Light and Darkness

Springtime for Whom?

Em, Adrian (friend and fellow manager), and I saw The Producers at the Saenger Theatre tonight. Some of the cast members of the touring company came to the theater last night with their company manager. Talked to them a bit and landed some tickets to see the show. They caught a flick on us.

What a fantastic cast. They did a brilliant job. Voices were in good form. Energy amongst the actors was up and they played to the audience wonderfully. Such a good show. Em loves the movie and thought this cast did so much better.

Afterwards, we met the cast and they signed a playbill for Emmaline. What was great was that the actors that had gone to the movies had told the others about us. And they were so sweet and kind and just in great spirits. Good troupe, honestly. Held up their bus to say hi to Em and give autographs.

Check out their site and bios. See if they are playing in your town and show your love for the arts by checking out their show.

On This Day, I Say Thanks.

Honestly, this is probably one of the best holidays invented. I have so much and I'm not going to spend the next 2000+ words giving an elementary essay on what I'm thankful.Thanksgiving has become less traditional for me because my family doesn't celebrate it like it did before, but it explodes exponentially with the heart of what holidays should be. I mourn a bit over the loss of my childhood thanksgiving traditions; but as I get older, some of those traditions mean little more than mindless repeating instead of soul-felt living of what the holiday means. I do take for granted what I have and achieved as well as have been given. I become more of a curmudgeon each day but I try to remember what is in my life. I just want to give a little thanks for what I have.

I have Emmaline. She, I couldn't take for granted. The beauty and brilliance that is my child. Not only am I thankful for her but I hope that I am giving her foundations to make her a strong, confident, assertive woman that gives to this world.

I have my job that I work my ass off for every day, often without pay. A year and a half ago I didn't have one. It was tougher than it is now. I've been without a home. I've been without food. I've been without lights. I've lacked and with a child, that's a tough matter. I am thankful for my job and for trying every day to keep it.

I have my family. Despite the mountainous strain I've given them and received from them, I am in a much better place with them now especially my mother. Many things have not been resolved, but I've been trying to hold less against each of them individually. Basically, I'm trying to live as a grown-up and not an adolescent. I am extremely happy that I didn't give up on them and they've given me the same opportunity.

I have my friends. I've grown up with some of you. I've never met others. Some I fell in love with. Relatives are family you were born or married to. Friends are family you choose. Thank you for being mine.

I've been without so much. I've been desparate. I've been lonely. I've been sad and suicidal.But, I had a microscopic, sand-size glimmer of hope that helped me survive. Above all else, I'm thankful for that. I pray that each of you always maintain that bit in your soul. From hope sprouts all else. Happy Thanksgiving.

This is my Double O face.

Watched Casino Royale.

Am in love with Daniel Craig.

He is sexy. And he is blond. Amazing that I'm attracted to a blond man.

Yum.

drool

Incidentally, when you watch through this....notice my house at the end. It's the quaint one you get an arial shot of before  the film is over. It's small but we like it.

Daniel Craig.

yum

mmmmmm.

There is scene that he sits absolutely naked in a chair. You see nothing but the imagination of EVERY THING. Even the villain wanted to fuck him because he looked so good.

I say 'god damn! Goddamn. Goddamn! Mmmmm. Mmmmm. MMMM.'

Another little side note....Mr. Craig is in one of my favorite films, and I didn't recall that it was him until I IMDB'd him. The BBC version of Moll Flanders (if anyone wants to buy it for me....it's a good one.) and no, it's not the one with Gwyneth or whoever that was in it. I'm talking about the good one with Alex Kingston (who is a hottie in her own right. Awesome woman and actor). Craig plays Moll's perfect mate Jemmy, a highwayman. He was damn sexy in that too.

Ok. Vincent may just have to step aside for Daniel....maybe. Or they can share me.

And by the way....the villain is played by Mads Mikkelsen, a Danish actor that is hot! He doesn't look the linked photo in the film except in one scene where he goes sadist on Bond.

Who doesn't like a good James Bond movie? Seriously, you're dead to me if you answer no..

850 Mojo

Did you read all those posts I've been keeping up with for NaBloPoMo? I've done such a fucktastic job.

Pfeh!

First, I did not win anything at the casinos. When it comes to me, Lady Luck ran away screaming, trying desperately to avoid me; and whilst not paying attention to the path ahead, she ran into the road and got hit by a bus full of blue hairs returning home from their bingo trip up to the Indian Reservation where they won about $2500 each.

It was a good time though. Emma always gets excited staying in a hotel room and I can't blame her. It's a nice little luxury, don't you agree? You can make a helluva mess if you want and you're not responsible for cleaning it up. That and all the minis that manage to find their way home in your luggage or purse. Throw in a jacuzzi tub, room service, and cable? It was niiiiiiice.

Mom gave me money to gamble with so I used none of my own (though money and Naomi are not complimentary. No, they're very Socratic.....I am Naomi; therefore, I have no money). I was actually doing OK. I'd lose about forty dollars (mind you, I love playing the penny machines. I lose money fast so I stick to machines that the maximum bet is only four dollars. Usually, I'm betting forty cents....ooooo, big spender.) but would get ahead about twenty.

Well, I made a huge mistake. I went back to this machine that I won about sixty dollars on. This guy was pulling his player club card out of it when I asked him if he was done. He took this as a sign that he should hit on me for the next hour. He was harmless at first because he just sat at the next slot and rambled, drunkenly that another woman had won a couple of hundred dollars on it. He was OK. Gave a couple of helpful hints. Then he showed me another machine of the same theme. Still OK. But then he started getting unbearable. Asking where I was from since I look from another country. Telling me he was in the military before. Every now and then, he'd do that friendly gesture touch of the shoulder.

I'm pretty passive when it come to other people's little idiosyncrasies. I figure that people really don't mean any harm so I bear through a lot of things. However, he started asking personal questions about my husband...you know that hook, ladies. You say "I'm not married" and then the bugger never leaves you alone. I just say that my hubby isn't on the floor. I'm losing money now. He talks and talks trying to fish out of me on how often I go to the casinos. Once a year, I tell him.

Then he asks, "Do you have a cell?" Yes. "I have a cell too. Here take this. 8-5-0..." Recognizing my own area code, I stopped him there. Out of my mouth comes, "No, I can't do that. He will get upset about my having another man's number in my cell phone especially one he doesn't know. It's not right."

He tries to reason that we're not going to do anything wrong. That I shouldn't let that stop me. blah blah blah. Still losing money.

No.

I tell him that I'm going to go. Thanks for the tips. Yadda yadda yadda. I leave him and run off in another direction. About ten minutes later I find another spot to hang out and do my thing. I start winning my money back when mister finds me and sits his ass down next to me.

SHIT! I start losing again while his drunken ass starts hitting on me again. After five minutes of trying to ignore him and his incessant talking, I get up telling him I'm heading upstairs for some Tylenol. Good luck to him.

I make my way away from him, go towards the elevators and then double back to other machines. I head to the bathroom and waste about ten or so minutes there before heading back out to the floor.
I find a machine and start winning again...nothing big but getting back what I've lost so I'd at least break even when I left.

ASSHOLE finds me again! Fuck! Sits down and fuck if I don't lose my money again. I've had it with him and with only eight freakin dollars left, I turn to him and ask if he's a cooler.

"Cooler? What's that?...<incoherent mumbling> Oh, I see. Why do you say that?"

"Well, I was ahead until you sat down."

"You weren't ahead. You only had twenty dollars."

I had more than forty and this last time I had sat down with only ten to start with.

"No. All I know is that I was winning," I say standing up."Every time you sit down next to me, I start losing. You're making me lose my mojo. Filipinas are very superstitious. I keeping winning until you sit down next to me." With that I walk away.

I find take my last remaining eight dollars, less than what I had to start with the last time I sat down, and find another machine...but it was all gone. Fucker sucked out the good ju-ju.

I had fun despite drunk man. Mom wants to go back every month. I can do that. Even without the gambling, I love just getting away from this place for a bit.

A Visit from the "You Know You're No Spring Chicken" Fairy

Ack! So I turned thirty-four yesterday. Not a momentous occassion but still an important date...hey, it was Naomi Day. Always good cause to celebrate. Despite the good reason to initiate a hangover, I had none of that. I worked and then I went to the movies after I got off of work. Quite sad, really.

Thank you to those that called and left messages with birthday wishes. It's nice to be remembered.

I am hoping this next year of my life will be an awakening. I am fucking scared of what's going to be stirred up as I try different things with my approach to decisions. I can guarantee I am going to be mental (as always) and true support and love will be needed. I've more than enough issues to address and I have years of bad habits to break.

Thank you again especially to my mother who actually included that aforementioned phrase along with "You're old, girl."

You're Gonna Shoot Your Eye Out

Tonight is another installment of the Glass Eye Poets. I haven't written anything of literary value in a month so I'll probably read what I had intended to last month since I didn't make it to October's meeting.

The people that attend this monthly gathering of creative types are awe-inspiring. There are artists, photographers, glass makers, guitarists, singers, and the type. There day jobs include therapists, sales associates, and teachers.

I've said this before but no matter how much I love going, I always feel out of place. I feel like the least creative person in the lot. I feel like a poser trying to seem more creative because I hang out with the artists. Did Langston Hughes feel this way among his peers during the Harlem Renaissance? Surely he was aware of his talent and his voice? But when they sat around and listened to each other, did he have a bit of envy for their creativity? Did he feel incompetent?

I'm no Hughes but these artists among me sure are what make renaissances occur.

Freebie

Because I forgot that I signed up for the NaBloPoMo challenge, I'm putting this post to bed before midnight...i.e. This is my post.

"Say good night, Gracie."

"Good night, Gracie."

Owwww!

In the committment to fall in love with myself and feel better about the gift that is me, I am doing the exercise thing. I was sporadic in my gym visits in the past which was unfortunate because I truely love working out.

Yesterday, I took my fat ass to Pensacourt and it was gooooooood. I set up an appointment for today with a fitness instructor/trainer. (Good guy that Andrew. I like him and his style.) After setting my date, I hit the treadmill for forty-five minutes and then did some resistance training on my arms. It was goooooood.

Today was my first meeting with Andrew. He took my health history. I set some goals. And then he showed me about. Now....I've been to Pensacourt quite a number of times, thus the familiarity of some of the machines. But I wanted to do this right. Put away my smart girl, know-it-all attitude and just listen. I was going to be puddy in his hands because trying to help myself has not worked in the past.

Andrew showed me many of the machines I had worked before, and let me add that I was not hurting at all from yesterday's workout. After a round of showing the machines to work the lower body and setting my numbers and weights on paper,  I worked out with Andrew helping me.

Ok.....let me say that I am hurting right now in my arm pits. Primarily in my right. I worked out my lower body from my core to my calves. No arms. But owwwwww. I suddenly felt yesterday's workout after I woke from a nap today.

Delayed reaction?

It hurts but I'm not stopping. This weekend will be a bit difficult to get to the gym so I'm supplementing with some walking and crunches on my exercise ball. Perhaps the rest will ease the discomfort because Monday, I meet up with Andrew again.

Despite the pain, I'm proud of my efforts. Just need those cheerleaders out there to keep me going. I'm not cutting out anything from my diet. I don't think it's going to work for me like that. I like the taste of foods. I get cravings. I'm working more on portions and control as well as rewarding for my efforts.

Last thing.....Andrew had forgotten to weigh me before working out so he had to get the dreaded number before I left. It was a downer. I was telling Blazing Jezebel that weighing before a workout serves as motivation. After workout....makes you wanna just cry in a corner. But I'm working on it. Two days into the rest of my life. Yay for me!

I Think I Saw a Ghost

Early (early) this morning, I was returning home from work. I think I left the ol' job around three this morning. I love approximately five minutes from my job and could walk it if I weren't afraid of crossing six lanes of insane drivers on the road or walking home a dark road alone at three in the morning....but for arguement's sake, I live very close to work.

As I was saying, I was returning home from work, and it was cold. I was driving down the street that runs parallel to my home and was adjusting the heater for warmth. You know that split second when your eyes leave the road to turn on the heater or change find the radio with your hands? Well, when my eyes returned to the road, I was startled by what I thought was a man running down the road. My headlights had caught only the top half of his body so what I saw in that split second was the back of a man with arms pumping and movement at a runner's pace forward. He had a man's haircut meaning it was short in the back. And with the night and my car lights, he was sepia colored. I swerved slightly and braked at the same time because of that fear of hitting 'him'.

Now, what is scarier than thinking you're going to hit a person on a dark road is suddenly seeing said person disappear.

I had slowed enough from the braking to constitute that moment that you stop to recover from a near-fatal collision with something. If a real person had been running, surely that person would have passed me. And when I looked in the rearview, there was noone.

Anyone else want to share a ghost sighting?

November is Naomi Month. How Are You Celebrating?

My house is disastrously messy. My finances are depressingly chaotic. My body is achingly rebelling. My emotional state is angrily withdrawing. I am a wreck. But I am taking back my fucking life.

I vowed to make this November a rebirth for me. Typical of the Scorpio sign, cyclical rebirth is a staple characteristic. I am exhausted with myself. If I were my own friend, I would have left so very long ago...and I think I may have.

I am the worst when it comes to New Year's Resolutions; thus, I don't make them (yes, some may have crept in but no heart to them). But this month. November does things to me. I know it's my birthday and that whole self-examination shit that happens to each of us when another birthday rolls around. I'll be thirty-four and instead of feeling fabulous about myself, I hate my life.

It can't be this way. It sickens me that I've allowed myself to live in such drudgery and unhappiness and bitchiness and crap. I wallow in it. I've allowed others to have their say about my life. My parents. My friends. My boyfriend. Blah!

It's tiring and it unravels you. Despite all the introspection, I have no idea of who I am. And looking at every thing in my life, I'm trying to find out. Classic psychology. I'm trying to fill the void with other things and people.

It feels good to write. It feels good to draw, create, take pictures, use my hands. It feels good to exercise. It feels good to be by myself. I don't know why I deny myself these things. I tease myself with little morsels but not enough to fill me.

I keep losing the things I want so desparately; and I know I lose them because I destroy them. Punishment? Probably. Why? I'm afraid of the responsibility of having the good stuff.

But...no more.

It's a DaVinyls Sort of Day.

Well, it is. Don't judge. You know you do it too.

Seriously, you know you need sex (and a partner) when you return home from dropping your child off at school and you have a lightbulb moment.

Mine? I was walking from the den into the kitchen to have my breakfast when I realized there was no workman in the house and child was at school and suddenly exclaimed (yes, exclaimed. That's how excited I am.) aloud, "Huh?!. I can masturbate today."

Ok. I would totally evil laugh right now but that's just a bit dorky and quite sad, and I'm trying to decide if I should seduce myself or just go for it. But I have to say that the weirdest bit of all this is not thinking of how much time do I have before I fit a visit to the gym into my day. It's not that I had an 'aha' moment about violating my puki (side note: don't ever give pookie as a nickname to a girl or whoever....every Filipino will laugh and point). It's that I thought it would be interesting to share that 'aha' moment with you.

"Annnnnnd, There Off!"

Yesterday was the beginning of yet another NaNoWriMo challenge; and I yet again, decided to accept the bloomin thing.

Slow start for me, if you notice my meter to the right. But I wrote those seven paragraphs this morning while waiting for my daughter to start her day. Give me a little bit of a break that I only have a little less than five hundred words. It's an hour's worth of work so, I can't be doing all that bad.

I have no idea what will come out of this. Every year, I'm excited as hell to get started on the challenge but some where in the first couple of days, I give up. I am literally scared of writing. The amount of self doubt that comes flooding out of me when I sit down to do anything creative could drown a metropolitan dwelling.

Eh, well.....wish me creative thoughts and the dedication to sit down and write them out.

If any of you haven't signed up for this mea culpa of writing challenges, it's not too late.

NaNoWriMo challenge.

El dia primero de noviembre

For those counting down....eight more days until my birthday. Woo Hoo. I'll be thirty-four next Thursday. I'm freakin excited. Have I mentioned that I love my birthday?! Because I do!

My gift? I wish for everyone to give me a dollar. Just one dollar...hell, I'll take your pocket change. If every one out there gives me that spare change in your floorboards, I could retire. Send your gift to:

Floorboard Change
c/o Naomi
1234 It'smybirthday Rd.
Pensacola FL 12345

If anyone wants to help me celebrate, let me know. Drinks sound good, yeah?!