Light and Darkness

It is a Devine Day, thank you for asking.

Today is my mother's fifty-fifth birthday. Had I a ready to post picture, you would see that she definitely doesn't look like a woman in her fifties. Been around this site long enough, you would know the history between my mother and me. Crazy. Insane. Abusive. Unhappy. But it has definitely changed. I'll say it again, my father's untimely death changed things between my mother and me. Unfortunate but true.

My mom, a native Filipina is a free spirit whose history and present are more colorful than most people can every dream or imagine. She comes from a very humble start with our family being very poor as are the majority of the natives. There are two classes on the Islands: rich or poor. Mom did what she had to do to survive; and I can testify that many of those things were not pleasant ones; and to this day she helps her family still on the Islands survive. To her credit, she is an extremely strong willed woman who belongs to that lot that doesn't believe in giving up. She is the quintessential survivor.

And for this reason....When you go out today and celebrate the magnificence of August 31, give a salute to the Filipina woman whose determination is inspiring. Raise a glass or two on Mrs. Devine Day.

Ninay....Happy Birthday. It's been a rough life between the two of us but I'm very grateful that we've made huge strides to change things between us. I don't say it enough but thank you for what you've accomplished for your family. I do appreciate what you've endured all these years. One of the things I admire in you. Happy Birthday. Mahal kita.

Renaissance

The Renaissance Dallas Hotel. The Dallas cityscape is beautiful and this hotel catches my eye each time I drive into the city.

Horses or Horsepower: Who Taught Texans to Drive?!

Unhappily, I had to drive to another one of my company's locations to pick up a film. It's about a fifty mile drive, round trip on the craziness called the interstate.

I have not been happy with Texas drivers since I moved here. My first experience was that home finding trip during fourth of July weekend. My flight had arrived at night so driving to L'ville did not rank high on the great orgasmometer (i.e....it sucked). I had to go into the high places of the sky and in the middle of one of the one ramps to the high places of the sky was the carcass of a dead moose or whale or something huge like that. Scared the shit out of me. On the trip to the hotel I was staying at on my last night in town, I broke down crying on the phone to my boss because I got stuck in traffic and ended up going to the airport.

Little secret...I'm afraid of heights and I hate driving so maneuvering the overpasses and high levels of the interstate are death defying feats for me. I will be the old senior citizen who will gleefully give up her driver's license at a good retirement age and who will bother every one of her grandchildren to drive her everywhere because my ability to drive gets crippled by many things. I manage it but I'm usually on pins and needles when I have to drive for extended periods of time....like five minutes....because I feel the road is too narrow, the trucks are too big, and the morons are too likely to have a license, which leads me back to Texas drivers.

They have no mercy for you. NONE whatsoever. Here's a favorite pastime of theirs or so it seems. Drive really, really fast whilst staying on front car's ass. Don't pass. Oh no. You won't get bonus points for that EVEN though the lane to your left OR right are clear and free of any other motorized vehicle. The faster you go and the closer you are to the back bumper, the better the day.

Seriously, what the fuck kind of driving is that?!

I've seen many an automotive accident on the interstate since I've been here. They seem to always involve a massive vehicle like the semi-truck. One evening as I was coming home from the theater, I was in traffic for nearly an hour because a semi had flipped and burned on the interstate. On another day a semi hauling a double-wide motor home was traveling in front of me at approximately eighty miles an hour. Its tire was shredding as it was driving down the road. It continued to drive until all that was left was the tire wheel and then it slowed down and stopped. Scary moment for Em and me. I had slowed down until I was a safe distance behind it. There was no way in hell I was going to drive beside it and risk the fucking tire wheel falling off and come flying into my path of traffic, but every other maniacal driver didn't mind being near it.

I generally end up cussing when I drive. I've tried to curb it because it's not a healthy way to die....having a brain aneurysm from the screaming fit at an inept driver during rush hour traffic. No. Rather not.

Friend Steph gave me advice when I first moved here. Use your turn signals not as permission to come into the next lane but as warning as if to say, "Bitches! You better move or you stupidly deserve what I give you!"

Wishing I Could Be Scrooge McDuck

Remember the cartoons when McDuck would swim and dive the money piles in his vault? The money looked so fluid and organic and so much more abundant than real life. Oh, how I wish I could do that.

I'm trying to save money. I've not a lot to my name but I've been happy with the progress I've been making. Until now. I was ignoring the fact when looking at my job offer here that I would be struggling harder than in Pcola. Everyone including myself said that I would be ok. I'd make it. Just a matter of budgeting.

Shit! It's going to be tighter than hell. I mean really tight. I just went grocery shopping as well shopping for Em's school uniforms and I feel guilty for having spent that money because now I'm looking at my bills and shaking in my core. Fuck!

It's gonna be ok. I know it will be. Just need to stop eating.

Kidding.

Maybe.

No...really, I'm kidding.

*nervous little laugh*

I Have Questions...You Have Answers

New category. Very simple. I pose a question and I hope you answer. Let's christen this bitch, shall we?!

I'm infatuated with the show Taboo on National Geographic. Tonight it was all about old practices in medicine, which are really frowned upon. Not new to me but very interesting and very squeamish (I'll save you the torture and not post pictures)....please don't hesitate to include any other new medical practices you've happened upon....faced with a non-healing wound, would you allow your physicians to treat it by alternative means including the application of maggots?

Donkey Porn

Ugly title but it brings about as many people to this site as one can imagines through internet searches.

Anyhoo.....I just wanted to pose a question for any women out there or their sympathetic mates.

Are you hornier during your period? Does all coherent thought leave your brain during your flow only to be replaced with randy thoughts of fucking the hot Time Warner guy that seems to do all customer orders in your apartment complex?

No? Well, at least you got to see me use donkey porn in a sentence.

Where the Green Grass Grows

When I was in Pcola, the crowds on the weekend were rougher. I had adapted to the more aggressive approach of the people there. I am use to being called a racist bitch or a fat bitch. Yes, it hurts my feelings. Makes me angry. Part of the job.

Here, however....different. I'm sure that I get called the same names under the breath of those that are asked to leave. I have no doubt that I'm the topic of unflattering conversation when they are sitting at a local Waffle House, remembering the night's events. C'est la vie. What this post is about is a group of people I encountered the other night: the privileged teenagers that really have no reason to argue other than being self-indulgent twits.

People loiter. After a certain amount of time, it's time to loiter somewhere else. I'd say that an hour after you've exited the end of your entertainment is more than an ample amount of time for you to stay on premises. Perhaps I'm wrong. Correct me if you must, but let's add that your group is getting bigger by the moments by the inclusion of friends you 'happen' to bump into. Let's also say that your crowd is getting just a bit boisterous and such. Would any of you have disagreed with me to ask the group to exit the building?

Didn't think so.

So, here is my problem that infuriated me and is markedly different than Pcola....deciding that you and your friends should block the exiting doors so other people can't exit. In Pcola, that group asked to leave would have been mouthy. They would have argued with the cops on sight. BUT their asses would have been away from the doors, causing that scene. Not right there causing a safety issue.

Go home! If you can't be respectful of other people's right to enjoy their night out, stay home and watch the grass grow. If you can't have an ounce of self-discipline in your right pinkie finger, stay home and beat each other up in a Steve-O, Jackass sort of way. Enjoy your backyard but stay away from me and the rest of thinking society.

Two Roads: Robert and me

The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
and sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
and looked down one as far as I could
to where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
and having perhaps the better claim
because it was grassy and wanted wear;
though as for that, the passing there
had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
in leaves no feet had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I
-- I took the one less travelled by,
and that has made all the difference .

I was not a fan of Robert Frost growing up. I think I purposely chose the different so any mainstream poet or artist or person in society was automatically my enemy. I cheered the underdog or the antagonist in any situation or movie or whatever....my daughter is the same way right now. But as an adult, I see the value of what I once considered to 'normal' for me. The poem has been dissected and written about entirely too much to give any real poetic debate on my part but I use it as a prelude to what this post is truly saying.

An old boyfriend found me recently. Through this site as a matter of fact; and he has stirred up emotions within me that I never really resolved. If you know me, you know that resolution with me is generally repressing shit. I'm one for resolution but usually those involved aren't so I can't deal with things the way that I want to. We'll call the old boy Frost because it's a cool name and refers to the aforementioned poet.

Coming clean, I had never stopped loving Frost. I'm just not that type of person. When I love a person, whether it's a parent or a friend or a lover, I'm in for the proverbial long haul. So, having Frost enter my life, albeit not completely or wholly, is an overwhelming feeling. I want him in my life. I'm excited about the prospect of having who I considered one of my closest friends back in my life. But, until there's really more information, I just don't know what to do. I think of what was and what could have been and what still could be. Thus....two roads.

Perhaps I'm just an idiot. Hoping for more? Of course. Again, I would be a liar if I didn't admit that. But admittedly, I'm staying away from everyone. I've never been the woman that anyone chooses. Yes, perhaps for the moment but never past the end. So....here come the emotions. Lots of history between Frost and myself. Definitely thrilled to hear from him again. Can't wait to talk to him again. But, I guess we'll see.

By the way, Frost....when you read this. Don't let it stop you from talking to me. Just venting in a forum that I'm familiar with.

That Special Spot

Why do cat bellies smell soooo good?!

Walken Your Way Through Life

Love me some Christopher Walken. This is one of my favorite videos ever.

What Will Tomorrow Bring?

An old friend found me and I'm anticipating a call that should happen tomorrow sometime....I'm thinking. Excited. Nervous. Curious. Apprehensive. Happy. Some of the emotions happening right now; but I'm worried more about my reaction once I get the phone call.

Hmmmm

Tay-has

We've been in Texas for over a month now. Ladies and Gentleman, you are going to be amazed what the last month has been like. It's not been a picnic nor a party.

The drive here went beautifully. We made the trip in twelve hours with several stops along the way. It was seamless and lovely and very pleasant. And then, like some Boris Karloff horror movie, the new residence in the big plains state became 'interesting.'

My apartment experience has involved wrong keys, wrong apartment plan with smaller square footage than what I chose, wrong rent, wrong parking spot, wrong address, utility hook-up issues and the sort. For my anguish, the apartment manager reduced my rent by an additional $200 for August.

During the time we were in the hotel (nearly two weeks), Emma got sick with an ear infection. That was our first visit to the Medical Center of Lewisville. No insurance at the time. Oh yay! for me. Then two weeks ago, I visited the MCL for the second time in the two weeks we had lived here for me. Refused admittance to the hospital for overnight IV meds and observation...main reason to be honest was because I had no insurance at the time (only three days away from the start of my medical benefits when I got sick) and the visit was going to break me as it was. Incidentally, I just received my medical bill for my trip to the ER and it's nearly $1500.

Then there's the job. I'm glad we moved because it's opportunity and I refuse to let this place kick my ass. However, it's not been a joy. In the last month, I have questioned my decision to apply and accept this job. Yesterday was probably one of the best days on the job. I have hope because of yesterday but until that moment, I've been upset about my move. I think that's why I got sick. Stress and worry and fear and such.

Texas has been kicking my ass. There are definite pluses to this state. Em and I went to Dallas for her birthday last week (by the way....my kid is TWELVE years old. Where did the years go?). The cityscape is amazing. Sorry, really no photos. Em took some on her phone but not really of the scape. There just seems like there are so many more restaurants and shopping centers and places of interest. When I can, I'll show you what I mean.

There seems to be no escape from the sun though. This doesn't mean that I think Texas is the hottest place on the planet because I seriously believe Memphis is much hotter than here. I just feel there are not enough trees in this state. It's just so much sunnier. There also seems to be no actual housing areas in this city. Lewisville seems to be a city of apartment complexes. This may be relative to the proximity of Dallas (only 30 minutes down the road) and Denton (city of colleges, just fifteen minutes north of here). Apartments change the landscape and feel of an area. Know what I mean?

I know it's going to be good here though. Definitely lonely for the familiar, which includes the friends but I'll be ok. For now though, after a month long hiatus from the internet, I am back in touch with the rest of the world. Thank the gods.