Orange, You Glad I Didn't Say....

I received an eviction notice printed on bright orange paper yesterday. I really don't know what I'm to do. I really suck at this thing called life. I take leaps of faith to improve myself and make better lives for my kid and me and they turn into death defying acts that Evel Kneivel would be frightened to perform. Guess I've not sacrificed enough in my life.

Prayer? Done it. I've done the selfish praying, asking God to just give me money. I've done the praying where I ask God to lead me to a place where I help myself. I've prayed that I just accept what happens and that we will be taken care of. So, what do I do when the landlord is beating at your door and the only money you have won't cover November's rent and December's rent is due tomorrow?

I've asked my mother for help already. She's help with moving. She's helped buying Emma's uniforms. She's helped with paying rent while I've been here. She can't help anymore. I can't even tell her about this because of what that means. And I don't want lectures about how I shouldn't have moved here. I get those already.

I moved here to move up and to become more stabilized in my life. To advance myself and remove myself from the dregs of my life...to believe in myself. And there just never seems to be improvement. Why the fuck, do I try?

GODDAMNIT! I just want to hate and hurt and forget and disappear. GOD, I'M FUCKING TRYING! WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? PLEASE JUST TELL ME!

Comments

[She Likes Purple]

My heart really does ache for you. I hope you have found a way to make rent. I know it's sometimes as simple as just finding the money for this month. I really do know.

And I am thinking of you.