Find out who you are and do it on purpose. ~ Dolly Parton
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Find out who you are and do it on purpose. ~ Dolly Parton
Posted at 12:59 PM in Mind Cornucopia | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)
As previously mentioned, I went for a psychiatric intake today. I don't relish them I hate changing doctors for any reason and looking for a new mental health professional is absolute torture for me.
In getting evaluated, they ask questions. About your childhood. Your feelings. Your drug use. Your history. Etc etc etc.
Today I was asked the best question in the world. I hadn't been asked this before. At least in not a poignantly grand way. And it's not a surprising questions. If any of you pull a book on schizophrenia or bipolar or another behavioral illness, you'll find it's really a standard question. Again, I just haven't been asked it quite this way.
So, here's the question:
"Do you have magical powers?"
I'm not going to tell you what I said.
Posted at 12:27 PM in One Little White Pill | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)
I was not able to post a happy birthday to my friend Carrie last week. I am so sorry, Carrie. But I did talk to you and wish you a good Carrie Day. And to let you all know....Japan knows how to celebrate Carrie Day in style. They closed their financial markets in recognition of the moment....some may argue it was for a national holiday but we all know it was in recognition of their native daughter, Ms. Carrie who they wish would return to the homelands.
In belated sacrifices to the most honorable Carrie, I offer a story. A simple tale of humility and humor and cautiously called the Red Shoe Diaries. I do this because it's one of the funniest things in the world...and honestly, I have to laugh at myself.
Once upon a time when I was in my late teens, I made a visit to the local Naval Hospital in Millington. I don't recall what was my ailment but that is unimportant anyway. I was asked to supply a urine specimen which is never unusual at a doctor's appointment. I went into the public restroom because I wasn't directed to a private one and did my deed. Sitting there I noticed the most beautiful red heeled shoes on the feet of another stall user. I made a mental note then that indeed the shoes were stunning.
Now...I set my precious little liquid quietly on the toilet paper dispenser as I straightened myself out. And in turning around in the stall, I knocked the filled cup over. I had not tightened the lid on it yet. To my horror, the cup and its contents fell to the floor spilling all over the woman's feet and her awesome shoes.
I gasped and stood there in pure horror. What could I do? Nothing. I apologized over and over to the woman. I was completely embarrassed. I could find nothing to say to make up for this huge faux paus. And graciously the woman was compassionate and understanding. She was so kind.
To hide my humility, I hid in the stall. I waited for her to leave. I stood there listening to her finish up, walk out of the stall, wash her hands, compose herself, and leave. I waited until I heard the door swish close. I was as silent as the dead within their graves. I did not want to face her.
Once I knew she had left, I finished my business within the bathroom trying even to provide another sample. I left after a much cushioned amount of time between her departure and my own. Imagine my relief from having to face a woman from such an embarrassing encounter.
I returned to the doctor's office with cup in hand. I walked up to the woman standing at the counter and waited for her to finish conducting her business with the desk clerk. At that moment, I looked down at her feet and saw THE red shoes.
Belated HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CARRIE! I love you so dearly, my friend.
Posted at 12:22 PM in Celebrations Abound | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)
Mama Tomato, Papa Tomato, and Baby Tomato were out walking. Every few feet, Baby Tomato falls behind. Papa Tomato walks back to him and tells him to walk faster. And he does...for a bit. Baby Tomato lags behind again and Papa Tomato walks back to him and huffily tells him to walk faster. And he does...for a bit. Baby Tomato is now much further back than both Mama and Papa. So Papa Tomato walks back to Baby Tomato, stomps on him, and says, "KETCHUP!"
...
I have been absent from the online world. I haven't had an opportunity to get to the library for a myriad of reasons. None really important or shall I say...really nothing I care to discuss. I've missed a few things to post on during my stay away and I intend to try and make up.
I am here now because I was downtown for another reason. I went to the local crazy house this morning to get evaluated. Not ready for a committment as of yet but I'm heading slowly into dangerous territory again. To stave such a crisis, I decided it was in my best interest to have an intake. I'm on standby for an appointment next Monday. Evidentally standby is my best chance at seeing someone before sometime next year. I'll have to sit around all day in the hospital hoping some other crazy person will no show or cancel their appointment.
If you have never seen the workings of a mental facility, I suggest you take a field trip...no, really. You can't exactly do that. But, it is an experience worth mentioning. Every place is different but there are similarities that don't go unnoticed. The patrons of such wondrous joyful fantastic places are eccentric to say the least.
Anyway....need to get back on the meds. Like that isn't obvious.
Do you know what I really wish? Honest and truely. I wish that I could really embrace my craziness. I wish I could do what other mentally ill people seem to be doing. I want to go absolutely mad. I want to act on every impulse that is surging through my mind and body and just show the freakin world how crazy I really am. Maybe then, I'll be able to convince people that I'M FUCKING SCREWED IN THE HEAD!
Anyway.
This year is almost over and yet again....life is the same. Predictable. So fucking predictable.
Posted at 12:02 PM in One Little White Pill | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
Fuck it! I'm putting up the tree this weekend. Rule generally that Christmas decorations come out the day after Thanksgiving but I'm feeling miserable and I need a lift.
....and I am swearing entirely too much....damn it all to hell.
Posted at 07:27 PM in Daily Musings | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)
Laughter is an orgasm triggered by the intercourse of sense and nonsense. - unknown
The most wasted of all days is one without laughter. - e.e. cummings
Man, when you lose your laugh you lose your footing. - Ken Kesey
A laugh is a smile that bursts. - Mary H. Waldrip
A sense of humor... is needed armor. Joy in one's heart and some laughter on one's lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life. - Hugh Sidey
Posted at 06:05 PM in Mind Cornucopia | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
I woke up depressed on Monday. Wanted to cry all day long. And did at times also. I found out that the job I really was looking forward to interviewing for had been filled and I wasn't even going to get an interview.
Woke up Tuesday saying capricious and capriciousness. Leftover from my lucid dreaming from the night. Still in a blue mood. Cry, cry, cry. Went to Em's Family Reading Night at school last night. Wanted to punch principal in face. Didn't even look at her because of such hateful thoughts. Thought it best to just stay very close to Em and FAKE THE HAPPINESS. Did have a nice brief sunny moment when the school librarian remembered me from last year.
Woke up this morning at 2:30 with horrible nightmare taste in my mouth. Train cars were smashing and crushing people and not from the front. They were falling on top of people from rotting tracks above. I was one of the people on a track below. We were all dressed in clothes from the late 1800s. My dog got smashed. I almost called (or text messaged) two people in a panic and realized that I'd probably get no response. FUCKERS!!!
Still sad today. And also hateful. Realize that there are people in my life that I just need to forget about and I NEED TO STOP TRYING TO GET ANYTHING OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIPS!!! (fuckers!) Mean. Mad. And that whole jolly rot.
Waiting for tomorrow. Don't like what may come out of it. I volunteered last week to be a chaperone on Em's field trip. Perhaps I should cancel. Don't want to disappoint Em BUT I am not in the mood to deal with any other child other than my own. Good God, please help us all.
I really just want to ball up in a corner and cry. I want to also make the people in my life that hurt me, hurt. Would love to trade the emotional shit with them....just once.
Anyway....
Posted at 05:34 PM in L'autre côté du rêve, One Little White Pill | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
I think I'm going to go and hang with Elton for a bit. Everyone is grating on my nerves. I'm not in a bad mood...least I think I'm not. I don't realize that people are bothering the hell out of me until that little biting remark comes flowing from my mouth to sting the ears of my intended.
To all those I've insulted in the last couple of days, I am very sorry. Very very sorry.
Though my snipes can be used for great storytelling, they are not very kind. Geez, this is why I don't go in public when I'm pissy.
Swear....didn't think I was in a foul mood.
Posted at 05:52 PM in Daily Musings | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
I've decided to post my writing in another blog but it's password protected. Not extremely worried about theft issues. I am not your next Nobel Prize winner in Literature. However, I have no self esteem about my writing. I may let some of you read it...Interested, let me know and I'll send you the password and site.
Thanks.
Posted at 04:17 PM in Daily Musings | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)
I think this will be the last post for today though my brain is getting enormously large with all the shit building up in it and then want and need to just plop it out like some big turd....ok, I'll stop with the poop metaphor.
Yesterday, Em and I went to the movies and saw The Incredibles. Excellent movie. Pixar just tops itself each and every freakin time. My God, you could see every strand on the character's head. The story was good. The characters were so likable...every single one and do I really need to say that Edna was my favorite. Hilarious. But probably one of my favorite bits of the film was the setting. Fabulous ode to the 60s spy movies. FANTASTIC!!! Thinking James Bond the whole time. Just great.
Gotta see. Must see. Need to see again. And is it just me or is it great to see Craig T Nelson doing something?
Posted at 03:32 PM in Box Office | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)
Saw my gyno today which meant I had serious hair issues to deal with when I headed into the shower. Every woman between the Maiden and Crone stages of life know of the special care taken on Shave Above Your Knee Day.
Now, I'm not in a relationship (which is killing me by the way. I swear, I'm going to drop dead one day unless I get some) so the touching of my thighs and elsewhere is done only by yours truly. For such reason, the lower part of my legs are generally the only portion that sees the end of a razor and believe me....I've gone without the blade there too for weeks at a time (it's disgusting, I know).
Sooooo....into the shower with daunting task ahead. I scheduled thirty minutes for said operation. I'm anything if not thorough. Let me tell you, I was SURPRISED when a small African bushmen and his family were found in the bottom of my tub when I finished. BLOODY HELL!!!! Since when did I have so much hair on my friggin legs?! I guess I do have to take into account that I do have a lot of leg. One does not go around being 5'9" without some of that being leg. It's not like I have a four foot torso, nine inch head and the rest leg. Guess I shouldn't be surprised but still.
And not flattering to the feminine side of me, I must say that it depressed the hell out of me to see all that dark hair (how I wish I were a blonde below on just such occassions). I suddenly caught glimpse of my claim to fame: Missing Link Female Found Passed Out in Shower on Morning of Annual Gyno Visit. Suffice it to say, Shave Above Your Knee Day will come more often.
Let me also remark...the spread eagle position that we willingly put ourself into each and every year is not as embarrassing to me as my dry feet. I don't know what it is but I'm more embarrassed that my gyno is only inches away from my naked feet. I try to wear socks each time I go; and when I do, I do NOT take them off. Hell, if I could get away with it, I'd wear my shoes in the stirrups while getting my exam.
Posted at 03:11 PM in Daily Musings | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)
you let me violate you, you let me desecrate you
you let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you
help me I broke apart my insides, help me I’ve got no soul to sell
help me the only thing that works for me, help me get away from myself
I want to fuck you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal
my whole existence is flawed
you get me closer to god
you can have my isolation, you can have the hate that it brings
you can have my absence of faith, you can have my everything
help me tear down my reason, help me its' your sex I can smell
help me you make me perfect, help me become somebody else
I want to fuck you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal
my whole existence is flawed
you get me closer to god
through every forest, above the trees
within my stomach, scraped off my knees
I drink the honey inside your hive
you are the reason I stay alive
. . .
Yeah, one of those days
Posted at 02:50 PM in Emotional Clef, Qetesh | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
For a very long time, my friend Kim and her husband have been trying to have children. Kim's struggles were something I was introduced to when I met her at the Medical Center and unfortunately, they were something that everyone could sympathize with but could not erase.
BUT...over a year now, Kim and hubby went through the process of adopting internationally and a few months ago were given the fantastic news that a little girl was waiting for them in an orphanage in China. Kim is there now with her little one and will be returning to the States with her in hand.
To keep privacy for them, I'm not saying much more. But please just send good vibes to the new family and thanks to God for Kim's blessings. Send thoughts and prayers to all couples out there trying to add such joy to their lives. It's a hard road that though we can imagine, many of us will not have to face and truly live through.
I stand and give kudos to those who adopt. I applaud and bow to thee. For in your hands, is the future of a child whose parents couldn't provide. I want to say thank you.
Posted at 02:35 PM in Celebrations Abound | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
Want to thank everyone who remembered me on my day. Thank you. A Happy Birthday means so much more than any present. Starting with the phonecalls, the e-cards, the hard cards, the songs, the silliness and Em's beautiful birthday ribbon...it was all fabulous.
I decided to go The Cheese for Nae Day. For the last several years, I've indulged in sushi but thought I'd try something different. So....seven hundred and something odd tickets later, I called the day a success. Em and I were joined by Steph and her man, James and our friend Heather. I'll save the embarrassment of how odd I can truly be and leave it at "We had a fabulous time!" Just remember....thirty-two is only a state of mind.
Anyway...thanks again Ali, Emma, Carrie, James, Jennifer, Heather, the library staff, the MCC staff, Murray, Pop and Sheila, Sami, Shawn, Stephanie, and all the people at the Cheese and anyone else who sent cosmic greetings my way for all the birthday wishes. Woo Hoo! Lots of fun.
Posted at 02:24 PM in Celebrations Abound | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
Just some quick updates:
Put in an application at a retirement community yesterday for the Activities Assistant. This one is right up my and ally. I would get to play with the Grandmas and Grandpas. I really really really want this job. Hopefully this zeal for it doesn't change. Gosh!
NaNo WriMo is coming along. I love the NaNo counter. Each time I hit the word count on MS Word, I get a smaller count. Don't really know which is right but let's just say I like the counter. It's my new best friend.
I rewrote the beginning and it's moving along smother and swifter. I actually have been having dreams about my story and my main character. Good sign, yes? Either that or I'm having a mental break with reality...we won't discuss that. heehee
And yes, TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY!!!! Hot damn! Thanks to my friends that have sent me greetings so far. Carrie, Ali and Murray. Thank you. I love you very much. And even if you're not a Nae-Dayer, I still love you....maybe....if you promise to recognize me next year. (I am kidding. I'm really not this grotesquely self-indulgent. If I appear grandiose, I'm usually being sarcastic....but anyway).
I've been creating like mad. Sewing purses and bags. Crotcheting blankets and such. Bracelets and all that. Some are saying that I should even sell my bags. I've thought about it but don't have enough courage to do that yet.
Anyways.....want to get as much done on the computer as possible before I'm booted off. If you haven't celebrated anything in a long while,feel free to ask for the day off today. Go have lunch and a drink. Consider my birthday yours. Indulge yourself. Be generous with yourself with your time. Have a date with yourself or your closest buds. Remember....it's Nae Day.
Posted at 10:01 AM in Celebrations Abound | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)
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