Why would God make me this way? A weight that noone wants to carry. A sore in others' as well as my life. WhY?!
What did I do wrong to be this fucked up? Was I born to be this reminder of what others should not be or avoid? Why can't I just get over all the shit in my past? Why didn't I just be a good girl so I wouldn't be this crappy of an adult? What am I doing wrong? Honestly, I want to know.
I want to know why I can't just shut my fucking mouth when I need to. To remain silent when that's the easiest thing to do. Why can't I be a better person?
I'm fucking up at work. I've fucked up or will fuck up every relationship I'm in. I'm ugly and fat. I'm lousy at motherhood and at the domestic thing. I'm loud, opinionated, impatient, lewd, stubborn, and insensitive.I have nothing to give anyone but grief and strife.
So, why? Am I the reminder to all of you from God to just try harder? Am I the leper you are suppose to avoid? If I were just different. Seriously, I wish I were different.
I've tried, God. I really have. I've tried to not bother anyone with my problems. I've tried to be more engaging. I've tried to stop eveything I am in as little of a space within my soul. Ignore all that I am so that I wouldn't hurt others or myself. I've tried, but I haven't tried harder.
I am so mad at myself for not trying harder. For not being different. For not being more like other people or what I'm suppose to be...and what am I suppose to be?! I must be stupid or cruel or evil for not being better.
God, I hate myself. I hate the mistakes I continue to make. I hate that I can't get this right. I hate not having died so many of the other times.
It hurts so much to be me. I am embarrassed of who I am. I am so sorry to everyone that has known me. I can't apologize enough for not being different. I am so very very sorry. I blame noone anymore. I'm not even angry at God the way that I once was. It's just me. I'm incompetent at life.
I hate that I am nothing and am still here.
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