There is a job posting in my company at a location in Texas. It's for the position that I would next hold. I want it but am seriously afraid of posting a reply. What if I suck, I ask myself? Well, I've been doing what the job entails without the pay or title for months now. I know the job. I am the job. So, why am I scared?
Financially, I am terrified of the move because I can't afford shit. The cost to connect any services and such would break me because my credit sucks and I KNOW I would have to pay a deposit. And speaking of Naomi-Credit Suckola-McCrap-Crap....how the hell am I going to be able to get an apartment with the financial tar bog known as my credit?! Fuck! I'll be working for more money but living out of a shoebox.
I just don't know. There are things about moving forward that are scary as hell. BUT none of them compares to the financial woe that it all involves. I do NOT want to rely on Mrs. Devine for help because she already thinks I'm a freeloading mess. She doesn't say it aloud but there are times that her message is loud and clear...like now.
I actually told my mother that I'm looking at moving up with the company. This was months and months ago. We had a discussion about the house that I live in.
Let's backtrack this story a bit. My mother owns this house. When it was purchased, we looked at putting it in my name; but because I am that money pit called Naomi, it couldn't be done. I have very little money living paycheck to paycheck so I haven't paid my mother regular rent since living in the house. Taxes come and I give her a lump sum that satisfies her momentarily.
Now, my mother has done a fairly good job of not pointing out the lack of rent. It only comes up when (1) she's angry at me which I avoid by avoiding her most of the time or (2) when our Filipino relatives call her for money which is generally once a month (even then I do the method as described in point one: avoidance). And, not having to pay rent has kept me from being desperately poor.
Back to the original thought.....when I first discussed the prospect of moving, my mother said she was going to sell the house. As an offer of generosity, she would give me an amount of the sale to help me live at my next location. In succeeding conversations, the same point was made. It would be more cost effective for her to sell the house since she's having to deal with the upkeep of the house whilst her daughter (me) wasn't. Selling the house would pay any mortgage off and make a little profit.
However, the most recent conversation went like this:
Mrs. D: I'll keep the house and rent it out because you'll be back. You always come back and you're NOT living with me.
Me: *silence*
Me: *more silence*
Me: *silence mixed with choked back tears* Ok, Mom. I've got to go.
Mrs. D: *with laughter* Nae.
Me: I'll talk to you later. *hangs up and cries like a little baby*
There is much more in the conversation than the above. I had told my mother the conversation made me feel inadequate and very much like a loser. I apologized for being crappy as a person and daughter. blah blah blah before I said goodbye and CRIED LIKE A BABY! My mother did call back and apologize.
I know my mother is disappointed in having me as a daughter. I see it more in her face than hear it as actual words; but it's there, that disappointment. I don't blame her. It's what's really keeping me from applying for the position. I work very hard to not screw up but I make the worst decisions, it seems. AND I can't come back to my mother again. It's humiliating and defeating and I can't do it again.
I know parents get disappointed with their children. I have been disappointed with mine at times. But I can't stand being the chronic disappointment to everyone.
What to do? What to do?
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