Watched What the Bleep?! Down the Rabbit Hole on Sunday. I need a new way of living because I'm damned tired of destroying myself.
I am. I may not have a gun at my temple, a razor at my wrist, or a bottle in my hand but I am killing myself. In a slow, seventh ring of hell sort of way, I am killing myself.
Last week, I programmed the suicide hotline number in my phone. That's a declarative with a lot of weight in it. So what does one do after saving such a number to her contacts? She....I look at what the FUCK are the alternatives to suicide.
I do not like that I treat myself with such contempt. I say with utter earnestness that I will help my worst enemy. Give that person a place to sleep, my last crumb of bread, and the clothes off my back. But me? I shit on what I am every day. Why?
I don't even know if it matters anymore the reasons why. It just has to stop.
I asked my friend, Michael to help. A therapist. A creative man. A well-read man. A human who like us all, has transformed through experience. At his nagging (filled with love) persistence of just a couple of days, I got a copy of the Bleep movie. Had heard of it and was curious about it before. No new theories or concepts in it. Things I had encountered through various classes and books and wanderings.
It was the frightening image of seeing the main character Amanda yell ugly remarks at herself in the mirror. I was....I am....her.
I would and have defended people being attacked by another in such a way. So why not me? Why haven't or can't I defend myself? Especially against the vicious self-inflicted attacks?
It can't continue. This way of thinking stops. Not "has to" or "will." It actively stops now.
I've been a parrot repeating the same phrase for two days now. A mantra. My mantra. NEW DAY, NEW WAY. I can't worry about tomorrow and can't undo yesterday. Today is a new day. So just for today, if that's all I can manage, I'm going to try a new way of doing things. A new way of looking at myself. A new way of loving myself. A new way of doing anything and everything. And if the whole day is too much? Then this moment. I'll take care of the next moment as it occurs but for THIS moment? A new way.