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It's been a busy holiday for me at work. I'm on day eight of an eleven day work week. Forgive me if I don't post anything for a couple more days. I have a few Fresh Fish entries that I'll share when I can. Until then, hope you're enjoying the holidays.
To all my friends and loved ones and everyone else that comes this way by happenstance, I wish you the happiest of holidays.
Last few days have been filled to capacity with emotions, work, and exhaustion. In the last thirty four hours, I've come away with a tired body. Just to give you an idea of what I've been going through...I left for work on Saturday at 3pm. With traffic, I arrived there an hour later. I did not get back home to the apartment until Sunday at nearly five p.m.
That's right, folks. I spent 24 hours at work, and I actually worked twenty-three of those twenty-four. At about 8am Sunday morning, I slept for an hour at a desk in the office.
No....I'm not a doctor or anything extraordinary like that.
Friday was not a good day, but that only was expected since Thursday SUCKED ass. That night ended with my mother telling me that she knew I couldn't do it (surviving here in Texas). She said I was blaming her for everything. Didn't understand why I would move away from her and the awesome life that I had in Pensacola. blah blah blah. She told me to stop being a baby when I started crying on the phone. blah blah blah. So....Friday began with my brother, who never answers or returns my phonecalls, calling me and telling me that he and Mrs. Devine decided to pack up my shit and move me back to Tennessee. I just have to quit my job and go.
I know I asked, no....pleaded, for help with what to do with my life but that just upset me more. Puts things into perspective when people tell you that you suck.
Just to get it in the open, I do not want to go back. If I go back, I'll fucking off myself. Dramatic, yes but shit. I would never hear the end of what a cock up I've made of my life. You might as well stick a red hot poker in my eye. That would at least be painful followed by the instant searing of nerves and cauterization of the blood vessels. I'd hurt for a period of time but I'd at least get over it. Mom's incessant reminder of my failures in life? No thanks.
I feel wanted here, at least professionally. The SGM likes me and gives great advice. He's quirky and successful and wants me to succeed as well. And as a pleasant surprise, I heard from my old GM, the one that I first worked under. The support from him well is amazing and he said he hears only good things about my time here in Texas. Like the SGM, he want success for me and both want me to make a good decision for me and Emma.
No, I don't want to go back to Pcola. I want Emma to be safe though. I don't want the constant worry about life and trying to avoid eviction or starvation. My mother has made it perfectly clear that I couldn't live with her if I moved back so how much better off would I be? I'd still have to find an apartment and have the same expenses as I do here. So, why would I go back to that and ruin any chance of making career steps forward? Just need to find other solutions.
Forgive me for saying this but this is one of those times that I wish I had that husband for support, financially and emotionally. Damn lucky people out there who have that. Hope none of you are taking your partners for granted. And I hope you are giving back as much as you're getting. If not, send them my way.
I need to sleep. At work I cut my fingers several times and they are stiff and painful. The sum of me is stiff and pain-filled. Combine diminished nutrients and emotional drain with lack of sleep and I have a very weak and hurting body. Everything aches and is swollen. I need supplements and sleep, which I am going to do...after a huge serving of orange juice.
Until.
Wasting a perfectly beautiful title for the tripe that follows but the words have been rolling off my mind's tongue for the last few days. Too many episodes of Top Chef. But i use it because I've so much to say and little time to say it.
I am depressed. Very depressed and I'm trying desparately to get over it. My lights were disconnected the other day and I spent what would have gone towards paying for part of the rent I'm behind. That day was a dark day, both literally and figuratively. I sat in my dark apartment with the rain streaming down outside and I cried. I called and texted several people to find everyone busy with life. After the fourth or so person, I stopped trying. It only made me feel worse. My sister did call me back. I wept silently as I listened to her talk about shopping for her boys and work schedules.
There's not much I can do but go on day by day. I've received your messages. Thank you for your concern. I'm working on feeling better. Probably not a healthy way of doing it by just ignoring the pain but what else can I do. If I talk to anyone right now, I'll probably feel worse. Just a few more days.
For now, I need to release. Dark places to come in the next few posts if I can post. Just excuse the whine and the depression and the inevitable desire to be non-existent.
I'm around. Haven't felt like talking much. Just ashamed of things and worried and stressed. Guess I'm just trying to get thru each day. Only way I can fathom things right now.
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