Thank you for taking care of her. Keep it up!
I swear the Universe/God is conspiring against me. You know that squeal that escapes you when you meet someone? That fabulous yet lonely feeling you get when you cross paths with someone and you think, "goddamnit! Different circumstances and this may have been a lovely thing. If I weren't too old...too young...too fat...too...... CRAZY."
My life is the prank of some prickish, Ashton Kutcher god that I really want to kick in the balls.
Universe.....stop being a douche. Love me. Choose me to be your favorite for a while. I think I'm due.
Marjorie died last Saturday unbeknownst to me. I found out on Tuesday when my neighbors came knocking on my door. I had wondered about her health and her life but coming and going from work sometimes keeps me out of the business of the world around me. Evidently, Marjorie's body started failing shortly after I visited her and she had to be committed to the hospital where she died. I know she didn't want to go there but it's not surprising that her son took her there.
When Mr. Devine was dying, my mother decided to let him die at home. Hospice care helped set up the front room to be his death room. There, my mother and my brother cared for him until he exhaled his last breath. He wasn't sick for more than a year before he passed.
During the last days of his life,
I apologize, Senor Almodovar for stealing your title but it seems fitting right now.
It's been a week since my termination. I've cried once during this which scares me a bit. I'm much more dramatic and sensitive for moments like this and one outburst of tears just doesn't seem like me. Anger has been the dominant emotion. Depression and Fear are not too far behind.
I have to decide whether or not I stay in Texas or go to Tennessee. Florida is out of the option because Mom doesn't want us there. Leaps and bounds in our relationship over the last year or so but there are still big snags.
Question for the Almighty Around: What do I do?
I wish I could have an answer. One that pops up on the screen as I type that is definite and amazing and brilliant. One that I know that Emma would be safe and secure and happy. One that I know that I'm going to do well from it's beautiful, all-knowing grace. Uggghhhh.
I came to Texas with faith and hope that I was making a good decision for Emmaline and me. I thought that coming here would give us the opportunity that I had been working for years. I took a herculean leap of faith and then one almost one year to the date of starting my job here, I was fired.
How do I trust any decision I make now? I thought there was great wisdom, maturity, and faith when I decided to leave Pensacola and come here. Was I mistaken? So now....what do I do? Honestly, I haven't made a decision because I'm bloody scared to open my eyes and do anything.
If I go to Memphis, Emma and I live in my sister's house with her family. We get a couch and a floor. I start anew there. If I stay here in Texas, I have no family or friends as support. I start anew here. It should be a simple decision. It should be a very simple decision. But it's not. Never is.
I'm thirty-five years old and starting over another freaking time in my life. No damn stability, so it seems. When does it level off? When do I feel some amount of security in my life? It appears I never will.
How do all you other adults do it? Do you believe in yourself? Does believing in oneself means you have a belief in God? Do you forget about yourself entirely and just jump into the faith of an omniscient entity?
I am scared. And I'm holding my breath for some peculiar reason.
During the course of my life, I've been persistent with talking with that creator of ours. I've felt guilty when most of those talks have been my pleading to The Omnipotent One to fix things; but I had always maintained those spiritual chats. Slowly, over the years I've stopped talking to God as much. I wonder if I can change that.
I think this silence has coincided with the cessation of many relationships or the communications with existing ones. I don't call my sister when I'm emotionally unhappy. I don't call my friends for fear that I'll blab on and on, incoherently about myself. I dial numbers and then stop before going through with it. My fear is that eventually, all will grow weary and leave me...and my problems. So, God? God's been thrown into the lot. Neglected. Ignored. Held at arm's length. Fear of abandonment.
I do have to confess another reason why I don't speak to God as much. I've tried to give name for the reason, but it comes down to simple change of belief. I don't like addressing God in such a finite way. Trying to relinquish this thought that God is He or She. I don't believe in man's concepts of God anymore. Religion both amazes and disgusts me. Fault in all of them because they've been touched by human hands.
My faith in a higher power still exists but not as a conventional deity, and I can't seem to pray because of this changed view. I can't quite explain when it happened. My childhood prayers always went to God directly. I never asked Jesus or interceding saints. I never relied on or liked people praying for me. I went directly to the Thing Upstairs. In my younger adult life, I tried Jesus. Felt uncomfortable talking to him or announcing myself as a Christian.
Don't get me wrong. I believe Jesus lived. I believe Jesus performed miracles. I also believe Jesus was a man who loved God a lot. He was a compassionate man who questioned the 'pious' leaders of his time. Those who were followers of the Sabbath but never of the moral code of men. And he was killed. And martyred. Like people before him and people after him. He upset the unequal balance set before him by corrupt false prophets. Those afflicted with the disease of being poor or unwanted had a voice that resonated without fear. Someone championed them. People followed. Things were changing. And men of religion and power and greed killed him.
Does that make him a God? According to the mythology of all religions....yes. But was he really?
I can't do it. I can't rely on any person's concept of God anymore. It makes me feel unworthy of life. I fail miserably at being confined to this mold of what one religion defines as beautiful and faithful. I've already said I'm fat so how am I to fit into a restrictive, skinny, pre-assembled version of a morally correct believer?
Perhaps I'm deluded. Perhaps I've confused God, yet again, with all the failings of man. Perhaps God has become a metaphor for my dissolved faith in people. Perhaps. But I feel better having abandoned most of the religious concepts I have in my head.
I think religion has its beauty. People coming together to express this love and fear within them. Finding someone similar to yourself? Glory. Who wants to go a dark path alone? I gave my definition of religion a man who was trying to convert me from Catholicism to his Protestant beliefs. Religion is the outward expression of one's inner spiritual beliefs. We are born with a spirituality that is undefined and really can never be explained. It's an innate connection between all things created, from all that existed to all that will. It's vast and simply exists. We get lost, overwhelmed, and scared of that infinite feeling welling up within our souls. To feel grounded and to know we're not the only ones feeling it, we seek each other out. Religion tries to explain it. For that, it's beautiful.
But I don't want religion to be confused with spirituality. Religion is man-made. Spirituality and faith are instinctual. Woven into our beings. Seeing how convoluted religion is, I want no part of it. I admit, I feel a sense of loss because I haven't defined myself in this world as one religion or another. I miss the community but I can't separate myself from God by a man-made definition. Again, I felt unworthy by man's standards.
Now I suffer the repercussions. Does my human prayer betray me? I know I sound like a loon but does praying define me as one religion or another? All religions pray. Do other believers that haven't picked out a religion du jour pray? I've stopped and I feel I've broken the connection that once defined a portion of me. I wonder, again, if I've stopped because of human relationships. If so, am I using my examination of my religious subscriptions as an excuse?
I want God's miracles to solve my problems and give me a better life, but I feel that's a man-made belief that God does that. I become more depressed when I don't get the miracle. I feel I've done something to upset God. I feel unworthy and a non-believer when miracles don't occur. I know. That's not what God is. I try to abandon the belief that God performs Las Vegas magic miracles and does the every day miracle that may go unnoticed; but in abandoning the flash I've stopped asking God to help me. Another severed link to The Omnipotent One.
I'm afraid I'm killing God and I'll eventually be an atheist. I'm suffering from my silence with God. I'm killing not only God but that spirituality that resides throughout my being. Freedom from religion has me losing my spirituality. Boy, one never knows how tied those become until you try to separate them.
I need God and I'm trying to reconnect.
Why would God make me this way? A weight that noone wants to carry. A sore in others' as well as my life. WhY?!
What did I do wrong to be this fucked up? Was I born to be this reminder of what others should not be or avoid? Why can't I just get over all the shit in my past? Why didn't I just be a good girl so I wouldn't be this crappy of an adult? What am I doing wrong? Honestly, I want to know.
I want to know why I can't just shut my fucking mouth when I need to. To remain silent when that's the easiest thing to do. Why can't I be a better person?
I'm fucking up at work. I've fucked up or will fuck up every relationship I'm in. I'm ugly and fat. I'm lousy at motherhood and at the domestic thing. I'm loud, opinionated, impatient, lewd, stubborn, and insensitive.I have nothing to give anyone but grief and strife.
So, why? Am I the reminder to all of you from God to just try harder? Am I the leper you are suppose to avoid? If I were just different. Seriously, I wish I were different.
I've tried, God. I really have. I've tried to not bother anyone with my problems. I've tried to be more engaging. I've tried to stop eveything I am in as little of a space within my soul. Ignore all that I am so that I wouldn't hurt others or myself. I've tried, but I haven't tried harder.
I am so mad at myself for not trying harder. For not being different. For not being more like other people or what I'm suppose to be...and what am I suppose to be?! I must be stupid or cruel or evil for not being better.
God, I hate myself. I hate the mistakes I continue to make. I hate that I can't get this right. I hate not having died so many of the other times.
It hurts so much to be me. I am embarrassed of who I am. I am so sorry to everyone that has known me. I can't apologize enough for not being different. I am so very very sorry. I blame noone anymore. I'm not even angry at God the way that I once was. It's just me. I'm incompetent at life.
I hate that I am nothing and am still here.
I received in the mail today a business size envelope addressed as such:
To the Family of Steven S
Pensacola,. blah blah blah
The return address was Arkansas and the postmark stamp was Memphis. Perhaps a condolescence letter from someone who knew Pop?
HELL FUCKING NO!
My name is Valerie C. (I debated including her entire last name but I decided that would be entirely too unkind of me especially since I will be writing Ms. Valerie back and letting her know what I think of her.) I'm a Bible student, and I understand your sorrow and distress in the recent death of your loved one. I'm writing you because I have some good news to share with you regarding your loss.
Did you know the Bible promises us that we will have the opportunity to see our dead loved ones again? Turn in your copy of the Bible to John 5:28, 29. Here, Jesus Christ says, that "everyone in the memorial tomb (or grave), will hear his (Jesus) voice and come out".
Yes, the wonderful promise of a resurrection of all those who have fallen asleep in death. Acts 24:15
In addition to that, Jehovah God has promised obedient mankind at Revelation 21:1-4, that soon "pain, sickeness and yes, even death will be done away with". Why? Because we read at 1John 4:8, that "God is love".
I hope these few lines have brought you some comfort.
I urge you to seek out one of Jehovah's Witnesses in your area to further explain these wonderful provisions that Jehovah God has in store for mankind.
Thank you for your time.
Ok. Who the hell is this chick?! Oh...and included in the letter was a tract about heaven and shit. Is this how some Christians minister now? They troll about the obituaries and funeral parlors? They scope out the guest books of the decease and just send out form letters to every person who seems related to the descedent? I'm fucking apalled. I'm annoyed. I'm pissed.
I don't need Valerie's idea of Christ if it involves intruding on a family's grieving time in this way. This doesn't give me comfort..to be bitch-slapped with Christianity.
The clergy that performed my father's service did the same exact thing. He tried saving the audience with my father's casket up front between two Marines. He went on and on about how it would be a loving tribute to Steve if we dedicated our lives to Christ right then and there. Are we ready for God if our time came unexpectedly? He asked us, mourners to pray a sinners' prayer. And when those who did finished, he asked those to raise their hands if they did it. He blessed those who prayed. WHAT ABOUT THOSE WHO DIDN'T PRAY?! Aren't those the ones who need saving more? Aren't those the ones who need more blessings? Fire and brimstone and salvation instead of what we were truely there for.....MY DEAD FATHER!!!!
I can't stand people like these two. It's no longer about trying to console the grieving. It's not about really teaching them about a God. It's about scaring them. About adding numbers to the masses. It's a Ford assembly line of mass produced Christians.
You don't even know how angry this letter has made me. The amount of vile putrid anger I have right now for this anonymous bitch. YES! I'M BEING CRUEL! I see her as tiresome as ambulance chasing lawyers. And those Christians who are true Christians? Those religious followers that are devoted and lovely and true to their beliefs, Christian and non-Christian alike, are soiled because of this heathen!
I hope she gets toe fungus!
My friend, Beth has a new blog on MySpace and one of her recent blog entries posted this question of me that I have to respond to. I told her I was going to post a response there but as usual, I was getting long-winded.
Anti-God? I'm not Anti-God. I think I'm anti-man in regards of our definition and rules of God. I get angry at God like any other man or woman created. There are such fascinating and beautiful things in religions but I don't trust them. I think that the majority of us distort God and spirituality to fit into nice little definitions that make what we are doing in our lives right and what others are doing in their lives wrong.
I'm anti-hypocrisy. I hate hypocrisy. Sunday Christians.Extreme crusaders. Zealots that claim what they are doing is in the name of God....everything from those people blowing up buildings to those selfish religious leaders sitting on an outrageous gilded set and transmitting to millions of people worldwide asking for money to support their hedonistic lifestyles.
I am definitely not anti-God. I am human. No more nor no less than those who create religions and make rules and then pass judgement on those who say we as humans are not trying hard enough in life and that's why we don't have favor in God's eyes. I am very much a believer in God. Very much a believer in a Creator. I just refuse to pretend I don't get angry or sinful or "blasphemous" with questioning "why me, God?!"
I don't believe in religion. I believe in spirituality. I believe in God. I believe in being accountable for ourselves and to others. I believe in ONE GOD. God is not male. God is not female. God is limitless. God is infinite. God could care less of us if God wanted to. God can change God's mind and completely decided all the "rules" for living written down by man are NO longer what God wants. God is God. Why are there restrictions on what God should be.
Limits belong to man who is finite and will die and return to the soil. Man is bound...by desires and selfishness and feelings of inadequacy. And because of the mortal coil we are all invested in, we corrupt what is truely God.
I think all of my past entries in the Gye Nyame archives have been more or less about my human soul and my flawed perceptions of God, my struggles with what role God plays in my life, and really, a helluva lot of depression and disappointment.
The prefix anti- suggests complete opposite or contrary to a position. In fact, its definition reads opposite, opposition, against.. I am none of these in regards to God. The Great One is a favorite of mine. Made trees, rocks, the oceans just to name a few. I'm all for more of all of those. I find all this beauty indications of a God that exists and I just don't think I'm against any of that.
So, not anti-God. Angry with God at times. Disappointed at myself for not living up to the beauty of what I could be. Pissed at people who can point their damnation fingers at me and propose to tell me what God thinks based on relgions founded by man, supported by man, corrupted by man, edited by man, and generally fucked up by man.
And if I'm wrong....well, I'm willing to face God with my sins exposed and take responsibilty for all of them.
I don't ask God for things anymore...at least not for me. If I hear that someone is sick or that someone has died, I'll ask God to look out for that person and the loved ones. I ask God to protect Emma. But for me? Forget it.
I've been angry towards God for a long time. I gave God everything when I was younger. So much faith. Everything that I am. At least I thought so. I would beat myself relentlessly for thinking that perhaps I was holding out on God. Such guilt. But now, I just scoff at God. I snub God. I taunt God.
Perhaps I think if I incur the wrath of God, I'll have some attention from the Almighty. Proof that God exists.
Isn't that what's happening now? Seems like I shouldn't complain for all the crap in my life. I've brought it upon myself.
Non-believers and fucking optimists will advise me to just do it. Make my mind up and just change my life. To you, I give you the finger and say FUCK YOU! Take your worse imaginable day and multiply it a thousand fold. Then tell me whether or not you can get your fucking optimist ass out of bed and just take charge of your life. FUCK YOU!!! I'll fucking bash your face in if you tell me to just overcome this shit.
Followers of God, just don't talk to me. You don't know what you are talking about. Unless God, itself, came down from the throne on high, wrote a personal message for me, and asked you to deliver it to me personally.....I'm not listening to you. You don't know what God thinks about me. And the Bible doesn't mean jack. Honestly, man wrote it and it's a nice pamphlet and all....sort of guidelines...but it's not God.
I think that under the circumstances of my life, I've done alright for myself. I've not killed anyone in my fits of rage. I've never been arrested. I've curbed most of my immoral and impetuous instincts so much so that I'm a zombie within. BUT...and this is a big ass BUT...I'm not strong. I've never been that strong. I've only just survived, waiting for someone or something bigger than me to fucking help. I've been promised that for so long. All of the spiritually inclined which includes every friggin person on this fucking piece of rock called Earth (and don't argue scientists or whatnot because their religion and spirituality is tied up in a different form of mysticism and such and honestly, I'm not in the mood for anyone to disagree with me right now...want a fight? Go sod yourself!)
I had decided to not send Em with my sister. The separation would have been to great for the both of us. Other circumstances such as money, space, and adjustment were of issue also. Instead, I had opted to make things stronger here for the both of us after a committment to the hospital. My mother who I have very s-l-o-w-l-y started talking to, had offered to help when she initiated contact on Em's birthday. I was hesitant. Alway am. But she said she would help if I need to seek out psychiatric help. I asked her yesterday if she would help with Em, allowing her to stay with her. "It will cut into my time, but I guess I can pick Em up and drop her off at school." Trying to explain that I needed more, she started yelling at me about everyone else in her life: my brother, her employees, and the fact that I made Jenn come here to take Em with her and then didn't send Em. Basically, Mrs. Devine's help is a patronizing hand extended as a disclaimer that she offered me assistance.
God is no different.
I wish I could say that God doesn't exist. But God does. As easily as I can say that my hair is brown, I can say God exists. So, what the fuck?! Was I that evil in a previous incarnation?
Unless you plan to drive to Pensacola to care for Em while I commit myself for a much needed visit to the loony bin...don't say shit. I don't want to hear it.
I've been doing things 'not me' lately. Craving cigs, pot, and alcohol. I've indulged in all. Hearing voices. Calling my name. Talking. Almost like ghosts in the house. Quieting the need to yell at random people...even wanting to get into physical altercations with them. Violent, self-abusive, sexual thoughts. Will not engage in any of them for fear of being killed. My heart has been chaotic. Sometimes pounding so violently in my chest and throat. Other times so silent, I almost convince myself that I'm not alive. And the chestpains have been unbearable....fear I've been having mini cardiac episodes of something or another. Been scared that I'll turn the corner and find the devil waiting for me. Been very uncautious on the road, swerving unintentionally into other lanes of traffic and onto the shoulder....just drifting in the car going well over the speed limit.
And I ask....Where's God?
I've already posted this at the PlanetThoughtful message board, but not everyone who reads this goes there.
If God gave you the opportunity to ask Him/Her a question that He/She would answer without fail, what would you ask?
Ok. I admit that I watch a few things that are rather strange. I LOVE shopping television.
Informercials and shopping conglomerates like QVC and HSN are the best form of entertainment. My brother agrees. We can go hours on the stuff. I mean...they make it look so affordable with their payment plans and price reductions. AND the product will surely change my world. LOVE THEM!!!
I also watch the Christian channels namely the televangelists. There are two stations here in Pcola without having to purchase cable. There is the Trinity Broadcast Network (TBN) and the Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN).
Not all the ministers on these are bad. Without sarcasm, I truly like Bishop TD Jakes to whom I first heard of living in the homeless shelter. He's a charismatic man that genuinely seems down to earth and empathetic. I have a certain fondness for Paula White.
But everyone else...forget it. I haven't seen anyone else that I like.
I think what really drives me to watch most of these people is the desire to get angry at someone. I am amazed at the amount of money that these people acquire for their interpretation of God's being. And I get so enraged that these people want to save me but in order for me to hear those divine messages I have to pay $20 or so for a VHS copy or tape of their sermons.
NONE of the televangelists are free from charging money for God's word.
And sitting on gold gilded sets. And laying of hands. And prophecies. And strict right wing conservacy. And the judging of others' lives.
The hypocrisy of it all slays me.
How many of them would give up their gold and silver to truly serve God? Give away all their comforts to get their hands dirty and work with the untouchables of society? Be like St. Francis of Assisi?
I'd quote REM but don't wanna.
I'm trying to find a new religion to invest in. I feel very alone not communing with others about God or the creator or whatever the hell you want to use. I don't think there is a proper name for the deity.
Sooo, what religion am I?
Do I really subscribe to being a Christian? I'm not sure. When I was a child, I learned about Christ but I didn't pray to him or even really pay any true spiritual attention to him. I took all my cares and worries and prayers to the source, God. To this day, I spend more time talking to the top dog. I want to learn more about Jesus in a anthropological/archeological/historical manner. Learn more about him as a figure in history compared to a religious way. Not to lessen his meaning but to see him as a person. I'd like to see his role and its impact on men and how it changed religions....nothing about his miraculous incarnation. I want to see him strictly as a man of our history.
My beliefs. What religion do they resemble more? I believe in God's duality. I don't think that evil and good are separate forces. I believe that NOTHING exists on its own separate from God. God is truely omnipotent, omnipresent, and omniscient. If this is my belief; then what men has defined as the devil, Satan, evil can NOT rule side by side with God. It cannot have the same amount of power or influence and be separate from God. If so, then Christianity is not a monotheistic religion. It's polytheistic. I believe in only one God. The evil can only exist with God's permission. Correct? Only way I can see this being possible is having God control the good and the bad. If using the Bible as reference, Job supports this. The devil had to have permission from God to test Job. God allowed the ills that fell upon Job's house.
God's duality leads to questions like is the Trinity true? If God's good side is split into three personas, then wouldn't it be safe to assume that the evil side would have more than one incarnation? If not more than one, then God should at least be defined other than being the Trinity....there's the ever presence of bad.
This isn't saying that I condone wickedness or evil or ill-treatment of one another. I believe there is a balance. Many Asian religions incorporate this belief of balance. And it's not a matter of one side winning over the other. Any situation, trial, tribulation can be seen as a joyful blessing of God or temptation of the devil. Isn't it both? Isn't it then a testament of how man overcomes it all? A test of how he balances the nature of it all? Does he succumb to the negative energies or rise above them and survive?
Man's goal is to overcome the sinful nature of himself. I define sin as anything that separates us from God. We try to overcome the test of emotional, mental, and physical adversities to become one with this mysterious power we know as Creator. God is perfect and infinite...perfect and infinite balance, knowledge, and being...and our movements through life are to attain that perfect connection with him/her nd withing ourselves.
Another belief....ALL RELIGIONS ARE FALSE. Anything man-made is full of fallacies. I don't care if something was divinely inspired. The innerworkings of man will always...always....interpret the messages for his own benefit. All religions' roots are from a previous religion. They start the same way. Followers believe in all the tenets of a religion except for that one thing. Perhaps it was whether or not you can eat pork, wash your hair, worship idols, believe in divorce, etc...Someone disagreed with one or two things and developed a new sect, religion, denomination. So...religions are inherently false and created for the benefit of man's ease and pleasure....sort of makes you question why I want to find a religion, yes?
I believe that throughout the ages there have been men and women who have come close to that delicate relationship between God and us. We have/had prophets who achieved more wisdom and spiritual strength. I think these people span all the world religions which leads me back to wondering what role Christ plays in our lives?
Thousands of questions race about my head. I know I truely won't find one religion that ultimately describes my personal spirituality. I hate that I'm starting at square one with finding my religious place in the world. I'm not trying to start a whole new belief system. I think I'm just looking for a spiritual leader that could help guide me. Perhaps a guru that can help me synchronize all the thoughts and voices within me so that I can focus on building my own relationship with God. I need someone worldly and wise that listens to her/his own quiet whisperings and doesn't want me to worship at any man's religious altar. A teacher that raises questions and perhaps answers others. I need to be someone's Grasshopper.
I had a nightmare Tuesday night that left me scared to my core. I don't recall all the aspects of it save for a few moments.
I was standing behind Christ's left side about a hundred feet. He was crucified and still alive. The amount of energy I felt in my soul leads me to believe that I saw the entire Passion played out before that moment. I was terribly upset and think I was crying hysterically. I recall that there were some people there but have details of who. I was fixed on watching Jesus. Then he turned to look at me, straining his neck to face me. He was dirty and bloody and quite sad. There was accusation in his eyes. Then suddenly he was beheaded. His decapitated head rolled to my feet. I was screaming.
I woke up at this point and was scared of what was in the house. I was afraid of the dark and what it held. I wandered from my room to the living room where I felt safer to sleep. I quickly forced myself to think of other things before my eyes slid shut. My heart was racing. My face and chest ached like I had been crying hard for hours. But the worse feeling was that Jesus was royally pissed at me. That he was going to find me and take revenge. And I never felt more responsible in my life.
I only felt responsible when he looked at me. Until that point, I felt removed. I was weeping over his torture. I was upset that people, other people not me, had done this to him.
I'm fearful of my religious dreams. I have them often and they are not pleasant. They mostly contain demons and the lot.
I've been in a violent mood the last few days. It's hard to express what's going on in my soul right now without one of you, if not all of you, fearing for outcomes.
I hate God. I wonder why he hates me so much. This punishment called my life. And why the hell does he have to make Em suffer. Perhaps the fuck that called CPS is right. Perhaps I'm an unfit mother. I question it all the time, don't I? You are all witness to that.
I think I feel violent because I have no control over anything. I'm suppose to sit here and wait for God to bless me with some miraculous reminder that I deserve so much and am a child of God. Is he trying to humble me, take everything away from me, remind me that I'm nothing without him?
I think sometimes it's working. I am nothing. I can't give anything of myself to anyone because I hate it all. I want to smash what I am against a window, breaking it, and embedding the jagged shards deep into my flesh.
I want to rip my hair out deep at the roots, pulling scalp away with it. And what I don't tear from my head, I want to douse with gasoline and set aflame.
I want to wrap a knotted rope around my throat, crushing my windpipe, and pulling tight until the pain is choking.
I want to mangle my fingers in fast-rotating blades until they are mere mince meat.
I want to disappear from this misery that God has imprisoned me in.
What did I do?
Was it my childhood self that angered God when I refused to play puppet to my mother's affairs?
Was it my adolescent self that tried to run away from angry parents and got as far as the apartment poolhouse?
Was it my twenty-one year old self that finally hit my mother back after so many years of punches?
Was it my thirty year old self that told my father that not informing me of his wedding plans was thoughtless especially since he let near strangers know about them?
What? What was it?
The anger that has continued to build inside since birth against the mistreatment of me? For not letting it go?
What the fuck am I suppose to do to change it?
WHY?! What did my mother do to erase all her ills to be so fucking blessed? And my father? Did he and my mother offer a sacrifice to this almighty God of ours? Am I it?
I can't get a grip. I want to scream out and punish someone for this life of mine. I'm tired of prayers and thoughts and bullshit like that. HAS IT HELPED?! Tell me? Am I better off for praying, for your prayers?
Am I suppose to sacrifice something? I sure as hell won't sacrifice Em.
Am I suppose to not be angry? How can someone not be angry? It's only getting worse. I'm suppose to be passive and let this happen? Smile and thank God for life...what life?
I'm tired. I really am. If I didn't fucking care, I would have given up. I would have slashed my wrists. I would have swallowed the pills. I would have driven off the bridge. I would have used the gun. BUT I HAVEN'T GIVEN UP! I'm angry.
Do you think that people who scream this fucking loud don't want to live? Do you think that most of the people who commit suicide didn't want to live? THAT'S BULLSHIT! FUCKING BULLSHIT!!! People who mourn and cry and scream and get angry want to live. They want life. They just want to have life in their hands. Not the fading in and out that this kind of misery gives. This life I live. This body I have. This mind and soul, and heart...they are worse than death and hell.
All that I am is questioned.
I talk to God every day. I plead with him. I beg. I try to relinquish my sorrows and worries and anxieties and fears and anger...to him. I've given him my joy. I thank him for my day.
But where is he?
I have no control. And it makes me angry. I abuse myself because of it. I should be better. I should be a success. I should be somewhere else in my life...at a different point.
But I'm here. I'm nowhere.
And I'm angry. I'm so mad at everyone who seems to be further ahead and only looks behind to say "I'm here for you. I'm praying for you. You're a good person. You should...and...try...."
It's not going to stop, is it?
What can you do for me? Fix this. Take some of this off my shoulders. Get pass my "No, I'm ok" and my "I don't need anything" or my "I'm fine." Get pass that and do something. I don't know what to give you. I don't know what I need but I need it soon. I'm losing.
I'm suffering a slow death. I'm drowning and I refuse to let Em go down with me. I fear she will be what's taken from me next.
God hates me. And I hate him.