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He Doesn't Even Say "I Love You" Anymore

What do you do when you love someone so much that you get butterflies every time that you think of them?  What do you do when you say "I Love You" and they no longer say it back?  You can't just turn your back on everything that has been shared.  Everytime he doesn't say "I Love You", my heart breaks.  You would think by now that I would not have anything left to break, but somehow I do.  He used to always say it.  We used to never end a phone conversation without both of us saying "I Love You".  We used to never say "Goodbye" without also saying "I Love You".  What changed?  It justs seems like things are so different now.  I haven't changed, but it seems like he has.  I don't know if even likes me anymore, let alone if he loves me.  I just feel like he just never wants to be anywhere with me.  Like he's ashamed of me, or something.  It was never like that before.  I just don't know what the hell happened!  We went on vacation together.  Everything was great.  Then we came home.  It just seems that within a month of coming home, things started to change.  I'm not sure why.  All I know is that I love him so much.  I would do anything for him.  Whatever he asked of me.  Why can't he see how much I love him?  Why can't he see how much I'm hurting?  This so fucking sucks!  Do I have to tell him everything?!?  Can he not see?  I shouldn't have to always tell him everytime that I'm hurting or when I'm sad.  Shouldn't he just know?  Shouldn't he be able to tell?  I know that he has told me before that it's hard for him to talk about his feelings.  I guess that it's just hard for me to understand, because I am used to people coming up to me, complete strangers even, and telling me about things that are going on in their life.  I guess I'm just a good listener.  I'm not good with advice, but I have always been the ear to hear whenever anyone has a problem.  I suppose that was God's way of letting me know that he had given me the gift of being an Intercessor.  I have always been more atuned to other people's feelings and hurts.  I'm more eager to focus and help someone else before myself.  When it comes to me, I'm just at a loss.  I'm like the kid wearing the Dunce cap at the front of the class.  I just don't know what to do.  I love him so much, I don't want to give him up.  But, I can't continue to let my happiness be compromised. 

Another Spooky Result From a Facebook Quiz

Keep in mind, Aaron is a Pisces.

Pisces

You are most compatible with PISCES! I'm sure most of your friends are Pisceans! Together you're going to rock! Pisceans possess a gentle, patient, malleable nature. They have many generous qualities and are friendly, good natured, kind and compassionate, sensitive to the feelings of those around them, and respond with the utmost sympathy and tact to any suffering they encounter. They are deservedly popular with all kinds of people, partly because their easygoing and affectionate. Pisces are rarely content. They are more readily concerned with the problems of others than with their own. They are never egotistical in their personal relationships and give more than they ask from their friends. They are nevertheless intensely loyal and home-loving and will remain faithful.

I'm a Package Deal With Baggage Attached

I wonder how many single moms out there find it so hard to stay in relationships.  I think that Aaron is getting ready to break up with me again.  I really don't think that I could handle it this time.  I told him that I don't want to lose him again.  My heart couldn't take it.  I love him so much.  Michael and I are starting counselling on Wednesday.  I just want him to give me enough time to try to work things out.  I am making a huge effort.  Can't he see that I'm not just doing this for myself?  I'm doing this for US.  I am trying so hard to make things easier and better for us.  I'm trying to get out of my parents' house.  I'm trying to make things right between my son and I.  I am trying to get things in order.  I am trying so hard to just keep it all together.  Can't he even fucking see how hard I'm trying, how much I love him?  I need this to work.  I need him to be there.  I just fel like I'm walking on eggshells lately.  I'm afraid that something I say or do is going to just make him want to leave me again.  I have to tell him how I feel.  I'm trying to do everything I can to make this relationship so much better than it was before.  He just needs to give me a fucking chance.  I'm driving myself insane wondering if tomorrow is going to be the day that he breaks my heart again.

Just Let Me Make My Own Decisions...or Mistakes!!!!

Everyone always seems to think that they know what is best for me.  I have always done what they have told me.  I have finally decided to let them know that I can make my own choices.  They may not be the best choices in the eyes of others, but dammit, they're my decisions.  It's my life, by God!  I was chatting with R tonight.  God love her, and I do, too.  But, she seems think that I need to make a choice that I don't feel is right.  She thinks that the only was that I am going to get Aaron back is to let him go.  God Forbid!!!  I can't do that.  She says that she's seen him do this before.  I think that she's wrong.  I think that we can work through this and get back together.  She also said that she is going to just stay out of it all.  In some situations, I am forever the optimist.  In this situation, I have to be.  There is no other ending.  It has to end with us back together.  Of course, I know that this is not a fairytale, it's real life.  I know that in real life happy endings are rare, but by God, I think that I am about fucking due for one!!  I have had enough bad shit.  I'm ready for my happy ending, I'm ready for my fucking close-up!!  I want to be the one who has the happy life with the fabulous guy who loves me.  Is there something so wrong with that?!?  I just need to have the wisdom to know what to say to him when I finally get the chance to talk to him this week.  I so can't screw this up.  I need him, and love him too much.  No matter what anyone else thinks, I still believe that he is the love of my life.  Not too sound too corny...he actually does complete me.  When I'm not with him, I don't know what to do.  He made me laugh, he was my "partner in crime".  For so long, I rarely had that.  He made me feel alive.  He made me feel so loved and appreciated.  With him, I felt like I could do anything.  He gave me the strength to believe in myself, to stand up to everyone else.  He was always in my corner, on my side.  That was a new thing.  He treated me like I was a person who really mattered.  I never had that with any relationship that I was in before.  When you have something like that, and it's taken away from you, you are just in limbo.  You're not sure which way is up.  You aren't sure how to cope with everything else.  When that kind of love is ripped away, you just really don't know what to do.  Does anyone out there understand me?  Do you know what I'm saying?  Have you been there?  No matter what advice anyone tries to give me, I've already made up my mind.  I still love Aaron with every beat of my heart, with every fiber of my exsistence.  I just really believe that we're meant to be. 

Surviving...Sort Of

Tonight was kind of fun.  I went out to eat with a friend.  Then we went to see Twilight.  She let me talk and also helped me to laugh.  Then, I decided to have a drink, and go for a short drive.  I poured out my heart to A Thursday.  Has he responded?  Not, yet.  Do I expect him to?  I really don't know the answer to that.  What's left of my heart says that he is just trying to figure out exactly how to express his feelings.  The part of my heart that is torn and tattered says that he's pissed off and thinks that I'm a huge pain in his ass.  Too bad that my heart is mostly the latter.  I am finding it so very hard to believe that this is going to end happily.  I have just about given up on hope.  Hope pretty much died when he broke my heart.  Of course, if he asked me to come back to him tomorrow, I would do it.  There would be some major conditions attached.  The #1 condition would be that he try to talk to me, if things get crazy and complicated,  before just giving up again.  The other condition would be that we be more open with each other about how we're feeling about things.  I just miss him so damn much that it physically hurts!  I just want him to love me again.

My Weekend

Well, to say the least, my weekend mostly sucked.  My boyfriend got pissed off at me on Saturday night and broke up with me this afternoon.  I hope everyone else had a better weekend.  I guess that I can write about it here.  It's not like he's ever going to read this.  I don't think that he has ever read anything that I have ever written.  Even if he does, at least he'll know how I feel.  Of course I still love him.  Why?  He used to make me laugh.  I'm certainly not laughing now.  That's for damn sure.  My eyes are so swollen from crying, it hurts to close them so that I can get some sleep.  The worst part?  As a guy, I think tht he is missing the gene that makes him to be able to understand how bad he has hurt me.  He seems pretty oblivious to the fact that he has shattered my heart into thousands of tiny shards.  If he asked me to come back, would I?  Unfortunately, I would.  Mostly because I want it to work out so bad.  It took me a little over 12 years to even give my heart to someone again.  I thought that he was "the one".  Whenever I was with him, my heart soared, I had butterflies in my stomach.  He wants us to still be friends and hang out together.  Will I do that?  Yep. I probably will.  Why, you ask?  Maybe I'm just a freak who enjoys pain and suffering.  Or maybe I know that it's just the only way that I'll still be able to see him.  I'm sure that everytime I see him, I'll be losing a crucial part of my soul, but I don't think that I can stay away from him.  I love him way too much to just completely write him off.  I couldn't do that.  I'm just so empty right now.  I can't stop crying.  Right when I think I'm done, the waterworks start up again.  It's kind of annoying.  Then the snot thing starts.  I'm not a pretty crier.  I get the splotchy face thing, too.  It's all very attractive.  I'd probably break up with me, too.  Just kidding.  Well, I think that I am going to attempt to sleep.  I had to set two alarms for the morning, since I won't be getting my morning wake-up call from him.  I know that it has to get better.  If it gets worse, I won't be able to handle it.

Lowering My Standards

Remember in the old days, back when you thought that 30 was ancient?  Those were the days when I had such high standards for a boyfriend.  He had to be a high school graduate, have a job, have a car, good-looking, sense of humor, get along with his family and mine, love my cat, blah, blah, blah.  Well, when you start seeing 40 peeping around the corner at you, your standards start to lower dramatically.  He has to be near my age, breathing, God fearing, and law abiding.  Okay.  Maybe I haven't lowered them that much.  A sense of humor is still majorly important.  Anyways.  I can remember when I was 17.  I thought that I had my life planned out.  I was engaged.  I figured that by the time I was 30 I would have a great job that I loved, a couple of kids, a couple of pets, and live in a beautiful house.  Let's see..I'm 33, I have one kid, not married, have one pain-in-the-ass cat, a job that I love (most days), and an apartment that I despise.  It could be MUCH worse.  Don't get me wrong, I am very thankful for what God has given me, but it certainly is not what I had planned.  I guess God had other plans.  Man, it sure would be nice if he could kinda share a liitle bit of His plans ahead of time.  Then again, there are things that I have experienced that have made me much stronger. 

Well, tonight is American Idol.  This season is kind of disappointing.  I could care less who wins.  There isn't really anyone who stands out.  Anyways, I think that I'm going to order a pizza.  I'm not really in the mood to cook.  Love ya...

"V" Day Approaches...

Well, it's almost that time of year.  The worst day of the year for a Single person...Valentine's Day.  The one day a year when some of us can really understand why the lemmings jump.  The day where the normally mild-mannered feel the need to just scream at the top of our lungs:  "DO YOU HAVE TO RUB IT IN OUR FACES THAT WE DON'T HAVE A REASON TO LIVE?!?!?!?!"  What are my plans this year...well, short of placing myself in a vaccuum for 24 hours, or hiding under a rock...I'm not sure.  It will probably involve me, my son, my cat, and a frozen pizza.  Actually, "V" Day falls on a Wednesday this year.  So, I will actually be at church with my Bible Quizzers.  I think that maybe I will make black heart shaped sugar cookies to pass out for their snack.   Then I will go home and watch "Criminal Minds" and "CSI:  NY".  I don't know if I'll be able to stand that much excitement. 

Ok, by now you're probably thinking "bitter, much?"  I haven't always been like this, but it just gets harder and harder each year.  The older I get, the more I think "will it ever happen?"  I mean, I'm going to be 34 this year!!  My kid is going to be 12!!  I'm not getting any younger, here.  God, are you listening?!?  My patience is running very close to empty.  Actually, I've never been one to have much patience.  I'm one of those people who prays for patience, but wants the prayer to be answered as soon as I ask.  I think that's why He makes me wait so long for answers to some of my prayers.  One day I'll learn. 

Well, I just wanted to vent.  Besides, it's my blog.  I can say whatever I want.  It's not like there's a gun to anyone's head making them read this.  Also, I really could give a rat's ass if sound whiney and bitter.  It's a free country, and like I said, it's my blog and I'll whine if I want to.  If you don't like it, don't read it.  I'm done now.  Love ya.  Later...

What Is The Deal?!?

Let's just get real.  I wish that I were more bold.  I wish that I was more of an outgoing person when it comes to my feelings.  I wish that I was so not so damn scared of getting hurt.  That is what it all boils down to...fear.  I think that I have come up with my New Year's Resolution:  Look fear in the face and laugh!  I normally don't make resolutions because by the 2nd week into the New Year, I've already blown it.  I think that this will be the hardest one to keep.  Of course I know that Nae will help me out with pep talks.  She has a lot of qualities that I wish I had.  She doesn't seem to really dwell on the "what ifs".  That is a super bad habit that I have.  I'm tired of worrying that a decision I make may disappoint people.  If they really care about me, they will forgive me and go on.  I need to get rid of the negative people and the "haters" that I have in my life.  That will help me tremendously.  I need to get a new insight on life.  I need to be more assertive.  I can be VERY assertive at certain times....  Anyways.

I love the person that I have become, but I think that it is time for some changes.  It has taken a couple of bad relationships and a lot of soul searching to get to where I am now.  I have come a long way from where I was when I first moved to JC.

Well, enough for now.  I am going to take Michael to the movies.  We were going to go to St. Louis, but he decided that he didn't want to.  So, I'm not sure what we're doing.  I REALLY don't want to stay in JC.  We might go to Columbia.  Oh well, the excitement never ends around here.

Take Care.  Love Ya.  Later...

Thoughts For Today...

This is just goingto be a quick little blog.  I have had the same thoughts on my mind all week.  Why do some guys just seem to be so clueless?  Are they really blind?  Or are they just as scared of confession as we are? 

We did karaoke tonight.  I sang "Crazy" by Patsy Cline.  That seemed to be an appropriate song.  So did the song that I heard in the car earlier in the evening.  It was "Can't Fight This Feeling" by REO Speedwagon.  SO....Anyways....  Here I sit now.  I am wondering where to go from here.  Nae has given me her thoughts on the issue at hand.  I know that she is right, but why should it all be up to me?

Well, Dad was in town today.  He took the 3 of us to lunch.  Then he bought me 2 tires for Christmas! That was a tremendous blessing.  For those that don't know, I had a flat tire last Sat.  I had to get a new tire put on today.  They told me that I was going to need to get 2 more tires.  Short of shaking the money tree in my front yard, I hadn't a clue where I was going to get the money for that.  So, my dad said that for Christmas he would buy me the tires that I needed!!  My Dad Rocks! He loves to buy stuff that involves vehicle maintenance or upkeep.

Okay, I siad that this would be short.  So, that's it.  I can't write about too much more 'cause I may have already said too much in the beginning of this blog.  Or something like that.  Besides, I'm tired.

Take Care.  Love ya...