During the course of my life, I've been persistent with talking with that creator of ours. I've felt guilty when most of those talks have been my pleading to The Omnipotent One to fix things; but I had always maintained those spiritual chats. Slowly, over the years I've stopped talking to God as much. I wonder if I can change that.
I think this silence has coincided with the cessation of many relationships or the communications with existing ones. I don't call my sister when I'm emotionally unhappy. I don't call my friends for fear that I'll blab on and on, incoherently about myself. I dial numbers and then stop before going through with it. My fear is that eventually, all will grow weary and leave me...and my problems. So, God? God's been thrown into the lot. Neglected. Ignored. Held at arm's length. Fear of abandonment.
I do have to confess another reason why I don't speak to God as much. I've tried to give name for the reason, but it comes down to simple change of belief. I don't like addressing God in such a finite way. Trying to relinquish this thought that God is He or She. I don't believe in man's concepts of God anymore. Religion both amazes and disgusts me. Fault in all of them because they've been touched by human hands.
My faith in a higher power still exists but not as a conventional deity, and I can't seem to pray because of this changed view. I can't quite explain when it happened. My childhood prayers always went to God directly. I never asked Jesus or interceding saints. I never relied on or liked people praying for me. I went directly to the Thing Upstairs. In my younger adult life, I tried Jesus. Felt uncomfortable talking to him or announcing myself as a Christian.
Don't get me wrong. I believe Jesus lived. I believe Jesus performed miracles. I also believe Jesus was a man who loved God a lot. He was a compassionate man who questioned the 'pious' leaders of his time. Those who were followers of the Sabbath but never of the moral code of men. And he was killed. And martyred. Like people before him and people after him. He upset the unequal balance set before him by corrupt false prophets. Those afflicted with the disease of being poor or unwanted had a voice that resonated without fear. Someone championed them. People followed. Things were changing. And men of religion and power and greed killed him.
Does that make him a God? According to the mythology of all religions....yes. But was he really?
I can't do it. I can't rely on any person's concept of God anymore. It makes me feel unworthy of life. I fail miserably at being confined to this mold of what one religion defines as beautiful and faithful. I've already said I'm fat so how am I to fit into a restrictive, skinny, pre-assembled version of a morally correct believer?
Perhaps I'm deluded. Perhaps I've confused God, yet again, with all the failings of man. Perhaps God has become a metaphor for my dissolved faith in people. Perhaps. But I feel better having abandoned most of the religious concepts I have in my head.
I think religion has its beauty. People coming together to express this love and fear within them. Finding someone similar to yourself? Glory. Who wants to go a dark path alone? I gave my definition of religion a man who was trying to convert me from Catholicism to his Protestant beliefs. Religion is the outward expression of one's inner spiritual beliefs. We are born with a spirituality that is undefined and really can never be explained. It's an innate connection between all things created, from all that existed to all that will. It's vast and simply exists. We get lost, overwhelmed, and scared of that infinite feeling welling up within our souls. To feel grounded and to know we're not the only ones feeling it, we seek each other out. Religion tries to explain it. For that, it's beautiful.
But I don't want religion to be confused with spirituality. Religion is man-made. Spirituality and faith are instinctual. Woven into our beings. Seeing how convoluted religion is, I want no part of it. I admit, I feel a sense of loss because I haven't defined myself in this world as one religion or another. I miss the community but I can't separate myself from God by a man-made definition. Again, I felt unworthy by man's standards.
Now I suffer the repercussions. Does my human prayer betray me? I know I sound like a loon but does praying define me as one religion or another? All religions pray. Do other believers that haven't picked out a religion du jour pray? I've stopped and I feel I've broken the connection that once defined a portion of me. I wonder, again, if I've stopped because of human relationships. If so, am I using my examination of my religious subscriptions as an excuse?
I want God's miracles to solve my problems and give me a better life, but I feel that's a man-made belief that God does that. I become more depressed when I don't get the miracle. I feel I've done something to upset God. I feel unworthy and a non-believer when miracles don't occur. I know. That's not what God is. I try to abandon the belief that God performs Las Vegas magic miracles and does the every day miracle that may go unnoticed; but in abandoning the flash I've stopped asking God to help me. Another severed link to The Omnipotent One.
I'm afraid I'm killing God and I'll eventually be an atheist. I'm suffering from my silence with God. I'm killing not only God but that spirituality that resides throughout my being. Freedom from religion has me losing my spirituality. Boy, one never knows how tied those become until you try to separate them.
I need God and I'm trying to reconnect.