Light and Darkness

Paddington and Pop

Cleaning for the arrival of Beth and her son later today and I found a toy my dad had bought Emma when she was a toddler, an interactive Paddington Bear. I cleaned the bear up, took out the old batteries so it won't have any battery acid problems destroying it, and set it upon the book shelf.

I think about the strangest things regarding his afterlife. Is he wondering about? Is he in "paradise" or "hell" for eternity? Or does he just lay dreaming buried feet beneath the surface not knowing he's dead?

I remember when Em would crawl onto his lounger. He would recline it and she would sit on the foot rest part. They would sit and watch a movie or football together.

I just miss him, you know.

I'm King of the World

Ok, This one's a bit harsh because I'm a little infuriated.. So tonight's COD is one that I encountered after leaving the ol' work place having just enjoyed a flick with daughter.

We have a space specifically saved for that one special person who does fantastic during the month. That employee that went beyond average each day. We reward them with a few things including prime parking.

Tonight there was a HUGE ASS SUV in it. One that cost a lot of money; and as I was leaving and walking down the steps I see the COD open the door for his lady friend. Walking to my car which was conveniently parked in the next row of spaces directly behind him, I say:

N: Excuse me sir. (I was trying to be polite because he was on his phone.) Sir, sorry. Excuse me.

COD: mumble mumble mumble (into the phone)

N: (in the politest, most un-threatening tone I could muster...and I meant it) I'm a manager here. You're ok now but just to let you know. This is the employee of the month space (pointing to the sign) and we can have your vehicle towed (said sign has a little image of a car being towed for space moochers) for parking here.(speaking to COD still talking into his phone)

COD: (automatic belligerence) Well, 11:40 at night and noone is parked here so obviously they're not working.

N: It doesn't matter, sir. We do screen movies late at night and he could come to that. We can still tow the car and you shouldn't park here.

COD: This is a big crock of fucking.....You can tow any car here. I'm a manager too in customer service.(obviously pissed and climbing into car).

N: (walking away thinking I'm done with mad man) Well, thank you, sir. Have a good evening.

COD: (not quite done with me) What's your name? This is fucking stupid.

N: (spells first and last names slowly so he can write it down) And my boss is (insert name here).  And our main phone line is (insert number here). You're more than welcome to call tomorrow.

COD: mumble mumble mumble

N: (certain I'm done now) Well, thank you. Have a good night.

COD: (sarcastically) And thank you for your friendly (stressed more sarcastically than the rest)
mumble mumble mumble

When he pulled out of his space, I was afraid I was going to get run over. Seriously. I've been threatened by vehicle before at a job I held. I don't know why people insist that I'm being a bitch. If I want to be a bitch, the conversation would have been ugly. REAL UGLY.

Two questions pop into my head: What company does he work the fuck for because I hope I never encounter his brand of customer service. Ladies and Gentleman, yes the customer is important but there has to be some guidelines in order for your business to being successful and run smoothly. If you don't take care of your employees, you're going to have some problems. Would you like to be the only person taking care of a crowd of a couple thousand people in a few hours time? I didn't think so. Some employee loyalty is imporant. And secondly, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?! that you had to get angry in a matter of two minutes? If God parked his ride there, I would have had the same conversation with him. IT'S NOT YOUR SPACE! Get over it. Apologize and MOVE THE FUCK ON!!!!

Seriously, what is going on with the world and her population? It's the "Entitlement Trend." That's what I've been saying to the others. People have this sense of entitlement. Am I excluding myself? Hell no! I'm just as moronic and selfish as the next human but I swear....there are those that you just want to sit down and have a good chat with. Those rude, careless, apathetic twits that feel noone else exists and they deserve everything....no complaints. Serve me and serve me now.

I encounter those every fucking day.

I spent so much money on gas to come to this movie. I'm the one who walked into the wrong auditorium and missed my movie....so what are you going to give me?

Really? This is something you really want me to answer truthfully because I like my job?

Incidentally, the time that this guy came to the movies was close to an hour after the start of mine. And I know when I arrived at 10:00 there was AMPLE parking in the front row. AMPLE. Yeah, don't give me that bullshit about 'well, that was when you arrived Nae.' Remember, I work there. I know the trends. I know what plays when and how long it's been out and what the crowds are like at the start of the last show. So, I know what the lot is going to look like. And even so, why park there? You couldn't walk a couple extra steps, guy? Why didn't you park in the motorcyle spaces we have reserved? Better yet, the handicapped? Had to choose this one, right? Because it's a good spot. Real good. Right? Sweet and close and just where you want it.

. . .

Selfish? Just a little bit, maybe?

Back from the Dead (or at least the pits of hell)

WHEW! I've not felt like writing. Reasons, of course. Then I've been sicker than I've been in a while. Today is the first day in a week that I actually have most of my body functions in working order. I have been battling a kidney infection that the doctor informed me on Tuesday could land me in hospital. Fevers in the 103-104 range. Aches, chills, muscle weakness (still weak), no appetite, severe dehydration, that feeling you've been kicked in the kidney, etc etc etc. ON TOP OF ALL THAT, I've been working.

I went to bed last night praying that I would feel at least 50% better. This morning. A MIRACLE! HALLELUJAH! There is a GOD!

I feel so much better.Like I said, still working on not feeling so weak. Eating is better in that my taste buds are alive and working properly (nothing including water tasted like it was supposed to) though after a couple of bites, I get a little nauseous. The feeling that my head is a pressurized can of soda in the July heat of the Florida sun....Yeah, that was a fun one but it's gone. Still some neck pain and a slight headache in my temple though. AND my body finally knows that being at a nice, healthy temperature is gooooooood. Mmmmm, it feels nice to be better than I was a couple of days ago.

I blame none else. It all started as a bladder infection last Tuesday that I thought I could flush from my system. I have limited funds and no more insurance (too much for Medicaid and no other insurance options). So...again, tried to flush. Lots of fluids and stuff for the pain. Well, then the pain started to spread into my back, my right flank, and the girly bits. Fever bombarded  my body and suddenly I dropped to almost a non-functioning person. Finally went to the doctor this past Tuesday with what I knew was a kidney infection and it was confirmed. One hundred eighty-five dollars and two days later, I'm feeling better.

My suggestion to any of you when you're condition is mild....go the doctor and get it over with before it gets worse. You would think I learned that lesson but this is more than the first time I've done this. Last time was when I had cellulitis in my face. Started off as a slight earache. Ignored it a couple of days. Then I woke up unable to hear and half my face swollen twice its size. Almost ended in hospital that time with IV antibiotics. Yeah....I'm a dumbass. BIG DUMBASS!

And yet, I still haven't learned. I am stubborn. I don't like doctors. I'm not one for meds. Generally, I'm poor.

Just need to try and remember this time.

Mini Reunion

My sister and her boys and my brother are in Pensacola for a bit. Jenn is here until Tuesday and Shawn until the end of the month. I haven't seen them since our father's funeral.

My brother is reminding me more and more of our father every day....and not the nice bits of him either. I may have mentioned that Pop came from the belief that children should be seen and not heard. And he had a tone that reminded us of that. Shawn has adopted the tone, the look, the belief (perhaps) that is definitely remniscent of our dad.

Jenn is Jenn. Beautiful as always. Perfect as always.

And our mother is peeing on herself for having her children in town....yes, I know I'm her child but it never fails that I become a second class citizen when the siblings are about. I am a very insecure person. No debate. The insecurity causes a lot of problems. You can ask The One if given a chance.

Anyways....glad to see them. Em is extremely excited to see her cousins. The anticipated arrival of them lifted her spirits a bit and actually being with them put pep in her step.

Genetic Lottery

I don't even know where to begin. A sense of guilt. Lots of fear. Weeping regret.

Emmaline told me a couple of days ago that she thinks of killing herself. Of slitting her wrists to just watch herself bleed and bleed and bleed.

I would dismiss this as teenage angst if it weren't for everything else in her life. She has been depressed like I've been depressed. Laying on the couch just staring ahead. Awake all night. Sleeps all day. Eating very little most days. Doesn't want friends. Doesn't want presents. Nothing.

I feel guilty because I work all the time. That on top of having made her this way. Please God, let it be her adolescence. Please God! I don't want her to have to go through a lifetime of this. Years of suffering through moods and feeling like crap and trying to fit in with normals. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! Please God, NO!

Also guilt trip here because she doesn't have the family I wish she had....two parents, siblings, involved grandparents, etc. I think she is so lonely. Is it because I'm maladjusted and needy and fucked up that she doesn't have a better life? If I were able to connect with people, perhaps she would have all the family she needs.

I am so afraid to leave her. To not be near her all the time. But what do I do? Do I take her everywhere I go? Forgo any social activities? I've been forcing her to come with me. It's been helping a bit but realistically I can't not work....we wouldn't survive without the little money I make now. I can't let us go without necessities. sigh......

I asked Mrs. Devine to help me and we got into it again. I can't even begin to describe the tift we had.

I hope this is because she's changing. I hope she doesn't have my life. I don't want her to be like me. PLEASE GOD! DON'T LET HER BE LIKE ME!

Spry at 80?

Go read this.

What can one say? So many questions. Where is he getting his product? Does he deal for a drug lord? How old is THAT guy? I can see how the Wal-mart greeters get their jobs but how does one go about getting into this second career?

A Little About Me

(Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)

                       

✓ I miss somebody right now.  (...so much that I feel I'm unravelling.)	✓ I don't watch much TV these days.  (But I do watch a helluva lot of movies.)	✓ I own lots of books.  (And want lots more.)
✓ I wear glasses or contact lenses.  (Both)	✓ I love to play video games.	✓ I've tried marijuana.  (The effect it has on me is a horrible hangover type feeling. Yuck!)
✓ I've watched porn movies.  (And I like them too.)	× I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.  (Am I one now?)	✓ I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
✓ I curse sometimes.  (Sometimes?)	✓ I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.  (Whether good or bad is a matter of opinion.)	× I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.

* * * * *

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

× I have broken someone's bones.	✓ I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.	× I hate the rain.
✓ I'm paranoid at times.	× I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.	✓ I need/want money right now.
✓ I love sushi.  (I would eat only sushi if I could.)	✓ I talk really, really fast.	× I have fresh breath in the morning.
× I have long hair.	× I have lost money in Las Vegas.	✓ I have at least one sibling.  (Two that I grew up with and three I know nothing about. All five are half siblings.)
✓ I was born in a country outside of the U.S.  (The Philippines...and I didn't become a citizen of the US until middle school.)	✓ I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.  (For plays and a wedding.)	× I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
× I like the way that I look.	✓ I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months.  (Generally about the state of me. Nothing else.)	✓ I am usually pessimistic.  (Usually about myself and my life.)
✓ I have a lot of mood swings.  (Definition of me is mood swing.)	✓ I think prostitution should be legalized.	✓ I slept with a roommate.
× I have a hidden talent.  (if I do, it's hidden from me too.)	× I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.	✓ I have a lot of friends.  (But close ones, no.)
✓ I have pecked someone of the same sex.  (To start)	✓ I enjoy talking on the phone.   (yeah, guess so.)	× I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
✓ I love to shop and/or window shop.  (But not for clothes for me.)	× I'm obsessed with my Xanga or Livejournal.	× I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
✓ I have a mobile phone.	× I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.	✓ I've rejected someone before.
✓ I currently like/love someone.  (LOVE)	✓ I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.	✓ I want to have children in the future.  (More children.)
✓ I have changed a diaper before.	✓ I've called the cops on a friend before.  (Not a friend but a mother.)	× I'm not allergic to anything.
✓ I have a lot to learn.	✓ I am shy around the opposite sex.	× I'm online 24/7, even as an away message.
× I have at least 5 away messages saved.	✓ I have tried alcohol or drugs before.	✓ I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past.
× I own the "South Park" movie.	× I have avoided assignments at work/school to be on Xanga or Livejournal.	✓ I enjoy some country music.
✓ I would die for my best friends.	✓ I'm obsessive, and often a perfectionist.	× I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
✓ I think Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.  (But that's only part of it.)	× I have dated a close friend's ex.	× I am happy at this moment.
× I'm obsessed with guys.	× Democrat.	× Republican.
✓ I don't even know what I am.	× I am punk rockish.	✓ I go for older guys/girls, not younger.
× I study for tests most of the time.	× I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met.	✓ I can work on a car.  (Not completely)
× I love my job(s).	× I am comfortable with who I am right now.	× I have more than just my ears pierced.
✓ I walk barefoot wherever I can.  (And my feet hate me.)	× I have jumped off a bridge.	✓ I love sea turtles.
× I spend ridiculous amounts of money on makeup.	✓ I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.	× I am proficient on a musical instrument.
✓ I hate office jobs.	× I went to college out of state.	✓ I am adopted.  (But only by one parent.)
× I am a pyro.	× I have thrown up from crying too much.	✓ I have been intentionally hurt by people that I loved.
× I fall for the worst people.	× I adore bright colours.	× I usually like covers better than originals.
✓ I hate chain theme restaurants like Applebees and TGIFridays.  (I eat at them though.)	✓ I can pick up things with my toes.  (since I was a child.)	× I can't whistle.
✓ I have ridden/owned a horse.	× I still have every journal I've ever written in.	✓ I talk in my sleep.
× I've often thought that I was born in the wrong century.	× I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.	× I wear a toe ring.
✓ I have a tattoo.	✓ I can't stand at LEAST one person that I work with.	× I am a caffeine junkie.
× I am completely tree-huggy spiritual, and I'm not ashamed at all.	× If I knew I would get away with it, I would commit at least one murder.	× I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical, the better.
× I enjoy a nice glass of wine with dinner.	✓ I'm an artist.  (But not a good one.)	× I am ambidextrous.
× I sleep with so many stuffed animals, I can hardly fit on my bed.	✓ If it weren't for having to see other people naked, I'd live in a nudist colony.  (This is a stupid sentence. I would live in a nudist colony and it doesn't bother me to see others naked.)	× I have terrible teeth.
× I hate my toes.	✓ I did this meme even though I wasn't tagged by the person who took it before me.	× I have more friends on the internet than in real life.
✓ I have lived in either three different states or countries.	✓ I am extremely flexible.  (Fat but flexible. You can ask my former physical therapists and doctors.)	× I love hugs more than kisses.
✓ I want to own my own business.	× I smoke.	✓ I spend way too much time on the computer than on anything else.
✓ Nobody has ever said I'm normal.	✓ Sad movies, games, and the like can cause a trickle of tears every now and then.  (commercials, songs, nose blowing, people hugglng, etc etc etc etc)	× I am proficient in the use of many types of firearms and combat weapons.
✓ I like the way women look in stylized men's suits.	✓ I don't like it when people are unpleased or seem unpleased with me.  (Is unpleased a word? Thought it was displeased. Yes? No?)	× I have been described as a dreamer or likely to have my head up in the clouds.
× I have played strip poker with someone else before.	✓ I have had emotional problems for which I have sought professional help.	✓ I believe in ghosts and the paranormal.
✓ I can't stand being alone.  (But I do need it sometimes to recoup.)	× I have at least one obsession at any given time.	× I weigh myself, pee/poo, and then weigh myself again.
× I consistently spend way too much money on obsessions-of-the-moment.	✓ I'm a judgmental asshole.  (My internal nag is.)	✓ I'm a HUGE drama-queen.
✓ I have travelled on more than one continent.  (Though I don't remember the Philippines.)	✓ I sometimes wish my father would just disappear.  (I did. And now that he is gone, it's something I wish I could undo.)	✓ I need people to tell me I'm good at something in order to feel that I am.  (It's called codependency.)
× I am a Libertarian.	✓ I can speak more than one language.  (not fluently though)	✓ I can fall asleep even if the whole room is as noisy as it can be.  (Because I am always tired. BUT I don't stay asleep for an extended period of time.)
✓ I would rather read than watch TV.	× I like reading fact more than fiction.	✓ I have pulled an all-nighter on an assignment I was given a month to do.  (Smart student but bad student, I was.)
× I have no piercings.	✓ I have spent the night in a train station or other public place.  (In a cell of  a military police station.)	× I have been so upset over my physical gender that I cried.
× I once spent Christmas completely alone because there was a miscommunication on which parent was supposed to have me that night.	✓ There have been times when I have wondered "Why was I born?" and may/may not have cried over it.	× I like most animals better than most people.
× I own a collection of retro games consoles.	× The thought of physical exercise makes me shiver.	× I have hit someone with a dead fish.
✓ I am compulsively honest.	× I was born with a congenital birth defect that has never been repaired.	× I have danced topless in front of dozens of complete strangers.
× I have gone from wishing I was a girl to revelling in being a boy to feeling like a girl again in the span of five minutes, and not cared a whit for my actual sex.	✓ I am unashamedly bisexual, and have different motivations for my desires for different genders.  (Hmmmm? Not a matter of shame. Not a matter of bisexual. BUT I have been attracted to both sexes with different motivations.)	× I sometimes won't sleep a whole night or eat a whole day because I forget to.
× I find it impossible to get to sleep without some kind of music on.	× I dislike milk.	× I obsessively wash my hands.
✓ I always carry something significant around with me.	× Sometimes I'd rather wear a wig in day-to-day life than use my own hair.	✓ I've pushed myself to become more self-aware and thereby more aware of others.
× Even though I live on my own I still cry sometimes because I miss my mother.	× I hand wrote all the HTML tags in this document.	✓ I've liked something which a majority of people claimed was either bad or weird.
× I have been clinically dead for a brief period of time.	✓ Instead of feeling sympathy/empathy with people and their problems, I simply become annoyed.  (Even though I consider myself very empathetic, there are those times I HATE listening to other people and their shit.)	× I participate/have participated in auto drag races and won.
× I do not 'get' most comedy acts.	✓ I don't think strippers are money-greedy or slutty for dancing.	× I don't like to chew gum.
× I am obsessed with history/historical things and can't wait for someone to build a time machine so I can be the first to use it.	× I can never remember for the life of me where I parked the car.	✓ I had the TEEN ANGST thing going for at least 2-3 years.
✓ I wish people would be more empathic and honest with each other.	× I play Dungeons and Dragons weekly.	✓ I love to sing.
× I want to live in my mother's basement when I grow up.	✓ I have a custom-built computer.	✓ I want to create a certain someone's babies, even though there's a 0% possiblity of ever achieving it.  (no comment.)
× I would be in a relationship with one of my pets if they were human.  (This is not healthy. I won't judge but if you are in this situation, put some clothes on and go out with some friends.)	✓ I've gone skinny-dipping.	✓ I've performed in three plays.  (more)
✓ I enjoy burritos.	× I'm Irish and loving it.  (Stupd sentence.)	✓ I have a thing for redheads.
× I am a twin!  (I am my own evil twin.)	✓ Most of the times, I'd rather do something intellectual instead of doing something generically 'fun'.	× Once I set out to finish something, I always stay at it until it is completed before I move on to something else.  (I wish.)
× I wish there were a way to erase past mistakes.  (I do and I don't. More that I wish I could make up for past mistakes.)	× I sleep more than 12 hours a day.	✓ I wish I could be prouder of what I've accomplished, but it's never enough.
× I need more time to myself.	× I wish I was more open-minded.	× I hope that I go really prematurely grey.
✓ I download songs from the internet.  (TAKES WAY TOO LONG on my pc though so it doesn't happen often.)	× I've just reenacted chapter 58 of Death Note with my best friend.	✓ I say random things to freak people out.
× I'm still a little mad about the ending of Death Note.  (What the hell is Death note?!)	✓ I love playing Truth or Dare.	× I love listening to slow music, but I hate singing to it.
× Music helps me remember that I am not alone.	× Playing my favorite sport makes me temporarily forget my problems.	✓ I think this survey is particularly long.
× I prefer my LJ friends to my real-life ones.	× I can only hate someone that I love.	× I've ordered an extra two shots of espresso to an Americano at Starbucks.

I miss him.

Moving is a possibility

I decided years ago when I first moved to Pensacola that I would not live here for an eternity....that would be my hell. But exactly, when Em and I would move became the question.

With my company, there are possibilities galore. The theater is a growing one with locations popping up every where; and it being a young company, there are always possibilities of moving up within it. So, I'm thinking of looking where Em and I can establish some new roots.

I'm doing pretty good here at this location. I am also the first to admit that I need a lot more experience and education to do it all, but I'm planning on now putting out the word with my general manager and previous GM that I'm interested in moving up and moving out. Possible locations will include northern theaters. I'd prefer the east coast so I can live near the water but a nice lake or river would suffice also. Em is looking for snow. She wants A LOT of snow.

Well, there is a theater opening in Pennsylvania in October (that's the latest opening date). It's location is central to many a thing like New York and Washington DC and a helluva lot more than what's here in Pcola. If the house sells, I get a portion of it according to Mrs. Devine, which would help as a good start to our new life. And if I move up, I would get moving costs.

I'm actually excited about expressing my views about moving. And I'm hoping I can learn more of what a salaried position does so that I can secure the job.

Excited.

I will keep all of you up to date.

Order Up: One lobotomy on Rye

Lobotomies were standard practice in the dark ages of psychology. Patients with extreme disorders were surgically healed. The frontal lobe was destroyed to various degrees in order to cure disturbed people (and disturbed ranged from homosexuality to schizophrenia to communism).

Apalling, hmmmm?

If you didn't die, your personality changed dramatically. Extremely emotional people became docile, infantile, and void of personality.

. . .

If I have to spend the rest of my life as me, which involves pushing people like The One away....I want one.

I want to hate him....and I can't.  I want to forget him....and I can't. I want to go back to years ago before him. Because I am feeling lousy without him. The only way I could feel worse in this world is not having Emma too.

I am being punished with this life.

Yes, bitch! I'm a drama queen.

sigh....

A Donald Trump

One of the less appealing duties of my job is terminating an employee, but sometimes it has to be done.There are those employees that I have no hesitation firing....someone being racist, homophobic, hostile, etc. And there are those that haven't really done any harm. They are nice enough people. Pleasant to work with. Kind and all around good people; but they just don't perform. Those are the ones that I always have a pang of guilt in my heart for firing. Those are the ones that give the most sorrowful puppy dog eyes. They sit quietly there in the chair just listening. Eh, it's not an easy thing to do.

Termination is generally a last resort unless an employee does a 'no call, no show' (if you do one of these, it's an automatic termination). I think we're pretty forgiving at our location and amongst our managers. You won't believe the number of chances we give employees. I have to admit that I think we are too lenient, but what can one do when your core work force are teenagers between the ages of 17 and 20 years old. Generally, this is the first job for most and I hold the belief that it's our responsibility to teach good work ethics....so perhaps, multiple 'chances' are a liability that we HAVE to include in our business doctrine. Throw that in with the general distaste that any of the managers have for terminating an employee and we have our situation at work. Id est, a bad employee may stick around way too long.

I am trying to be a bit more unsympathetic with it especially since the lack stellar work performances make my day rougher each time I work. I'm tired of picking of the slack and repeating myself on the simplest of tasks. I have entirely too many things to do for me to complete both my tasks and those of a 120+ employees. It shouldn't be that way. It's tiring and it makes for a grumpy and unsatisfied Naomi.

Still......firing someone. Eck! Have you ever?