I am so fucking glad this month is over. I've had to deal with the death of my father...the day before that horrible VD. And my relationship with the love of my life isn't like it was months ago. One important man in my life gone forever. And having to make a decision to step back from the one man I want to spend the rest of my life with...I feel like I'm dying.
I hate February. I HATE FEBRUARY!!!! It's my fucking kryptonite. It's my Friday the 13th.
I have been avoiding friends. I admit. I'm not any fun. I just get tired of me so I can only imagine every one getting fucking sick of me.
I've been death-obsessed lately. I have this fear that Em will die when she's not in sight of me. I've been having mini-panic attacks because of the thoughts. I think about Pop opening his eyes suddenly buried feet under the ground because he's not truely dead; and I start weeping and pacing.
The nightmares have been unusual. I'm use to nightmare and night terrors. These are more like people in my life not wanting me involved in their lives. Outright declarations that I'm an emotional black hole and cause too many disturbances in their lives. I'm unwanted and unloved.
I haven't been able to concentrate as well as of late, either. Simple mistakes made in every aspect of my life including counting money, driving, speaking. I either eat too much or nothing at all in a day.
So much going on in my head in a self-destructive way but then there is this vacant automatic response to living that suggests I'm void of any thought.
Just feeling.....????.....sigh....yeah.
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