Light and Darkness

Conversations I Should Be Having with God

During the course of my life, I've been persistent with talking with that creator of ours. I've felt guilty when most of those talks have been my pleading to The Omnipotent One to fix things; but I had always maintained those spiritual chats. Slowly, over the years I've stopped talking to God as much. I wonder if I can change that.

I think this silence has coincided with the cessation of many relationships or the communications with existing ones. I don't call my sister when I'm emotionally unhappy. I don't call my friends for fear that I'll blab on and on, incoherently about myself. I dial numbers and then stop before going through with it. My fear is that eventually, all will grow weary and leave me...and my problems. So, God? God's been thrown into the lot. Neglected. Ignored. Held at arm's length. Fear of abandonment.

I do have to confess another reason why I don't speak to God as much. I've tried to give name for the reason, but it comes down to simple change of belief. I don't like addressing God in such a finite way. Trying to relinquish this thought that God is He or She. I don't believe in man's concepts of God anymore. Religion both amazes and disgusts me. Fault in all of them because they've been touched by human hands.

My faith in a higher power still exists but not as a conventional deity, and I can't seem to pray because of this changed view. I can't quite explain when it happened. My childhood prayers always went to God directly. I never asked Jesus or interceding saints. I never relied on or liked people praying for me. I went directly to the Thing Upstairs. In my younger adult life, I tried Jesus. Felt uncomfortable talking to him or announcing myself as a Christian.

Don't get me wrong. I believe Jesus lived. I believe Jesus performed miracles. I also believe Jesus was a man who loved God a lot. He was a compassionate man who questioned the 'pious' leaders of his time. Those who were followers of the Sabbath but never of the moral code of men. And he was killed. And martyred. Like people before him and people after him. He upset the unequal balance set before him by corrupt false prophets. Those afflicted with the disease of being poor or unwanted had a voice that resonated without fear. Someone championed them. People followed. Things were changing. And men of religion and power and greed killed him.

Does that make him a God? According to the mythology of all religions....yes. But was he really?

I can't do it. I can't rely on any person's concept of God anymore. It makes me feel unworthy of life. I fail miserably at being confined to this mold of what one religion defines as beautiful and faithful. I've already said I'm fat so how am I to fit into a restrictive, skinny, pre-assembled version of a morally correct believer?

Perhaps I'm deluded. Perhaps I've confused God, yet again, with all the failings of man. Perhaps God has become a metaphor for my dissolved faith in people. Perhaps. But I feel better having abandoned most of the religious concepts I have in my head.

I think religion has its beauty. People coming together to express this love and fear within them. Finding someone similar to yourself? Glory. Who wants to go a dark path alone? I gave my definition of religion a man who was trying to convert me from Catholicism to his Protestant beliefs. Religion is the outward expression of one's inner spiritual beliefs. We are born with a spirituality that is undefined and really can never be explained. It's an innate connection between all things created, from all that existed to all that will. It's vast and simply exists. We get lost, overwhelmed, and scared of that infinite feeling welling up within our souls. To feel grounded and to know we're not the only ones feeling it, we seek each other out. Religion tries to explain it. For that, it's beautiful.

But I don't want religion to be confused with spirituality. Religion is man-made. Spirituality and faith are instinctual. Woven into our beings. Seeing how convoluted religion is, I want no part of it. I admit, I feel a sense of loss because I haven't defined myself in this world as one religion or another. I miss the community but I can't separate myself from God by a man-made definition. Again, I felt unworthy by man's standards.

Now I suffer the repercussions. Does my human prayer betray me? I know I sound like a loon but does praying define me as one religion or another? All religions pray. Do other believers that haven't picked out a religion du jour pray? I've stopped and I feel I've broken the connection that once defined a portion of me. I wonder, again, if I've stopped because of human relationships. If so, am I using my examination of my religious subscriptions as an excuse?

I want God's miracles to solve my problems and give me a better life, but I feel that's a man-made belief that God does that. I become more depressed when I don't get the miracle. I feel I've done something to upset God. I feel unworthy and a non-believer when miracles don't occur. I know. That's not what God is. I try to abandon the belief that God performs Las Vegas magic miracles and does the every day miracle that may go unnoticed; but in abandoning the flash I've stopped asking God to help me. Another severed link to The Omnipotent One.

I'm afraid I'm killing God and I'll eventually be an atheist. I'm suffering from my silence with God. I'm killing not only God but that spirituality that resides throughout my being. Freedom from religion has me losing my spirituality. Boy, one never knows how tied those become until you try to separate them.

I need God and I'm trying to reconnect.

To God...Help!

Why?!

Why would God make me this way? A weight that noone wants to carry. A sore in others' as well as my life. WhY?!

What did I do wrong to be this fucked up? Was I born to be this reminder of what others should not be or avoid? Why can't I just get over all the shit in my past? Why didn't I just be a good girl so I wouldn't be this crappy of an adult? What am I doing wrong? Honestly, I want to know.

I want to know why I can't just shut my fucking mouth when I need to. To remain silent when that's the easiest thing to do. Why can't I be a better person?

I'm fucking up at work. I've fucked up or will fuck up every relationship I'm in. I'm ugly and fat. I'm lousy at motherhood and at the domestic thing. I'm loud, opinionated, impatient, lewd, stubborn, and insensitive.I have nothing to give anyone but grief and strife.

So, why? Am I the reminder to all of you from God to just try harder? Am I the leper you are suppose to avoid? If I were just different. Seriously, I wish I were different.

I've tried, God. I really have. I've tried to not bother anyone with my problems. I've tried to be more engaging. I've tried to stop eveything I am in as little of a space within my soul. Ignore all that I am so that I wouldn't hurt others or myself. I've tried, but I haven't tried harder.

I am so mad at myself for not trying harder. For not being different. For not being more like other people or what I'm suppose to be...and what am I suppose to be?! I must be stupid or cruel or evil for not being better.

God, I hate myself. I hate the mistakes I continue to make. I hate that I can't get this right. I hate not having died so many of the other times.

It hurts so much to be me. I am embarrassed of who I am. I am so sorry to everyone that has known me. I can't apologize enough for not being different. I am so very very sorry. I blame noone anymore. I'm not even angry at God the way that I once was. It's just me. I'm incompetent at life.

I hate that I am nothing and am still here.

Get Behind Me, Satan

I received in the mail today a business size envelope addressed as such:

To the Family of Steven S
c/o Naomi
...
Pensacola,. blah blah blah

The return address was Arkansas and the postmark stamp was Memphis. Perhaps a condolescence letter from someone who knew Pop?

HELL FUCKING NO!

Hello:
    My name is Valerie C. (I debated including her entire last name but I decided that would be entirely too unkind of me especially since I will be writing Ms. Valerie back and letting her know what I think of her.) I'm a Bible student, and I understand your sorrow and distress in the recent death of your loved one. I'm writing you because I have some good news to share with you regarding your loss.
    Did you know the Bible promises us that we will have the opportunity to see our dead loved ones again? Turn in your copy of the Bible to John 5:28, 29. Here, Jesus Christ says, that "everyone in the memorial tomb (or grave), will hear his (Jesus) voice and come out".
    Yes, the wonderful promise of a resurrection of all those who have fallen asleep in death. Acts 24:15
    In addition to that, Jehovah God has promised obedient mankind at Revelation 21:1-4, that soon "pain, sickeness and yes, even death will be done away with". Why? Because we read at 1John 4:8, that "God is love".
    I hope these few lines have brought you some comfort.
    I urge you to seek out one of Jehovah's Witnesses in your area to further explain these wonderful provisions that Jehovah God has in store for mankind.

Thank you for your time.

Ok. Who the hell is this chick?! Oh...and included in the letter was a tract about heaven and shit.  Is this how some Christians minister now?  They troll about the obituaries and funeral parlors? They scope out the guest books of the decease and just send out form letters to every person who seems related to the descedent? I'm fucking apalled. I'm annoyed. I'm pissed.

I don't need Valerie's idea of Christ if it involves intruding on a family's grieving time in this way. This doesn't give me comfort..to be bitch-slapped with Christianity.

The clergy that performed my father's service did the same exact thing. He tried saving the audience with my father's casket up front between two Marines. He went on and on about how it would be a loving tribute to Steve if we dedicated our lives to Christ right then and there. Are we ready for God if our time came unexpectedly? He asked us, mourners to pray a sinners' prayer. And when those who did finished, he asked those to raise their hands if they did it. He blessed those who prayed. WHAT ABOUT THOSE WHO DIDN'T PRAY?! Aren't those the ones who need saving more? Aren't those the ones who need more blessings? Fire and brimstone and salvation instead of what we were truely there for.....MY DEAD FATHER!!!!

I can't stand people like these two. It's no longer about trying to console the grieving. It's not about really teaching them about a God. It's about scaring them. About adding numbers to the masses. It's a Ford assembly line of mass produced Christians.

You don't even know how angry this letter has made me. The amount of vile putrid anger I have right now for this anonymous bitch. YES! I'M BEING CRUEL! I see her as tiresome as ambulance chasing lawyers. And those Christians who are true Christians? Those religious followers that are devoted and lovely and true to their beliefs, Christian and non-Christian alike, are soiled because of this heathen!

I hope she gets toe fungus!

"What's up with this anti-God thing."

My friend, Beth has a new blog on MySpace and one of her recent blog entries posted this question of me that I have to respond to. I told her I was going to post a response there but as usual, I was getting long-winded.

What's up with this anti-God thing?

Anti-God? I'm not Anti-God. I think I'm anti-man in regards of our definition and rules of God. I get angry at God like any other man or woman created. There are such fascinating and beautiful things in religions but I don't trust them. I think that the majority of us distort God and spirituality to fit into nice little definitions that make what we are doing in our lives right and what others are doing in their lives wrong.

I'm anti-hypocrisy. I hate hypocrisy. Sunday Christians.Extreme crusaders. Zealots that claim what they are doing is in the name of God....everything from those people blowing up buildings to those selfish religious leaders sitting on an outrageous gilded set and transmitting to millions of people worldwide asking for money to support their hedonistic lifestyles.

I am definitely not anti-God. I am human. No more nor no less than those who create religions and make rules and then pass judgement on those who say we as humans are not trying hard enough in life and that's why we don't have favor in God's eyes. I am very much a believer in God. Very much a believer in a Creator. I just refuse to pretend I don't get angry or sinful or "blasphemous" with questioning "why me, God?!"

I don't believe in religion. I believe in spirituality. I believe in God. I believe in being accountable for ourselves and to others. I believe in ONE GOD. God is not male. God is not female. God is limitless. God is infinite. God could care less of us if God wanted to. God can change God's mind and completely decided all the "rules" for living written down by man are NO longer what God wants. God is God. Why are there restrictions on what God should be.

Limits belong to man who is finite and will die and return to the soil. Man is bound...by desires and selfishness and feelings of inadequacy. And because of the mortal coil we are all invested in, we corrupt what is truely God.

I think all of my past entries in the Gye Nyame archives have been more or less about my human soul and my flawed perceptions of God, my struggles with what role God plays in my life, and really, a helluva lot of depression and disappointment.

The prefix anti- suggests complete opposite or contrary to a position. In fact, its definition reads opposite, opposition, against.. I am none of these in regards to God. The Great One is a favorite of mine. Made trees, rocks, the oceans just to name a few. I'm all for more of all of those. I find all this beauty indications of a God that exists and I just don't think I'm against any of that.

So, not anti-God. Angry with God at times. Disappointed at myself for not living up to the beauty of what I could be. Pissed at people who can point their damnation fingers at me and propose to tell me what God thinks based on relgions founded by man, supported by man, corrupted by man, edited by man, and generally fucked up by man.

And if I'm wrong....well, I'm willing to face God with my sins exposed and take responsibilty for all of them.

Absence

I don't ask God for things anymore...at least not for me. If I hear that someone is sick or that someone has died, I'll ask God to look out for that person and the loved ones. I ask God to protect Emma. But for me? Forget it.

I've been angry towards God for a long time. I gave God everything when I was younger. So much faith. Everything that I am. At least I thought so. I would beat myself relentlessly for thinking that perhaps I was holding out on God. Such guilt. But now, I just scoff at God. I snub God. I taunt God.

Perhaps I think if I incur the wrath of God, I'll have some attention from the Almighty. Proof that God exists.

Isn't that what's happening now? Seems like I shouldn't complain for all the crap in my life. I've brought it upon myself.

Non-believers and fucking optimists will advise me to just do it. Make my mind up and just change my life. To you, I give you the finger and say FUCK YOU! Take your worse imaginable day and multiply it a thousand fold. Then tell me whether or not you can get your fucking optimist ass out of bed and just take charge of your life. FUCK YOU!!! I'll fucking bash your face in if you tell me to just overcome this shit.

Followers of God, just don't talk to me. You don't know what you are talking about. Unless God, itself, came down from the throne on high, wrote a personal message for me, and asked you to deliver it to me personally.....I'm not listening to you. You don't know what God thinks about me. And the Bible doesn't mean jack. Honestly, man wrote it and it's a nice pamphlet and all....sort of guidelines...but it's not God.

I'm mad.

I think that under the circumstances of my life, I've done alright for myself. I've not killed anyone in my fits of rage. I've never been arrested. I've curbed most of my immoral and impetuous instincts so much so that I'm a zombie within. BUT...and this is a big ass BUT...I'm not strong. I've never been that strong. I've only just survived, waiting for someone or something bigger than me to fucking help. I've been promised that for so long. All of the spiritually inclined which includes every friggin person on this fucking piece of rock called Earth (and don't argue scientists or whatnot because their religion and spirituality is tied up in a different form of mysticism and such and honestly, I'm not in the mood for anyone to disagree with me right now...want a fight? Go sod yourself!)

I had decided to not send Em with my sister. The separation would have been to great for the both of us. Other circumstances such as money, space, and adjustment were of issue also. Instead, I had opted to make things stronger here for the both of us after a committment to the hospital. My mother who I have very s-l-o-w-l-y started talking to, had offered to help when she initiated contact on Em's birthday. I was hesitant. Alway am. But she said she would help if I need to seek out psychiatric help. I asked her yesterday if she would help with Em, allowing her to stay with her. "It will cut into my time, but I guess I can pick Em up and drop her off at school." Trying to explain that I needed more, she started yelling at me about everyone else in her life: my brother, her employees, and the fact that I made Jenn come here to take Em with her and then didn't send Em. Basically, Mrs. Devine's help is a patronizing hand extended as a disclaimer that she offered me assistance.

God is no different.

I wish I could say that God doesn't exist. But God does. As easily as I can say that my hair is brown, I can say God exists. So, what the fuck?! Was I that evil in a previous incarnation?

Unless you plan to drive to Pensacola to care for Em while I commit myself for a much needed visit to the loony bin...don't say shit. I don't want to hear it.

I've been doing things 'not me' lately. Craving cigs, pot, and alcohol. I've indulged in all. Hearing voices. Calling my name. Talking. Almost like ghosts in the house. Quieting the need to yell at random people...even wanting to get into physical altercations with them. Violent, self-abusive, sexual thoughts. Will not engage in any of them for fear of being killed. My heart has been chaotic. Sometimes pounding so violently in my chest and throat. Other times so silent, I almost convince myself that I'm not alive. And the chestpains have been unbearable....fear I've been having mini cardiac episodes of something or another. Been scared that I'll turn the corner and find the devil waiting for me. Been very uncautious on the road, swerving unintentionally into other lanes of traffic and onto the shoulder....just drifting in the car going well over the speed limit.

And I ask....Where's God?

One Question

I've already posted this at the PlanetThoughtful message board, but not everyone who reads this goes there.

If God gave you the opportunity to ask Him/Her a question that He/She would answer without fail, what would you ask?

Beware of False Prophets

Ok. I admit that I watch a few things that are rather strange. I LOVE shopping television.

Informercials and shopping conglomerates like QVC and HSN are the best form of entertainment. My brother agrees. We can go hours on the stuff. I mean...they make it look so affordable with their payment plans and price reductions. AND the product will surely change my world. LOVE THEM!!!

I also watch the Christian channels namely the televangelists. There are two stations here in Pcola without having to purchase cable. There is the Trinity Broadcast Network (TBN) and the Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN).

Not all the ministers on these are bad. Without sarcasm, I truly like Bishop TD Jakes to whom I first heard of living in the homeless shelter. He's a charismatic man that genuinely seems down to earth and empathetic. I have a certain fondness for Paula White.

But everyone else...forget it. I haven't seen anyone else that I like.

I think what really drives me to watch most of these people is the desire to get angry at someone. I am amazed at the amount of money that these people acquire for their interpretation of God's being. And I get so enraged that these people want to save me but in order for me to hear those divine messages I have to pay $20 or so for a VHS copy or tape of their sermons.

NONE of the televangelists are free from charging money for God's word.

And sitting on gold gilded sets. And laying of hands. And prophecies. And strict right wing conservacy. And the judging of others' lives.

The hypocrisy of it all slays me.

How many of them would give up their gold and silver to truly serve God? Give away all their comforts to get their hands dirty and work with the untouchables of society? Be like St. Francis of Assisi?

Betcha none.

Losing My Religion

I'd quote REM but don't wanna.

I'm trying to find a new religion to invest in. I feel very alone not communing with others about God or the creator or whatever the hell you want to use. I don't think there is a proper name for the deity.

Sooo, what religion am I?

Do I really subscribe to being a Christian? I'm not sure. When I was a child, I learned about Christ but I didn't pray to him or even really pay any true spiritual attention to him. I took all my cares and worries and prayers to the source, God. To this day, I spend more time talking to the top dog. I want to learn more about Jesus in a anthropological/archeological/historical manner. Learn more about him as a figure in history compared to a religious way. Not to lessen his meaning but to see him as a person. I'd like to see his role and its impact on men and how it changed religions....nothing about his miraculous incarnation. I want to see him strictly as a man of our history.

My beliefs. What religion do they resemble more? I believe in God's duality. I don't think that evil and good are separate forces. I believe that NOTHING exists on its own separate from God. God is truely omnipotent, omnipresent, and omniscient. If this is my belief; then what men has defined as the devil, Satan, evil can NOT rule side by side with God. It cannot have the same amount of power or influence and be separate from God. If so, then Christianity is not a monotheistic religion. It's polytheistic. I believe in only one God. The evil can only exist with God's permission. Correct? Only way I can see this being possible is having God control the good and the bad. If using the Bible as reference, Job supports this. The devil had to have permission from God to test Job. God allowed the ills that fell upon Job's house.

God's duality leads to questions like is the Trinity true? If God's good side is split into three personas, then wouldn't it be safe to assume that the evil side would have more than one incarnation? If not more than one, then God should at least be defined other than being the Trinity....there's the ever presence of bad.

This isn't saying that I condone wickedness or evil or ill-treatment of one another. I believe there is a balance. Many Asian religions incorporate this belief of balance. And it's not a matter of one side winning over the other. Any situation, trial, tribulation can be seen as a joyful blessing of God or temptation of the devil. Isn't it both? Isn't it then a testament of how man overcomes it all? A test of how he balances the nature of it all? Does he succumb to the negative energies or rise above them and survive?

Man's goal is to overcome the sinful nature of himself. I define sin as anything that separates us from God. We try to overcome the test of emotional, mental, and physical adversities to become one with this mysterious power we know as Creator. God is perfect and infinite...perfect and infinite balance, knowledge, and being...and our movements through life are to attain that perfect connection with him/her nd withing ourselves.

Another belief....ALL RELIGIONS ARE FALSE. Anything man-made is full of fallacies. I don't care if something was divinely inspired. The innerworkings of man will always...always....interpret the messages for his own benefit. All religions' roots are from a previous religion. They start the same way. Followers believe in all the tenets of a religion except for that one thing. Perhaps it was whether or not you can eat pork, wash your hair, worship idols, believe in divorce, etc...Someone disagreed with one or two things and developed a new sect, religion, denomination. So...religions are inherently false and created for the benefit of man's ease and pleasure....sort of makes you question why I want to find a religion, yes?

I believe that throughout the ages there have been men and women who have come close to that delicate relationship between God and us. We have/had prophets who achieved more wisdom and spiritual strength. I think these people span all the world religions which leads me back to wondering what role Christ plays in our lives?

Thousands of questions race about my head. I know I truely won't find one religion that ultimately describes my personal spirituality. I hate that I'm starting at square one with finding my religious place in the world. I'm not trying to start a whole new belief system. I think I'm just looking for a spiritual leader that could help guide me. Perhaps a guru that can help me synchronize all the thoughts and voices within me so that I can focus on building my own relationship with God. I need someone worldly and wise that listens to her/his own quiet whisperings and doesn't want me to worship at any man's religious altar. A teacher that raises questions and perhaps answers others. I need to be someone's Grasshopper.

Christ and A Dream

I had a nightmare Tuesday night that left me scared to my core. I don't recall all the aspects of it save for a few moments.

I was standing behind Christ's left side about a hundred feet. He was crucified and still alive. The amount of energy I felt in my soul leads me to believe that I saw the entire Passion played out before that moment. I was terribly upset and think I was crying hysterically. I recall that there were some people there but have details of who. I was fixed on watching Jesus. Then he turned to look at me, straining his neck to face me. He was dirty and bloody and quite sad. There was accusation in his eyes. Then suddenly he was beheaded. His decapitated head rolled to my feet. I was screaming.

I woke up at this point and was scared of what was in the house. I was afraid of the dark and what it held. I wandered from my room to the living room where I felt safer to sleep. I quickly forced myself to think of other things before my eyes slid shut. My heart was racing. My face and chest ached like I had been crying hard for hours. But the worse feeling was that Jesus was royally pissed at me. That he was going to find me and take revenge. And I never felt more responsible in my life.

I only felt responsible when he looked at me. Until that point, I felt removed. I was weeping over his torture. I was upset that people, other people not me, had done this to him.

I'm fearful of my religious dreams. I have them often and they are not pleasant. They mostly contain demons and the lot.

Violence

I've been in a violent mood the last few days. It's hard to express what's going on in my soul right now without one of you, if not all of you, fearing for outcomes.

I hate God. I wonder why he hates me so much. This punishment called my life. And why the hell does he have to make Em suffer. Perhaps the fuck that called CPS is right. Perhaps I'm an unfit mother. I question it all the time, don't I? You are all witness to that.

I think I feel violent because I have no control over anything. I'm suppose to sit here and wait for God to bless me with some miraculous reminder that I deserve so much and am a child of God. Is he trying to humble me, take everything away from me, remind me that I'm nothing without him?

I think sometimes it's working. I am nothing. I can't give anything of myself to anyone because I hate it all. I want to smash what I am against a window, breaking it, and embedding the jagged shards deep into my flesh.

I want to rip my hair out deep at the roots, pulling scalp away with it. And what I don't tear from my head, I want to douse with gasoline and set aflame.

I want to wrap a knotted rope around my throat, crushing my windpipe, and pulling tight until the pain is choking.

I want to mangle my fingers in fast-rotating blades until they are mere mince meat.

I want to disappear from this misery that God has imprisoned me in.

Why?

What did I do?

Was it my childhood self that angered God when I refused to play puppet to my mother's affairs?

Was it my adolescent self that tried to run away from angry parents and got as far as the apartment poolhouse?

Was it my twenty-one year old self that finally hit my mother back after so many years of punches?

Was it my thirty year old self that told my father that not informing me of his wedding plans was thoughtless especially since he let near strangers know about them?

What? What was it?

The anger that has continued to build inside since birth against the mistreatment of me? For not letting it go?

What the fuck am I suppose to do to change it?

WHY?! What did my mother do to erase all her ills to be so fucking blessed? And my father? Did he and my mother offer a sacrifice to this almighty God of ours? Am I it?

I can't get a grip. I want to scream out and punish someone for this life of mine. I'm tired of prayers and thoughts and bullshit like that. HAS IT HELPED?! Tell me? Am I better off for praying, for your prayers?

Am I suppose to sacrifice something? I sure as hell won't sacrifice Em.

Am I suppose to not be angry? How can someone not be angry? It's only getting worse. I'm suppose to be passive and let this happen? Smile and thank God for life...what life?

I'm tired. I really am. If I didn't fucking care, I would have given up. I would have slashed my wrists. I would have swallowed the pills. I would have driven off the bridge. I would have used the gun. BUT I HAVEN'T GIVEN UP! I'm angry.

Do you think that people who scream this fucking loud don't want to live? Do you think that most of the people who commit suicide didn't want to live? THAT'S BULLSHIT! FUCKING BULLSHIT!!! People who mourn and cry and scream and get angry want to live. They want life. They just want to have life in their hands. Not the fading in and out that this kind of misery gives. This life I live. This body I have. This mind and soul, and heart...they are worse than death and hell.

All that I am is questioned.

I talk to God every day. I plead with him. I beg. I try to relinquish my sorrows and worries and anxieties and fears and anger...to him. I've given him my joy. I thank him for my day.

But where is he?

I have no control. And it makes me angry. I abuse myself because of it. I should be better. I should be a success. I should be somewhere else in my life...at a different point.

But I'm here. I'm nowhere.

And I'm angry. I'm so mad at everyone who seems to be further ahead and only looks behind to say "I'm here for you. I'm praying for you. You're a good person. You should...and...try...."

FUCK!!

FUCK!!

FUCK!!

It's not going to stop, is it?

What can you do for me? Fix this. Take some of this off my shoulders. Get pass my "No, I'm ok" and my "I don't need anything" or my "I'm fine." Get pass that and do something. I don't know what to give you. I don't know what I need but I need it soon. I'm losing.

I'm suffering a slow death. I'm drowning and I refuse to let Em go down with me. I fear she will be what's taken from me next.

God hates me. And I hate him.

Mrs. H

I don't want to go into any details to respect my friend and her family. I only write this to get the community I've discovered through this blog to pray for a woman who means a lot to Emma and me. At least once today, please pray for Carrie's mom and her family (please don't be mad, Care).

Carrie's family means a great deal to me. I've known Carrie since I was eighteen/nineteen and just absolutely love her. She is my greatest friend. And her family? I adore and love them dearly. With the H family, one truly discovers what family means. The love and concern and respect that flows between them is an amazing bond that I feel privileged to witness and interact with. And I feel blessed that they have cheefully accepted Em and I into their lives.

So, please...take a moment to have Mrs. H on your hearts. Vibes of good health and compassionate sent her way.

Thank you.

Forgive me Father. I have sinned.

Reminders that this is Holy Week all over the place. I've been a bad Catholic girl for a while now (no comments) having not gone to mass in over a year. Em hasn't had her First Penance or First Communion and she's almost nine. In a few years, she'd be old enough for Confirmation. I'm a lapsed Catholic.

I do miss church but have been feeling completely anti-social towards the Catholic community here. I just don't like any of the churches that I've been to thus far (I stopped trying after four). I've got God caught up with my dissatisfaction with religion and parenting. God's just not the same anymore which isn't necessarily a bad thing.

But this is about church...not God. That's an odd statement to make, isn't it? I want a community to be part of and help me express my faith. I don't like alot of the Protestant denominations. I've found them judgemental towards other religions and other Christian denominations. I've experienced them as hostile and full of fallacies when it comes to other organized faiths. I'm pretty open-minded and I know I shouldn't lump-sum them but they're just not my cup of tea. So, I'm still tied by that fine thread to Catholicism.

When I talk to my friend Hristos, I feel drawn to the Greek Orthodox. Very similar and almost parallel in ceremony. I'm not however, going to walk into an Orthodox church on my own. Need a hand to hold before doing that.

I think about abandoning Christianity altogether...or the Christian religions, rather. My spirituality isn't quite mainstream Christian anyways. There's a mix of things in me that I've unconsciously picked up from different friends and studies and books. Is it possible to incorporate world religions into your frame of thinking and still feel grounded in faith? The old 'stand for nothing, fall for everything' at work?

I don't know. Part of my self-imposed separation from God. I'm conflicted about religion. I'm disgusted that man has defecated on spirituality and called it religion. I'm losing faith in man more and more and unfortunately God is being punished as well.

I know I'm miss the sense of belonging. Maybe that's it. I can remain outside the church but need some sort of societal group to belong.

I do miss Mass though.

Karma

The reincarnation post has brought about some great comments. I would love to hear more from people.

My sis called today and we started talking about karma. She's had a few unhappy moments this past week and she thinks is due to her because of bad karma. If anyone deserves bad karma, it's not Jenn. I tried to tell her that she shouldn't see it as bad karma but a test of her strength. A test of her belief in herself.

I'm a horrible hypocrit, aren't I? I'm the first to think I deserve the ill in my life. And with certain bad decisions in my life, those tough times are just play out of my choices. BUT those things beyond my control? I see it as punishment. Leading back to reincarnation and my belief of choosing my life before creation.

I think sometimes of why I would have chosen this life's journey. I'm not happy with it. I'm not happy with myself. So why pick this harder one than someone who doesn't have even close to the number of disadvantages I have?

It's a matter of perspective then, isn't it? Telling Jenn it's a matter of strength in oneself. We tell each other that there is reason behind the ill, a silver lining to every dark cloud. That in the end there is a just cause. But it's so much harder to convince ourselves of such well-meaning platitudes.

We don't give ourselves enough credit that we are on course. That we are trying. I know I'm the first to be cruel to myself. If you could only hear how hateful I am on a daily basis. And I have this horrible belief that I deserve it; it's karma for my actions.

So, what did I do to deserve the circumstances beyond my control?

Was I abusive to my chilren in a previous life so I got stuck with a mother so controlling, so hateful, so mean? Was I a selfish bastard that refused to help my fellow man by donating so I'm now constantly battling poverty? Was I a mean, cheating spouse so now I'm without love in my life?

Giving myself credit...

I have to see that I fight daily to be unlike my mother giving Em more of me than I had ever received of Mrs. Devine. Just the fact that Em is unafraid to hug and kiss me is so much better than what I have with my mother. I feel like Pinocchio with my mother...a wooden being wanting more life and doing idiotic things for that thrill of being alive in her presence.

I have to see that I may have noooo money but I have values that I would die for. I would still help my fellow human with my last dollar and my last dying breath.

I have to see that I have the love of my friends, my child, and other people I admire.

I told my sis that if she deserves what's going on then obviously she's a good person. Why would God place into her hands two beautiful little boys that mean the world to her. Test of strength. Matter of perspective.

Who was I in a previous life?

I've thought about posting on reincarnation for a while but it's hard sometimes to get words around a concept. I haven't decided that I believe in it. I think because of the whole Judeo-Christian belief of life with God. Seems unfair of doing your best on this earth with so many struggles and then not be rewarded with a helluva party in heaven afterwards. One reason I'm not fond of Jehovah Witnesses.

But with reincarnation..it is a little different than that, isn't it? The belief of moving into Nirvana after completion of life's lessons. And yes, I know it's more complex than that. There is this draw for believing that you are going to keep doing it until it's right (second chances) and with that comes this wisdom and revelation and peace.

There is also the belief of who you are recycled with. That we go through each life with the same souls of previous lives. My mother may have been my lover. I could have been the indentured servant of my best friend. My cat could have been my father. We're bound together.

Not quite sure what to think about it all. At my core, I don't think it exists. I think that my time here on this earth is and will be the only physical period I spend here. However, the idea of being connected to other individuals? That I hold true.

By definition of God, this ultimate power/deity...God knows everything. I tell my daughter that God is in everything and everything is in God. The uber-umbilical cord.

I have this belief that gets refined every moment of my existence. Before the physical world, all of creation was with God, part of him. He sits each of us individually down, pulls out cards (look in the crystal ball or however else you want to describe it), and he asks us to choose. He lays out the cards for different lives. Each life comes with its own joys, sorrows, people, ups and downs. Each unique. Each with defining moments and purpose. And we choose. Each of us, alone with God, chooses which life we want. So when we come into this world, we are on the path of our own choosing. Which sort of supports we're not given nothing we can't handle.

The bitch of a mother I have...my choice. The apathetic men in my life...my choice. The beautiful daughter I created...my choice. My friends. My illness. My aches and pain.

So, we get tied to each other. I make a choice. So did my mother, the men, my Em, friends...even the stranger on the street who stole my backpack years ago. We become this interwoven network of crossing paths and lives.

There was this planetarium show that left an impact on me years ago at Lambuth. It reminded me of a principle in physics that states matter is neither created nor destroy and the total mass remains constant (conservation of matter). When an object "dies" in space, it's basic core is recycled in the birth of another entity. I remember the narrator saying that Einstein's matter is still out there based on this principle. The physiological and chemical core of who he was still exists. Perhaps it's been recycled through a few people now or in an animal or in some distant planet forming as we speak. Along with Shakespeare, Attila the Hun, Mother Teresa, and my dog Gretchen that died when I was a teenager. Perhaps according to a principle of physics, I have the core of what made King Arthur running through my veins now.

So...does reincarnation exist? I don't think so. I don't want to believe so. I do believe that we are all connected. Somehow through people and time and space. And most definitely through experience, emotion, community and God.

Gye Nyame

I had been looking for the right tattoo for several years. I knew I wanted a spiritual symbol. I promised myself I would never put another person's name on my body. Relationships with people end and I didn't want "George" tattoed across my breast (by the way, there is no George) long after the fantastic trysts in bed had ended. I had thought about something Celtic, perhaps something circular, then something Japanese, and toyed with something written in Hebrew But I didn't find anything of value.

Until...

I came across a bookmark in Booksamillion. This beautiful symbol that looked Japanese and had this circular flow to it. Gye Nyame (jeh-N-yah-mee) -"except God" This African representation that nothing happens in life without the presence of God. There is nothing except God, omnipotent and omniscient. Always in one's life.

That's my view of my living. I've done everything with God involved. The affair with the married Fred. The traipsing to California and subsequent conception of Emma. My attempted suicide. My infatuation and love for certain people in my life. My volitile relationship with Mrs. Devine. My bipolar. Every major and minor event in my life has happened with God.

I think this is why I've been so anger filled especially at religions but namely at God. He has this power to fix my life. Yes, I know....it's not broken. I'm not broken. BUT I feel I am. Religion says pray and give and give more and pray until your knees are red. Prayers will be answered. When? I ask. In God's time. God gives what we need and not what we want.

I don't think I want much. I want to love myself. I want to give my daughter a foundation so strong that when she's out in the world, she'll have the spine to stand up for herself and others. I want to be productive for my fellow man...on a consistent basis. I want to feel part of the world outside me.

And besides...I hate giving up that control to some unseen force that powerful empires have fought over. That people use as faulty logic for hating other cultures, homosexuality, no birth control. I hate that I'm supposed to just sit idly by and wait for the God that is shared by me and hate-mongers to change my life. I don't like that. So, I try to do for myself and in the process I sometimes give God the cold shoulder.

Despite my anger towards God, I keep talking to this omnipotent, omniscient power. I don't believe He's going to condemn me because I doubt and get angry and yell as well as love and have faith. I marked my body because I do believe in this God that is constantly here in my life. Selfishly though, I wish that He would just let it go my way sometimes.

A feeble attempt

Sigh...What I am writing will not do justice to what I am feeling. Everything I say is going to be trite because honestly, trying to sum up one's spirituality is wrong. Words are ill-equipped to describe my thoughts right now. Faith and spirituality is purely a matter of one's relationship with God. And how do you go about trying to relate to others about something that is uniquely and personally yours?

I saw The Passion of the Christ today. It's a movie that I've been anticipating since first hearing about its production. Admittedly there was some curiousity about people's angry reaction to Mel Gibson's interpretation of Jesus' torture and death. But I can openly say that I don't take anyone's word or opinion for my own and I don't believe you can state opinion on something you know nothing about. My primary reason for seeing the movie is my own spirituality. My beliefs. My relationship with God and faith and creation and how the world moves within all that.

I come to this post with a different idea, not of what I believe but of what I first intended to write before seeing the movie. I'm not a changed person. Because honestly, I'm not a lemming that follows others over a cliff. I'm just not sure of what I could tell you. But I'm going to try to say something on this film and what I'm feeling.

I was raised Roman Catholic and despite any soul searching or studying, I'll probably always have some of the Catholic doctrine as part of who I am. I respect this church because of this beauty that I learned from it. There was never fire and brimstone. There was never this exclusionary mentality in anything I learned from the Church. I was taught by a variety of Catechists, attended mass led by different priests, and sat in numerous pews in different Catholic churches throughout my lifetime. Never a message of hate or prejudice or "my religion/denomination is better than yours." I was never taught to hate Jews or Hindus or Buddhists or atheists. Never. I've never been told that "this" is how the other religions/denominations do it. I was taught about the beauty and grace of Jesus.

The crucifix scared me when I was a child. The statues in the church at the front always seem to be looking at me. And the pictures of the Sacred heart (those pictures of Jesus with the crown of thorns around his heart) seemed to come to life especially the one my great-grandmother had where the eyes followed you no matter where you were in the room. Those pieces of my denomination have always made me feel uncomfortable. But the beauty of the Eucharist, of the mass itself always had me feeling lighter in my soul. I still can sit in mass and say it entirely from heart because I really fell in love with what it represents. And the stations of the cross...the pictures representing Christ's Passion. Nothing more beautiful.

But as a child, I didn't completely understand what it was about. I think like many Christians today, I had this romanticized vision of Christ's suffering. I imagined Jesus as this man who endured the pain with grace and strength and no suffering. I didn't fully understand what his crucifixion really involved.

But as I got older, I learned from school and study what torture is. What crucifixion involved. What he really endured. And I suddenly understood the gravity of what Jesus did for me. How much love was in the pain for me.

I did not see any hate towards any religion in this movie. I experienced no pressure to believe one way or another from this film. I sat in the dark as a person, crying for a man who suffered tremendous amount of pain because of fear, hate, political and religious power.

The movie is graphic. I wanted to scream out through my tears "STOP! LEAVE HIM ALONE!" I wanted to embrace Jesus and say, "I'm sorry." I wondered as I have in mass, "Would I have been any different than any of the people who betrayed him, condemned him, crucified him?"

This movie portrayed in a violent way a violent event. Not doing so would have been a travesty. You can't be glib about what the Passion was. Historically you can read what crucifixion was like. Medically you can discover the pain that Jesus endured. The violence was needed. The violence of man with all his foibles and fallacies against his fellow man. If you're not ready to experience the extremes of this movie, don't go. If you want to misunderstand how much torture was involved, stay home. I think this movie horrifically defined what Jesus suffered.

I learned nothing new from this movie. All the doctrine I learned from the Catholic church remains intact. I experienced the humanity of man watching this movie but that isn't new either. What I experienced was basically what I've felt within my soul. I am no different than I was walking up the steps to buy my ticket.

If you're not religious or spiritual, The Passion is still a superb movie. It's a story that moves you to feel for a man. Experience his pain and his memories through him and the people who encounter him. If you're Christian, you'll recognize the story of Christ's death. The arrest, his presentation before the high priests, his interrogation before Pilate, his torture and death.

I don't think there was any finger pointing in this film. I don't think it was Mel Gibson's attempt to lay blame on Judaism. The love of man is in the movie as much as the hate that comes from us. I saw mob mentality. I saw greed. I saw fear. I saw regret and remorse. I saw empathy and sorrow, parent and child bond, temptation, loss. In this film, I saw what defines each of us as man which is not unique among Jewish man or Christian man.

The brutality of who was Jewish in this film was as brutal as the Roman. If people want to be divided because of this film, then I believe those people have a lot of spiritual growth to go through. If people are persuaded to hate because of this film, then these people are not grounded in their beliefs anyways and shouldn't be trusted.

Religion is not a bad thing. It's a place for communion with each other. Spirituality is that innate whispering within our souls. We are born with spirituality. It's not something that can be defined. It's what drives us to ask, "Why was I made? What's my purpose? Is there something unseen that connects me to everything else?" Spirituality is God. Religion is man. We search out others to help explain what we feel. We look to each other to help express in an inadequate attempt that connection we feel to everything. Religion can give guidance. It can provide comfort. It can keep us from feeling alone in our faith. But religion is man-made and with that it will always fail us.

I am a Christian by choice. I don't think I'm the type of Christian that some church Christians would embrace though. By definition I am Christian because I believe in Christ. I believe a man named Jesus lived his life and suffered his death because he loves me. I believe that by miracles unexplainable by any book or religious doctrine, God exists...Jesus is son...and I should love EVERYONE because God created us all.

I also believe that God is in everything and everything is in God. Nothing exists without God. "Gye Nyame" I live my life with this connection to a creator. One that I can not and should not explain. To do so would make God less than God is.

I don't go to church anymore because I don't know where I fit in religiously. Nothing defines what I faithfully/spiritually know as my beliefs. I think man confuses spirituality and religion. I've got a spiritual journey that is only my own. I can share and talk about moments along it with others. Compare notes sort to speak. But what's between me and God has nothing to do with you. Nothing. I don't need to be saved. I don't need you to tell me about Jesus. I don't need you to condemn what I do choose to subscribe to, religiously speaking. I know what's between God and me. Please don't define it.

The Passion of the Christ is a movie. A beautiful movie that is one man's interpretation. No one should say this is the truth as much as saying what any religious leader says is true. Hopefully, it raises questions to seek answers. I hope it causes people to examine what they really believe. Maybe it will solidify what you already know within yourself. Maybe it will challenge you to redefine what you were already questioning. Maybe it will do nothing but entertain you. If anything, I hope it will move you to talk to someone else about what stirs within you.

Be angry. Be sad. Be opinionated. This movie should do that to you. But to hate another religion because of ths film spits on every religions' foundations of goodness and love and peace.

First Name:Naomi Sun Sign:Scorpio Gender:F

I read my horoscope on a sporadic regular basis which means I read it but it's not a daily thing. And just for information sake, I'm a Scorpio which I've been told is an awesome thing because Scorpios are the dominant sign of astrology...whether it's true in Vedic astrology or not, I'm not sure.

I don't like to say that any one thing in life is true when it comes to people's spirituality because honestly, spritituality is a very personal thing. No two are alike. It's impossible because spirituality is a unique relationship with whatever omnipotent deity is believed to be in power. And well, despite what skeptics say astrology falls into the realms of religion and spirituality.

Having said that...and I think there may have been an organized point somewhere in there...there is a similar thread that runs through all of us. It's this need for equilibrium in life, death, creation, God. We all want a sense of peace and understanding in ourselves and why things happen. So, we seek out religion to help explore and express that innate spirituality. Whether you subscribe to fundamental Christianity, Hasidic Judaism, Vedic astrology, The I Ching, some form of animism, Freudian psychology or the scraps of paper stuffed in a fortune cookie with Saturday's Chinese takeout; there are nuggets of wisdom to be dug out and applied to daily life. And what skeptics of any religion will always dismiss as coincidence, those nuggets seem to come at the most opportune moments.

So...I want to share my daily horoscope from Yahoo Astrology dated today.

Do not automatically think that beauty always has to be defined by old-fashioned standards, Naomi. It is time to set your own definition. There is no need to squeeze yourself into some socially constructed mold that doesn't resonate with who you truly are. Your job is not to try and make sure that everyone loves you. There is only one person you need to satisfy, and that is yourself.

Catalyst

I imagine that if I find the one thing missing in my life, everything else will fall into place. I'm having problems though discovering what I'm lacking. I frantically search every day for the thing....the thing that fell out of my pocket. The thing that perhaps is like a plug at the bottom of my soul like the drain plug at the bottom of the tub. Everything of substance is draining from me after it swirls madly about in me. But what is it? What's that plug to keep my well from running dry? What is the thing that I can place back in my pocket and continue on my way?

Money? Perfect career? Parents who support me no matter what? Being beautiful? A husband? College degree? Infamy? Can I find it in a book? In a drug? At church? Through meditation? Travelling? Psychotherapy? With a self help guru? Do I need to run for it or sit quietly? Do I need to ask for help or do it myself? Do I leave it to God or just take matters in my own hand? Will it come to me like St. Augustine's conversion on the road or will it be silent?

sigh....

I have atheist-envy

My essence is my spirituality. I am a faith driven person. I live my life-moment to moment-in some spiritual relationship with God. God the male, the female, the deity. I know God as the creator. My omnipotent, omniscient creator. No definition true. All definitions limited.

But being human, I've put limitations on God. I want Him to save me. My religion has told me that if I do A and B then C will happen. He'll bless me with happiness. He'll help me through the pain. If I have undying, unwaivering devotion, then God true to form will hold me in His heavenly arms.

What a crock of shit!

I've done A. I've done B. I've done the whole fucking alphabet. But God is not here healing my heart and soul. But the piously devout will tell you it's my fault. I'll tell you it's my fault. I've not done enough. I don't believe with my whole self. I'm not saved.

The atheist is done. He's chosen not to believe. A true atheist has retired the whole subject. With all his depth he says God does not exist.

I wish I could have that definitive answer. My unconscious self believes in God. Nothing will wash away what God imprinted on my soul. And I'm unsettled. It would be easier to not believe in God. I wish I could. Erase religion and doctrine and my depth still says God exists.

And if (s)he(it) exists, what the hell am I doing wrong that I have no relief? No help? No salvation?

Damn religion for handicapping me and limiting my God

And damn the atheist. I wish I were you.

Foundation

I am a cradle-Catholic. My Filipina mother had me baptized a month after my birth. And she married a Catholic man. I had no choice but to be Catholic in my youth. I still recall the churchs we attended still had some of the mass in Latin. My parents weren't zealously devout (we didn't attend every day) but they were strict (I couldn't attend an evening Reconciliation class without dressing in Sunday best).

But as a child I didn't love my religion because I was made to. I loved it because I felt close to God. I felt holy. I would sit in the pews not paying attention to the homily. I would allow my eyes to go blank staring at the altar. I could see the heavenly lights emanating from the statues, the priest, the crucifix. I felt I was holding a secret, one so important.The history and ceremony of the Catholic Church only encouraged me to fantasize about my own importance in life.

As I got older, I questioned my importance more. I questioned God's importance. I questioned if Catholicism really explained my spirituality. So I stop going to church (and yes, truthfully...I was a bit lazy. You know how the teenage years can be).

But I was never without God. I yelled at Him. I cursed Him. I pled with Him. I asked His forgiveness. I always turned back to Him in joy and sorrow. And throughout my life I learned about other religion through school, people, my own reading to find a doctrine close to the one I had developed.

I don't wholly agree with any organized religion. I don't trust any of them. All of them were created by man professing to know God's will. Relgion is not God. Religion is a man-made institution. Fallible men with their fears, prejudices, questions. Affirmatively declaring you know God only makes God human and full of fault.

But I return time and time again to the Catholic church. Out of loyalty? Fear? Loneliness? Beauty? History?