Debbie Downer

Do you watch SNL? And do you know the character Debbie Downer? Yeah, that's how I am right now. I think I warned all that my goody feelings months ago wasn't going to last forever.

Here's the thing: I'm in love with this man. He is the man I had hoped (and still hope) to spend several eternities with. And all was going well at the beginning. Now, they seem to be falling apart. Emotionally, I'm tied to the guy. God, I am so tied to him. He's my best friend. He's the person I've told my darkest secrets to....the ones you keep to yourself and think you'll take to the grave....and he still said he loved me. I feel exceptionally beautiful and talented and intelligent and witty and....just the most amazing person. And not because of some fluffed up speak he rumbles in my ear. BUT because he stops the shit that flows from my mouth about myself and that flows through my brain. He calms me. He soothes my spirit and challenges my soul. He's family to me.

And he suffers. And I can't seem to do anything for him. I want so much for his life to be happier. I want him to recognize the amazing man that he is. I want him to let me bear his weight and problems and all that he is. Instead of giving him what he needs and wants, I've become someone he has to reassure...so it seems. And I know that tires him.

I hate that it seems he needs to energize himself in order to be with me. Do I drain him? Am I an emotional vampire? God, that scares me. I just want to be normal. I want to be this beautiful, graceful, strong woman unmarred and eloquent. I want him to feel I am home for him.

But....it's just not what it was. How do I reverse this? How do I alter the direction we are going in so I don't lose him? I feel like some crazed woman obsessed with a man. Eh! But how does one deal with their soul mate separating from them? I don't want to go through this. I just don't. I'm trying to be optimistic and just give him space. I don't tell him what's going on anymore because I feel I'm stressing him and worrying him and he doesn't need that. I try not to push....but I'm aching without him.

I've waited for this man to come into my life. I had never been so sure about a relationship when I met someone until him. I knew he was mine before he claimed me. And now....I'm scared I've made a mistake. Now I'm reprimanding myself for being so emotionally intimate with him because perhaps we were kidding ourselves. I don't know. I do know I'm lost without him. And I feel parts of me dying because of this distance now between us.

God, I feel like such a drama queen. But, I'm depressed for so many reasons now but my relationship-in-limbo was that huge explosion I needed to be completely fucked in the head.

What do I do?