I'm not a fucking saint. I'm tired of postponing what I want and desire. Fuck the other people who need Z!
I need him!
Does that count for any goddamn thing?!
My last chat with Z was tonight. I can't help but be mad at God for taking away so many good things in my life. I shouldn't be selfish. Z has a far greater future helping others not be like me. I should be happy with the thought that others will have a man in their lives that will care a great deal for them. Far better for the world.
still very pissed and sad and will be for a very long time
I hope this holiday finds everyone is a happy place. I pray for Christmas miracles for every one. I pray for good health and love. I pray for peace in the world and in each of our hearts, where peace has to begin.
I pray that sadness doesn't overhwhelm you because you are alone, you are strapped for cash, or you are fighting whatever demons you are fighting. I don't have much to give....actually I have nothing. But if there is something I can give you, please ask. I only ask in return that you are in a safe place and you give yourself and the world, and ultimately as a gift to me, another day to figure things out.
Blessed Christmas. Merry Holidays. Happy Midwinter....Peace on earth. Goodwill toward men.
I recently posted a complaint concerning the change in military lift tickets for active duty personnel on the Squaw Valley website. I would like to get the opinion of those who serve in the military, or are connect with family and friends in the military, concerning my post and the reply by the CEO of Squaw Valley. I posted this observation to the Squaw Valley website last night; the post was promptly removed by the host of their Facebook page by the time I awoke this morning. Am I asking too much for Squaw Valley to change their policy? Please read the exchange and comment on what you think is appropriate. Thank you!
My post to the Squaw Valley Facebook page:
I thank Squaw Valley for their continued support of military personnel and their families, particularly during the recent wars in Iraq and Afghanistan; however, a recent change to their policy concerning blackout dates for active duty military lift tickets signals a deterioration of that valued support, a policy change I must bring to the attention of everyone who visits Squaw Valley. In 2010, Squaw Valley provided active duty military service members the opportunity to acquire free lift tickets the week prior to Christmas. Because military members are limited in the time allowed to visit with family and friends over the holidays, this act of support by Squaw Valley was highly praised and deeply appreciated. However, in 2011, the decision was made to blackout these military tickets from December 17 - January 1, a time period many military families choose to travel to Lake Tahoe. Since 2001, hundred of thousands of U.S. troops have remained in a constant state of deployment, risking their lives and routinely being separated from loved ones. Many corporations have shown a deep understanding of this continued sacrifice by providing special benefits to these brave men and women. I propose this level of support not be tarnished by removing the opportunity for military members to benefit from free lift tickets during time periods corresponding to their holiday breaks. Doing so erodes the implicit fidelity Squaw Valley shares with military members. I propose that all active duty military lift ticket blackout dates be removed from both the Squaw Valley and Alpine Meadows ski resorts; doing so would demonstrate that Squaw Valley truly understands the enormous sacrifice made by these valiant men and women in support of all citizens of the United States, an action that would surely garner the continued support, admiration, and patronage of U.S. active duty service members.
Major Trey M. McBride
United States Marine Corps
The response sent directly to me from the Squaw Valley CEO:
While we appreciate your perspective, we are shocked and
disappointed at your comment. As far as we are aware, we stand alone as
the only major resort in the United States that for a great period of
time has and continues to provide this privilege to the personnel of the
armed services; we stand alone in that we don't do this for PR reasons -
seeking exposure or cameras - but just quietly doing the right thing for
those who serve; we stand alone in being the resort which has provided
tens of thousands of free days of skiing over decades and the program
continues. As to our very modest restrictions, we feel this is a
reasonable and prudent decision in that while other resorts talk about
these types of programs and wrap the flag around their shoulders every
now and then, we have and always will be steadfast in our support of
this privilege for our country's armed service personnel.
Andy Wirth - CEO and proud son of Col Pete Wirth, USAF.
So, signed up for Plenty of Fish. Took a couple of personality quizzes. I laugh at the assessment. Apparently, another girl named Naomi took this while I was sitting at the keyboard. What do you think? Fair summary or delusional?
As someone with high self-confidence, you feel quite comfortable interacting with other people. Indeed, you find the company of others very stimulating and enjoy meeting new people. Your relaxed demeanor in groups makes people around you comfortable too. Perhaps because you feel comfortable talking about yourself, others tend to enjoy being around you and perceive you as socially competent.
The confidence that helps you feel comfortable talking to people also spills into your own personal beliefs about yourself. Although you have several strengths, it’s likely that you also acknowledge and accept your weaknesses. But unlike some people, you take full responsibility for your actions—you rarely regret things you’ve done in the past and are not embarrassed easily.
Perhaps the defining feature that sets you apart from most people is the exceptionally high standards that you set for yourself. Your competence in social gatherings as well as at work should provide ample evidence for this. With these characteristics, it’s very likely that people come to you for advice and generally think of you as someone with leader-like qualities.
As someone who is oriented to familial matters, you value the company of family-members and domestic life. If you have children already, you enjoy spending time with them very much and work hard to be a good parent. If you don’t have children, you very much desire having children in the future. And your preference for cooking and entertaining guests at home will likely ease the transition into parenthood.
You take pride in maintaining and cultivating a healthy family and work hard to achieve this. This natural tendency is easily illustrated by your preference for doing things around the house as opposed to going out to clubs and restaurants.
What really sets you apart from people that are low in family orientation is that you know how to manage your frustrations and work well on your own. This means that you are well-equipped to manage a family without letting all the work that is involved wear you down. However, as someone with strong family values, all the work that is involved in maintaining a tidy home and well-stocked kitchen might occasionally make it difficult for you to finish everything that you need to do.
The self-control personality dimension captures the way in which a person regulates and directs him or herself. Being low in self-control can be both good and bad. Occasionally people may be compelled to follow their intuitions and give in to their temptations, and your degree of self-control makes this likely to happen more often than not. This can be good in circumstances where being relaxed and open are important. However, in situations where it is necessary to be focused and careful, you might find that you do or say things that may be inappropriate.
As someone who exerts little control over your actions, you may find that you commit social blunders that might offend other people and get yourself in trouble. For example, if you’re given responsibility to work on a project that requires close attention to detail, you may be likely to overlook important details because you have difficulty staying focused. Consequently, you might feel more comfortable delegating such tasks to other people who are more detail oriented. Being able to recognize such characteristics in yourself and having more detail-oriented people do such tasks could be an effective way to manage your own stress level.
Low self-control may diminish your effectiveness at work. Acting too relaxed can make it difficult for you to focus on projects that require organized sequences of steps or stages. Thus, your ability to accomplish may be inconsistent. Indeed, it’s possible that you might be criticized periodically for being unreliable or unable to “stay within the lines.” Nonetheless, you may still experience many short-lived pleasures and never be thought of as boring.
As someone high in openness, you have a strong appreciation for beauty, both in art and nature. Indeed, it’s likely that you are easily absorbed in music and art, as well as natural phenomena. Another aspect of your openness is your emotional insight; that is, you probably have good access to and awareness of your own emotions.
Another aspect of the openness dimension is the tendency to think about abstract concepts and ideas. This thinking style may take the form of artistic and metaphorical use of language, and/or music composition or performance. Thus, it is likely that, either in your work or spare time, you enjoy activities that get your “creative juices” flowing.
Your tendency to be open-minded can have advantages and disadvantages. For instance, when there are no clear rules about how to approach a particular problem, your openness makes it easier for you to identify new ways to solve problems that might not be very obvious to people that are not as open as you are. In contrast, you may be bored easily in situations that lack high amounts of intellectual stimulation. In such cases, you might have difficulty excelling on projects that do not provide much stimulation or require much creative thinking.
Easygoingness refers to one's ability to relax. Based on your score, you appear to work and play hard. The benefits of being moderate in easygoingness are that you achieve success through hard work, but you also know when and how to relax. Your colleagues and friends likely consider you as reliable and fun to be around.
Being moderate in easygoingness can cause you some stress, however. For example, you may sometimes find it difficult to complete tasks thoroughly and efficiently, which can cause stress for both you and the people around you. You may occasionally experience stress by working hard to reach your goals, but you value having fun and just relaxing. Knowing how to balance both work and play is a gift, and you have the key ingredients for doing this.
You have enough mental flexibility to think creatively and enough focus to implement those ideas well. This might be epitomized by your occasional difficulty focusing on subtle details, but the ease with which you’re able to adjust to changes in your life.
As someone who is neither rigid nor careless, you likely get along with most people well. On the one hand, you recognize the value of working hard and therefore consider such qualities in others beneficial. On the other hand, you know how to relax and thus appreciate people that know how to do this too. Chances are your friends and colleagues perceive you as someone that works hard, but also knows how to have a good time.
How does your personality affect your love life?
With your strong degree of confidence, it’s no surprise that you get along well with most people. Indeed, it’s self-confidence that allows people to feel comfortable interacting with others without feeling insecure and vulnerable. For this reason, you shouldn’t have much difficulty in romance, at least not initially. Your social skills will likely help relieve any anxiety your romantic partners might have on those first few dates. However, over time, the high standards that you have for yourself could potentially frustrate your partner.
Given how much you value family life, you probably get along best with people who share your values and beliefs. In fact, it’s likely that you maintain close connections with members of your immediate and distant family. For this reason, you would probably be most satisfied in a romantic relationship with someone who also values domestic life. Being in a relationship with someone who enjoys going out to parties and staying-up late at night might be fun, at least initially; yet it’s likely that you will find this tiring over time. Thus, it might be easier and more satisfying for you to develop a long-lasting relationship with a person who also enjoys spending time at home and desires starting a family. On first dates, perhaps you might suggest to your partner that the two of you spend a quiet night having dinner at one of your respective homes instead of going out to a restaurant or club.
As someone who is more relaxed than most people, you’re likely be attracted to most people. However, your free-spirited nature might make being in a relationship with a person that is more rigid than you difficult because you might perceive the person as being too uptight and controlling. For this reason, you may ultimately be most satisfied in a relationship with someone that is shares your level of self-control.
Your openness probably makes it easy for you to respect and appreciate people that are different from you. However, when it comes to romantic relationships, your openness might make it difficult for you to tolerate people that cannot appreciate diversity as much as you. Therefore, you may be happiest in serious relationships with people that share your open-mindedness. But, your openness might occasionally cause a certain degree of dependency on your end because you may be so open that you easily adopt the preferences and habits of your partners and gradually relinquish things that make you so unique.
Admittedly, there are aspects of this that ring true but the self-confidence bit is absolutely wrong. Bleh. I wish.
Z put me on Wellbutrin a couple of months. It and Prozac have done a fairly decent job with keeping the depression to a manageable "I only want to kill myself once a month" level. He gave me a script that would last me a few months until I can establish myself with another psych. Hmmm...went to get my refill today and with a discount, the bloody prescription costs seventy-four dollars...and that's the generic formula. Needless to say I'm no longer taking Wellbutrin as of today. From what he's told me, I have withdrawal to look forward to once the level drops.
Pharmaceutical companies can kiss my ass. Nope..nope..nope. Sorry, that's mean and hateful. I hope those people making money off the drugs they sell are having a wonderful time in their posh lifestyles. I hope their children or elderly parents never have to go without the one drug that may save their lives one day.
Forget that.....You fuckers suck! What?! A one hundred percent profit wasn't enough? I mean, afterall, it costs you ten cents a pill to make it. Fuck all the homeless crazies on the street. Fuck the single moms stressing to provide a stable life. Fuck the seniors choosing between food, heating, and medications. Fuck all of you "I have to buy another fucking car and travel between my three continental homes during the year" legal drug pushers.
I was just barely getting by on a lower end prescription of generic wellbutrin.
Fuck, I hate them!
I took a friend to the emergency room last night to have her admitted for psychiatric care. Like me she suffers from those little mental health demons. She has for the majority of her life. I am thrilled that she texted me when she needed the help. More so...I'm glad I was here in Pensacola to be only five minutes away from her.
Despite explaining this was for the best, I am still hesitant to say that it was the right decision to take her. I watched her walk down the corridor with the ER nurse and felt such sadness for her. Such a want to be able to hold her hand and wait with her while an intake was conducted. I felt I had betrayed her for leaving her alone.
I had explained that the staff may not let me go back with her. I would stay for as long as I was allowed. But I still feel so sad that she had to face it alone. When they told us that I couldn't wait with her, her face showed that she was reconsidering this plan. She vocalized that she wasn't going to do it. I bent low to her and said this was a good thing. It's ok to be scared. To throw up. To be angry with them. But let them help her.
Yet....when she walked away, I wanted to just grab her and say to the nurse, "Nevermind."
I may have to wait seventy-two hours before I can talk to her or see her.
I'm praying she's ok. I'm praying this will help her. I wish she didn't have to suffer through this illness that causes such emotional destruction.
I know I did the right thing but I still feel horrible...like I've abandoned her to face this alone.