Change in the Air

The weather has changed here. It's cooler and sweater inviting.

My mood has changed also. Sami mentioned Seasonal Affective Disorder but the depression is always in my soul; it's only the physical manifestation that becomes more apparent. I am more depressed each day. Just sad and blue and lonely.

As much as I hate it, it's time to rethink getting professional help again. I really detest that road but I have more responsibilities here and can't let my life be overwhelmed with emotions that can destroy anything I've worked for. I asked for a psych recommend from a co-worker in the area and got one. Now? Need to call.

But I hesitate because so much of what's going on in my head is reaction to situations. What weighs heavy on my soul? No order:

No matter what I do, I'm still in love with Angus and just getting over him is a death defying act. The man has issues. I have issues. To stop loving someone because of who he is would mean I deserve none of the love I get from others. If anyone deserves being forgotten, it's me. Not him. sigh

My child is unhappy. She's stubborn and has always been shy in making friends. She refuses to do things out of defiance. Asking her to try and make friends so she's not lonely is akin to asking her eat jagged pieces of glasses with rusty razor blades embedded in the pieces. And yet, she complains about not having friends. Extraordinary thing is that people like Emmaline. I can't help her. She refuses to let me. All the time we lived in Pensacola, she hated it there. Was ready to leave. Grass is greener thing here.

I make more money here with my job but I'm worse off financially than what I was as an assistant manager in Pensacola. Rent takes all of one paycheck and a little of another. I can't afford anything in my current state and any copay or little necessity is out of the question. I have to do one of two things to fix my situation: 1)Get a second job. 2)Get rid of everything that isn't a necessity.

My apartment is crap. I'm too tired or unmotivated. I haven't even gotten through my unpacking. It's horrible. On my list of things to accomplish today.

My job is pissing me off. In moving up, I earned paid vacation with the title. However, I haven't been able to take any because the AMs take so many days off; and with my boss having had her baby this week, I'm looking at not taking any for some time. That's ok. Spring break? I'm out of there. VACATION! Screw 'em!

I'm unsatisfied. I'm always unsatisfied. I thought it was because I can't appreciate what I have. I've had conversations to this effect; but I think it's because I'm not doing what I want to do. I don't give myself any real pleasure. I use things I'm good at as cause to be satisfied; but I don't do the truely satisfying things especially those that I am good. Why? I'm denying myself my true talents and joy and happiness. FOR WHAT GODDAMN REASON?! Source of my unhappiness. The truth of my depression. Reason more to state emphatically that I'm not bipolar and refuse to be treated with medication and psychotherapy as such.

There you go. No real way to end this. I'm depressed and I don't like it. Now, to fix it?