What do you do when you love someone so much that you get butterflies every time that you think of them? What do you do when you say "I Love You" and they no longer say it back? You can't just turn your back on everything that has been shared. Everytime he doesn't say "I Love You", my heart breaks. You would think by now that I would not have anything left to break, but somehow I do. He used to always say it. We used to never end a phone conversation without both of us saying "I Love You". We used to never say "Goodbye" without also saying "I Love You". What changed? It justs seems like things are so different now. I haven't changed, but it seems like he has. I don't know if even likes me anymore, let alone if he loves me. I just feel like he just never wants to be anywhere with me. Like he's ashamed of me, or something. It was never like that before. I just don't know what the hell happened! We went on vacation together. Everything was great. Then we came home. It just seems that within a month of coming home, things started to change. I'm not sure why. All I know is that I love him so much. I would do anything for him. Whatever he asked of me. Why can't he see how much I love him? Why can't he see how much I'm hurting? This so fucking sucks! Do I have to tell him everything?!? Can he not see? I shouldn't have to always tell him everytime that I'm hurting or when I'm sad. Shouldn't he just know? Shouldn't he be able to tell? I know that he has told me before that it's hard for him to talk about his feelings. I guess that it's just hard for me to understand, because I am used to people coming up to me, complete strangers even, and telling me about things that are going on in their life. I guess I'm just a good listener. I'm not good with advice, but I have always been the ear to hear whenever anyone has a problem. I suppose that was God's way of letting me know that he had given me the gift of being an Intercessor. I have always been more atuned to other people's feelings and hurts. I'm more eager to focus and help someone else before myself. When it comes to me, I'm just at a loss. I'm like the kid wearing the Dunce cap at the front of the class. I just don't know what to do. I love him so much, I don't want to give him up. But, I can't continue to let my happiness be compromised.
Those were the days when I had such high standards for a boyfriend. He had to be a high school graduate, have a job, have a car, good-looking, sense of humor, get along with his family and mine, love my cat, blah, blah, blah. Well, when you start seeing 40 peeping around the corner at you, your standards start to lower dramatically. He has to be near my age, breathing, God fearing, and law abiding. Okay. Maybe I haven't lowered them that much. A sense of humor is still majorly important. Anyways. I can remember when I was 17. I thought that I had my life planned out. I was engaged. I figured that by the time I was 30 I would have a great job that I loved, a couple of kids, a couple of pets, and live in a beautiful house. Let's see..I'm 33, I have one kid, not married, have one pain-in-the-ass cat, a job that I love (most days), and an apartment that I despise. It could be MUCH worse. Don't get me wrong, I am very thankful for what God has given me, but it certainly is not what I had planned. I guess God had other plans. Man, it sure would be nice if he could kinda share a liitle bit of His plans ahead of time.
Then again, there are things that I have experienced that have made me much stronger. 
. The one day a year when some of us can really understand why the lemmings jump. The day where the normally mild-mannered feel the need to just scream at the top of our lungs: "DO YOU HAVE TO RUB IT IN OUR FACES THAT WE DON'T HAVE A REASON TO LIVE?!?!?!?!" What are my plans this year...well, short of placing myself in a vaccuum for 24 hours, or hiding under a rock...I'm not sure. It will probably involve me, my son, my cat, and a frozen pizza. Actually, "V" Day falls on a Wednesday this year. So, I will actually be at church with my Bible Quizzers. I think that maybe I will make black heart shaped sugar cookies to pass out for their snack. Then I will go home and watch "Criminal Minds" and "CSI: NY". I don't know if I'll be able to stand that much excitement.
I'm done now. Love ya. Later...
. Anyways.

That was a tremendous blessing. For those that don't know, I had a flat tire last Sat. I had to get a new tire put on today. They told me that I was going to need to get 2 more tires. Short of shaking the money tree in my front yard, I hadn't a clue where I was going to get the money for that. So, my dad said that for Christmas he would buy me the tires that I needed!! My Dad Rocks!
He loves to buy stuff that involves vehicle maintenance or upkeep.
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