Light and Darkness

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Happy New Year!

This year let's promise each other to say the words we're too frightened to say because we're afraid of feeling them alone.....before they become words we're too frightened that we don't have enough time to say them.

Christmas 2011

I hope this holiday finds everyone is a happy place. I pray for Christmas miracles for every one. I pray for good health and love. I pray for peace in the world and in each of our hearts, where peace has to begin.

I pray that sadness doesn't overhwhelm you because you are alone, you are strapped for cash, or you are fighting whatever demons you are fighting. I don't have much to give....actually I have nothing. But if there is something I can give you, please ask. I only ask in return that you are in a safe place and you give yourself and the world, and ultimately as a gift to me, another day to figure things out.

Blessed Christmas. Merry Holidays. Happy Midwinter....Peace on earth. Goodwill toward men.

My Yearly Post of Thanks

Generally, I am full of gripe and negativity in my posts...at least it seems so to me. But I try to always find my thanks on a daily basis. If I didn't or couldn't, well, life would be over.

I am very thankful for the life I have thus far. Despite any fear or insecurity, I see that I have gained wisdom with every moment that I have lived. I look to the bigger picture and figure that this is what I have to experience in order to be the best person I can be by the end of it all. So, I guess I see this part of my life as preparation for the next stage, whatever that may be.

New opportunities have to top this year's Thanksgiving list. Without them, there is nothing. I fear loss so much that I sometimes avoid opportunities. Lately, that seems to be my motto in living. Thankfully, the Universe is loving enough to kick my ass and force me into them. And, I rarely go willingly into them; but I find myself there all the time.

I guess I shouldn't look at these movements forward as loss. If I leave a friend or love behind, I should realize that for that period in my life I learned from them to move to the next. If our paths are meant to cross again....they will and it will be better the next time around.

New opportunities. I wish them upon you as well. Don't be so mean to yourself that you're not happy with them. The fear is ok. It's expected. But there is reward in them. I promise. Examine your life before the opportunity. Were you happy? Were you complete? Give yourself the benefit of the doubt that you will do wonderfully in this time of change; and at the start of the next new opportunity, you will be an even grander you.

Happy Thanksgiving, lovies. I do love you in all that you are. As imperfectly perfect as you are. Here's to new opportunities and your strength to face them head on....willingly or unwillingly.

Eleven Resolutions for 2011

As we know, I'm not a list person so resolutions are things that I don't make. This year I resolve to make resolutions. Yes, it's a cheat but one that I can claim on 12.31.11 that I did keep. But I need improvement in my life. I need to hold myself accountable for my desire to change. Sooooo, resolutions. Part one of this miraculous transformation that I need. Because they're numbered, don't mistake that they are in order of importance. They're flying out of the head as quickly as I can think of them.

Here we go:

1. Write at least 30 minutes a day. Okay, honestly thirty minutes is hard to commit. Maybe I can change it to "Write every day." No? Fine....thirty minutes then. Resolutions aren't suppose to be easy. hmpf. Write 30 minutes every day. In my journal. On this site. A story. Poetry. Something. I claim to be a writer but I don't write. That's just not good at all. I think, nay, I know that I've shut my voice and brain down. To protect myself. And I'm a blur. I live like some phantasm....on purpose. Writing helps.

2. Daily photograph. Along the lines of the writing resolution but I love photography and I want to improve. I would geek out in the gear if I had money to buy all the photography equipment I covet; but it's not about all that. It takes an eye and a camera. Keep It Simple, Stupid. I slacked on my 365 Nae but try, try again. Right?! Just need the creative outlets to help reclaim the parts of me that I've been mercilessly destroying.

3. Clean my fucking home. This is embarrassingly the worst thing that I will not elaborate. Depression and apathy feed my home life which feeds the depression and apathy. I'm a hamster at the moment. Strangely, I'm a perfectionist about organization and cleanliness and the time that I have to commit to how I want things is never enough. I end up saying "fuck it!" Extreme perfection or utter chaos. I've always trying to find that utopic, happy middle also known as my Shangri-La.

4. Honest effort with my psychotherapy and open dialogue with Z. What's the point if I'm not going to do either of these? Now, don't judge me. There are reasons that I'm not open with Z. Trust, folks. A lot of people have fucked me. I'm trying to repair this. And I'm not being lazy by not trying. I have a broken compass. I see Z once a week, twice if I'm lucky so all I have to rely on is fucking me. Ummmm, again...me. Broken, fucked up me. Trying. Just need a little help. There really is more to this than what I can explain here.

5. Savings. I am without a second job. The job I have now pays me less than the fuckers at the cookie store. I'm tired of not having something to buffer those hard times. I've tried saving in the past. I'd have a good chunk but things happen and I'd lose all that I had saved. I need that safety net or just that little bit that I can use towards goals like vacations and big expenses like a new washing machine (FUCK I NEED A NEW WASHING MACHINE!) or tires. I need to save.

6. Stop spending needlessly. Would only help with the saving. I don't buy clothes, shoes, electronics, jewelry. I don't drink or smoke. But on the little things that suck money out of you. A trip to RaceTrac for soda. Taco Bell for lunch at work. Pens when I have a million of them. I need to stop trying to gratify the now and trying to fill voids in my soul. SO THAT I CAN BUY THE THINGS I REALLY WANT like a DSLR or a trip to Florida.

7. Stop apologizing. I resolve to do this regularly but I fail every day. I'm always saying "I'm sorry." I hate those fucking words. My whole life I've felt I'm the cause of every horrible thing that occurs. How self-centered is that?! I'm dysfunctional. When an accidental bump happens between me and another person, wouldn't an "Excuse me" suffice? Probably. I need to find appropriate ways to express myself other than an automatic "I'm sorry." I'm not erasing the words from my use because there are definitely times when those words should be said. But two things I believe in regarding those little words: saying "I'm sorry" for the same thing over and over only proves you don't mean the words if you keep doing it and live your life so you don't have to apologize. This one is going to very, very hard.

8. Spend meaningful time with Emmaline. I feel like I'm failing as a parent. I see the aforementioned depression and apathy in my child. What fantastic behavior I've modeled for her. EH! A movie, driving lessons, our forgotten game nights....dedicated time.

9. Parental follow-thru. In the same breath, I need to hold Em accountable for her actions. I fear turning into what I hated about my parents so I've walked away from being a responsible parent. I don't want to fight with her. I don't want her to hate me. I don't want her to grow up hating herself. But those polar opposites that I struggle with? My parent muscle atrophied big time. Not looking forward to the initial implementation of this one.

10. Take better care of my health. I'm not putting lose weight on this list. It needs to be done but that's setting myself up. I need to focus on other things like going to the doctor at the first signs of being sick. Get an eye exam. Brush my teeth even during the most depressed moments. Eat regularly.

11. Finish what I start. I have a blanket I started crocheting for Em years ago. I have photo albums unfilled. I have Christmas cards from a few years ago that never got mailed. I start with such enthusiasm but never finish. Lots of projects and tasks left undone. Neglected and on a forgotten list.

There are hundreds of resolutions that I will inevitably add to this throughout the year. I may not have a written record of my list of thoughts....no evidence, you see. I'm always trying to start anew.

The one that I have not mentioned is probably the one that does top the list as my first and most important priority. I need to be kinder to myself. Z and I discuss this almost every session. How violently mean I am to Naomi. I'm not sure how to do this. I don't know how to forgive myself for mistakes I've made or things I've failed to do. I need guidance but don't know how to trust anyone to give me any.

sigh....

I'm going to try though.

For 2011: Be safe. Be kind. Be yourself.  Humanity is lost when we don't care that we lose one of our own to apathy, loneliness, depression, and illness. I know we don't know each other, but I cry when someone loses the battle against mental health and I would cry for you. I've been there. I'm here in the darkness now and feel very blind; but I can still hold your hand, tightly until we get our bearings...and I have very warm hands.

Happy New Year, everyone!

Welcome to the Pre-teen Years!

The 21st century is well on its way of growing up. We all remember when the world gave birth to this century.

As you celebrate the incoming year, please be safe, tell those you love, every day, that you love them, live with compassion and empathy for others and the world, and celebrate yourself.

Happy New Year!

Holiday Greetings

From my toes to you:

Hope your holidays are a hoot thus far.

Happy Thanks Day!

I am thankful. I try to remember every day through the briars of depression and struggle. And although, I don't always praise out in joyous refrain....I am thankful.

For my child. For my shelter. For both the jobs. For my menagerie of animals. For my family. For my friends. For Z. For laughter in spite of and in the face of sorrow. For perserverance and hope and trying just one more day. For yesterday. Today. And the possibility of tomorrow.

I thank. For you, whether we know each other or not. You've helped create this world that I fight the demons within my own mind every day to stay within. Thank you for adding to the color of my life and I wish so much happiness and love for you.

Thank you. Happy Thanksgiving, my loves.

Near the Top

Today is my thirty-eighth birthday. I want to expect more but is it a little too late at my age?

DAY OFF

Woo fucking hoo!

Moving from First to Second Quickly

My daughter turns fifteen today, and I'm not sure what thoughts of reflection or wisdom I have on the occasion. The only real coherent thought that repeats is "HOLY HELL! How did this happen?!"

I'm trying to decide whose age is bothering me the most, her fifteen years or my nearly thirty-eight. Both indicate that time moves forward with no regard to whom it affects. Its unemotional, separate, progressive constancy is completely unaware of us wee little beings and its influence is huge.

My child is fifteen. I am......overwhelmed. I remember the period of her conception like I was just there moments ago. I'm suppose to wrap my mind around her new age? I can't.

sigh

I know I'm (currently) the largest contributor to her outlook and development. I pray I'm not irreparably screwing that up. Seeing how she interacts with the world gives me some peace of mind that she's doing ok with me as her mother. I feel proud that I'm raising a good person....she's an amazing person!

It just feels like it's happening too fast. Soon she'll graduate high school. Then college. Off to her first career job. Family and children of her own (if she chooses). And, well, I'm still at the moment when I heard her first wail in this world.

We remember our parents repeating Such statements of disbelief when we were kids; and I don't if it was just me, but I didn't comprehend the weight of them then. Seeing my kid reach a milestone stuns me each time. She'll depend on me less and less and I don't know when I'll be ready to let her leave the cradle of my arms.

Too fast. Just too fast. I guess there is no other choice.

I'll just sigh once again.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, EMMALINE! I love you, Pie.