Light and Darkness

If you say "Thunderstorms," I'll punch you in the eye!

I do read the personal ads. I have user names at different sites because I like to see what's out there and what these people are looking for. I'm curious. I'm self-conscious. I want to know what I'm battling when it comes to finding "MR. RIGHT" but I will probably never (and I use that word almost zealously in this case) answer one of these ads.

I can't. I don't trust them. I don't trust the honesty and heart behind the follow-up of them. I believe the sincerity of the posting of them, in the majority of them. But I don't believe that people are ultimately happy by the responses received with such posting. Responders lie. Pictures are taken at angles and are out-dated. And there is a general feeling of desperation in these ads.

I know. I know. Pot and kettle. Offensive and untrue. I know. Exceptions to the rule. I understand all this. And I don't completely dismiss the effectiveness of personal ads. I like them. I honestly like to read them; and I have a warm spot in my heart for them because I know what people intend with them. There is a glimmer of hope and trust in the cosmos that He will find Her and that She will fall in love with Him. I get all that. I say go for it to those that subscribe to their niche in the dating world.

I just won't answer one. And I can't post one.

If I did, what would I say about myself that isn't as generic as the ones posted by the thousands of others on the different sites? God, all those ads are like a song on repeat because I love thunderstorms too but fucking aye....I don't want to sound like the fucking Pina Colada song.

No, My ad would have to be written by a friend instead of me because if I were the author of my own personal, it would sound like this:

Acerbic naysayer hesitantly seeks man who can dick her daily whilst entertaining her intellect, emotions and wit. Can play any, if not many, instruments with wickedly prodigious talent to woo her constantly. Understands that a long detailed narrative of something mundane will arouse her as much if not more than saying "I'm hard thinking about you." Appreciates her jealousy as a public display of affection and doesn't mind showing a little bit of that himself. Regularly strokes her ego and comforts her paper-thin esteem. Must realize that crazy family comes attached as well as the sordid history with aforementioned insanity, and still wants to visit members during Christmas if need be. Required to come emotionally equipped with boxing gloves, shield, and tweezers. Has the patience and generosity of a saint and the impetuousness and vivacity of a sinner. Mandated to be calmer and more thick skinned than the naysayer but willing to have an ugly fight every now and then. Has a realistic opinion of what a relationship is and understands that long term and ups and downs translates into "If you were paralyzed and I had to wipe your ass for the rest of you life, I still see myself wanting you." Embraces the concept that best friend as first priority in any long-standing relationship with the acerbic one and getting to know her as well as love her can be daunting, perplexing, and quixotic. An intelligent writer and/or musician with a fucking excellent sense of humor will get first dibs.

Payment will be...

Ok. I'm wanting to date and to be perfectly honest, yes, I've checked the personals and dating sights and such. I love reading these things. I'm not bold (to use the nicest word I can think of) to answer an ad. But I had to share what I've discovered.

So, in my search to jump into the world of other singles looking to connect as well, I've decided to share the beefy ads that I've found. I don't know how much trouble I can get myself into by doing this but what the hell. I can always just delete the posts if someone gets offended.

For our initiation of our new category, The Forlorn...I present a handsome man from m.com (I'm not spelling it out just to bring all the internet searches here.) In response to his ad, I ask....does he talk like this in real life?

The potential match should be independent with a mind of her own, though not entirely emotionally self-sustaining. She should be soft on the inside rather than on the outside, and she would carry a lot of ideological weight instead of physical.

She should exhibit a certain level of intelligence where she is able to maintain a conversation for at least half an hour about subjects other than the daily routines. Sports should be known to her, but in an active form, rather than televised. Her body should have the markings of a physically active woman.

She should have a stable career that fulfills her for about eight hours a day from Monday to Friday. She should be a creative person, but not too artistically inclined so that she possesses enough realism to be able to produce self-supporting income. She would be fun loving, but still understand the serious aspects of live. She must be able to give love as well as receive love, for at least all the time she is awake.

She should love children, but should not have more than ten of her own. She should like to travel, but still know where is home. She should like to read, and still have time for more worldly passions.

The minimum education would be at least twenty-five years of life experience.

Payment will be full-time love, emotional and mental support for as long as required. In addition, there are miscellaneous ideological and amorous benefits provided. The before mentioned benefits could be extended well beyond retirement.

If you are still reading this, you have probably a sense of humor. I hope to find a friend, a partner, who is sincere and fun to be with.

I am not born here. So if you are looking for a genuine "Southern Guy" you'd have to stretch your imagination somewhat.

Write a few lines, and try take the above with a little bit of humor. It would be boring anyway if there would be such a perfect match...