Light and Darkness

Start of a New Day

Without my permission, the sun has decided to begin its diurnal ascent. I am awake, sleepily awake, but still awake. Quirky dreams with people my brain created from literary and cinema characters. But I was distinctly there with a lover, sweetly kissing my throat and pursed lips. Then the alarms rudely shake me awake warning me of the impending day.

Damn you, you solstice pussy-blocker.

Eh, even asleep, I'm not getting any.

straw

Potent and Taboo Words

Disturbing

I have been sick for the last few days. I have been worse with much worse illnesses but I think this one little illness in combination with my ever increasing life malaise has kicked my ass. I just haven't had the energy to be at work. I've actually gone home because I have been feeling like shit.

Me?....who has worked while having a fever of 103+ and a kidney infection that required hospitalization. Who was back at work after having spent hours in the emergency department because of a blown vessel and hours of lost blood and little sleep. Who has worked time and time again with ailments that would thwart a giant. This tiny diagnosis has me feeling like I could curl up and sleep until next winter.

I did go to the doctor. And basically.....I have a cold.

Hansel, Gretel or the Witch?

A Blurred Mass of Me

Reflection in the stainless steel wall of the bathroom stall at my psychiatrist's office. I want to quit. Really? What good is this doing? The prodding of emotions that make me feel like I'm never going to be mentally healthy.

sigh.....Today, I feel like I will never be relationship worthy. I feel damaged and clingy and ugly. I want to crawl into the arms of someone wiser and stronger than I. I want my hair stroked and forehead kissed and be told I will survive and thrive in excellent form.

Right now, I feel I'm the only one half heartedly telling myself and doing this for myself...and I suck as my own cheerleader.

Lift My Eyes Skyward

I'm a-tryin.

Frenzied State

Only day off this week. So much to do!

Repairing a Broken Heart

The therapy is going well. Still exhausted after each appointment. Dr. Z and I are jumping into Cognitive Behavior Therapy next week. I need to start reading my book that will help with groundwork for this.

I worry that I put the work into CBT and I fail anyways to change my wonky thinking. First and most importantly, I need to be kinder to myself especially during this process.

My Tootsies

New Toy

My BlackJack has been replaced out of necessity and since they're no longer being made, my warranty replaced it with a Samsung Jack. I want to molest it. I like it. Just still maneuvering through familiarizing myself. Better camera on it with more options. Now, if I can remember that the damn period is in a different spot.

A Photo I Like

The quality is horrible because of the 2.0 megapixel camera on my phone, but I like this one of me. It's easier to say that more because I avoid cameras as often as I can. I think I'm atrocious looking. bleh. Anyway...enjoy.

Management 101

Sometimes your style just needs to be......Romero-esque.

I Love Her.

A Head Full of Pain

My phone knows me well. It wanted to put in "A Head Fuck of Pain," which really isn't too far from the truth.

I had my third appointment with Dr. Z (no full name here to protect all our privacies, of course), and I left after having cried a full hour. I tried not to. In full Katherine Hepburn impression....Really, I did. It just won't be that way.

We discuss meds and cognitive behavior therapy next week. I'm looking forward to CBT because I need change. I desperately need positive change in my life and this course just may be the kick in the ass that I need. As I told Dr. Z, I'm willing to be put in a chamber and sent to the ocean floor if it will help. I may need a few moments to think about it but I'll try it.

Medication is a reluctant topic for me. I've stated a couple of reasons why. He seems to understand. I'm also not closed off to the idea. I shouldn't dismiss something that may be completely beneficial to my well-being. Afterall, it may be the pressurized chamber at the ocean bottom.

My head hurts. My eyes. My heart. I am exhausted at the end of these sessions. For years I've been ignoring and repressing shit as a way to deal and facing them head on just feels like a donkey punch right now. I'm doing this though. Better or worse, I'm doing this.