I woke crying from a dream this morning.
I was impregnated by him and he was absolutely pissed with me for getting knocked up. It was obvious that he wasn't wanting responsibility for me or the child; and he was trying to convince me in a mean and menacing tone that I should abort the baby.
At the same time, my mother was criticizing me for allowing myself to get pregnant stating that I couldn't even take care of one kid so how was I going to be fit to raise another. I was told that I was irresponsible as a mother.
I was at work and trying to make a good decision for the child and even had myself convinced an abortion would be the right thing to do since I SUCK under no uncertain terms as every one was telling me. My belly was slightly swollen with child and I was cradling it in my hands trying to protect it from everyone including myself.
Then the worries that I would be out of work with noone to care for me if I had the baby so I would be without money and eventually out of a job; but the few people at work were ecstatic for me.
I was almost convinced that an abortion would be the best thing for the baby since she would have me for a mother. I was already ruining one child's life. But the entire time, I was trying to convince everyone that it was a good decision to let the baby live. I was trying to sway the man who supposedly loved me and I loved so much. Trying to convince my mother...and even Emma, who was on the fray of the dream but who I could tell was unhappy with my state.
I was the only one in the dream who felt the baby was important and beautiful and made with love but I felt selfish for wanting her to live because it would inconvenience every one else.