Light and Darkness

The Shy

I check my sitemeter all the time, which is a loser way of saying I'm a loser (insert Beck anthem here). Still scary to see how many people hit this site because they are searching for this. My traffic is generated primarily for three things: donkey porn, gye nyame, and Finding Nemo's Dory song. Odd but true.

However, I do have those few that seem to come here willingly. Thank you! It does wonders for the ego. Without calling you out here on my site, I would love to hear from you. A comment on what things you liked reading here. Or an email. I'm trying to reverse the blahness I've mentioned in the preceeding post. I've said it probably a thousand times that I need to write more, and then I don't. Maybe some suggestions from those that like my little interent home.

I'm going to do some confessing here....I like the attention. I'm shy of the attention but I like it. I don't know a person that doesn't appreciate the attention to what makes them happy and what they are good at.

So, please....fawn over Naomi. I need some serious stroking. The ego could use the attention too.

Waning Personality

I don't think I'm a boring person nor have nothing to say. So, why do I find it more and more difficult to express anything but the mundane in my life?

Rhetorical question aside, my own apathy and ennui is making me miserably depressed and angry. This repression of myself is torturing me far worse than I can imagine hell to be. My child and my life are being afflicted by this compromised living I've resorted to. This moratorium needs to be lifted.....immediately!

Ch...ch...ch...changes

I'm going to keep this brief because I actually get uncomfortable talking about my body here, which is why I generally don't. Over the last few months, I've been losing weight. I'm not going to say how much or how or what I weigh nor or weighed then. I'm embarrassed that I'm fat. I hate that I have been that chick that you either don't want to become (women) or you wouldn't even consider dating (men). Eh!

As I lose weight, my body changes. I like it. BUT the bad thing is that my self-image hasn't changed. I actually think I'm getting fatter. I am more aware of how huge I am. I know I'm suffering from some form of dysmorphic body image. Always have....no, I'm not a clinical psychologist but my self-image and self-esteem are obsessive sorts of subjects for me. Anyways, I feel the change in my body. The tell-tale sign is how clothes fit or don't anymore. Friends around me asking me constantly if I'm still losing weight. So yes....I am changing. But still.....eh!

Having gone on for two paragraphs now about all that shit: I have become less shy of the camera and self-portraits. I've taken them...almost with Friday Kahlo obsession but now I want to see the photos of me. To see the changes. I still don't like full body shots. Eh!

Here's one of my favorites.

Optimistic Mantra

I am ready. I am open.