Light and Darkness

Ready?

First day of November. First day of NaBloPoMo and NaNaWriMo. Still not too late to sign up for either one.

Euthanasia

The first time I ever heard that word was in my high school biology class. I couldn't understand why my teacher suggested Youth in Asia as a topic for a research paper in a science class. Yeah, I know. Moronic. I think I actually picked that topic for Mrs. Allen's class and discovered an amazing amount of information. If it wasn't my topic, then I sure as hell did read a lot on the pros and cons of euthansia for pleasure. Twisted.

Anyways...where do you stand? Are you for or against? Circumstances that you would allow it to occur? Absolute nos? Who should control the approval for such a final act? Should it be the government who allows it for population control and the survival of the human species? A Soylent Green show of altruism? Should private citizens take it into their own hands? But would that lead way to exorbitant numbers of suicides, especially those attempts acted upon during times of strife? Do we kill off the mentally ill or the physically challenged? Do different races, sexual orientations, religious subscriptions become deviant behaviors and do the practitioners of said afflictions become the poster children for euthanasia? Horribly, a dystopian view of the world.

It popped into my head whilst walking my dog, Jolie. I'm down. Miserably low because of the events in my life. The plaguing thoughts of suicide popped into my head. How could my death be a gift instead of my selfish act of not trying anymore? There is no proper way to answer that. But it did lead me to think about my life in twenty years. Could I survive being me for another fifty or so years? Or does the sweet silence of death appear reasonable when I'm sixty-five?

Is your concept of fat misguided?

Often we find out that our ideals are truely out of sync. Influences of others that generally take what we consider healthy, and then twist and distort them into some carnival mirror image. And over time, those once pure ideals become so much more contrived and compromised.

Fat people. Western societies have a general dislike for anyone who doesn't fit in the category of weight healthy or "normal." According to nutrionists and the medical field, normal is a marginally slim section of the spectrum. However, have you ever been introduced to an Asian's perspective? Or a third-world people's ideal? Some consider the belly paunch an indication that you are wealthy. You always eat well. You are beautiful.

Kate Harding has a series of photos up that questions your idea of fat. View it two ways. Play the slideshow without info. Guess who's normal. Then play it with info. Or just play it with the info. If you roll your mouse over the picture as it begins, you'll see the "i" to click for captions.

Thanks to and I wasted all that birth control for the direct and to Kate Harding for the beautiful illustration of why our self images tend to be false.

Loft Style Living

Philosophy of Life: Relax

JPMorgan Chase Building

I'm going to link you to my flickr account to see the series that made the Dallas Skyline photo. Also, a list of buildings in Dallas.

On Canton Street

This was taken in the alley way next to Spirits Liquors Co...at least I think so.

Across the Way

I stood against this building to take the Pearlstone photos. White against that blue sky. Very Greek, Agean Sea like.

The Pearlstone

All of its glory was hidden by that darn wall.

Spectral Sightings

I only know this is a factory and its name is Pearlstone. Found a few things online regarding it but still nothing definitive because I have yet to find pictures to accompany any text. I loved the factory and one day when I get a big girl camera, I'll go back. I've included the original and the edited. Just looking at its tower, I'm reminded of headstones and cemeteries.

Deep Ellum

Deep Ellum is an area of Dallas with its history revolving around entertainment and business.

The Umbrella Man and The Pie

Painted on the side of the Mokah is this great figure; and who could pass up the opportunity to stand beneath his protection.

A Dallas Skyline

Before going to our musicfest at Live@Mokah we drove around Dallas and found this amazing view of the city from a warehouse. Forgive the unprofessional edit of the photo (and the photos themselves). They were taken with my little ViviCam 3783 and merged together using Photoshop 7.0. No editing other than using layers. I didn't want to lose the colors of the sky and I'm really only learning about Photoshop. Ok, disclaimers aside...it was simply a fantastic view of the skyline

Dallas on a Saturday

Will come back and post about Live@Mokah when I've collected my thoughts and edited them down to a workable post. Until then, I've posted some pics at an unframed 5x7. Also, I gave in and started a Flickr account. Some of the photos weren't posting right here. I may end up deleting an unframed 5x7 here.

*stunned silence*

I'm taking Emma to a concert venue on Saturday. Out of curiousity, I was checking out who else will be coming to Dallas in the next few months. And I found something I couldn't believe. Stunned. Seriously stunned.

Hannah Montana is coming in November. Do you know what this child's tickets cost? Cheapest seats are $120. Most expensive: $1505. Yes. Each ticket cost ONE THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED AND FIVE DOLLARS. Don't believe me, you're welcomed to click on the link and find out for yourself.

The Cure - Most expensive ticket is $849. Billy Joel: $740. Jennifer Lopez: $534.  The Police (playing in San Antonio): $1027. Dallas Cowboys Vs Washington Redskins (35yd line behind Cowboys bench): $1499.

It's a child who stars on the Disney Channel. What in the hell?! I'm flabbergasted. I should have become a Hollywood mother when Emma was born!

Two Weeks

November 9th, folks. Mark your calendars now for Nae Day. I gladly accept the following demonstrative acts of your devoted love and admiration:

• Gifts, which may be as small as a good pen or as large as a Richard Branson-like private island
• Money, which is never refused
• Good sex, restrictions do apply
• Dinner, doesn't have to be fancy
• Body massage, never had one before
• Full adoption, take care of me forever

Don't hesitate to think outside the box either.

Scourge

Andy Milonakis annoys the fuck out of me. Talentless shit.

Forgotten Again

Happy four years, fifteen days, twelve hours, and ten minutes Birthday, Vagabond Spirit!

Change in the Air

The weather has changed here. It's cooler and sweater inviting.

My mood has changed also. Sami mentioned Seasonal Affective Disorder but the depression is always in my soul; it's only the physical manifestation that becomes more apparent. I am more depressed each day. Just sad and blue and lonely.

As much as I hate it, it's time to rethink getting professional help again. I really detest that road but I have more responsibilities here and can't let my life be overwhelmed with emotions that can destroy anything I've worked for. I asked for a psych recommend from a co-worker in the area and got one. Now? Need to call.

But I hesitate because so much of what's going on in my head is reaction to situations. What weighs heavy on my soul? No order:

No matter what I do, I'm still in love with Angus and just getting over him is a death defying act. The man has issues. I have issues. To stop loving someone because of who he is would mean I deserve none of the love I get from others. If anyone deserves being forgotten, it's me. Not him. sigh

My child is unhappy. She's stubborn and has always been shy in making friends. She refuses to do things out of defiance. Asking her to try and make friends so she's not lonely is akin to asking her eat jagged pieces of glasses with rusty razor blades embedded in the pieces. And yet, she complains about not having friends. Extraordinary thing is that people like Emmaline. I can't help her. She refuses to let me. All the time we lived in Pensacola, she hated it there. Was ready to leave. Grass is greener thing here.

I make more money here with my job but I'm worse off financially than what I was as an assistant manager in Pensacola. Rent takes all of one paycheck and a little of another. I can't afford anything in my current state and any copay or little necessity is out of the question. I have to do one of two things to fix my situation: 1)Get a second job. 2)Get rid of everything that isn't a necessity.

My apartment is crap. I'm too tired or unmotivated. I haven't even gotten through my unpacking. It's horrible. On my list of things to accomplish today.

My job is pissing me off. In moving up, I earned paid vacation with the title. However, I haven't been able to take any because the AMs take so many days off; and with my boss having had her baby this week, I'm looking at not taking any for some time. That's ok. Spring break? I'm out of there. VACATION! Screw 'em!

I'm unsatisfied. I'm always unsatisfied. I thought it was because I can't appreciate what I have. I've had conversations to this effect; but I think it's because I'm not doing what I want to do. I don't give myself any real pleasure. I use things I'm good at as cause to be satisfied; but I don't do the truely satisfying things especially those that I am good. Why? I'm denying myself my true talents and joy and happiness. FOR WHAT GODDAMN REASON?! Source of my unhappiness. The truth of my depression. Reason more to state emphatically that I'm not bipolar and refuse to be treated with medication and psychotherapy as such.

There you go. No real way to end this. I'm depressed and I don't like it. Now, to fix it?

Defining My Wants

I have a boss (henceforth, will be known as SGM) that I absolutely enjoy my interactions with him. He's inspiring and honest, both qualities that I value. Each time we end a conversation, I feel ready to take on the world...at least parts of it.

My most recent chat with SGM boiled down to this: Finding out what I want and obtaining it. I don't have difficulty knowing what I want. I've never been indecisive. I've been a pussy when it comes to obtaining it or putting my want over the wants of others. I appear indecisive because I won't follow thru with my desires; but I always know what I want. Just can't say it aloud.

Not any more. It's not doing me any good. There shouldn't be any harm in declaring wants. They're my wants so I should be permitted to screaming them aloud if I choose to. Another's response shouldn't concern me. Their response is not under my control and it doesn't change what I feel. So, here it goes.

1. I want to be married.
2. I want more children.
3. I want to publish my words and be successful as a writer.
4. I want to be financially stable...Hell, I want to be wealthy.
5. I want to be in a beautiful body.
6. I want to travel across the globe time and time again.
7. I want a clean house.
8. I want to go to back to school and graduate with honors.
9. I want to live near my closest friends.
10. I want my Angus back in my life.
11. I want Jon to be responsible and answer the questions Emma has about and for him.
12. I want to meet my biological father and his children
13. I want to feel comfortable being Filipino.
14. I want to feel comfortable being White.
15. I want to feel comfortable being Naomi.
16. I want to be confident.
17. I want to be beautiful.
18. I want to be desired.
19. I want to be that woman you have to steal a second glance from because she takes your breath away.
20. I want sex.
21. I want my Pop to show me a sign that he loves me and understands me and is around.
22. I want to reconcile with every person I've wronged or has wronged me.
23. I want to be able to write down the music I hear in my head.
24. I want the courage to live without fear of making others unhappy or feeling selfish.
25. I want freedom from these horrible binds I've tighten around myself to keep from living out loud as me.

Elizabeth: The Golden Age

Cate Blanchett is yet again, divine, reprising her role as Elizabeth, The Virgin Queen. She portrayed the monarch with the fierce strength we've heard of her in our world history classes as well as this woman whose pleasures and freedoms were always at a feather's touch away. I have admiration and sympathy for the woman who was infamously Elizabeth I.

Geoffrey Rush....oye, what a great actor. A man who always pulls interest to him, no matter the role. His voice commands attention even in a whisper. Emmaline made note of his voice also. I enjoy watching him. He acts with genuine emotion and talent. I loved him as the strange writer who by far, the best in the film, The Banger Sisters. As Walsingham, he is yet again superb.

Clive Owen. Juicy, of course. Sorry, Mr. Owen. I am a woman who can appreciate who superbly beautiful you are. Forgive me of my shallowness. Other than being gorgeous as the pirate knighted by a queen, Sir Walter Raleigh, Owen helps us have sympathy for Elizabeth. There was some stiffness in scenes, which I don't know if it was intended by him. Moments in the film that the eye contact between him and Blanchett as well as his body language garnered a love for the queen. At other times, I felt uncomfortable with him and even more sympathetic for Elizabeth. Again, intentional for effect or just awkward acting?

One other actor, I watched whilst he was onscreen. I probably wouldn't have even brought this guy up if it weren't for a quirky little film I recently watched, Danny Deckchair. Rhy Ifans. He played Robert Reston. He was really only an incidental in the film, but I watched.

Films like this one make me more and more curious about figures and events in history. I've always loved delving into history when in school; and I'm thrilled when a film piques my interest to investigate and learn more. Chacracters like Blanchett's Elizabeth are perfect for the silver screen. Bigger than life and captivating from start to close.

The NaNos

November is just around the corner...incidentally, that undercelebrated annual day is coming up, Nae Day. Do it proud this year! Go all out! Gifts, parties, drinks, etc.

Anyway. Time once again for NaNoWrimo and NaBloPoMo. And once again, I'm going to attempt to do both. I've yet to finish the race on either of them but I will continue to try and try and try. I challenge all of you to participate...that and help me celebrate my birthday.

Pillowpants May Have Been a More Appropriate Term.

Remember when I mentioned the ol' donkey porn in a previous post? Well, one fourth of you out there in the internet world have a serious thing about the beast of burden. I've had more visits to my site because of the mention of the violation of said animal than for any other reason.

I really don't know how to comment on that other than the ASPCA may be interested in the results. Seriously, if we're dealing with some sexual frustration, you can always invest in a Real Doll.

Que es mi problema?

Why the hell can't I just stop loving the Angus? I just cried for him again. Like a stupid, love-sick teenager I long to hear from him. That waiting by the phone ritual that every adolescent girl adopts and performs ceremoniously and religiously.....funny thing, changed my fucking phone number when I moved here to Texas so how the hell would he call me even if he wanted to.

He's probably moved on with his life to someone far better than I can ever be. Beautiful, grounded, calm, fantastic, funny, intelligent. Far better.

Goddamnit, that makes me angry. Makes me sad. Makes me want to pound the crap out of my damaged little psyche. Tell her to grow a backbone and forget the man. Call him a mother fucker and be done with it.

Fucking moaning! This is bullshit! Seriously, I need to be kicked in the ass. He's done with me and I need to stop my fucking whining. Forget. Forget. Forget.

Just moronic.

Fucking idiotic.

Cretin, that I am.

Ok....done for now.

Interracial Adoptions

Should people adopt children not of their own race?

With the seemingly scary world of private adoptions here in the States, many couples and individuals are turning to foreign lands and their overburdened orphanages. The paperwork, counselling, money, background checks, and time weed out potential baddies from the parenting pool as well as cement adoptions.

But what about those children here in our group homes and orphanages? Many children outside the infant the years wait impatiently for people to bring them into their homes and give them last names that stand for love and committment and security. And, sadly, many of these children are African-American boys.

In any case, whether it be an infant, Asian girl from China or an African American, male toddler from Tennessee....should a parent outside the child's race adopt him/her? Would a white mother be able to provide the cultural history for that child? Will the child lose part of his/her identity being immersed in a culture and surrounded by a race not of his/her own? Or are there too many children out there that have been abandoned and discarded, waiting for homes and love that color and culture do not matter?

I want to know your thoughts. I'm not swaying you with my opinions....yet.   

Revisiting an Old Post

Do we remember this one, Eight Things to Share? I've completed two so far; and might I say that I've done them in order without even trying. By god, I think I've got this list thing down.

Moments We Rarely Get

I've been talking to Frost quite a bit over the last month and a half, and it's been a welcomed experience. What we've discovered: we're better friends this time around than we had ever been in our past encounters. It's been cathartic and revealing.

Have you ever wondered about that ex in your life? Your first love? Answering yes only confirms that you've also wondered about what could have been. You've also probably idealized the relationship, used it for comparison, and regarded it fondly. Here's the gift in talking to Frost after all these years.....I didn't realize how much I had grown since the last interaction with him. I had held so many things too sacredly regarding the relationship. And my god, were they misleading!

By all means, I'm not saying that it was horrible or that he is horrible; and I say the following with no conceit or ill intentions but I'm over him. I thought I wasn't but I am. Before anyone gets upset at how callous that sounds, I told him the same thing. It's not a bad thing. I just realized how young and stupid some of the thoughts I had about him and our relationship were; and I had a sense of loss when the relationship (and friendship) ended.

Now, things flow easier between us, at least that's how I'm perceiving it. I have no pretense to act a certain way or hide certain emotions. I get to act like the grown-up that I am and be the person I've always been but was too nervous to show those previous times we knew each other. I have no pressure to be anything but Nae. I've had resolution with him and with myself. How freaking fantastic is that?! How many of us really get to say that after years of the end of that one relationship that gets you each time you think about it, you get to go back and realize that the fate of it ending was actually for the best? Freeing, I tell you.

We're friends. I'm very happy with that. 

Of the 6.5 billion people on earth, one can't make an original movie?

Scheduled remakes:

• Barbarella
• Escape from New York
• The Karate Kid
• Star Trek
• Tron

TV to Big Screen

• Justice League of America
• Dallas
• Sex and the City
• The Incredible Hulk
• Magnum PI
• Fraggle Rock: The Movie

This just pisses me off. Yes, I go films that do this. And yes, I'm sometimes pleasantly surprised. I was upset with the whole Transformers movie when it was announced that it was going to be made. I was happy with the end result. Do you know there's a Transformers 2 scheduled for filming? Like we didn't anticipate that. Even though films can do well like the aforementioned Transformers, I'm still upset.

I don't mind books to film as much. But the remake thing is going beyond "Oh, that was a good idea to remake that film." Let's look at what's playing now.

3:10 to Yuma - Originally starred Glenn Ford in 1957. I have heard great things about the remake but again, why? Couldn't a great western have been created in the minds of the Hollywood genius? Or has Hollywood genius become an oxymoron.

The Heartbreak Kid - Starred Charles Grodin and Sybil Shepherd in 1972. If you don't like Ben Stiller (and there are those of you out there), don't go.

Halloween - Its the same but different than the Halloween of 1978 starring our beloved Jamie Lee Curtis. Just like Texas Chainsaw Massacre..."I swear that despite the same plot line, same characters and same overwhelming feeling of hopelessness, it's a different film."

Hairspray - Ok. I really enjoyed this film. But a remake? Rikki Lake in John Waters' cult classic still warms my heart. Hairspray falls into another category of lazy writing amongst the creative folks of the world. Movie to musical/musician's work to musical. Did you know there's a fucking musical called LEGALLY BLOND?! What in Mount Olympus were the Muses thinking?

Underdog - Are you fucking serious? I hated the cartoon as a kid so why the fuck would I drag my ass to this piece of atrocious shit? I'm sorry. I can't do it. I won't do. My kid wanted to see it because of Jason Lee.

The Nightmare Before Christmas in 3D - I like the movie but a re-release every year is a bit ridiculous. Disney is subliminally trying to modify our brain patterns with this Tim Burton gem. Don't they understand the concept of absence and the fonder heart? Hey Disney folks, I have an idea for you.....fund a channel on cable or satellite television and broadcast the film 24hours daily. Was the revenue worth it last year to release it in 3D? I think I may have to look into that.

I want more from my film makers.  Stop the remakes. Stop the big screen adaptations of the small screen shows. Stop doing an English version of foreign films, which is yet another subject that pisses me off. Seriously, movie goers...are you that fucking lazy or close-minded that you can't watch a foreign film once in a while. We are not the center of the movie making universe. Incidentally, Bollywood is much more productive than Hollywood.

Eh, I'm done....for now. But if they bring Joanie Love Chachi to the big screen, I'm driving to LA in a rented monster truck, hitching the Hollywood sign up to a wench, and bringing that bad boy down myself. Film makers, you have been warned.

(thanks to following sites for the info: Snarkerati.com, IMDB, Moviehole.net, and Filmfodder.)