum to get what she wants and the parent reprimanding her.

God, I want to be better. I want to be beautiful. I want to be talented. I want to be constantly uplifting. I want to be dedicated. I want to be more.