Absence

I don't ask God for things anymore...at least not for me. If I hear that someone is sick or that someone has died, I'll ask God to look out for that person and the loved ones. I ask God to protect Emma. But for me? Forget it.

I've been angry towards God for a long time. I gave God everything when I was younger. So much faith. Everything that I am. At least I thought so. I would beat myself relentlessly for thinking that perhaps I was holding out on God. Such guilt. But now, I just scoff at God. I snub God. I taunt God.

Perhaps I think if I incur the wrath of God, I'll have some attention from the Almighty. Proof that God exists.

Isn't that what's happening now? Seems like I shouldn't complain for all the crap in my life. I've brought it upon myself.

Non-believers and fucking optimists will advise me to just do it. Make my mind up and just change my life. To you, I give you the finger and say FUCK YOU! Take your worse imaginable day and multiply it a thousand fold. Then tell me whether or not you can get your fucking optimist ass out of bed and just take charge of your life. FUCK YOU!!! I'll fucking bash your face in if you tell me to just overcome this shit.

Followers of God, just don't talk to me. You don't know what you are talking about. Unless God, itself, came down from the throne on high, wrote a personal message for me, and asked you to deliver it to me personally.....I'm not listening to you. You don't know what God thinks about me. And the Bible doesn't mean jack. Honestly, man wrote it and it's a nice pamphlet and all....sort of guidelines...but it's not God.

I'm mad.

I think that under the circumstances of my life, I've done alright for myself. I've not killed anyone in my fits of rage. I've never been arrested. I've curbed most of my immoral and impetuous instincts so much so that I'm a zombie within. BUT...and this is a big ass BUT...I'm not strong. I've never been that strong. I've only just survived, waiting for someone or something bigger than me to fucking help. I've been promised that for so long. All of the spiritually inclined which includes every friggin person on this fucking piece of rock called Earth (and don't argue scientists or whatnot because their religion and spirituality is tied up in a different form of mysticism and such and honestly, I'm not in the mood for anyone to disagree with me right now...want a fight? Go sod yourself!)

I had decided to not send Em with my sister. The separation would have been to great for the both of us. Other circumstances such as money, space, and adjustment were of issue also. Instead, I had opted to make things stronger here for the both of us after a committment to the hospital. My mother who I have very s-l-o-w-l-y started talking to, had offered to help when she initiated contact on Em's birthday. I was hesitant. Alway am. But she said she would help if I need to seek out psychiatric help. I asked her yesterday if she would help with Em, allowing her to stay with her. "It will cut into my time, but I guess I can pick Em up and drop her off at school." Trying to explain that I needed more, she started yelling at me about everyone else in her life: my brother, her employees, and the fact that I made Jenn come here to take Em with her and then didn't send Em. Basically, Mrs. Devine's help is a patronizing hand extended as a disclaimer that she offered me assistance.

God is no different.

I wish I could say that God doesn't exist. But God does. As easily as I can say that my hair is brown, I can say God exists. So, what the fuck?! Was I that evil in a previous incarnation?

Unless you plan to drive to Pensacola to care for Em while I commit myself for a much needed visit to the loony bin...don't say shit. I don't want to hear it.

I've been doing things 'not me' lately. Craving cigs, pot, and alcohol. I've indulged in all. Hearing voices. Calling my name. Talking. Almost like ghosts in the house. Quieting the need to yell at random people...even wanting to get into physical altercations with them. Violent, self-abusive, sexual thoughts. Will not engage in any of them for fear of being killed. My heart has been chaotic. Sometimes pounding so violently in my chest and throat. Other times so silent, I almost convince myself that I'm not alive. And the chestpains have been unbearable....fear I've been having mini cardiac episodes of something or another. Been scared that I'll turn the corner and find the devil waiting for me. Been very uncautious on the road, swerving unintentionally into other lanes of traffic and onto the shoulder....just drifting in the car going well over the speed limit.

And I ask....Where's God?

Comments

[jenni]

I have a theory. It's just a theory. I think God doesn't really care. I think things happen because they happen. No rhyme or reason. I believe there is a higher being but I don't think he sits "up" there and dictates our life. I don't think he causes illness. There's too much science to negate that theory.

[Ali]

Well I'll take those fingers and say don't judge! I am optimistic...I do believe in God..not fantaically (sp?) but I do understand the anger and the fucken pain. If I wasnt optimistic I would have put a fucken shot gun my mouth a long time ago and blown the back of my brains out, but there is always something stopping me from doing that. What ever it is it's there. Nae!! SCREAM!! FUCK GOD!!! You have every right.....the anger that is in your soul and all our souls is so Fucken strong.....The pain the hatred....but damit!!!! If I didnt believe in something more than just bills, hateful people, fucken jobs that are full of ass kissing pansys, people who only think of them selves....If I didnt meet great individuals as urself...I think I would have killed myself a long time ago.

I hate people...but there are those handful of folks that make me change my mind and think...you I guess life isnt too bad. Yeah I dont have enough money to pay my rent...my student loan might default...Take take take..take...take...and than their are those who give and that to me surprises me when I meet individuals like that.

Hugs!!! LIFE IS FUCKED UP!!
than u die and thats when I will miss the special people in my life like you.

Love Ya Chicky!!!

[Janis]

Where's God?

You got me on that one. I think he has had me on "mute" or "ignore" for years now.

Faith? What's that and where can I find some? Perhaps a Blue Light Special at the local KMart?

I stand beside you middle fingers raised to those who think you can just will yourself to change your life. How many of them have ever battled a mental illness or anything even more difficult than a bad hair day?

I can't come to Pensecola. But I can offer a listening ear, a shoulder to lean on, gentle encouragement, hearty f*** you's to anyone you wish to send them to.

Strong? Who's strong? We all just do the best we can to get through each day with what is left of our sanity intact. If one more person telle me how strong I am- I'm going to rip them a new asshole with a chainsaw. Wanna borrow it when I am done?

I wish I knew what to say.. I'm rambling.. I know.. I just want you to know that over here in Utah, there's someone who cares.

Be gentle with yourself Naomi...

Love,
Janis