I have never been one to not know how to talk to a man. I don't think there are these big secrets on how to do it; but honestly, I don't have these five key points to share with you. Sorry, Carrie...still don't know what I do. I just talk to anyone, man or woman, as honestly as I possibly can. I listen. I joke. I empathize. I get a little risque. I'm just hoping to have a great conversation and maybe a human connection.
Because of this, I often find myself as the girl buddy of so many men....it was a lot more so in my teens and twenties. And infrequently, I would find that one of my guy buddies would be attracted to me. But more often than not, I'm left wanting the lustful attention that my guy friends and other men lavish on OTHER women.
Read enough of this space and you know the self-esteem I am working with. A lifetime riddled with abuse and conflict. Depression. Loss. etc etc. I feel saddled with so much baggage that jumping into the dating world at my age scares the fuck out of my already fragile psyche. And physically? Woh, let me just jump out of the pool right now.
And the last point is what I've chosen to sum up what makes me Naomi. Forget my intelligence, my wit, and my voice. Forget my creativity, my experience, and my compassion. Forget my sensuality, my passion, and my vision. Oh no. I, Naomi have chosen to say that you should only pay attention to my physical self. I can't say that it's all my fault. That's been the focus of so many people; and I internalize all the criticisms and have made it my focus. So, I'm obsessed with my looks and have generalized that all men are obsessed as well.
Good god...all that to get to this point. I do drag on, don't I?
So...within the last month, there has been some attention directed this way of mine. Hanging with Texas has been cool and has been stroking my womanly ego. It's nice. That and other additional attention. Again, very nice. But it's made me weepy and neurotic. So much so that I broke down and talked to a friend of mine, Brian.
Brian is sexy. ABSOLUTELY FUCKING SEXY. He's that guy that has always been the jock. A jock that got drafted into professional baseball. He was a firefighter, muscular and strong. He's a trained chef. Yum to the Gordon Ramseys of the world. He's 6'4" and athletic. Dark hair. Handsome face. Beautiful man! And funny and charismatic to boot. A woman's wet dream. He's fucking awesome. He's married to Nacole who is fabulous and beautiful. I love them both (and dating them both...we're Big Loving it, folks! I want to marry them). Because of our friendship and his marital status, I feel I have the freedom to talk to him about certain things. And because Brian is a reformed man-whore and I needed an honest opinion from a person on the inside of the beautiful people's club. I called him last week and found it the most revealing conversation.
We talked at length about what men are attracted to and I mentioned that he would never choose to talk to a woman like me. Chiding me, he told me that I don't know what kind of woman he and his friends would choose to approach. I told him that I'm not stupid. Come on! Sitting among other women in a bar, he would not come to me. Again, he scolded me and told me that I was wrong. The only thing I lacked, he said was the confidence in myself. That's it. He conceded and said, yes, for a fuck and one night stand, he would pick someone different. Just because he was looking and wanting that particularly. And he proceeded to tell me how I have it and only needed to confide in myself that I do. He promised to take me out and be my wing-man to prove it as well.
He's not the only one of the male persuasion to tell me these things especially recently. Again, I was surprised with the reaction. My female friends say things to the same effect all the time, but it's different. They're my girlfriends. There's no need to try and get my women to adore me physically. We support each other differently. Emotionally. But people, let's not lie to each other or to ourselves. We need that assurance from the gender we're attracted to that we are attractive. If you're heterosexual, you need that sexual tension that exists between you and the opposite sex. You want your male friends tell you that you're hot and would do you. I think the same truth exists if you're homosexual. Maybe I'm wrong all the way around. But in my case, it's nice to have a man tell me that they find me sexy and beautiful and the shit!
I don't know why I'm finding all this surprising. I'm not so shallow that I'm attracted to people for their beautiful facades, but I feel ashamed that I'm treating people so shallowly. My own hang-ups. It's going to take some easing into this, but it feels nice that maybe...perhaps....I can honestly believe these men, and my female friends, in my life that I'm not so ugly. And yes....I'm desired!