Job Insecurity

The last couple of days have been absolute hell at work. Without detail or explanation, I say that I feel unhappy about work. What the hell? I am left with questions.

Should I find another job?
Do any of the people I work with respect me at all?
Do I have any chance of advancement now?
Why do people take such liberty with what you say?

Why the fuck did I say what I said? I should have trusted my instinct and not trust anyone with my thoughts and beliefs. I really can't blame anyone but myself with what is now happening. I am a firm believer in accepting responsibility for one's own actions and words or lack thereof, so speaking aloud any opinion to co-workers is ultimately my own undoing.

No, I don't hate anyone. I'm not mad. I'm upset. Quite different for me. Being mad or angry with someone sparks retaliatory thoughts in my head. I have none of that. My thoughts are ones of self-abuse and silence and distrust. I want to only work and have nothing but a working relationship with the lot of them.  I am shutting down as both self-defense and for the benefit of others.

In my younger days, I reacted with vigor. I spoke aloud. I fought back. I got angry and then angrier. I thought that was what I supposed to do. Speak out and speak up. Now? Now, I withdraw. I remove my involvement.

Fighting got me no where except me covered in welts or feeling unwanted amongst all that I felt were my familiars. I learned that fighting for myself only separated me from everything that I loved. Never made me feel any better. It doesn't now. I try to fight for what I love and I get pushed further away or I get silence from the other side. I don't fight anymore. I just cork up as much emotion and thought I can within my body....hey, maybe this is why I'm getting fatter and fatter. Making a bigger space for what I'm bottling up? A thought.

I'm trying to ignore all the problems now. Only safe way to survive any suicidal or maligned thoughts. Better to be a robot functioning day to day then to scare the people with what makes me Naomi.

Eh! I hate life.