I Want...

I actually have a difficult time saying aloud what I want in life. At times I'm afraid that once I admit them to another person or even to myself, I actually lose the any chance of getting it. However, most often than not I feel undeserving of anything remotely good. Instead, I go about just hoping I get to that desire unnoticed like the fox of a hunt, running from the large, barking dogs that are completely gratified pointing out the location to the big scary human things carrying guns while on horseback. All that fox wants to do is get to the deep hole in the unlit forest without losing a leg or two. Yep. That's me.

So, I just don't say anything about what I want.

I am deathly terrified to speak aloud my desires. It physically shakes me. It's a core belief within in my soul that the horribly inevitable end will come to anything good if words form in any semblance (written form, thought, or sound) of my desires.

I blame losing Angus to one thought....my idiot heart saying that he was mine. It was downhill from there. No, I can't say that it was from thought alone. I had to do shit in order for it all to happen. I mucked it up with action and such, but I digress.

We're going to talk about my job because it's bothering me.

I've been an assistant manager since December 2005. I get paid very little. Seriously, it's a trifle in comparison to what I do...not trying to be conceited either. With grand ideas of what I would like to become in the company, I've made known to my general manager what my next step would like to be. I want to become a salaried manager. From there....lead manager and then general. I, by no means, am ready to become anything greater than a salaried. I actually find it difficult to imagine myself as a GM because I sure as hell am scared of being the Big Kahuna of a building. That would mean that I'm ultimately responsible for all that happens in a building. But I do imagine....in the minutest ways.

Going on....my GM is doing what he can to get me the position. He tells me this so I have to believe him. Honestly, part of me doesn't believe he's doing everything. That's just a trust thing with me. I read certain signs he gives out and I don't believe at times. BUT, I have a general belief that he is doing what he can.

The understanding is that I have to move with my company in order to get what I want. It's the policy. I understand that. I'm all for that. I don't mind moving. It scares the hell out of me because I'm always scared of trying to take care of things alone; and moving would mean that I know NO ONE. No friends. Nothing. Just Em and me and whatever animals we would bring. But, I would move.

My GM wants me to stay at our building because he believes that I need to develop here. In better terms but to the same effect, I need a lot of attention. This statement has pissed me off. I can't say that it's not true because it really is and that makes me angrier. I feel like some underdeveloped, emotional adolescent that is so fucking insecure.

Despite all the work that I do. Despite all the progress I've made in the last year. Despite my efforts to be a more stable, functioning adult. I am not getting what I want. And I can't say aloud anymore because I end up losing what I want. It always happens. Self-fulfilling prophecy? Probably. But when I start to get a glimmer of what I believe should be mine, it disappears.

What do I do? Dare I dream? Dare I put admit my secret of secrets? I am just as deserving as anyone else that has plans and goals for the future, right? I've worked hard. I'm doing more to be a better person. I should just walk right up to the world and claim what is mine.

So, why can't I still do it?