Light and Darkness

For my Gramps

Happy Birthday. Born in 1929. Awesome! Despite the changes in our relationship, you are still one of my favorite people for so many reasons. I love you.

Three weeks

My thirty-seventh birthday. Those moods of disgust, depression and discord are visiting like that crazy aunt that we try not to acknowledge. We try with all our might at reunions to avoid her and smile a sideways smile when passing quickly by her to get to that invisible other relative that we haven't seen in such a long while so sorry, I can't chat at the moment, crazy Aunt Frida. You know the one. But goddamnit! She's fucking knocking at the door now with suitcases in hand for an unwelcomed and extended visit. And no Virginia, she didn't bring a warm, covered dish with her. She's a harpie from hell singing her bloody black song of death and failure and the only thing she brought was her razor sharp scythe to cut my aging, unaccomplished head off.
...
exhale out
...

So...any suggestions on how I should celebrate?

MEMORIAM

Today is my pop's birthday. He would have been fifty-eight. He is still missed.

Fourteen Years Old

My daughter's birthday is tomorrow. As one may have guessed by the ever explicit title, she will be fourteen. In the timeline of her birth fourteen years ago, I was finally admitted to the hospital after having been sent home two times before; but Emmaline's arrival would still be delayed for almost another twenty-four hours.

She is a great kid. Admittedly, my Pie is a lazy teenager. She frustrates me to no end but she wouldn't be in the throes of teenagedom if she didn't. She is right on mark for sassiness and bitchiness, and she is downright infallible in opinion.....in her opinion.

While she has a preternatural empathy for her fellow man, she is the most impatient child for most of us humans invading her space. You can probably catch her in a giving mood just before 216p but not after 217p on the second Thursday of odd months. She is that typical beast....the teen.

I love my daughter with an emotion that is beyond human language and description. It's probably the same word that the Jewish dare not utter when describing God.....the true name of God. Shouldn't it be the same word, or more appropriately, lack of word that describes the love one has for one's children? Limitless? Unconditional? Perfect? I know my child's existence expands my soul and gives me hope and faith.

Fourteen years old.

Fourteen years old.

I am truly in awe for the previous years of knowing her. I am scared, to be frank with you, of what the succeeding years promise....disappointment, achievements, loves, losses, illnesses, arguments, laughter, and the responsibility of making sure I'm helping Emmaline develop into an outrageously fantastic woman. I fear this because I still worry that I'm going to break the spirit of the most amazing person I know.

Fourteen years old.

wow.

I love you, Pie. Emmaline, my Valentine. An early Happy Birthday to you.

Like the patella, it floats around.

I'm a horrible resident of the blogosphere, which could be a very good compliment. Anyhoo, I've discovered it's National Delurking Day (or sometime in the last twelve days or in future days....the day has, is or will occur.)

To celebrate, you just announce yourself in the comments section of those blogs you read. I'm off to say hello to my favorites. Please celebrate the day. Say hello in the comments. Are you a long time listener, first time caller? Or just passing thru?

Christmas 2008 Reflection

As the year winds down with its beginning, Christmas Day, I hope that each of you sit comfortably in your homes with happiness in your life. I know the year may not have been kind. I know that you have experienced sadness, regret, loss and emptiness. But, I hope that you still have experienced hope, love, joy, and kindness. I hope that these gifts are yours today and the years to come. I also give you the gift of my time. Should you need someone to just be so that you can cry, laugh, scream or talk....don't hesitate to pick me. I'd consider it an honor to be your ears, shoulders and sounding board.

Merry Christmas! May your days be filled with love, family, and friends!

Thanksgiving

I am thankful.....

Emmaline, my valentine

my job

Mom, Siblings, and Nephews

the pets

the friends

second chances

new found wisdom

survival instincts

the termination

goofy, free-spirited abandon

pee inducing laughter

another birthday

new landscapes

relentless hope

....

I hope that everyone has a moment today and every day hereafter where you can be thankful. Despite the black hole that sometimes swallows us, a moment of thanks. No, it's not always gingerbread cookies and unicorn smiles smothered in whipped cream and sprinkled with fairy dust. But a moment to recognize your unique place in the day.

Happy Thanksgiving.

I am the Birthday Girl!

HEY! Guess what? It's my birthday.

Halloween Fizzled

Before work yesterday, I ran to the store and bought good candy for our door knockers. And do you know what? Noone knocked on the door. Not a single, solitary person. It seems everyone skips the door to door and heads to churches and the malls. I can't blame the parents. Far safer to be in an environment where it's friendlier for the kiddies. But hell, candy left to be consumed by us. I wish we hadn't opened more than one bag so I could have returned the damn things.

Sigh.....If working among cookies isn't bad enough for temptation. Bloody Halloween candy. It's a good thing we know almost noone here in Texas so our holidays will be party free and no overindulgence will occur.

On the flip side of the end of October...My birthday will be here next Sunday. Thirty-six. Wow. No turning back now.

By the Way

Vagabond turned five, ten days ago. Yay!

Still Missed and Loved

Today would have been my Pop's fifty-seventh birthday. As I approach forty, I still shake my head to think he was still such a young man when he passed. When he was alive and on his birthday, I would wish him a birthday in reverse....Just switching the numbers of his age.

Papa, you're family misses and remembers you daily. Happy 75th birthday! Em and I love you.

New Job

My interview went very well. I have a job as an assistant manager starting out making more than I did leaving my last position, which was a higher title. Ha. Excited. I am now a contributing member of society again.

Celebrating a Birthday

This beautiful woman is my sister, Jennifer. Today she celebrates her thirty-third birthday and she looks (and is) amazing.

I remember when both of my siblings were born. The memories aren't these flashbacks with movie clarity but certain details for both births are burned into my brain. With Jenn, I remember looking between the slats of her crib and being extremely jealous. There lay this 'thing' that was about to ruin everything. At least emotionally that was what it felt like. I was unhappy because I saw the happiness in the adults', my adults, faces. I suddenly felt invisible.

She is a wonderful person, though she doesn't think so; and I still find myself jealous of her. I understand why though. She is full of life and love and people are drawn to her. She participates in her boys' life with absolute dedication and altruistic love. She carries their tears and fears in her heart but shows unmatched strength when defending them or pushing them. She is beautiful and her physical attractiveness is only outdone by her fun, beautiful soul.

I'm the older sister but there have been so many times in my life when she was my champion. When I was pregnant and poor, she showed up with groceries to fill my fridge. When I was depressed or manic, she answered my phone calls and let me cry. When I was lost without other family, she told me she loved me.

I love her because she is my sister and despite being my sister. She is my friend and I cherish her.

Celebrate Jenn Day! Make a wish. I'm sure it will come true today. The day is a brilliant one because my little sister is having a birthday. Happy Birthday, Jenn!

Betts Day

My friend, Elizabeth Jane turns thirty-five today. I know both she and I have this quirky feeling that we're still in our teen years. At what age does one actually feel like an adult?

Each year, I truely am amazed at the staying power of our friendship. We've had some ugly years between us but all for the best. We were distinctly different as children but that served as a glue for our friendship; and today, these differences seem to be more important as they have given each of us great perspective that has helped one another out when needed.

Happy birthday, my friend! I hope when we're in our eighties that I can still count on you feeling like we're still teenagers.

HVD

For all the single people out there without partner on this day of days, don't let it get you blue. Send out the good vibes to those who are in coupledom. Then go out and do something fabulous for yourself.

To those in some form of coupledom, share the wealth...invite a single person into a menage a trois. It's the day for love so don't be stingy. Kidding. Just show your partner how you feel about them. Words are good. Action is better.

Happy Valentine's Day, folks!