Daughters and their Mothers

I definitely don't give up on things. I may delay. I may work on things at a snail's pace. I may even put aside for years before I tend to it again. But I generally don't forget about something I'm working on. May seem odd that I start this post like this but it's going somewhere....I promise.

The relationship that my mother and I have, is an evolving beast. In the years that I've maintained this site, we've morphed from two women, grudgingly related, who have resisted urges to kill each other to a mother and daughter who actually miss each other.

I've written the foulest exclamations from my damaged psyche that promised no forgiveness for her. Of course, there is embarrassment for being so honest with strangers about my feelings for my mother. Though I can delete all of the posts, I can't erase what I've said. I put it out into the universe. I don't think I should either. I did it to purge some of that darkness from me, and doing so helped me. It seemed to give me more than therapy every did.

She and I have distances to go. I still fear the repercussions of asking her for help. I am shy and uncomfortable with myself and my relationship with others because of my inability to feel like I should around my mother. Distances. I give credit, however to the both of us for trying to make it work.

I still give a nod to my father for this change. It sounds sickening and even feels so when saying it, but he died and things changed between Mrs. Devine and me. I don't know if it's a stark realization that death claims that chance to improve. No more chances to tell people you love them. However it ended....that's how it stays between you. We've not said as much to each other regarding Pop's death but I think we both know that it was our catalyst; and it was unfortunate that tragedy had to make us change. I guess volatile situations take another one to set it on another course.

I know I have said that I hate my mother. And boy, I have. I've never given up on changing things between us. It's changing and I'm thankful....and I do love her.

...Love you too, Pop.