As we know, I'm not a list person so resolutions are things that I don't make. This year I resolve to make resolutions. Yes, it's a cheat but one that I can claim on 12.31.11 that I did keep. But I need improvement in my life. I need to hold myself accountable for my desire to change. Sooooo, resolutions. Part one of this miraculous transformation that I need. Because they're numbered, don't mistake that they are in order of importance. They're flying out of the head as quickly as I can think of them.
Here we go:
1. Write at least 30 minutes a day. Okay, honestly thirty minutes is hard to commit. Maybe I can change it to "Write every day." No? Fine....thirty minutes then. Resolutions aren't suppose to be easy. hmpf. Write 30 minutes every day. In my journal. On this site. A story. Poetry. Something. I claim to be a writer but I don't write. That's just not good at all. I think, nay, I know that I've shut my voice and brain down. To protect myself. And I'm a blur. I live like some phantasm....on purpose. Writing helps.
2. Daily photograph. Along the lines of the writing resolution but I love photography and I want to improve. I would geek out in the gear if I had money to buy all the photography equipment I covet; but it's not about all that. It takes an eye and a camera. Keep It Simple, Stupid. I slacked on my 365 Nae but try, try again. Right?! Just need the creative outlets to help reclaim the parts of me that I've been mercilessly destroying.
3. Clean my fucking home. This is embarrassingly the worst thing that I will not elaborate. Depression and apathy feed my home life which feeds the depression and apathy. I'm a hamster at the moment. Strangely, I'm a perfectionist about organization and cleanliness and the time that I have to commit to how I want things is never enough. I end up saying "fuck it!" Extreme perfection or utter chaos. I've always trying to find that utopic, happy middle also known as my Shangri-La.
4. Honest effort with my psychotherapy and open dialogue with Z. What's the point if I'm not going to do either of these? Now, don't judge me. There are reasons that I'm not open with Z. Trust, folks. A lot of people have fucked me. I'm trying to repair this. And I'm not being lazy by not trying. I have a broken compass. I see Z once a week, twice if I'm lucky so all I have to rely on is fucking me. Ummmm, again...me. Broken, fucked up me. Trying. Just need a little help. There really is more to this than what I can explain here.
5. Savings. I am without a second job. The job I have now pays me less than the fuckers at the cookie store. I'm tired of not having something to buffer those hard times. I've tried saving in the past. I'd have a good chunk but things happen and I'd lose all that I had saved. I need that safety net or just that little bit that I can use towards goals like vacations and big expenses like a new washing machine (FUCK I NEED A NEW WASHING MACHINE!) or tires. I need to save.
6. Stop spending needlessly. Would only help with the saving. I don't buy clothes, shoes, electronics, jewelry. I don't drink or smoke. But on the little things that suck money out of you. A trip to RaceTrac for soda. Taco Bell for lunch at work. Pens when I have a million of them. I need to stop trying to gratify the now and trying to fill voids in my soul. SO THAT I CAN BUY THE THINGS I REALLY WANT like a DSLR or a trip to Florida.
7. Stop apologizing. I resolve to do this regularly but I fail every day. I'm always saying "I'm sorry." I hate those fucking words. My whole life I've felt I'm the cause of every horrible thing that occurs. How self-centered is that?! I'm dysfunctional. When an accidental bump happens between me and another person, wouldn't an "Excuse me" suffice? Probably. I need to find appropriate ways to express myself other than an automatic "I'm sorry." I'm not erasing the words from my use because there are definitely times when those words should be said. But two things I believe in regarding those little words: saying "I'm sorry" for the same thing over and over only proves you don't mean the words if you keep doing it and live your life so you don't have to apologize. This one is going to very, very hard.
8. Spend meaningful time with Emmaline. I feel like I'm failing as a parent. I see the aforementioned depression and apathy in my child. What fantastic behavior I've modeled for her. EH! A movie, driving lessons, our forgotten game nights....dedicated time.
9. Parental follow-thru. In the same breath, I need to hold Em accountable for her actions. I fear turning into what I hated about my parents so I've walked away from being a responsible parent. I don't want to fight with her. I don't want her to hate me. I don't want her to grow up hating herself. But those polar opposites that I struggle with? My parent muscle atrophied big time. Not looking forward to the initial implementation of this one.
10. Take better care of my health. I'm not putting lose weight on this list. It needs to be done but that's setting myself up. I need to focus on other things like going to the doctor at the first signs of being sick. Get an eye exam. Brush my teeth even during the most depressed moments. Eat regularly.
11. Finish what I start. I have a blanket I started crocheting for Em years ago. I have photo albums unfilled. I have Christmas cards from a few years ago that never got mailed. I start with such enthusiasm but never finish. Lots of projects and tasks left undone. Neglected and on a forgotten list.
There are hundreds of resolutions that I will inevitably add to this throughout the year. I may not have a written record of my list of thoughts....no evidence, you see. I'm always trying to start anew.
The one that I have not mentioned is probably the one that does top the list as my first and most important priority. I need to be kinder to myself. Z and I discuss this almost every session. How violently mean I am to Naomi. I'm not sure how to do this. I don't know how to forgive myself for mistakes I've made or things I've failed to do. I need guidance but don't know how to trust anyone to give me any.
sigh....
I'm going to try though.
For 2011: Be safe. Be kind. Be yourself. Humanity is lost when we don't care that we lose one of our own to apathy, loneliness, depression, and illness. I know we don't know each other, but I cry when someone loses the battle against mental health and I would cry for you. I've been there. I'm here in the darkness now and feel very blind; but I can still hold your hand, tightly until we get our bearings...and I have very warm hands.
Happy New Year, everyone!
Comments