Light and Darkness

Priest, Therapist, Me

With most of the people I know, I become the person you go to for some form of support. Whether it's as confidante, sage, counselor, mom, or just a shoulder to cry on, I am the person to go to.

It's not that I don't mind it. Generally, I don't. When I was a child in the midst of all my turmoil, I remember laying on my back, looking skyward, and promising the universe that other people would never have to suffer the consequences of feeling utterly alone like I felt. Guess I signed a pact with the invisible forces back then because I've definitely filled the role of person to lean on.

I don't know if what I give is sound. I don't know if what I provide is sane. I give heartfelt words that stem from experience, observation, and gut reaction.

But sometimes, it keeps me up at night.

My mind becomes so active with other people's worries and concerns and guilts that my unconscious mind never lets itself unwind. I have this tiny, very alert center in my head that makes me restless. And I'm left extremely tired and feeling responsible for everything.

Creeping Ivy

My backyard fence is beginning to be overgrown with vegetation. Pretty, prickly vegetation.

Is Someone Trying to Tell Me Something?

Yesterday morning, my dog Jolie ran away. Yeah. First, the cat dies on Saturday. Then the dog runs away on Tuesday. What the hell? Is everyone trying to get as far away from me as possible? This is shit.

I'm having a crappy week. I find out this week that I can't get promoted here. Certain events in my building have led to the advertisement for a salaried manager. I posted my interest and found out I'm not eligible. I have to move in order to get any further up the road.

This isn't really a surprise for me because I had known about this little bit since first being employed with my company; and I was shock that I could even post for the job opening. But here's the thing that is upsetting. Any position that is higher than what I am now will be considered very carefully before being offered to me because I'm emotional.

Yup. I've shot my ownself in the foot for being me. And people wonder why I hate myself so bloody much. Because I am what I am.

Stupid, fucking twit.

Oh well. What did I expect? Anything different?

Should have learned by now.

My Fat Cat

I watched my cat, Veruca take her last breath about twenty minutes ago. It was as painful for me to watch as it was for her to take. She had grown very weary and thin over the last couple of weeks. At one time she showed signs of improving from whatever ailment that was attacking her. No, I don't know what was wrong with her.

When we first got Veruca, I didn't care for her much. She was not as friendly as a kitten should be. She was downright mean to me; but she loved Emmaline. She would sleep in her pockets and against her shoulder. Over the last four years, Veruca and I grew to love each other. She went from being Em's cat to being my cat.

Veruca was always aloof. She always stood on the fray watching the rest of the household. She rarely enjoyed people holding her, but she always sat close enough that you could tell that she really wanted the attention. Right before her estrus, she went into shadow mode. She barely left my side. Her usual manner was one of growling, warning people to stay away to incessantly meowing for petting and hugs and squeezing. She literally would seek me out and crawl into my lap.

In a few words, Veruca reminded me of myself. Starving for attention but really unsure of how to ask for it.

I feel awful that I didn't take her to the vet. Whatever ailed her, I knew a visit to the vet would result in putting her to sleep because I can't afford any treatments that only extended the inevitable. Most of you would probably consider me a very poor pet owner. I think of myself that way. If you can't take care of your pet, don't have one.

For my Veruca....my fat cat, I love you. I miss you, my grumpy loner. You were definitely my cat. And I thank you for being a loving curmudgeon.

I Erased It All.

The truth is gone from this entry.

Working 9 to 5 or Some Strange Shift

Work during the last year has been an odd amalgamation of heaven and hell. I guess that's what people into S & M feel bondage and pain games are like: pleasure with the pain. I don't write about it because I can get into a helluva lot of trouble and finding a job was bad enough but I would really like to keep this one.

Lately, however work has been everything it was times ten. The pleasure of work has been intensified. I'm learning new things, which I'm extremely thrilled about. I'm being challenged with stuff that makes my brain think and I'm just overjoyed. On the other end, I see work life becoming a bit more unbearable for a while. I can't even detail anything here but let me say that it's going to be hell. I've seen the first day of it, and it's left me absolutely uncomfortable and exhausted.

Yesterday was bad enough without what I'm about to tell you. I didn't sleep well Sunday night. I tossed and turned. My stomach was bloated; and when I took a shower to feel a bit better, I vomitted everywhere. I went to work already feel blah. Then as the work day began, the bad got worse. As our first customer bought a ticket, the fire alarm went off (due to control panel and sensor issues....no fire, thank God). We were shut down until the alarm could be reset by a technician. Nearly two hours past the original start of the day, we finally showed our first movie. It sucked. And I just wasn't caught up at all yesterday.

So with Saturday, Sunday, and Monday, I was completely unsure of how today would go. All in all, it wasn't bad. As mentioned, I'm learning new duties. I've a better relationship starting with my boss, which excites me the most. I think my fellow managers are getting more enthusiastic as well (at least, I hope so). My hours aren't as atrocious as they were before. I've been recalled from banishment (i.e. closing shifts almost all the time). Work is a place I want to be again.

There are definitely still issues, but in a few weeks I think all that will be resolved. I still may not talk about work much here because I like to remain employed, but I'll blog about a COD or some other tiny tidbit.

"On a dark road...."

Last night, Emmaline and I were returning from the grocery store. It was approximately 11 pm, and we were travelling on a the road we almost always take. It's a two lane road; traffic going in opposite directions. The number of the cars on the road wasn't big but there was still a flow of vehicles.

Out of some nightmare come true, I saw a tree begin to falll like freshly cut timber. The only light on the road came from vehicles and the scattered street lights. It was dark but the falling tree was an even darker figure. I had to swerve fast and break quickly in order to prevent from being crushed and running into the top bough of the tree, which put me in the front of a car from oncoming traffic. This tree was at least thirty feet tall. It fell from a yard adjacent to the street and it brought with it the power lines.

I pulled forward and onto the right shoulder. I couldn't breathe and sat stunned. The second car in the oncoming traffic belong to a county sheriff's deputy. Traffic stopped and one of the deputies in the car came over to me and asked if we were ok. I lost it then and just started crying. I sat there for about ten minutes before I could really get a grasp that we were ok.

Emma kept repeating, "Did that really happen or is this a dream?" If I hadn't been part of it, I wouldn't have believed it.

All I can say, "Thank you, God."

2007

For all those that still wander by here every now and then either by choice or accident, I want to vex you with a fabulously wonderful new year. I jinx you with good times, lots of laughter, plenty of lovin'  and 365 days of prosperous fortune. I curse you with thousands of giving friends who support you with generous spirit.

Now for my wrap-up, I'm going to borrow from Sundry:

1. What did you do in 2006 that you’d never done before?

Mourn and bury a parent.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

No. I can say with confidence that I didn't.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

A few friends had babies including my former general manager's wife, my work boyfriend's wife, and such. None of my closest friends though.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

My pop.....miss him very much. My lolo. Few other people.

5. What countries did you visit?

Um, does Land of Make Believe count?

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?

The love of a good man. Enough money that living hand to mouth isn't an option. Clean house.

7. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

February 13. Pop's death and G.K.'s son's birth. Cycle of life.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Surviving a break up and a death within a month's time.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Being a better parent. And losing the love of my life.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Yeah. Everything from a crippling kidney infection to a broken heart....yeah, this is so melodramatic.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

It's the little things in life but items like my journal, a good pen, etc.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Mrs. Devine. Since pop's death, she's been an amazing person to me.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

My own and I will have to admit this now because I've put little blame on him but Angus.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Bills.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Friends like Betts visiting..

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?

Unfortunately the stupid ass songs with stupid ass lyrics like Fergie's shit or the Pussycat Dolls. EH!

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? sadder b) thinner or fatter? Fatter c) richer or poorer? richer, I guess.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Fly my kite. Write. Rely on friends for comfort. Exercise. Photography.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

No comment.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

Christmas 2006 was spent as a hellish couple of days at work. Busier than usual. Worked for days in a row getting out of work at 4 am. Hopefully, Christmas 2007 will be more traditional.

 

21. Did you fall in love in 2006?

No.

22. How many one-night stands?

None.

23. What was your favorite TV program?

I found this one last night and it was a fucking marathon of it but can I say that I love this show: Metalocalypse. What a great way to start the year! Funny. Too funny.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

No.

25. What was the best book you read?

God, I don't remember what I read last year. They're generally good though.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Don't think I have an answer to this one.

27. What did you want and get?

sushi

28. What did you want and not get?

No answer..

29. What was your favorite film of this year?

Little Miss Sunshine. Crank. I'm sure there are others.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Turned thirty-four. I worked. Did dinner. That's about it. They seem to be getting quieter and quieter every year. I need a fucking loud party before I'm too old to celebrate.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Sex. Seriously, this abstinence thing is stupid. I need to be a whore in 2007.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?

More business oriented.

33. What kept you sane?

Running over chipmunks with my car. Snorting cocaine.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I was liking me some Daniel Craig. Also, crushing on the guy who plays Ethan on Passions.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?

Don't know if it's really a political issue but I like that people are getting a little fed up with bipartisan politics. People are fed up with finger pointing and hypocrisy among our politicians. The scandals amongst our leaders have open up the doors to people voting with the heads. Evident in the Democrats taking some chairs in the big houses. Woo Hoo!

36. Who did you miss?

Pop. Angus.

37. Who was the best new person you met?

Honestly, I've enjoyed some of the new people I met at work. There are some great young people (I sound like an old fart) in the world.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006.

It's never too late to start anew especially with those people that have broken your heart or that you broke theirs. Don't miss the opportunity to call them and tell them you love them. Because that car trip  you skip because you didn't want to drive the eight hours can result in a phone call the following Monday morning that your dad is dead.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me

-James Blunt, Goodbye, My Lover

Happy 2007!