Light and Darkness

Mrs. H

I don't want to go into any details to respect my friend and her family. I only write this to get the community I've discovered through this blog to pray for a woman who means a lot to Emma and me. At least once today, please pray for Carrie's mom and her family (please don't be mad, Care).

Carrie's family means a great deal to me. I've known Carrie since I was eighteen/nineteen and just absolutely love her. She is my greatest friend. And her family? I adore and love them dearly. With the H family, one truly discovers what family means. The love and concern and respect that flows between them is an amazing bond that I feel privileged to witness and interact with. And I feel blessed that they have cheefully accepted Em and I into their lives.

So, please...take a moment to have Mrs. H on your hearts. Vibes of good health and compassionate sent her way.

Thank you.

Forgive me Father. I have sinned.

Reminders that this is Holy Week all over the place. I've been a bad Catholic girl for a while now (no comments) having not gone to mass in over a year. Em hasn't had her First Penance or First Communion and she's almost nine. In a few years, she'd be old enough for Confirmation. I'm a lapsed Catholic.

I do miss church but have been feeling completely anti-social towards the Catholic community here. I just don't like any of the churches that I've been to thus far (I stopped trying after four). I've got God caught up with my dissatisfaction with religion and parenting. God's just not the same anymore which isn't necessarily a bad thing.

But this is about church...not God. That's an odd statement to make, isn't it? I want a community to be part of and help me express my faith. I don't like alot of the Protestant denominations. I've found them judgemental towards other religions and other Christian denominations. I've experienced them as hostile and full of fallacies when it comes to other organized faiths. I'm pretty open-minded and I know I shouldn't lump-sum them but they're just not my cup of tea. So, I'm still tied by that fine thread to Catholicism.

When I talk to my friend Hristos, I feel drawn to the Greek Orthodox. Very similar and almost parallel in ceremony. I'm not however, going to walk into an Orthodox church on my own. Need a hand to hold before doing that.

I think about abandoning Christianity altogether...or the Christian religions, rather. My spirituality isn't quite mainstream Christian anyways. There's a mix of things in me that I've unconsciously picked up from different friends and studies and books. Is it possible to incorporate world religions into your frame of thinking and still feel grounded in faith? The old 'stand for nothing, fall for everything' at work?

I don't know. Part of my self-imposed separation from God. I'm conflicted about religion. I'm disgusted that man has defecated on spirituality and called it religion. I'm losing faith in man more and more and unfortunately God is being punished as well.

I know I'm miss the sense of belonging. Maybe that's it. I can remain outside the church but need some sort of societal group to belong.

I do miss Mass though.

Karma

The reincarnation post has brought about some great comments. I would love to hear more from people.

My sis called today and we started talking about karma. She's had a few unhappy moments this past week and she thinks is due to her because of bad karma. If anyone deserves bad karma, it's not Jenn. I tried to tell her that she shouldn't see it as bad karma but a test of her strength. A test of her belief in herself.

I'm a horrible hypocrit, aren't I? I'm the first to think I deserve the ill in my life. And with certain bad decisions in my life, those tough times are just play out of my choices. BUT those things beyond my control? I see it as punishment. Leading back to reincarnation and my belief of choosing my life before creation.

I think sometimes of why I would have chosen this life's journey. I'm not happy with it. I'm not happy with myself. So why pick this harder one than someone who doesn't have even close to the number of disadvantages I have?

It's a matter of perspective then, isn't it? Telling Jenn it's a matter of strength in oneself. We tell each other that there is reason behind the ill, a silver lining to every dark cloud. That in the end there is a just cause. But it's so much harder to convince ourselves of such well-meaning platitudes.

We don't give ourselves enough credit that we are on course. That we are trying. I know I'm the first to be cruel to myself. If you could only hear how hateful I am on a daily basis. And I have this horrible belief that I deserve it; it's karma for my actions.

So, what did I do to deserve the circumstances beyond my control?

Was I abusive to my chilren in a previous life so I got stuck with a mother so controlling, so hateful, so mean? Was I a selfish bastard that refused to help my fellow man by donating so I'm now constantly battling poverty? Was I a mean, cheating spouse so now I'm without love in my life?

Giving myself credit...

I have to see that I fight daily to be unlike my mother giving Em more of me than I had ever received of Mrs. Devine. Just the fact that Em is unafraid to hug and kiss me is so much better than what I have with my mother. I feel like Pinocchio with my mother...a wooden being wanting more life and doing idiotic things for that thrill of being alive in her presence.

I have to see that I may have noooo money but I have values that I would die for. I would still help my fellow human with my last dollar and my last dying breath.

I have to see that I have the love of my friends, my child, and other people I admire.

I told my sis that if she deserves what's going on then obviously she's a good person. Why would God place into her hands two beautiful little boys that mean the world to her. Test of strength. Matter of perspective.

Who was I in a previous life?

I've thought about posting on reincarnation for a while but it's hard sometimes to get words around a concept. I haven't decided that I believe in it. I think because of the whole Judeo-Christian belief of life with God. Seems unfair of doing your best on this earth with so many struggles and then not be rewarded with a helluva party in heaven afterwards. One reason I'm not fond of Jehovah Witnesses.

But with reincarnation..it is a little different than that, isn't it? The belief of moving into Nirvana after completion of life's lessons. And yes, I know it's more complex than that. There is this draw for believing that you are going to keep doing it until it's right (second chances) and with that comes this wisdom and revelation and peace.

There is also the belief of who you are recycled with. That we go through each life with the same souls of previous lives. My mother may have been my lover. I could have been the indentured servant of my best friend. My cat could have been my father. We're bound together.

Not quite sure what to think about it all. At my core, I don't think it exists. I think that my time here on this earth is and will be the only physical period I spend here. However, the idea of being connected to other individuals? That I hold true.

By definition of God, this ultimate power/deity...God knows everything. I tell my daughter that God is in everything and everything is in God. The uber-umbilical cord.

I have this belief that gets refined every moment of my existence. Before the physical world, all of creation was with God, part of him. He sits each of us individually down, pulls out cards (look in the crystal ball or however else you want to describe it), and he asks us to choose. He lays out the cards for different lives. Each life comes with its own joys, sorrows, people, ups and downs. Each unique. Each with defining moments and purpose. And we choose. Each of us, alone with God, chooses which life we want. So when we come into this world, we are on the path of our own choosing. Which sort of supports we're not given nothing we can't handle.

The bitch of a mother I have...my choice. The apathetic men in my life...my choice. The beautiful daughter I created...my choice. My friends. My illness. My aches and pain.

So, we get tied to each other. I make a choice. So did my mother, the men, my Em, friends...even the stranger on the street who stole my backpack years ago. We become this interwoven network of crossing paths and lives.

There was this planetarium show that left an impact on me years ago at Lambuth. It reminded me of a principle in physics that states matter is neither created nor destroy and the total mass remains constant (conservation of matter). When an object "dies" in space, it's basic core is recycled in the birth of another entity. I remember the narrator saying that Einstein's matter is still out there based on this principle. The physiological and chemical core of who he was still exists. Perhaps it's been recycled through a few people now or in an animal or in some distant planet forming as we speak. Along with Shakespeare, Attila the Hun, Mother Teresa, and my dog Gretchen that died when I was a teenager. Perhaps according to a principle of physics, I have the core of what made King Arthur running through my veins now.

So...does reincarnation exist? I don't think so. I don't want to believe so. I do believe that we are all connected. Somehow through people and time and space. And most definitely through experience, emotion, community and God.

Gye Nyame

I had been looking for the right tattoo for several years. I knew I wanted a spiritual symbol. I promised myself I would never put another person's name on my body. Relationships with people end and I didn't want "George" tattoed across my breast (by the way, there is no George) long after the fantastic trysts in bed had ended. I had thought about something Celtic, perhaps something circular, then something Japanese, and toyed with something written in Hebrew But I didn't find anything of value.

Until...

I came across a bookmark in Booksamillion. This beautiful symbol that looked Japanese and had this circular flow to it. Gye Nyame (jeh-N-yah-mee) -"except God" This African representation that nothing happens in life without the presence of God. There is nothing except God, omnipotent and omniscient. Always in one's life.

That's my view of my living. I've done everything with God involved. The affair with the married Fred. The traipsing to California and subsequent conception of Emma. My attempted suicide. My infatuation and love for certain people in my life. My volitile relationship with Mrs. Devine. My bipolar. Every major and minor event in my life has happened with God.

I think this is why I've been so anger filled especially at religions but namely at God. He has this power to fix my life. Yes, I know....it's not broken. I'm not broken. BUT I feel I am. Religion says pray and give and give more and pray until your knees are red. Prayers will be answered. When? I ask. In God's time. God gives what we need and not what we want.

I don't think I want much. I want to love myself. I want to give my daughter a foundation so strong that when she's out in the world, she'll have the spine to stand up for herself and others. I want to be productive for my fellow man...on a consistent basis. I want to feel part of the world outside me.

And besides...I hate giving up that control to some unseen force that powerful empires have fought over. That people use as faulty logic for hating other cultures, homosexuality, no birth control. I hate that I'm supposed to just sit idly by and wait for the God that is shared by me and hate-mongers to change my life. I don't like that. So, I try to do for myself and in the process I sometimes give God the cold shoulder.

Despite my anger towards God, I keep talking to this omnipotent, omniscient power. I don't believe He's going to condemn me because I doubt and get angry and yell as well as love and have faith. I marked my body because I do believe in this God that is constantly here in my life. Selfishly though, I wish that He would just let it go my way sometimes.

A feeble attempt

Sigh...What I am writing will not do justice to what I am feeling. Everything I say is going to be trite because honestly, trying to sum up one's spirituality is wrong. Words are ill-equipped to describe my thoughts right now. Faith and spirituality is purely a matter of one's relationship with God. And how do you go about trying to relate to others about something that is uniquely and personally yours?

I saw The Passion of the Christ today. It's a movie that I've been anticipating since first hearing about its production. Admittedly there was some curiousity about people's angry reaction to Mel Gibson's interpretation of Jesus' torture and death. But I can openly say that I don't take anyone's word or opinion for my own and I don't believe you can state opinion on something you know nothing about. My primary reason for seeing the movie is my own spirituality. My beliefs. My relationship with God and faith and creation and how the world moves within all that.

I come to this post with a different idea, not of what I believe but of what I first intended to write before seeing the movie. I'm not a changed person. Because honestly, I'm not a lemming that follows others over a cliff. I'm just not sure of what I could tell you. But I'm going to try to say something on this film and what I'm feeling.

I was raised Roman Catholic and despite any soul searching or studying, I'll probably always have some of the Catholic doctrine as part of who I am. I respect this church because of this beauty that I learned from it. There was never fire and brimstone. There was never this exclusionary mentality in anything I learned from the Church. I was taught by a variety of Catechists, attended mass led by different priests, and sat in numerous pews in different Catholic churches throughout my lifetime. Never a message of hate or prejudice or "my religion/denomination is better than yours." I was never taught to hate Jews or Hindus or Buddhists or atheists. Never. I've never been told that "this" is how the other religions/denominations do it. I was taught about the beauty and grace of Jesus.

The crucifix scared me when I was a child. The statues in the church at the front always seem to be looking at me. And the pictures of the Sacred heart (those pictures of Jesus with the crown of thorns around his heart) seemed to come to life especially the one my great-grandmother had where the eyes followed you no matter where you were in the room. Those pieces of my denomination have always made me feel uncomfortable. But the beauty of the Eucharist, of the mass itself always had me feeling lighter in my soul. I still can sit in mass and say it entirely from heart because I really fell in love with what it represents. And the stations of the cross...the pictures representing Christ's Passion. Nothing more beautiful.

But as a child, I didn't completely understand what it was about. I think like many Christians today, I had this romanticized vision of Christ's suffering. I imagined Jesus as this man who endured the pain with grace and strength and no suffering. I didn't fully understand what his crucifixion really involved.

But as I got older, I learned from school and study what torture is. What crucifixion involved. What he really endured. And I suddenly understood the gravity of what Jesus did for me. How much love was in the pain for me.

I did not see any hate towards any religion in this movie. I experienced no pressure to believe one way or another from this film. I sat in the dark as a person, crying for a man who suffered tremendous amount of pain because of fear, hate, political and religious power.

The movie is graphic. I wanted to scream out through my tears "STOP! LEAVE HIM ALONE!" I wanted to embrace Jesus and say, "I'm sorry." I wondered as I have in mass, "Would I have been any different than any of the people who betrayed him, condemned him, crucified him?"

This movie portrayed in a violent way a violent event. Not doing so would have been a travesty. You can't be glib about what the Passion was. Historically you can read what crucifixion was like. Medically you can discover the pain that Jesus endured. The violence was needed. The violence of man with all his foibles and fallacies against his fellow man. If you're not ready to experience the extremes of this movie, don't go. If you want to misunderstand how much torture was involved, stay home. I think this movie horrifically defined what Jesus suffered.

I learned nothing new from this movie. All the doctrine I learned from the Catholic church remains intact. I experienced the humanity of man watching this movie but that isn't new either. What I experienced was basically what I've felt within my soul. I am no different than I was walking up the steps to buy my ticket.

If you're not religious or spiritual, The Passion is still a superb movie. It's a story that moves you to feel for a man. Experience his pain and his memories through him and the people who encounter him. If you're Christian, you'll recognize the story of Christ's death. The arrest, his presentation before the high priests, his interrogation before Pilate, his torture and death.

I don't think there was any finger pointing in this film. I don't think it was Mel Gibson's attempt to lay blame on Judaism. The love of man is in the movie as much as the hate that comes from us. I saw mob mentality. I saw greed. I saw fear. I saw regret and remorse. I saw empathy and sorrow, parent and child bond, temptation, loss. In this film, I saw what defines each of us as man which is not unique among Jewish man or Christian man.

The brutality of who was Jewish in this film was as brutal as the Roman. If people want to be divided because of this film, then I believe those people have a lot of spiritual growth to go through. If people are persuaded to hate because of this film, then these people are not grounded in their beliefs anyways and shouldn't be trusted.

Religion is not a bad thing. It's a place for communion with each other. Spirituality is that innate whispering within our souls. We are born with spirituality. It's not something that can be defined. It's what drives us to ask, "Why was I made? What's my purpose? Is there something unseen that connects me to everything else?" Spirituality is God. Religion is man. We search out others to help explain what we feel. We look to each other to help express in an inadequate attempt that connection we feel to everything. Religion can give guidance. It can provide comfort. It can keep us from feeling alone in our faith. But religion is man-made and with that it will always fail us.

I am a Christian by choice. I don't think I'm the type of Christian that some church Christians would embrace though. By definition I am Christian because I believe in Christ. I believe a man named Jesus lived his life and suffered his death because he loves me. I believe that by miracles unexplainable by any book or religious doctrine, God exists...Jesus is son...and I should love EVERYONE because God created us all.

I also believe that God is in everything and everything is in God. Nothing exists without God. "Gye Nyame" I live my life with this connection to a creator. One that I can not and should not explain. To do so would make God less than God is.

I don't go to church anymore because I don't know where I fit in religiously. Nothing defines what I faithfully/spiritually know as my beliefs. I think man confuses spirituality and religion. I've got a spiritual journey that is only my own. I can share and talk about moments along it with others. Compare notes sort to speak. But what's between me and God has nothing to do with you. Nothing. I don't need to be saved. I don't need you to tell me about Jesus. I don't need you to condemn what I do choose to subscribe to, religiously speaking. I know what's between God and me. Please don't define it.

The Passion of the Christ is a movie. A beautiful movie that is one man's interpretation. No one should say this is the truth as much as saying what any religious leader says is true. Hopefully, it raises questions to seek answers. I hope it causes people to examine what they really believe. Maybe it will solidify what you already know within yourself. Maybe it will challenge you to redefine what you were already questioning. Maybe it will do nothing but entertain you. If anything, I hope it will move you to talk to someone else about what stirs within you.

Be angry. Be sad. Be opinionated. This movie should do that to you. But to hate another religion because of ths film spits on every religions' foundations of goodness and love and peace.

First Name:Naomi Sun Sign:Scorpio Gender:F

I read my horoscope on a sporadic regular basis which means I read it but it's not a daily thing. And just for information sake, I'm a Scorpio which I've been told is an awesome thing because Scorpios are the dominant sign of astrology...whether it's true in Vedic astrology or not, I'm not sure.

I don't like to say that any one thing in life is true when it comes to people's spirituality because honestly, spritituality is a very personal thing. No two are alike. It's impossible because spirituality is a unique relationship with whatever omnipotent deity is believed to be in power. And well, despite what skeptics say astrology falls into the realms of religion and spirituality.

Having said that...and I think there may have been an organized point somewhere in there...there is a similar thread that runs through all of us. It's this need for equilibrium in life, death, creation, God. We all want a sense of peace and understanding in ourselves and why things happen. So, we seek out religion to help explore and express that innate spirituality. Whether you subscribe to fundamental Christianity, Hasidic Judaism, Vedic astrology, The I Ching, some form of animism, Freudian psychology or the scraps of paper stuffed in a fortune cookie with Saturday's Chinese takeout; there are nuggets of wisdom to be dug out and applied to daily life. And what skeptics of any religion will always dismiss as coincidence, those nuggets seem to come at the most opportune moments.

So...I want to share my daily horoscope from Yahoo Astrology dated today.

Do not automatically think that beauty always has to be defined by old-fashioned standards, Naomi. It is time to set your own definition. There is no need to squeeze yourself into some socially constructed mold that doesn't resonate with who you truly are. Your job is not to try and make sure that everyone loves you. There is only one person you need to satisfy, and that is yourself.

Catalyst

I imagine that if I find the one thing missing in my life, everything else will fall into place. I'm having problems though discovering what I'm lacking. I frantically search every day for the thing....the thing that fell out of my pocket. The thing that perhaps is like a plug at the bottom of my soul like the drain plug at the bottom of the tub. Everything of substance is draining from me after it swirls madly about in me. But what is it? What's that plug to keep my well from running dry? What is the thing that I can place back in my pocket and continue on my way?

Money? Perfect career? Parents who support me no matter what? Being beautiful? A husband? College degree? Infamy? Can I find it in a book? In a drug? At church? Through meditation? Travelling? Psychotherapy? With a self help guru? Do I need to run for it or sit quietly? Do I need to ask for help or do it myself? Do I leave it to God or just take matters in my own hand? Will it come to me like St. Augustine's conversion on the road or will it be silent?

sigh....

I have atheist-envy

My essence is my spirituality. I am a faith driven person. I live my life-moment to moment-in some spiritual relationship with God. God the male, the female, the deity. I know God as the creator. My omnipotent, omniscient creator. No definition true. All definitions limited.

But being human, I've put limitations on God. I want Him to save me. My religion has told me that if I do A and B then C will happen. He'll bless me with happiness. He'll help me through the pain. If I have undying, unwaivering devotion, then God true to form will hold me in His heavenly arms.

What a crock of shit!

I've done A. I've done B. I've done the whole fucking alphabet. But God is not here healing my heart and soul. But the piously devout will tell you it's my fault. I'll tell you it's my fault. I've not done enough. I don't believe with my whole self. I'm not saved.

The atheist is done. He's chosen not to believe. A true atheist has retired the whole subject. With all his depth he says God does not exist.

I wish I could have that definitive answer. My unconscious self believes in God. Nothing will wash away what God imprinted on my soul. And I'm unsettled. It would be easier to not believe in God. I wish I could. Erase religion and doctrine and my depth still says God exists.

And if (s)he(it) exists, what the hell am I doing wrong that I have no relief? No help? No salvation?

Damn religion for handicapping me and limiting my God

And damn the atheist. I wish I were you.

Foundation

I am a cradle-Catholic. My Filipina mother had me baptized a month after my birth. And she married a Catholic man. I had no choice but to be Catholic in my youth. I still recall the churchs we attended still had some of the mass in Latin. My parents weren't zealously devout (we didn't attend every day) but they were strict (I couldn't attend an evening Reconciliation class without dressing in Sunday best).

But as a child I didn't love my religion because I was made to. I loved it because I felt close to God. I felt holy. I would sit in the pews not paying attention to the homily. I would allow my eyes to go blank staring at the altar. I could see the heavenly lights emanating from the statues, the priest, the crucifix. I felt I was holding a secret, one so important.The history and ceremony of the Catholic Church only encouraged me to fantasize about my own importance in life.

As I got older, I questioned my importance more. I questioned God's importance. I questioned if Catholicism really explained my spirituality. So I stop going to church (and yes, truthfully...I was a bit lazy. You know how the teenage years can be).

But I was never without God. I yelled at Him. I cursed Him. I pled with Him. I asked His forgiveness. I always turned back to Him in joy and sorrow. And throughout my life I learned about other religion through school, people, my own reading to find a doctrine close to the one I had developed.

I don't wholly agree with any organized religion. I don't trust any of them. All of them were created by man professing to know God's will. Relgion is not God. Religion is a man-made institution. Fallible men with their fears, prejudices, questions. Affirmatively declaring you know God only makes God human and full of fault.

But I return time and time again to the Catholic church. Out of loyalty? Fear? Loneliness? Beauty? History?