A crappy day. I'm sitting in the bathroom at work thinking of 1001 one ways to die. I just want to turn off the lights and lock myself in here and cry. Always feeling desperate and without options. It's a mess.
I was starting to pull out of it but I'm Always tottering, aren't I? Stupid, fucking, fat, ugly, loser me!
Everything I have is just barely mine. I'm so scared of losing what I value that I cling so hard to it or ignore it completely.
Scooping cookies for work and hanging myself popped into my head. But I can't do it because I have fucking cookies to bake. That's more ridiculously insane than the fucking act.
I should call Dr. Z.....I won't. Why? I feel like I'm being a drama queen and will be seen as such.
I hate everyone. Jealousy. Pure Jealousy. Stupid fucking Jealousy.
I just want to hurt someone. I'll probably take it out on me. Maybe cut myself. Just to put this emotional pain into something tangible.
I need help. And I can't afford the help I need. I swear. I'll end this shit one day. I cannot go on with this shithole life of mine.
I came upon your blog when searching "vagabond spirit" in google with the intention of finding free thinking travelers. I know it has been a couple of months since this post, so I hope your demeanor has improved. I feel that I found your blog for a reason though, so I will continue.
Please know that there are ways to get help that don't cost money. I live in Florida and have used the free services at my local health department on occasion when I was short on funds.
I saw that you are in Dallas and found that your local Department of Children and Families offers Mental Health services for free or on a sliding income scale. Check them out at their link(http://childrenandfamilies.info/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=29&Itemid=83_)
If that is not convenient for you call a professional at National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Maybe they can give you additional resources.
Also, I read your blog about always struggling with money just to get the necessities let alone luxuries like eating out. I thought I could recommend a book that has completely changed the way I look at money, handle money, save money, etc. for the better. It is called "Rich Dad Poor Dad" by Robert Kiyosaki. He isn't the best writer, but the principles of the book come out very clear. Your local library will have a copy or if you prefer to have your own I can send you mine. All you have to do is ask.
Please know that all that I have written is sincere. I don't scour the internet looking for people in distress. Once I read your last few posts, I could not just go on about my day. A great man taught me that "The opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is indifference." His name is Elie Wiesel. Know that you are loved and that above all else we must love ourselves.
Posted by: Aubrey K | 11 May 2010 at 07:42 PM