Why does it seem that no matter what I do, I seem to fail at it? If there were a reward for trying and just failing, I might win at that. I finally find a job, and it doesn't come close to letting me survive on my home. WTF?! That is so not right. I just for once want a job that will pay all of the bills and let me survive on my own. Let's make a list of my fabulous failures and just generally fucked up instances. This should be nice and uplifting.
1. May 1990 - I get the solo in Choir. Had to move. Didn't get to sing, because Jenni fucking Schenk had to sing both of her damn solos on the same night because her family was in town.
2. May 1990 - move to a town where the only people I know are my family.
3. June 1990 - fail my driving test...twice.
4. October 1990 - total my first car, around the corner from home.
5. February 1991 - start dating Neil, who later: cheats on me with an underage girl, cheats on me with one of my friends, steals money from one my friends, steals an antenna from one of my friends, gives me an engagement ring that turns my finger green.
6. Dated Marc Holmes: physically and emotionally abusive, stated to me that there was no reason for me to paticipate in a conversation because no one cared about what I had to say, cheated on me with numerous other people while driving my car.
7. Dated Keith Joiner: worked for room/board/beer/cigarettes, he lived in a house that was later condemned, cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend, on the day I found out I was pregnant he and his ex were getting a marriage license, he stayed with me because I was pregnant, emotionally abusive when he was drunk, did not have his own vehicle, married his ex 2 weeks after we broke up, he doesn't give a shit about his son, doesn't pay child support.
8. Had my car stolen at gunpoint.
9. Suffered Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome for almost 4 years due to incident in #8.
10. Got involved in a stupid situation in 2006. Ended up sick.
11. Had Family Services called on me for "endangering" my child. Saddest thing, I think tht it may have been someone in my family that called.
12. Never lived completely on my own without having to ask for some kind of help from my parents.
13. Have never had a job with complete security.
14. Got fired from a job that paid fairly decent with excellent benefits.
15. Had to take a job making $4.49 less an hour with crappy benefits.
16. Had to move in with my parents.
17. Lost my boyfriend. (But, I did get him back. Thank God.)
18. Cashed in my Retirement, still broke.
19. Probably going to have to get a second job.
20. Will probably lose my boyfriend again.
21. My parents got divorced. My dad put me in the middle of it.
22. None of my friends, including my boyfriend, feel comfortable coming over and hanging out at my parents' house.
23. I had a child out of wedlock. God's forgiven me, but my family can't.
24. I drink. That's a sin. I'm not going to quit.
25. I have sex with my boyfriend. That's a sin. I'm so not going to quit that. Are you out of your ever-loving minds?!?
26. I'm setting a bad example for my son.
Okay, that's enough. I now feel like doing a Thelma & Louise. My luck, the cliff wouldn't be steep enough. I would just end up a quadraplegic having to wear adult diapers and drooling on myself. That's a fear I have. I'm just so damn lonely. I don't really have any friends around here that know the "real" me. I have to put on an act so that I can continue on with life as I know it. Of course my boyfriend knows the "real" me. So does Nae. Thank God for them. I just wish that i could really be myself around everyone, without being such a huge disappointment. I mean, I have to have a "secret" blogging space. How fucking sad is that? Of course, all someone has to do is google something about me, and they've found it. Then, the jig is up. I'll be kicked out of everything at church. My parents will know how I really feel. I just wish that I could, for once, be able to just tell all of the self-rightous hippicrites to go fuck themselves and let me live my own damn life. But, I can't do that just yet. Hopefully within the next month. Well, at least I had a fabulous Saturday night.
It's too early in the bloody morning to comment but oh I will.
Just know this.....most of the shit on this list have nothing to do with you. They are the decisions of other people and the events falling have nothing to do with you failing at life.
And with each of them, you've come out of them. You've continued on with life and that's remarkable!
Finally, if the members of your church kick you out for being human....I would run really fast from that church. It's full of that Christian Devil that they are so fond of preaching about. Your church is part of your problem.
I may not know verse or chapter but I remember the bible enough to give you a couple of things I remember it saying.....
1. pull the timber out of your own eye before noticing the splinter in another
2. easy to love your family/friends but loving your enemy is harder but what you're supposed to be doing
If I need to find the exact verse, I will. But just know that the Christian Jesus would never make you feel like shit for living and trying and making mistakes. The churches constructed in his name should be following his example.
anyway....
Posted by: Nae | January 06, 2009 at 06:14 AM