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42 posts from March 2006

31 March 2006

Sleep. My Enemy, My Friend

I don't sleep well at all. And all I want to do is sleep, all the time. I can fall to sleep within minutes if given a chance. I can probably sleep forever. But when I do sleep, I dream. I sleep with my ears awake, my mind playing sentinel, and my conscious aware of all. It's not restful sleep.

I am so tired....always so tired. My depression wants me to sleep more, and sometimes I give in to the demands.

Maybe when we are dead, it's just a sleep. We sleep ages upon ages not knowing we are decaying but it's the best sleep. God, wouldn't that be a nice reward? To be able to sleep, and sleep well.

I dreamed of him nearly the whole night. What a fucked up sleep! My unconscious is crying out to me wanting to do something for this lack of him. Bloody freaking hell! What am I suppose to do?!

I'm going to bed for a couple more hours. I have so much to do today but I just don't care. I want to sleep.

30 March 2006

Debbie Downer

Do you watch SNL? And do you know the character Debbie Downer? Yeah, that's how I am right now. I think I warned all that my goody feelings months ago wasn't going to last forever.

Here's the thing: I'm in love with this man. He is the man I had hoped (and still hope) to spend several eternities with. And all was going well at the beginning. Now, they seem to be falling apart. Emotionally, I'm tied to the guy. God, I am so tied to him. He's my best friend. He's the person I've told my darkest secrets to....the ones you keep to yourself and think you'll take to the grave....and he still said he loved me. I feel exceptionally beautiful and talented and intelligent and witty and....just the most amazing person. And not because of some fluffed up speak he rumbles in my ear. BUT because he stops the shit that flows from my mouth about myself and that flows through my brain. He calms me. He soothes my spirit and challenges my soul. He's family to me.

And he suffers. And I can't seem to do anything for him. I want so much for his life to be happier. I want him to recognize the amazing man that he is. I want him to let me bear his weight and problems and all that he is. Instead of giving him what he needs and wants, I've become someone he has to reassure...so it seems. And I know that tires him.

I hate that it seems he needs to energize himself in order to be with me. Do I drain him? Am I an emotional vampire? God, that scares me. I just want to be normal. I want to be this beautiful, graceful, strong woman unmarred and eloquent. I want him to feel I am home for him.

But....it's just not what it was. How do I reverse this? How do I alter the direction we are going in so I don't lose him? I feel like some crazed woman obsessed with a man. Eh! But how does one deal with their soul mate separating from them? I don't want to go through this. I just don't. I'm trying to be optimistic and just give him space. I don't tell him what's going on anymore because I feel I'm stressing him and worrying him and he doesn't need that. I try not to push....but I'm aching without him.

I've waited for this man to come into my life. I had never been so sure about a relationship when I met someone until him. I knew he was mine before he claimed me. And now....I'm scared I've made a mistake. Now I'm reprimanding myself for being so emotionally intimate with him because perhaps we were kidding ourselves. I don't know. I do know I'm lost without him. And I feel parts of me dying because of this distance now between us.

God, I feel like such a drama queen. But, I'm depressed for so many reasons now but my relationship-in-limbo was that huge explosion I needed to be completely fucked in the head.

What do I do?

29 March 2006

Watching and Enjoying

Rift
I can't wait until season two's dvd set comes out.

28 March 2006

untitled tonight

I was scheduled to work tonight. I actually made it there, although I was fifteen minutes late. I was there for fifteen minutes when I couldn't do it any longer. I told the other managers that I didn't feel well and asked to be excused. Came home.

When things get this bad, I don't want to be around anyone. I just want to find myself surrounded by my own familiar space or among complete strangers. I can't stand being with people who know me. I much prefer if I have to be near others to be unknown and faceless among a sea of faces. The sweetest would be absolutely alone. Perhaps covered in water. I take LOTS of showers when I'm like this because I wish I were swimming in a pool and I can't do that.

i am flat

Working through my depression by myself. Don't....won't....rely on people anymore.

Yesterday, I was filling my nearly flat tire before picking Em up from school. I heard a strange whistling sound but wasn't sure if was noise from the air hose. Suddenly, the tire exploded and both of my ears were rattled. A stupid ass man was walking into the store when he saw what happened, and he laughed at me and the exploding tire before going in. I was working on changing the tire when he returned and asked me if I needed help.

No. I don't need help. I've been going it alone for quite some time now. I'm quite capable of taking care of myself especially when those offering find my life amusing, entertaining, and absurd.

Em is going out of town this weekend with my mother for my older nephew's birthday in Tennessee. I'm glad to be alone.

27 March 2006

Veruca

Veruca2This cat is the shit. She's a mean little snot who likes her own space and her own way. But when she loves you, she loves you hard.....usually still at a distance.

Smothered

Beth and I were reading the old letters we had written each other in the eighties and nineties when we came across one that took my breath away. I had forgotten about the incident until the other night and asked my mother about it to make sure I hadn't made it up.

When I was a babe, my natural father tried to smother me to death with a pillow. My mother stopped him from killing me and slept with me in the crib from then on.

...

I had repressed the memory of discovering that bit of information from my mother. I vaguely remember her telling to it me now but only because I was reminded by a letter I had written to a friend. Like I said, I asked my mother today if it was true. If it wasn't something I had made up or something she had thrown at me in the heat of an arguement (thought I didn't say that last part to her).

When I was silent, she said that it bothered me.

It does. I always feel unwanted in this world. I feel like a novelty until someone has grown bored of me or I become too much. Those who say they love me seem to grow tired of who I really am. I'm always an exaggeration of what makes people comfortable.

Too many times in my life, I've escaped death but for what reason? I've accomplished only one thing worth anything and that's create Em. But as a mother, I suck. Like the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, she's tired of me too. I feel always 'just here' and 'ok' and very much loud, obnoxious, demanding, emotional, and invisible.

How can one be invisible yet be extremely loud in life?

I need to be comforted. I want my love to comfort me but I drain him. I feel so bad about that. I just withdraw now and say I'm ok. He stopped reading a long time ago so I know I'm ok writing this. He has his life and we've gone back to some strange limbo. Guess that's how it's suppose to be. I can't blame him that's why I'm not angry at him or say nothing to him. He has life and I'm a hindrance.

I hate that I use to stir him and now scare him. I hate that I can't just love someone and be 'ok' with it all. I hate that I want to do more for him and can't. I hate that I'm not stronger for him and that I need comforting. I hate that I've been unwanted and unclaimed since I was a babe and that I WILL end up killing myself one day because I can't stand this life I live. So many times I've escaped death...and I shouldn't have.

26 March 2006

I've Gone Blind

Dreams last night were EXTREMELY erotic but at the same time very disturbing. Eh! Don't know whether to scour my brain with an S.O.S. pad or write it down for Literotica.com.

25 March 2006

Veni, Creator Spiritus

attributed to Rabanus Maurus

Veni, Creator Spiritus,
mentes tuorum visita,
imple superna gratia
quae tu creasti pectora.

Qui diceris Paraclitus,
altissimi donum Dei,
fons vivus, ignis, caritas,
et spiritalis unctio.

Tu, septiformis munere,
digitus paternae dexterae,
Tu rite promissum Patris,
sermone ditans guttura.

Accende lumen sensibus:
infunde amorem cordibus:
infirma nostri corporis
virtute firmans perpeti.

Hostem repellas longius,
pacemque dones protinus:
ductore sic te praevio
vitemus omne noxium.

Per te sciamus da Patrem,
noscamus atque Filium;
Teque utriusque Spiritum
credamus omni tempore.

Deo Patri sit gloria,
et Filio, qui a mortuis
surrexit, ac Paraclito,
in saeculorum saecula.

Amen.

24 March 2006

Gimme a cookie, Damnit!

I am depressed. I feel like a nag to the man I love. I feel unwanted. I just ate a box of Lemon Pastry Girl Scout Cookies and I don't think the end of my feeding frenzy is over yet....I am the shark in the ocean among the fat men trying to surf on Memorial Day weekend. Eh.

Sad and lonely.

There was another death in my family Tuesday. Will write about my Lolo later.

BookCrossing

A friend introduced the concept to me a couple of years ago but I never registered at BookCrossing; but now that I have this desparate need to clean my house of superflous items such as outgrown clothing, old toys, and unwanted books ("BLASPHEMY! Oh, villanous blasphemer. How doth thou speak such venomous untruths as 'unwanted book?!" RECANT! RECANT! RECANT! Or curses upon your household!").

                                       

The idea is simple: Read (or don't) books. Register said books at BookCrossing and mark them with a unique number. Release the little literary fiends into the wild so they can be caught and entertain others like the organ grinder's monkey. It's similar to the Where's George on the dollars in your pocket....iffin (that's right! I used 'iffin') you have 'em.

Would love for you to particpate in it. You'll find that a few of my Storytellers are already supporters of the concept....don't know why I didn't do it earlier (All the cool kids are doing it!). Actually, I do. I love books and have a difficult, asthma inducing, epileptic, conniption fit with the mere thought of losing a book....but it's time to get rid of things I don't want anymore.

Incidentally, I'm registered as VagabondSpirit (what else). Don't judge me by some of the titles on my list. I'm getting rid of some of these for a reason. I become the book bin for anyone who knows me. I mention I read and there you go. You won't believe how many Reader's Digest I have that I get because I just can't say no to an elderly neighbor that just wants to be kind and give me a book. (sigh) Others I just don't want to have in my own library.

(by the way, what is up with all the parenthesis today?)

Red Hen

I'm thinking of entering this poetry competition. What do you think? I am very, very shy about my writing. Love to share it. Embarrassed to actually read it aloud to someone else. Generally am proud of my own stuff but still don't think my pieces are spectacular enough to stand against others. Buuuuuut....still thinking of trying to enter my work.

22 March 2006

"Reason: General Asshattery"

Via the brilliantly sexy Murray at PlanetThoughtful, I provide you a link to Snubster. It's a bit asinine but can't say that I haven't been entertained. It's for all those little twits you would love to just make a list of and if given a chance to just filibuster our Congress, you would read all the idiots you encounter daily...like those people who seem to have received their driver's licenses at the county fair bumper cars turnstile or the yee-haws that insist on reacquainting themselves with their long lost half-brother's mechanic's lawyer on their reverend's brother's crack whore's dog groomer's side of the family, in the middle of the store aisles when all you wanted to do is run in for a quick second to buy a gallon of milk that is always stored in the back of the friggin building.....aggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

...

ahem

...

Yeah, um. So if you have a moment take a gander over there. It may be something you totally and completely can't relate to but I personally wouldn't know anything about that now, would I?

"You are the god and the weight of her world"

I miss my pop.

It's amazing that so much anger and pain can hurt for so very long. To hold grudges and want vengence. To want restitution for wrongs committed over so many years. The definition of you becomes bitterness  and cynicism because of all this emotional dysfunction.

But when this person...or one of the people who was the root of it....suddenly is removed from your life, my life, things are different.

It's gone. All of it. I don't think I can feel the anger towards my dad anymore. The fear or disappointment. The jealousy or any of it. I can think of a number of reasons why, but I just miss the man. Too much of missing him and worrying about what has become of him now to focus on our troubled past; and I don't want any more of the anger I had towards other people, namely my mother, either. It hasn't served me very well these thirty-three years past.

Carrie helped me a lot through my initial mourning of my dad's death. And something she said will stick with me to the end of my days. She told me that he now knows. He knows everything. He can love me without anything getting in the way. Never has a statement been more powerful in my life.

I've gone through life forcing my parents' identities on what God is. Religious definition of God being that he is our father. Unfortunately, many of us have less than ideal images of our parents. And our parents are but mere mortals, which we tend to forget until becoming parents ourselves.

My dad's death has tested so many 'truths' in my core, most of which I thought were inherent. I don't think we truely understand mortality until someone we see as part of the center of our universe....maybe not our sun but something big like a Jupiter....dies. And when mortality's visage comes in the form of sickness, those unrealistic truths crumble quickly.

But on the same token, I've been thinking. If my father sees me now for all that I am and can finally love me unconditionally. No more anger towards me. No more missed opportunities. No more awkward silences. No disappointments. Disagreements. None of those pesky ideals. If now he loves me for all of whom I am, than it's a fulfilling idea that a God loves me infinitely more.

My mortal life seems so much more significant suddenly to me.

Daughters by John Mayer

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
She's just like a maze
Where all the walls all continually change

I've done all I can
To stand on the steps with my heart in my hand
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers, who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too

Oh you see that skin
It's the same shes been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made

So fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers, who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too

Boys you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soilder on
But boys would be gone without warmth for a womans good, good heart

On behalf of every man, looking out for every girl
You are the god, and you are the weight of the world
On behalf of every man, looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

So fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers, who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too

21 March 2006

Mistaken

Seated at my desk, I wait for the words to flow as answers to my worries and questions. I hope for enlightenment and revelation that starves all my fears and doubts about my life. I pray for genius to strike my fingers like bolts of electricity. I want to hear the keyboard clatter beneath my fingertips and see the brahminic message of certainty appear on my computer screen...

I wish it were so simple. To ask for divine intervention in a life, I feel I've mis....lived? Mislived? Yes!

Mislived with acts of impulsive childishness.

Mislived with deeds left undone and promised for tomorrow.

Mislived with rash declarations and angry volitions.

Mislived with too much sadness and not enough joy.

Mislived with too many emotions and not enough logic.

To ask for divine intervention in a life....MY life....one that I've mislived and get the answers so calmly and so easily. My life decades over, I pray to an Unknown to interrupt this life of misliving; and I sit naively at my desk thinking the coherent words of what to do next will surface on my conscious and form beneath my fingertips.

For it to be so?! Mistaken, am I.

20 March 2006

They Are Coming!

So the EvaRers are coming. All my young ones I work with have found me online. My own damn fault. See. I hate MySpace but I have one. I have one because I have friends that use it and I want to comment on their entries and CAN'T unless I register. I hate journalling sites that suck you in like that. So...yes, I have a MySpace. And all the underlings use it at work. And I've been joking with them about their spaces. The race then began to find mine. Aha-ha ha ha ha. The little demons.

Logged into one of my email accounts...the one that I used to register with HellSpace. Lo and behold, a message from one of the teenagers. Removed the link to here. Nothing to censor here because it's who I am, but just need to have that separation of work and such.

If you've found me already and are already reading....welcome to the inside of my mind, my soul, and a bit of my life.

Pie's Eye View

File The Pie took this with my mobile. What she did to get the effect? Who knows. Quite cool though. Funny how I find things that she does.

16 March 2006

Nae and the Ides of March

Yeah, I forgot that Wednesday was that fateful Ceasar Day. No wonder I got a helluva beating on my face.

Last month, the waterbed in my spare room sprang a slow leak that I didn't notice for a week. When I finally felt the wet floor in the hallway, the bed was ruined. The pressed wood boards were swollen and moldy and very soft. I cleaned what I could and left them.

Well, I was cleaning the room today finally. I had already picked up the water when the leak had occurred. I had trashed the mattress but the wood was still in the room. In order to fit the pieces in my outside trash bin, I was breaking the wood. I was having no problem because the wood was still quite malleable. I picked up THE piece. The bitch piece that gives me goosebumps as I think of it. The piece that nearly killed me. And you think I exaggerate but I kid you not.

I was bending it to break it when the damn board ricocheted up and hit. The end of it. THE VERY END OF IT hit my temple. I felt I had been punched hard by a 500 pound muscular man with a rage problem. I stumbled backward. I almost passed out. My head cleared of all thought. I felt I had broken my jaw and my cheek. It took all my strength not to pass out or throw up.

My eye hurts to blink. Every now and then, I feel like I'm spinning. My face is swollen and numb. My ear feels stuffed. The cut on my temple stings. My head aches from my crown to my neck.My jaw aches. I feel like I've been in a fight.

Bruise

I probably should not have done what I did. Didn't think. Suffered the consequences. Boy, did I. The bruise is going to be ugly. I am a KLUTZ.

14 March 2006

Washer

Washer

13 March 2006

Two Decades of Friendship

When I was twelve, my father was transferred to Indianapolis during his Marine Corps career. It was an exciting duty station to all of us in the family because it was in a large city and close to our family in Wisconsin. There was Kentucky and something else as other choices but clearly we wanted Indiana. So, we moved just before I finished sixth grade. In literally hours of a drive, I went from attending an elementary school in Tennessee to being a middle school-er.

My father had scoped out Indy before we had moved. He was there weeks before we were, getting acquainted with his job as well as finding out about housing and schools. This wasn't going to be a normal base assignment. In fact, the nearest base was an army base, Ft. Benjamin Harrison, forty-five minutes away; and my father wasn't assigned there. But that's not what this is about....Just set up on how I met Betts (Hi, Beth!)

We moved to Pike Township at the suggestion of Beth's father, who I guess was my father's point of contact at work though they really didn't work together in all the years we were in Indy. And I guess because of Harold's suggestion to my dad (my pop liked as little decision making as possible), we moved into the same apartment complex and the same building.

The day I met Betts...I was unfolding curtains in the living room when she and her family entered the apartment. This short, blonde chick walked in....Now, I know Beth isn't going to get offended by calling her short because in comparison to me, most people in my life are short (I am related to a bunch of Filipinos). I'm 5'9" and have been for nearly most of my life. At that time I was probably only at 5'6" or so. If two people couldn't be more opposite than one another, it's Elizabeth Jane and me. Physically we are night and day. And at that time, I was the mad evil genius that fought constantly with parents and ended up committed in the mental hospital whilst my dear Beth was angelic and pure as the driven snow Bo Peep....Yeah, it was fun.

I think Beth's recollection of me goes something like this, "I thought you were the older sister or something. And you looked mean." (Yeah, I got that A LOT in my younger days. Now, everyone doesn't believe I can get pissed. Hmmm. I wonder what I've done wrong.)

So, we were thrown together because we were in the same grade, our fathers were literally in the only military parents in the entire township of rich suburbanites who had lived there for generations, and we lived in the same apartment complex. Sometimes, that's how friendships are formed. We had a couple of classes together including choir with a teacher that I swear came from Nazi Germany or was going through hormone replacement therapy (should middle-aged men go through hormone replacement therapy) and art with a teacher who couldn't get a grasp of the numerical ordering system of 1-10.

I hurt her feelings several times and she mine. We spent numerous sleepover nights with each other. We did the whole girly thing of secret names for each other and our enemies. She and her family were there when my brother was diagnosed with leukemia and when my dog of twelve years had to be put to sleep.

Then after three years, Beth moved to Camp Lejeune, North Carolina. Another duty station. So, the military goes. We wrote as friends do; and when I was in ninth grade, my father got his orders: Camp Lejeune. NEVER in my life had I ever had this happen.

When you make a friend as a military dependent, it is rare that you hear from them again. It's almost certain death to your friendship when you moved to your parent's next duty station. It's a tough life on dependent children. It takes a lot of hard work to keep any friendship going when you are changing as teenagers but when you aren't in close proximity of each other, it's difficult. It can happen but rarely. If you have a childhood friend, chances are you lived near them nearly your entire childhood.

Camp Lejeune proved a real growing ground for the both of us. I think our friendship sealed itself because of my mental issues and family problems. On my first drive through town with Beth and her mother, we passed the area where Brynn Marr was located. Beth said something to the effect, "That's where the crazy hospital is." Little did any of us know that I would visit it twice before leaving North Carolina.

We lived through a lot there including my suicide attempt and a classmate drowning. We snuck peeks at her parents' soft porns and suffered through heartaches. Then our fathers retired. First mine. My last day was our junior prom and we stayed out at the beach after it was over. And when the day was done, my family said good-bye to hers and we moved to Tennessee. Her family eventually moved back to her home state of Missouri.

Now....we kept in touch. I went to her high school graduation. She visited me. We talked. I went to college. She went to dental assisting school. THEN THE INTERESTING STUFF. She got pregnant and months afterward...so did I. Our children are only months apart and like us, they are different physically. Her son is this blonde child whilst my giant of girl is dark hair and dark skinned.

When our children were not quite two, Em and I moved to Missouri to try something new. We moved into the home of Beth and her family. It lasted a month. And for a few years after that month, Beth and I were not friends. It's done. It's over with. Those years are behind us and with a phone call to Betts, we reacquainted ourselves.

It's been a while....almost nine years but we are finally going to see each other again. Beth and her kid (and her step-brother) are heading this way. They're spending some days here in Pcola. I am still amazed at how long we have been friends. TWENTY ONE YEARS! I am stunned at that. I know there are those of you out there that have friendships that have lasted longer than that. I commend you. I do. But ask a military brat who they still keep in touch with. Carrie knows. It doesn't happen like that. It just doesn't.

Unused

Carts

12 March 2006

The Wheel

Wheel

All That...and a Bag of Chips

Customer service at my job generally involves irate people....or unsuspecting people who suddenly turn irate after having a chat with me. My COD tonight was not lacking in the iratacy (look, Carrie. I made up a word! If you see it on the news, I get all rights to the founding of it. *wink*)

If you've been to the movies, then you know you've spent a month's worth of grocery money at the concession stand. Yes, the goodies are expensive. Clue, folks....we make no money at the box office. Movie companies stay open because of concessions. Thank you for feeding my child and me. And in order to get the most out of our customers, we don't allow outside food and drink. HELLO?! Makes sense right?

This evening one of our concessionists was serving a couple when I noticed the female had brought in a cup from another establishment. I waited for my staffer to say something the entire time she assisted them with their order of nachos. As the couple paid, it was evident nothing was going to be said to them so I spoke up.

"Excuse me ma'am. I don't know if she mentioned it but we don't allow outside food and drink."

She said, "It's just water."

"I'm sorry. We still can't allow you to bring it in."

"Not even water?"

"No ma'am. Unless there are dietary restrictions, we don't allow outside food or drink. We can throw it away for you."

"This is my cup. I brought it."

"Well, it's our policy."

During the entire exchange, her male companion crossed his arms and just stared at me. He gave this look that he was going to kick my ass. Oooo, the look of anger. How fierce it can be! If you don't know me, realize that I'm not thwarted by such looks. My mother can give sterner looks than any one person I know. The kiss of death, her looks say. So, some anonymous male is not going to scare me one bit. I just looked him right in the eyes the duration of the conversation.

They walked away with her mumbling her little curses about me. I can see them whisper to each other and I thought for a moment by the look of their body language they may just go down the hall towards their movie anyways in spite of me. After a few more words between each other, the woman walked to one of the officers of the night and said something and pointed to her cup. He nodded and she walked out of the door....presumably to put it in her car.

Not even twenty minutes later, one of the other concessionists approached me and said that he received a customer complaint about me. A woman was upset because I had made her get rid of her water. His words of what she said?

"I guess she's the manager and thinks she's all that!"

And his response? "Yes, ma'am. She is."

11 March 2006

Cart

Cart

10 March 2006

Get Behind Me, Satan

I received in the mail today a business size envelope addressed as such:

To the Family of Steven S
c/o Naomi
...
Pensacola,. blah blah blah

The return address was Arkansas and the postmark stamp was Memphis. Perhaps a condolescence letter from someone who knew Pop?

HELL FUCKING NO!

Hello:
    My name is Valerie C. (I debated including her entire last name but I decided that would be entirely too unkind of me especially since I will be writing Ms. Valerie back and letting her know what I think of her.) I'm a Bible student, and I understand your sorrow and distress in the recent death of your loved one. I'm writing you because I have some good news to share with you regarding your loss.
    Did you know the Bible promises us that we will have the opportunity to see our dead loved ones again? Turn in your copy of the Bible to John 5:28, 29. Here, Jesus Christ says, that "everyone in the memorial tomb (or grave), will hear his (Jesus) voice and come out".
    Yes, the wonderful promise of a resurrection of all those who have fallen asleep in death. Acts 24:15
    In addition to that, Jehovah God has promised obedient mankind at Revelation 21:1-4, that soon "pain, sickeness and yes, even death will be done away with". Why? Because we read at 1John 4:8, that "God is love".
    I hope these few lines have brought you some comfort.
    I urge you to seek out one of Jehovah's Witnesses in your area to further explain these wonderful provisions that Jehovah God has in store for mankind.

Thank you for your time.

Ok. Who the hell is this chick?! Oh...and included in the letter was a tract about heaven and shit.  Is this how some Christians minister now?  They troll about the obituaries and funeral parlors? They scope out the guest books of the decease and just send out form letters to every person who seems related to the descedent? I'm fucking apalled. I'm annoyed. I'm pissed.

I don't need Valerie's idea of Christ if it involves intruding on a family's grieving time in this way. This doesn't give me comfort..to be bitch-slapped with Christianity.

The clergy that performed my father's service did the same exact thing. He tried saving the audience with my father's casket up front between two Marines. He went on and on about how it would be a loving tribute to Steve if we dedicated our lives to Christ right then and there. Are we ready for God if our time came unexpectedly? He asked us, mourners to pray a sinners' prayer. And when those who did finished, he asked those to raise their hands if they did it. He blessed those who prayed. WHAT ABOUT THOSE WHO DIDN'T PRAY?! Aren't those the ones who need saving more? Aren't those the ones who need more blessings? Fire and brimstone and salvation instead of what we were truely there for.....MY DEAD FATHER!!!!

I can't stand people like these two. It's no longer about trying to console the grieving. It's not about really teaching them about a God. It's about scaring them. About adding numbers to the masses. It's a Ford assembly line of mass produced Christians.

You don't even know how angry this letter has made me. The amount of vile putrid anger I have right now for this anonymous bitch. YES! I'M BEING CRUEL! I see her as tiresome as ambulance chasing lawyers. And those Christians who are true Christians? Those religious followers that are devoted and lovely and true to their beliefs, Christian and non-Christian alike, are soiled because of this heathen!

I hope she gets toe fungus!

Remorse at the Red Altar

On occasions, she found the taste of blood remorseful.

Remorseful? She once asked herself. How can I find such sadness in what gives us all life? Especially me.

Her life as priestess and soothsayer for her tribe was far from the dismal world of remorse. She lived in luxury. She was carried every where and her feet touched nothing but the sacred grounds surrounding the Red Altar, which was stained red from the sacrifice of so many tribesmen and women of a century past. She was always given the most succulent fruit of the trees and the tenderest meats of the hunters' kill. A myriad of men and women of her choosing satisfied her body’s desires. And she was always respected and feared.

So, why did she find these sacrifices of flesh and blood sad? She never questioned the need to protect her people from the spirits' foul tempers and jealous ways. Many children had died from the hot, shaking fevers when the sacrifice was unsatisfactory. Women came home with little or no meat when the Chosen One had not been of the right season; and the warring tribes of the seas claimed the lives of many more men when the Red Altar was void of warm red liquid.

Sacrifice meant life to her tribe. And the wise woman of the tribe understood sacrifice. She had inherited her holy order at an age when most children dream with complete abandon and yet, she watched in horror, as her mother became the sacrifice at the Red Altar that initiated her as priestess and vessel of the spirits. She choked back tears as the elderly women of her tribe raised the wooden bowl filled with her mother's blood to her lips to drink. She knew sacrifice as she watched her acolytes discard her mother's lifeless body over the cliff onto the heavily forested floor below. She was orphaned and ordained in one day. She knew sacrifice.

And she knew the sadness that seemed to stir the blood she tasted on her tongue with each sacrifice. She saw eyes filled with fear and duty suddenly stop moving as the heartbeat pulsed out of the body in rivers of red into that same wooden bowl. The remorse that overpowered the thick heat and saltiness of the Chosen One's blood. How she wished she was removed from her own body then. Let the spirits use her to enjoy this sport. She longed for the blissful ignorance of trances and possession. But no, she was acutely aware at each season's gift.

And there was remorse.

09 March 2006

Bench

Bench

Deserted

Long_shot2

08 March 2006

Empty

Empty

Breaking My Bank

One of my co-workers is getting married next month. And well, her sister who is the maid of honor did a horrific job of giving her a bridal shower. B's shower was this past Saturday and included only her sister, mother, future mother-in-law and herself, and I think one other guest. An hour before the party, her sister tells her, "Oh! I forgot to buy gifts for everyone. Here's $20. Go to the Dollar Store and get some." Then later also tells B that she didn't get her anything. Understandably, she's upset.

I was invited to said party. I was going to go to said party but upsetting things happened that weekend that involved Em that kept me from attending. When I heard about all this, I decided to do something for B. I talked to the other co-workers and we decided to take her to lunch. Surprise her with lunch and a cake and such. My idea so I've volunteered to pay for her lunch. AND I purchased the cake with a snapshot of her and the fiancee on the top....no problem.

Here's where I run into problems and where I think all of us who are invited to weddings do. When invited to all of the social gatherings for the bride and groom that involved taking a gift, what do you do? I'm invited to the wedding. Gift, of course. I'm invited to the Passion Party, which will include giving up ten dollars in a basket towards B's purchases. I'm giving this impromptu Bridal luncheon which I'm paying for B's and my own lunch and the cake and to which others will surely bring a gift. SO do I? I mean, I look selfish not bringing a gift. BUT hell, weddings are so damn expensive for the guests as well.

When my sister got married, she racked up. Damn, did she! And I'm sure if I get married (and believe me....every single one of you will know about it), I will want the booty as well. But at what point do we stop the insanity (thank you Susan Powter)? What are the social graces on wedding gift giving? Guess I need to find out. For now, I have to get ready.

07 March 2006

Coin Slots

Coin2

06 March 2006

My Checkered Past

Floor

05 March 2006

Understand that...

...I want so much to ease your pain.

Wall

Wall

04 March 2006

Privacy Please

Stall

A Couple of Loads

Because of the lack of a dryer in the house still, I have to visit a laundry every once in a while. Passing the time, I took some pics. They are up at The Vivicam. I had my new phone with me and sent one earlier.

Spinning

Spinning

03 March 2006

Playing around

Playing around

Waiting

Waiting

02 March 2006

Father Wish by Emmaline

I look thru Em's backpack regularly. Sometimes she forgets to share something with me. Other times, I'm looking for notes from school. And infrequently, I am being the parent who wants to remind the child that I will keep you safe and I will follow you if I think you are up to no good.

On this occassion, I was getting the application for the middle school we are trying to get her into; and I ran across a writing assignment that gives me insight into what my child is thinking at times. Going to share.

    If I had a father figure in my life, we oculd ahve the same interests, he would be nice to me and my mom, and he would stay with me and my mom.
    First of all, he would have the same interests as me. For example, we would be in his car when our favorite song came on the radio ("Teenagers from Mars" by the Network). We would scream at the top of our lungs "Teenagers from Mars and we don't care!" When we would be done, the people in other cars would be staring at us like we were crazy! All we would do is wave and smile.
    My father figure would play the bass guitar. It would have stickers on it that said things like "It's not the end of the world because it's already tomorrow in Australia." It would be covered in so many stickers you wouldn't even know the color of it. I play guitar too so we would rock out in our mini-band.
    Going on, he would be nice to me and my mom. He would buy us whatever we wanted. For instance, if my mom wanted a new pack of apple cobbler scented candles, ^POOF* there they would be. If I wanted a new collection of CDs and a PS2 game, *POOF* there they would be. He would let us do whatever we wanted to his car. We could turn his ruby red car to midnight black. But most importantly, he would say he loved us every day.
    Finally, he would stay with me and my mom no matter what. Even if my mom lost her job, he would help her through and help her find another one. He would stay at home if my mom was closing the EvaR. He would love us no matter what we did.
    In the end, if I had a father figure in my life, we would have the same interests, he would be nice to me and my mom, and he would stay with us no matter what.

Wow. What can I say? Em and I talk about her feelings about not having a dad often. She's always missed having that male person in her life. When she was younger, she mourned not having a father. It would kill me each time I heard her sob so hard about not having a daddy. I've tried to explain that if she never has a father in her life, that doesn't make her any less of a person. It only means that she doesn't have a father in her life. She didn't do anything bad. She didn't 'not try' hard enough. She was and is not lacking in any way that keeps her from having a man claim title as her father. Em has been very mature about it all....Yet, I know she gets upset. I know she makes wishes and prayers. I know she cries.

I don't know what to say. The only person seeming to fail at getting her dad in this situation is me. And in order for my Pie to have a man do the things she wants in her life, I have to have a man want me bad enough....and I just don't think I'm of that caliber to be claimed as someone's wife or life partner or whatever.

God, that's an awful feeling...not being able to fulfill this want and need in my child's life. If I could find someone who wants to be her father figure and not have any responsibility to me, wonderful. Unfortunately, I'm the middle man and we're just S.O.L. because it just doesn't happen that way. There are no other male figures in her life. My brother has spent very little time with Em. The ratio of time together in relation to length of Em's life thus far? Not impressive. My father was the same way and now he is gone. And I've very few male friends that can impact Em's life.

What can I do?

My poor Pie.