Not sex. I'm just wanting and needing a good old-fashioned, boy and girl meet and fall in love romance. Plain vanilla, no married men, no long distance, no hidden agendas romance. The kind where other people envy and crave because we really like each other and there's no secret about it.
I am thankful. I try to remember every day through the briars of depression and struggle. And although, I don't always praise out in joyous refrain....I am thankful.
For my child. For my shelter. For both the jobs. For my menagerie of animals. For my family. For my friends. For Z. For laughter in spite of and in the face of sorrow. For perserverance and hope and trying just one more day. For yesterday. Today. And the possibility of tomorrow.
I thank. For you, whether we know each other or not. You've helped create this world that I fight the demons within my own mind every day to stay within. Thank you for adding to the color of my life and I wish so much happiness and love for you.
Last week I was rambling about the disaster that I am to Z and very nonchalantly he said, "You're more than that."
I wish. I really wish. But at 1am there's no one to convince me of that. No one to convince after yelling at my child who says things that prove I am a terrible mother that continues to make bad choices.
There's no Z sitting calmly in his chair forcing me to check the reality of my statements the other six days a week, 24 hours a day and 23 hours on appointment day.
I've been deathly ill for days now, and I use deathly loosely. Of course, I'm not dying of some hideous disease but I've been suffering through symptoms that have me praying to God.
I need to go to the hospital but hate visits to any medical facility. I just hate the lectures they give me. Yes, I know I'm fat. Yes, I know I need to control my medical problems. I know the bad outcomes of what could happen. I have no money, no insurance, and no time. I get a wee bit ornery when I go that I could be seen as a difficult patient at times.
The last few days have been rough though. Fear that serious things can be wrong. And still, I have so much to do today since I've been incapacitated the last few. I need to see a physician but when?
I am hungry but can't keep anything but water in my stomach. Going to try crackers today. What's really fucked up is that I think I have at least three different things causing my current state.
I saw Z today for the second time this week. I know therapy isn't about feeling good. I leave the room never wanting to go back. I do, of course.
I am having problems stepping outside of myself. Expressing myself. Trusting that others won't go screaming with relief from me and all of the disaster that is known as my life. I just want people to like me and not be afraid of my emotional upheavals upsetting their lives.
I know there's a whole lot of fucked up writing that.
I wish I had spoken up and asked Z if I could see him again tomorrow and/or Friday. I built up the nerve all day long but failed to ask. I can't even ask my therapist for appointments.