I apologize, Senor Almodovar for stealing your title but it seems fitting right now.
It's been a week since my termination. I've cried once during this which scares me a bit. I'm much more dramatic and sensitive for moments like this and one outburst of tears just doesn't seem like me. Anger has been the dominant emotion. Depression and Fear are not too far behind.
I have to decide whether or not I stay in Texas or go to Tennessee. Florida is out of the option because Mom doesn't want us there. Leaps and bounds in our relationship over the last year or so but there are still big snags.
Question for the Almighty Around: What do I do?
I wish I could have an answer. One that pops up on the screen as I type that is definite and amazing and brilliant. One that I know that Emma would be safe and secure and happy. One that I know that I'm going to do well from it's beautiful, all-knowing grace. Uggghhhh.
I came to Texas with faith and hope that I was making a good decision for Emmaline and me. I thought that coming here would give us the opportunity that I had been working for years. I took a herculean leap of faith and then one almost one year to the date of starting my job here, I was fired.
How do I trust any decision I make now? I thought there was great wisdom, maturity, and faith when I decided to leave Pensacola and come here. Was I mistaken? So now....what do I do? Honestly, I haven't made a decision because I'm bloody scared to open my eyes and do anything.
If I go to Memphis, Emma and I live in my sister's house with her family. We get a couch and a floor. I start anew there. If I stay here in Texas, I have no family or friends as support. I start anew here. It should be a simple decision. It should be a very simple decision. But it's not. Never is.
I'm thirty-five years old and starting over another freaking time in my life. No damn stability, so it seems. When does it level off? When do I feel some amount of security in my life? It appears I never will.
Damn.
How do all you other adults do it? Do you believe in yourself? Does believing in oneself means you have a belief in God? Do you forget about yourself entirely and just jump into the faith of an omniscient entity?
I am scared. And I'm holding my breath for some peculiar reason.
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